My life as it was on Match.com

Match dot com begins your online experience with a survey asking questions, like so many surveys, that are very personal. The most important part of the survey is the narratives. Also the most dreaded. The first one asks you to describe yourself, and the next to describe your perfect woman. This is how I filled out the survey.

Narrative

Well for Gods sake, this has to be the WORST thing for my ego, since the swirley I got in the tenth grade! I sit here once in a while and reread what I wrote, and relook at my picture and relook at...well anyway, and I think to myself(since I am all freakin' alone!), if I were a girl, no thats too difficult to imagine, if I were gay.....wait no thats even harder,.... if I were a girl, would I be interested in me, and since I know I am not a 'player', honestly would like to be just dont know how yet, I say the answer is YES! "Damn, he's great looking, good shape, has all his hair (thick too!), all his own teeth, tall, great career, and is legitimately looking for someone to be with and is also single". WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR??!! I promise I wont last long, and the '05 models are not any better. I was married, years ago, made it many years, and get this, I was the one who initiated counseling, and not because I cheated either, I didnt. C'mon, how many points do I get for that?? I jog damn near every day, love the mariners. love red wine (bit of a snob too!), love every beer ever made, been to Europe several times, like to dance, go out to Daniels Broiler, run up to Vancouver, walk holding hands and watch movies. If I find you extremely attractive I will probably stare at you constantly, may treat you and SPOIL you like a princess, and may infact revert to being a stalker. They say it's unlikely though. I like sitting, sleeping, standing, moving in jumping-sorts-of-ways, hiking, swimming, throwing, chasing(hate being chased), and everything else. You have no excuse, I will adapt to you and your oddities very much like tapeworms do. And just live happily. A little more seriously though. I am just about the most honest man I know. I will not lie to you or anyone. And I am a genuine giver. My only requirement is you have a nice butt.... Hmmm, I think I am done. Except to say that this is all tongue in cheek humor, say hi to 'hear' the real me!
This is written in the "What you are looking for" Section

I like just about everyone, but there is apparently a requirement for information here so, what do I like? I like women who are in good shape, at least working on it regularly, and who want to make me a priority, in a good way, ya' know? I place a very high priority on women who have belly buttons. Less back hair rather than more is good. Must be the funny, serious, cuddly, sexy, librarian type. Book smarts are good, but street smarts are better if your living on the streets. I don't. If you can teach me how to Scuba, Salsa, or ride the Harley I plan on getting you are a shoooo-in. I dont like '2-face women' (ala Seinfeld), but all needy/independent types are encouraged to apply. If however, you are a big monster truck girl or love NASCAR enough to have a bobblehead with the number 28 on it, we just have no chance. If however you like the symphony, fine dining, cooking together, and have a nice butt, then maybe. It's true I have two kids, but they are part time with me, and I dont introduce them to people I am dating. We would have to prove to be very serious before that would happen. So I am up for sale SOLO, ala' cart. I have a large collection of women friends who you will meet and be able to learn what I am really like. They are like a living breathing resume. And they will all say that I am the best man they have ever met, or something like that. If this was all too goofy for you, well lighten up, it's just supposed to make you smile. I am pretty laid back, very easy going, with a great career, great dog, and all around great life. Single is not my favorite thing, but I am making the most of it, having lots of fun. You won't find me in front of the TV very often, just too busy, but I would settle down next to you if asked. I keep a very clean house, not a bad cook, not great at yard work, and excersize very regularly for my health. The benefit is I have a pretty nice body to boot. I am much more shy than conceited, but I get mistaken for that often. Love to here from you. Bye

Chapter 1


This, sadly was my introduction to the world of online dating, aka The People Catalog. Match.com. If you have tried it, or even looked at it, and I am sure you have by this point, you have to see the allure of it. Hundreds of photos for you to anonymously look at examine up close, even fog the computer screen. You can read their words, see what they want, or so they think, examine where they went to school, how far they went, their present profession, and for many women this is important, men's income level. For those being honest, baggage is left out in the middle of the street for all to analyze. I had 'baggage', good though it may be, having children is baggage to many. I agree, I felt the same way before I had them, so no fault given there. Many women feel this stigma every day, so why not me. It makes sense that not everyone is willing to share their lives with a man who has children. So that being said I found the online dating to be very safe. I put right on the screen that my life included an Ex Wife and children, so I figured whoever went so far as go out with me, knew my 'baggage' up front and we could either move right past it, or deal with it up front. I loved having that OUT there so it was not a surprise later on. There is really nothing quite the look on a woman's face, when clearly the chemistry is bubbling over, and she hears the answer that yes you have kids. It's kinda sad really, for them to try to act all happy and supportive, when they really want to just move on to the guy down at the other end of the bar who has been eyeing her over my shoulder. Everyone with kids who tries to date has felt it. Oh well, I probably did it once myself.

I started thinking about putting some of this down when I came across a profile of a young woman from ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Brazil. She was cute about 5'6", 33 years old with 1 child, long straight black hair and a slim attractive figure. Her income was modest, her job not listed, and her favorite feature was her butt. A very nice profile all in all. I was interested. I read further down and she listed that she would only date men with an income level over 150,000. In her profile she states, "I am fortunate that God gave me above average looks and I know that a man is out there who will appreciate me. I don't care if he is overweight, bald or both. Yet he does have to be successful because I like to be spoiled." Hmmmm. Honesty is a good quality right? She is nothing if not honest, she knows what she wants and knows what she is willing to give for it. A fair trade I suppose.

