Relationships and The Butterfly Effect

I love to say "my new older sister". I say it then stare usually. I just sort of stare at the person I just said it to and wait, and it usually gets to just about the uncomfortable part of a long pause before they go "Huh?" Well of course if you have been keeping up you would know that I do have a new older sister, but what is new and to me exciting is that we talk. A lot. Well there is a lot of talking going on, and for me that is enough. My house is plenty quiet being just my dog and me most of the time, so having someone talk my ear off, especially one related to me, is a good thing in my book.
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Has it ever crossed your mind what you would be like if you had no brothers or sisters? Ha, yes I know you have all wished that you had none at one time or another, maybe currently, but that is not the same thing. Think about how you would be different on the inside. Not happier or more or less successful but how would you actually think about things. Would you even be recognizable to yourself, were you to bump into yourself one day downtown. Would you react to issues the same way, have the same emotions, the same politics, hobbies, would you be you at all, or just a lump of clay that looks like you?

Our experiences in life are what make us who we are; I think we all understand this. Take serious examples of rape, assault, or war to see how our brains re-wire themselves under massive stress in a hurry. Post traumatic stress disorder is not something you can just talk your self out of. It's a fundamental shift in your brain chemistry, altering synapses, making yourself in some cases hyper aware of your surroundings, almost like having your nerve endings on the outside of your skin. Every motion, snap or bang can trigger one of the new fresh synapses into firing a panic chemical into the brain and all hell breaks loose.

All experiences do this to us, its part of growth and it's a good thing. See a piece of art, hear a concert or see a pitcher throw a 100 mile per hour fastball at an early age can set in place a thought process that causes us to strive towards a goal for the rest of our lives. Simple words of friends or mentors can shift our views on life, and success. We are nothing short than the result of our surroundings. We think about what we are, and that brings more of the same to us. For example; thinking to oneself something along the lines of this "If that car cuts in front of me I will LOSE it!" What will inevitably happen next? The car will cut in front and you will lose it, or maybe not that car, but suddenly the next one, but you're ready to lose it, so you do anyway. Say that often enough in front of your kid (please add other examples like; "I am going to keep as much away from the IRS as I can till they catch me" or "I will only work as much as I have to, to keep my job" or "The problem with this country is all the immigrants) and their thoughts will be altered to act the same way when they are older. What happens around us, affects us, and what we do to those still impressionable affects them. If you are not real happy with how you are, then be especially careful around your kids, because they will feel the same way one day and thanks to you may need extra insurance for psychiatric counseling.

So what would happen to you if you could go back in time and see what you would look like today without your siblings? Again, not how life would be better or worse for what they have done, but how would you be different? Would you be you?

I know a lot about myself, about how I react in certain situations and how I respond to certain people because I am a bit on the introspective side. A bit too much really. I think there is a healthy balance and I am a little too weighted on one side. But because I wonder a lot about myself, what makes me act this way, or feel this way, I get inside myself pretty far sometimes. I know that I am in essence nothing more than a large chameleon with human skin pulled on tight. I realize that I am not the type that blazes a new path without worry of consequence I tend to think things out. I do not like to stand out, I prefer to blend. I don't want to be the best dressed or worst dressed in any crowd, the loudest or the quietest. Honestly it sounds like I am neurotic and that could not be further from the truth (as far as you know) but I have just figured out a lot and figured out why I am this way.

For me, I like to be able to walk into a restaurant and be suitably dressed, maybe catch an eye or two, but not have groups staring at me for any reason. Try wearing a nice suit to a Hooters restaurant to see what I mean; it's not the kind of attention you want. Generally the public there is wearing plaid and denim. Silk shirts and leather sandals are going to create an ass whooping or at the very least a nasty atomic wedgie that I want to avoid. Picture the movie 'My Cousin Vinny' as the happy couple pulls into the very rural town wearing black leather pants and stiletto heals. Standing out is not what anyone wants, but for me it's dug itself a bit deeper.

As a kid we traveled a lot for the Navy. My dad was in the Seabees, which is the engineering division of the Navy, and we transplanted about every 2-6 years to somewhere new. I really have no idea how many schools I went to, not because the number is so incalculably large, but I just don't have recollection of all of them, or exactly where I was when certain memories occurred. We started here in Washington then quickly moved to California and then shortly after that found ourselves living on one of the not so resort-ish islands of the Bahamas when I was about 2 until I was 6 or so. Moved from there to the country of ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Turkey, where we moved twice in the two or so years that we were there. From one Turkish village to another, where there were very few Americans. There were many days, many-many now that I think about it, where I would be playing futbol (soccer) on a dirt road with a bunch of kids I could not communicate with in a country I knew nothing about at that age.

