My apology may be meaningless.

Oh the anger that we all oten feel when justice is not served up to our standards. There is every year a generic story about someone who destroys the lives of people, holes themself up in a motel somewhere, and then kills themself before the police can arrest them. Hmmm, what was the last one? Well that depends on what state you are in while you are reading this. But I bet you have had one this year. Try to remember. Now remember how you felt after you heard he or she 'got away'. Maybe nothing just waiting for the next song to come on, or the light to turn green, but I bet you did not feel happiness, or relief that the person was dead. Seems that is exactly what we should feel, the person might have raped, or killed or otherwise ruined someones life, maybe financially (Ken Lay?) and then got the ultimate reward, death. Game over. The only thing in our short lives that is absolutely not replaceable is life and they lost that, they are gone. Never to enjoy a breath again. But also never to face those who want to punish them. Why isnt that enough? This leads to another question; When is death not enough, and are we all just naturally vengefull?
People can make us feel things physically, well I suppose correctly said, we allow people to make us feel things physically. When someone says they are proud of us and means it, how do you feel? When someone says for the first time 'I love you' how do you feel? When you hear words like this you dont just breath them like air just to be expelled out in the next breath like vapor do you? No, its effect is physical. The feeling often lasts as you drive away in your car, maybe with the music blasting to keep up with your mood, maybe with nothing but the sound of the wind to savor the words. It lasts in your center, your stomach maybe, a feeling of happiness, peace, comfort. Its a great feeling that life is as it should be and everything is ok. I can walk away from my boss at times and feel this. Give me a little pat on the head and I know I have a job for another week, and I am happy, my woman tells me she is mine forever, that I am the best man she has ever met and I will glow for hours, and sometimes days.
With this ability, the ability to feel words and emotions and be able to hold on to them to savor, comes a down side too. People can hurt us with their words. Ouch. My same boss can ruin my weekend with a word and a raised eyebrow. A long time partner can do worse with less. Maybe even a sigh, or a look, but even so the communication has an effect. And it is palpable.
For some reason the creator of this universe decided that negative thoughts and words directed at you should hurt you in your stomach. Not a mental hurt, not a little discomfort to help you 'know' you have been hurt, but potentially a stomach-flu style stomach ache that can keep you immobile for days. Why the pain is not where we hear the words, see the person who is hurting us, and think about, sometimes endlessly in looping fashion e.g. in our heads, is beyond me. Seems much more convenient to me, but I was not consulted on that. There must be wisdom that allows us to get sick to our stomachs when partners break up with us, bosses fire us, and family members pass on without us. It hurts. It must be useful, but for what? This is where heartbreak lies. And I would trade the stomach flu for heartbreak any day of any week in my life. Its in our stomachs. Seinfeld did a great skit once and I think helps us all see what we do when disaster strikes. With a simple problem we will raise our hand to our chins and maybe rub it, when things go really bad, we cover our mouth with our hands, and when life has just fallen apart we cover our entire face, eyes, forehead everything. See, we are all the same. We all feel the same set of emotions. This is why Seinfeld can joke about it, why great poker players can win from it, and why con artists can make good livings from it. We are all built, except for those same con artists, virtually the same. Good words feel good, bad words, even though they are nothing more than air and vibrations that are quickly gone from the physical world, feel bad. To everyone.
I am one of those people who try to play by the rules. I try not to seek out revenge for those who wronged me, but I at the same time dont mind being exceptionally grumpy towards them. Life goes on and we cant win everything. So when I am wronged I make a choice depending on the extent of what was done to me as to whether or not I want that person in my life, as it stands, or not. If they wrecked my car, laughed and walked away I would probably not want them in my life, right? If they stole my girlfriend, then hell no. But no matter what was done, or how long ago it was done there is a door they can always walk through. Its the one I leave cracked open with the light on. But this one requires a key to get through. Its a heartfelt apology.
"I am so, so sorry" is all I need to hear to forgive. That is the rule. I may not trust this person, may not want them back where things were and may never be able to repair the relationship, but I will absolutely forgive them and move forward. When I screw up I will quickly throw up that white flag and hope they play by the same rules. Hope that I will be forgiven and not left behind.
Most everyone has read the blog about Rhonnie Propps a real woman who lives in Mineral Wells W. Virginia. Dont believe me, look her up, its ok with me. Probably not with her or her husband but she has brought dark clouds to her house before, and I expect will again. After she 'died' on the 25th of august, I kept the lines of communication, lets say open with her. I texted her and let her know that I had written the blog, that she was welcome to read it and share her thoughts, that she was a star and not well liked, and that I would like an apology. I told her that she had hurt quite a few very decent men, and changed their perspectives on women in the future. I told her her actions bordered on evil and I just wanted an apology. I sent these requests and notes off and on to her for the past three weeks. Hmm, I feel a bit stalker-like but I felt an apology would go a long way towards closing the door.
Sunday I recieved a very long nasty text back from the 'dead' saying quite a few nasty things, and that she would like to be left alone. Hmmm, no apology there. So far, her myspace accounts have all been shut down, her husband is furious at her, all of her contacts have called, texted and emailed her to ridicule her and now hundreds and hundreds of people have read about her, and I expect many hundreds more to come. So, in effect even after she 'killed' herself things got worse for her. Just like the criminal who commits suicide. But is that enough. Yes it should be, it really should and I and everyone else could easily move on, but oh wouldn't life be so much better if she said she was sorry? Wouldnt a heart felt apology feel so good? To know that she realized the error of her ways, changed because of the destruction she caused and said "I am sorry".
Well finally she did.
Funny thing though, since she is a compulsive liar, probably narcisistic there was no way to really get enjoyment out of the luke warm apology. The "If I hurt anyone I am sorry" line just did not feel as good as I had hoped. In fact even though I felt a lot of joy in bugging the shit out of her till she finally cracked and woke from the 'dead', I got very little from her apology.
I wonder if we would get any more closure if the criminal we spoke of was stopped before pulling the trigger and killing him or herself. If our family had been harmed I know that we want revenge, would want to see the suffering, and hopefully get closure from the words, but will it do anything at all? Dont we already have enough to move on with? Will these words really help? Apparently not. Not enough to justify the energy I 'wasted' chasing it down. Wouldn't I in this case have been better off just walking away? They say and I believe it is true, although tough to follow, that the best revenge is living a happy life. I see that now, and hope that I can remember it next time I go chasing an apology.