The Ancient Chinese secret for long relationships

We have all seen theYing-yang symbols dating back from ancient China, right? The black and white tear drop shapes wrapped around each other in perfect proportion to one another symbolizing the equality of all things. Good and bad, light and dark everything in existing in perfect balance in the universe. When there is a death that brings sadness there is also a birth bringing happiness. When there is a heartbreak there is also somewhere a new love. Now imagine if you will, the last time you got a new job, one you had strived for, worked your ass for. Or maybe a promotion that meant the world to you. What inevitably follows the high? Well first a raucous party if you are smart. Invite your friends and family members to a party. Laugh, throw your hands up in the air, and just bask in the success you just achieved. But when much is given, much is expected, so the tradeoff for the new title on the business card, and the new paycheck is more work, and most likely most stress. Your initial happiness, may find itself wearing thin and eventually disappear altogether when the new expectations of your performance reach higher and higher levels.
The tradeoff between work, money and stress is a delicate balance. Everyone finds different levels and proportions of each of those comfortable. Some not only don't mind but crave the long hours, the high stress of a job that might bring in a lot of money. The money, the influence might be exactly what drives them to get up each morning. And the stress is a needed side effect their bodies and minds have grown accustom to. Losing the stress to some might feel like wasting time, or even might translate into losing influence or success. Others might prefer to earn a bit less, but spend more time in the garden or with kids, trading the first class ticket to Rome twice a year, for a coach saver ticket once a year, or once every other year. The day to day pleasures of relaxing, taking deep stress free breathes of air mean more than any check could offer.
But what happens when we find ourselves getting exactly what we wanted and not liking it? We might be climbing the corporate ladder, doing quite well as a matter of fact, with our heads buried as we focus on work, only to find when we finally look up, usually after a great promotion that it is leaning against the wrong wall. Could the life time dream, the sacrifices in time, personal life and ego not balance out in the end? Or are we just creatures that would rather be chasing a dream than arriving at the destination? I don't know, we are all different in this. But when you look at the top of your ladder, a place you can only dream of getting to now, does it look like a good life? One you would be content with? Is that the path to happiness for you? Maybe.
Tradeoffs are common in all aspects of life aren't they. Money for 'stuff' is one. We all have to trade free time for time designated for responsibilities. Free time being the time where we might be able to meet a friend for a drink, lunch, or just read a book, downtime. If you have not seen one of these blocks of time in your schedule in a while, well, you now know what kind of personality type you are and there may or may not be reason enough for you to try to change that. Why change it, if having free time makes you uncomfortable. If filling that time with something productive is what is making you happy, is 'working' for you, then by all means keep doing it. If however, you find that your days are filled with busy-work, work that you feel is neither productive nor enjoyable, but rather heaped on you, then you have traded your time to others and are getting too little in return. Its still a trade off, just not a good trade for you. Hey its your life. But if our time is so hard to bargain for, how about our selves while in a relationship?
A friend of mine has been in a good relationship with a guy that really adores her. Speaks well of her, is responsible, and is trying hard to make her happy. Not a thing wrong with him at all. Not one thing. Good looking, so I am told, good shape, works hard and then comes home and fixes gutters, works outside, and does the dishes. She and I have been friends for quite some time, and both of us have said in the past that something like this would be great. Its what, I think, we are all looking for at different levels. If you have it already, great. If you have had it in the past and are looking for it again, great, but if you have never had it, let me tell you it does not get much better than this.
Responsibility in a partner, attention, loyalty and affection are about all we can really be safe in asking for in a partner. Anyone of those balls that gets dropped, for me at least, and the door is right over there... and don't let it hit you in the butt on the way out. Best of luck to you. Everything else, is however, negotiable. But where is the tradeoff, when it all looks so good? What do you have to give up, or should you have to give up anything, in order to get this type of man or woman and then keep them once gotten? This leads to the most asked question in the universe; Can we really have our cake and eat it too? Is it possible to gain such happiness as a new relationship brings, without the often attached baggage that goes with it?