After Turkey was California for some unspecified amount of time, not sure if I went to a school there or not, really I don't know, and then back to Washington to man the naval base at Bangor. Another move later found me in Poulsbo going to school from about the 6th grade till the 10th, where I was moved to another high school to finish up 11th and 12th. Yikes it sounds tough just repeating it. And it was. There have been so many times in my life where I was walked into a dark classroom of kids, the teacher working on an overhead projector, talking about things I had never heard of, to a room full of whispering kids pointing at me that it gives me the willies just thinking about it. I was forced to stand out, over and over again. Forced to be the center of attention every couple of years and walk in alone to a new school and try to figure out who was who. Who might be nice, who would be the bully, who already knows who etc. Today I get that feeling walking into a lot of rooms, or parties and I try to blend quickly. Maybe that means just being successful at a party where everyone is. Or a bit stupid where everyone is. I am both of those things so they come naturally, but it's something that is ingrained into me like the rings on a tree. Once there, there is no changing them and who would want to? They give me unbelievable advantages sometimes. Personally I joke about it, but I am damn near psychic. I am extremely good at reading body language, because everywhere I went as a kid I was hyper aware of everyone around me trying to figure out where a safe spot would be, and who might be acting just a bit weird getting ready to dunk my head in the toilet (which is underrated), that today its natural. I meet people and instantly get a vibe from them. Or in the case of couples from 'them', and can see things that apparently are hidden from others. Today my career foundation is building relationships based on trust, and with my ability to read people I stay out of trouble, not by being able to manipulate them, but rather because I can read them and care what they think about me, I can choose my words to be more diplomatic, more tailored to that person's personality. I hear people standing next to me say something, or are about to, and I start to cringe inside knowing what they are about to say will not go over well, but to them it's a moot point. Either they don't care or don't notice. Anyway, we all have this to some degree or another, mine is set a bit high is all, and I like it.

Have you ever been to a friend's house and it's full of people talking, kids yelling, and dogs running under your feet? The kitchen is full of people trying to help or get drunk and there is one person at the center somehow in 'control' of the chaos laughing loudly and having a good time? My good friend Elizabeth's house is like this often and I find it drives me nuts. I crave it, love to dive into it, but could no way in hell live it. I think you know I am not putting this down at all; I just need more quiet in my house, not silence, but less chaos to think. My ability to muti-task is limited at best. Whistling while sitting on the toilet is a challenge, one thing at a time. There is no hurry. So having kids yelling, someone trying to ask me a question, and finishing a conversation with another person who is also watching the football game overwhelms me. I need to step out on the deck and guzzle whatever is left in my glass take a deep breath and come back in refreshed.

To me this is normal life, living with these strengths and weaknesses, to you these may seem stupid, minor or maybe paralyzingly scary. I don't know. But I know one thing for sure. Had I had my sister growing up. Had she been in the car each time I was taken to a new school, had she been waiting for me afterwards to go home with to be able to share the day with, life would be different. I would not be who I am today. Better or worse, I don't think it's quantifiable, but absolutely, possibly unrecognizably different. I would have a whole different set of issues to deal with and a whole different set of strengths. I don't think I would have the friends that are closest to me today, they love me for who I am, and I don't think I would be doing what I do today, at least not as well. I would probably like different clothes, different music, might like to watch Nascar (That just hurts to even say) I might even like Coors lite. I might fit right into the large family hustle and bustle, and might want to live right next door to my parents. I might be a pansy, or tough as nails because she and I might have fought a lot. Today my kids would be raised differently because I would be different. I raise my kids in a way that is opposite to how I was raised. Lots of emotion, lots of hugs, lots of attention all to make sure they don't experience what I considered to be the negative parts of my childhood. Honestly the world would be a different place now and for the future if she and I had been raised together. Imagine the influence my kids will have with either todays David or imaginary David, and how they would raise their kids. How would they interact with people differently depending on one or the other. One David may help the kids to become Drs, the other mechanics.

Today I and my new older sister talk often. Much more often than I am used to talking to any sister, but still when I think about it, not often enough. We are trying to learn everything there is to know about one another, trying to get inside each others head to get to that familiar comfortable place that family shares. We are not there yet, but I want that more than just about anything so I expect if we both live long enough it will happen.

When we first learned of one another we had some long conversations and one of them was me talking about what it was like growing up with 'our' dad. She of course new a different man to be her dad, and he truly was, but I knew there was some part of her that wanted to know if her life would have been better had she not been given up for adoption. (Editorial note here: Thank god abortion was not much of an option then!! Think about that.) So I started talking about my life growing up, and the more I spoke and the more she compared her life to mine, I realized that in many ways hers was better, at least enviable to me. I think probably it was a wash in many ways, speaking individually that is. She grew up with other siblings that she loves deeply, had a stable house with a mother and a father who loved her and now has a family of her own. So all in all good. I today look at her family life as one that I am envious of. My family was so small, just the three of us, and we moved so much that there was never the large family gatherings of holidays. Never the great hype leading up to Christmas, or the importance place on coming to the dinner table to communicate and bond. Everyone kind of just did their own thing. This week is mothers day week, and for the first time ever, I sent a mothers day card in the mail. It was to my new older sister. (My moms' card is always hand delivered.) In fact that is the first holiday card of any kind I have ever mailed to a family member. Reaching out and sharing the good things in life, the good moments are foreign to me, but as tasty as cold, syrupy strawberry shortcake on a hot day. I love it, I just don't really know how to make one all that well.

I think of the movie the Butterfly Effect when I am thinking about life and how different it could be. How different others lives would be had my dads decision to adopt out been different. How wide ranging are the consequences? How much further will they go still? What if he had chosen abortion? My sisters four children would not have been born, she would not be a nurse today happily living a life of helping others who need it. And I would not be writing this. That may seem trivial compared to the unlimited obvious implications but every once in a while something I write strikes someone deeply and they write me back to tell me. I love this more than anything by the way. A few times it has changed peoples thoughts and actions. What if this article only written because of my dads fearful decision made 44 years ago, affects someone positively today. They then make positive adjustments in someone else's life, maybe a Childs who goes on to do great things and the Butterfly effect is in full swing. Flap a wing in Portugal and a hurricane forms off the coast of Florida.