Far and away, most of my readers are women. Smart women too, many of whom have been through the wringer in life one way or the another. I would guess that there is not one of you who has not felt the pain of a lost relationship, or the sting of having to end one early at some point. Meeting someone, we all know, is always great, exciting, new and fresh. Everything is a first, and everything rocks. The first kiss is spectacular. The first warm hug that lingers longer than you might expect heaven. The first morning where you might find yourself entangled in a bed sheet and yet still feeling safe, amazing. This is the golden time, ride the emotion and enjoy. It's all good. So very good. However at some point very soon I would say is the time for the deer to look up. To look down the seemingly blissful, peaceful dark road and know that somewhere just out of view there is a truck coming at seventy miles per hour and it might be a good idea to carefully walk to the side of the road where perspective is better, and not look straight into the blinding lights of emotion. The Ancient Chinese remember, have predicted there will be a down for every up, an up for every down, and there can not be good without bad. Cant be done. This sounds terribly pessimistic I realize, but it does not have to be. Expecting something rough, maybe a car going seventy, does not mean that you will necessarily find yourself spread evenly over the bumper. Quite the opposite, expecting it will tone down the good of the newness a little, staying realistic and then even out the potential bad which comes later as well. Take it head on, approach it knowing full well that there will be differences between you and that is okay. Accept the assured truth that she will be crazy and that he will be stupid, and both of you will get along so much better. Those are as true, and as unexplainable as gravity, and algebra.
But when this new person has been in your life for some time, what are the tradeoffs you find you must compromise on in order to make 'it' work, to help it continue? What will you have to give up, or give in to, compromise, to expect the other person to hang around long enough for there to be a happy ending, or even really a happy middle?
I cant speak for women on this, its time to sound ignorant and I hope many of you offer ideas on this, but for a man I know it all too well. There are absolute sacrifices that a man needs to make. He even jokes about them with his buddies before the commitment is made and jokes about them afterwards pretty much forever. Things need to be compromised in order to keep a woman happy for any length of time at all. As for a complete list of these requirements, well, I wish I had one. I wish one existed so lets just stick to the obvious. Many of these are easy, some harder and some are concepts we, as men, will never quite grasp, however successful and intelligent the rest of the world views us. Hopefully at some point we will just settle into a groove that works and keeps us out of trouble.
What are some of these changes that man has to make right away? Can you think of any immediate deal breakers off the top of your head? Faithfulness does not count. Faithfulness is part of the core requirements so without that, why are you still there? It wont get better, it's a red flag that is apparent now and you are choosing to ignore it possibly thinking, for some reason, that it will all smooth itself out. Or maybe you feel you will be worse off without that person in your life. That being 'alone' is worse. You won't be, you are alone anyway. You are neither a better person nor a worse one for having them in your life, you are still an individual and if they are bringing you down by not even offering the basics of a relationship then you are getting the shaft in this trade off. So for you, what are some of the deal breakers that don't fall into the core requirements I listed? Some might call these pet peeves, but my pet peeve is people saying they have pet peeves so lets not call them that. It just sounds so anal, and nasally at the same time. And anal and nasal are two things, that I think, should be kept as far apart as possible as often as possible.
I think it is safe to assume that there are a few simple issues that may not be deal breakers now but might be later on and of course they are stupid and small. Every great fight boils down to something that is stupid and small. But I know that if I want a woman to be comfortable at my house I need to do a few basic things and one of them is to put the seat down every time after I flush. There also needs to be less drops on said seat than usual. Less might not be the right word…None might fit better. However as a single man, a lonely single man, this on its own to me would not be the end of the world, not really be an issue at all in fact. Those two issues, drops and seat position, do not appear on a mans radar as a thought until brought up by a woman. Does that make men stupid, no, there are lots of other reasons for that. It just shows priorities. Women never worry about getting caught in their zippers, so you don't 'think' about that do you. We do, and therefore, this thought does register, often in fact. Button fly jeans were not thought of and invented by a woman because no woman has ever found herself curled up in the fetal position on a cold dirty linoleum floor after pinching their HooHa, in the metal teeth of a zipper. How could you ever come up with a solution to a problem you did not know existed? However, if we found on some alien Earth, it was the woman's jobs to zip up the jeans of their men, we, as men, would expect you to understand this danger as well as we fear it, just like you expect us to know about the vertical position of a toilet seat. Falling 'in' is not something we fear.
Taking care of the seat is easy for me. I can do that one. Its just not something I forget about often anyway, in fact I just made it a habit to close the whole damn thing every time I finish. Problem solved. Hmm, what else needs to be changed? With gas prices going up I would be remise in not mentioning gas as being an issue. Men share gas with each other, like women share shoes. Comparing details about sound, and textures like you would straps and buckles. Volume is highly encouraged, and ruining a perfectly good pair of boxer briefs for 'the cause' is acceptable. We even named that 'mistake', and its called a Shart. Go figure. This trading of scents between men can be compared to mountain rams battering each other with their horns in play high up in the Rocky mountains. However, when a ram wants to bash another's head with theirs, they instinctively know its best to only do it with another who wants to participate. So if a man tries to share his gas with a woman, abusing either of her senses, the auditory, or the olphactory, odds are she is going to feel like a ram with no horns getting bashed on the head by surprise, and might, if I may understate it, not appreciate it. Just a guess.
Okay so we give up the ability to ignore your toilet seat, and give up gas in all of its forms, whether it emanates from the top or bottom, is loud or soft, and is in public or private. Myth busters, by the way, just proved that matches really do not help either. Sorry, no relief there with a quick extinguishing of the evidence. An open window certainly would do the trick, but in Seattle there are times when opening a window, say in the middle of a torrential downpour when its 39 degrees and windy, would not be the most subtle way to hide your action. I am really not sure what will happen to our anatomy by holding it in perpetually but if you want her to stay around for long, and not start looking for another, who may have better bowl control, you had better start strengthening that sphincter muscle. Women apparantly don't do it until after the third year of marriage so if they can do it, I suppose fair is fair. After that, however, "Dutch Ovens" become acceptable.
Cleanliness might be another area that could use refining. I find that women tend to like a house cleaner, and less chaotic than I can be comfortable in. Its not so much laziness as it is not having the ability to see dirt. Again, if its not uncomfortable why think about it? Your zipper does not bother you, probably never will, so do you think about it? Well dirt, mess, and chaos are relative and if you are the one who is made more easily uncomfortable by these things then don't be surprised if it gets 'left' time and time again. Its not going to be left forever, just past your point of discomfort. How would you like it if men got angry everytime you walked past the game on TV and failed to notice the score and then passed it on? That is important to us, might not be to you though. You see, we just dont see the importance of scrubbing. We just don't get it, like you may not get the importance of a Hank Aaron record about to be broken. We may walk right on top of and past a dirty floor, when its as obvious as the nose on your face that it needs to be scrubbed, and not notice. Sadly this theme of not noticing dirt extends to every room of the house unfortunately, and even though we will hear the words coming out of your mouth, "WHAT, ARE YOU BLIND?!" we probably will miss it the next time too.
When we all turned eighteen, we gained 'what' from our parents? Independence, right? Over two hundred years ago, America fought tooth and nail for the same concept. Independence. To have the ability to run our own lives, to make our own decisions without fear of reprisals from an unjust monarchy. The current state of the planet is such that it is, because America thought that was a worthy goal to risk it all on, and won. We won it, damn it! Independence is ours! Freedom is ours….until we find ourselves in a relationship.
Not one relationship worth a damn lasts more than a minute unless both independent people come together and attempt to use one brain rather than two. Two brains, bad, one brain, usually the woman's, good. I have an example of this. My neighbors are a sweet couple that have been married some 52 years. I think they are both about as nice as you can get. One day a while back he and I decided to build a cedar fence between our two properties. It was not going to keep us out of each others yard, or prevent us from socializing, but rather was just going to make everything look better. Especially from their side.
He and I borrowed a truck from his son in law, and got a start early in the morning to go get the lumber at a mill that was having a sale. Save some money on the very long fence we figured. Nothing wrong with that. So he and I get in, he in the drivers position, me riding shotgun, and before the truck is warmed up, while we are just sitting there enjoying the aroma of a forty year old Chevrolet, he tells me his plan to get to the mill. Take this road to that one, then over here and then this and then that. "Right" I said, "Sounds good". And shortly after we were off.
As we are chatting he interrupts at one point to tell me that he is going to get on the freeway up ahead. Uhm, okay I said and continued talking. Not five minutes later he interrupts again to tell me that he will be changing lanes. Uhm…..yeah, okay. Perfect, "looks clear" I said trying to be helpful to cover up my confusion and we continue along. About fifteen minutes later, he tells me that he will be exiting ahead at a certain exit, one we had discussed earlier, and I just at this point shrugged and said "Hey you're the Boss"
Whoa, that silenced everything. I can't remember if the radio was on before that moment or not, but it was suddenly quiet as if holding its breath. His head turned to me, and I noticed thankfully that he had a big smile on his face and he said, "Boy, it's been a long time since I've been the boss". And he chuckled and did not ask me another question all the way there.
What I realized at that point was no one could have asked him what the secret to a long happy relationship with his wife was, he would surely have an answer but just not the right one. The right one was to turn your brain off entirely and simply use one. The more highly evolved of the two. The greatest compromise ever invented. It is no wonder at all that the divorce rate is so high. Men are both unaware of this and unwilling for the most part to take this plunge. It's a bit like taking the plunge to the bottom of a lake before experimenting with the Scuba gear. You don't know how it works, exactly, not sure even if this model does work, but here you are at the bottom with no other way to breathe.
Are men willing to turn off their brains around their women, to in essence submit to their more highly evolved (although nuttier than a fucking fruitcake) emotions, or do we fight to remain men, in charge at home like we pretend to be in the workforce. Conquering as we go, being the go-to guy, being the make-it-happen guy, to being the guy that gets up when told, to go see a ballet with the in-laws.
Now, this gets even stickier when the woman is just as tough in the workplace as the man. Two tough business types converge at home with needy emotions on the brain, and it quickly becomes a contest of 'who had the worse day' for sympathy. Who needs to rest the most first, while the other prepares a meal. Who needs a bath run, while the other scrubs a toilet. Its sad but true, that there is only a one in one hundred chance, roughly one percent, that the mans bad day will adequately endear a woman to pampering him without grumbling. The other ninety nine situations just call for wine. Wine for both of you. For her, to relax her and slow her reflexes in case she lashes out, and wine for you to take the edge off the humiliation of going from vice-president/CPA/lawyer/or whatever to a servant serving the princess, truly for the better good of all, in your house. It's a hard nut to swallow. Men strive the whole lives, and some women do to, to be served by as many as possible. Remember the movie called I think The Office where the lead character sits down with the two Ron's and is told that he will soon be promoted and will now have 'As many as four people under you'? Why do you think Amway was so huge? It's the idea of having people beneath you doing your work for you, but here we find ourselves in a situation where endentured servitude at home is the only option for survival of the relationship.
We come back to the Ying and Yang. The relationship you have is good. Life is good now and if maintained, can be marvelous. But are the sacrifices, the downsides of a long relationship equal to the good. They have to be. It has to even out. There are challenges in a long relationship, I have friends that are dealing with some of them now. Our partners are people, not perfect and whether the failing is ours right now, or theirs, the question is whether or not we stay anyway. I always encourage them to keep trying. You see the Ying and Yang measure the good and bad in the total universe. Not necessarily what is going on in your life in particular. You may experience incredible highs or lows and not have it even out in the end. And if you are in a relationship with the person you will be with forever, the bad does not have to equal the good. In fact the good will reign supreme, and do you know why? How can the universe even out if every relationship turned out to be a net positive? Its because, in my opinion, being single nets a negative every time.
I have been single for quite some time now, and although, when we talk, it sounds like my life is better, at least more exciting, I find myself only reporting the highlights. Sort of like the gambler only telling you about the big wins, not the fact that they are down for the year if they averaged it out. I often joke with them that every morning I wake up I am 'right', and that hits a bit deep. Sometimes when I see a man's eyes glaze over with desire for what I have, I stop, take a deep breath, get honest, and tell them about the down side of being single. I tell them about the long spaces of boredom and sometimes loneliness that separates the exciting stories. I tell them about the fact that I have no one to share my victories with, or failures. That there is no one in my corner backing me up when the times get tough. And that even though their house may seem harder to go home to than it used to, or than it should after a long day at work, if they can figure out how to get past it, to fall in love again they would be so far advanced of me as to seem like another race. Men in relationships like my stories, what I report to them, but I know better. They only want to cherry pick my life, not to take it all. I know who has it better. I envy them. What they have can be forever, and is priceless. The grass only looks greener on my side, its really just growing on a septic tank.