I keep thinking to myself that maybe I am the only normal person on the entire site. Sitting here in my sweats, with my kids watching Scooby-Doo, endlessly searching through photos. My coffee is cold, my face needs to be shaved and there are hills to be climbed but I sit here and wait for a response from that one, or that one, hmmm that one was really cute too. It's so addictive. Clearly I am not the only normal person on here. We are all addicts, all living on the outside of reality a bit. In fact I think I fit in very well here. This is my life as it is now. Maybe the idea is nuts, to pick out your soul mate from a picture, and a paragraph. But with what seems to be an endless supply of sent and received Winks and notes being sent around how can it not be a numbers game. Play the lottery enough you are bound to win right? This is the lottery at 19.95 a month paid with automatic deductions from your checking account forever. Throw enough mud against the wall and some will stick right? No, it seems only the shit sticks, the mud just falls to the floor and mixes again at the bottom. Throw a Match mixer some night and see how many people have slept with the same people in the room. Damn, and my box of condoms is down to just one.
It does work, I hear it does anyway. I have met some great people from the site, many of whom I still consider friends (not with benefits). I have had a few nice six month or even year long relationships from the site so I know it is possible to work just by going out with enough people. I also know that many of us are desperate, more at some times than others, but that makes us especially vulnerable to the addiction of match. How fantastic is it to come home and see twenty new winks from attractive admirers. Or to finally see a letter from that one person you were sure would never write back. The ego stroke is amazing, and needs to be continued like a drug to maintain. Its tough to turn it off at times. I would find myself walking through my house and peeking in just to check once more. "Damn, no new messages! DAMN! She has not written back yet? That tramp is cheating on me already and we haven't even met yet! Bitch. I know she must be. Ok cool down, maybe she is out of town, maybe uhm….maybe she had friend die. There could be lots of excuses." There are actually feelings like that even in this cyber playground. Feelings get hurt, and tempers get raised over nothing really. But the nothing is HUGE! Its rejection served fast and personal. Over and over. Sure all the good stuff is great, and the ego boosts are super, but the downside is just as far down as the upside is up.

I would have to say that because most people are pretty good, most people on Match are pretty good. So I think there are a lot of new and clever ways to let people down that have arisen from the conversations on this site. Many are very nice and try to be gentle. It is nice to hear someone say, "You look like a really nice guy, but I just don't think you are my type, I am going to pursue other options". Wait, that still sucked and that was as nice as it gets! REJECTION sucks all the time and there are no exceptions. Just like getting an STD, some are just worse than others.

Its tough because for those of us on the site, and I limit my speaking to those who are honestly single and looking, many of us have found it tough to meet people out in the real world. The reasons are as endless as the faces. Bars, nightclubs, coffee shops, playgrounds, are full of beautiful single people all the time, but meeting one is excruciating for some of us. Some people have the gift of gab, others are just plain confident slash cocky, while some of us, are confident in the right situations, and shy in others. As I sit with my adopted dog, Kini (Don't ask), at a Starbucks after a 3 mile run reading the New York Times, I often see an attractive woman, or sometimes women, but cant seem to get past the casual flirting. I know it's my job to go say hi, but there seems to be a lead weight in my ass that keeps me firmly seated. I can 'read' pages of op ed, business, and sports stories and not remember any of it, because my focus is on that woman. I talk myself out of approaching her because that, I feel, would be cheating on my upcoming Match.com dates. Since I have one schedualed tonight with that attractive blond who really seems cool, I shouldn't muddy the waters by asking another woman out, right? What would I have done if had never heard of Match? What would my excuse be then? Any excuse will work. Really Any excuse will work just fine. ' Oh I cant go say hi because I bet she is seeing someone already, or I cant go up and say hi because that Damn Sadaam Husein just makes me so mad!'. Ahh, but if she approached me then it would be fine. I would surely open up and be a bastion of confidence and savvy. Absolutely ask for a phone number before she left. Sigh, it's sad really. Someone slap me. Not too hard though, I'm a pansy.
Ahh, but if she approached me then it would be fine. Sigh, it's sad really. Someone slap me.

So I console myself when she leaves, giving me one last goodbye look, by saying that I have several dates set up for the next week from Match, so I am not really alone. Hmmmm.

Here is what I have found to be the biggest flaw of the online dating scene. Honesty is clearly number one, so really this is number two. It's so hard to stop. You may be lucky enough, and I have, to have met a woman, or a man, who really is very nice. Someone you really can't find an obvious flaw with, and are at least moderately attracted to. But you go home, and search again. After talking on the phone for an hour, and meeting a second time, you go home and check your email again, to see if that one you had your eye on has written back yet. Maybe the one with the photo on his boat, or with the incredible body and long legs. Then you see a new face, new to Match, new to online dating, maybe you can get her before she is inundated with thousands of competitors, or worse yet, maybe you have a new wink from a serious Hottie. No problem right, you still have a third date set up so you have nothing to lose and everything to gain right? Go for it.

Let's see how many am I dating right now? Hard to say really because several have not called back in a few days, so they are clearly dating others, and some I am not sure I want to date anyways. I will though, of course. Better than sitting at home. Several more have shown enough interest to let me know that we will get together soon, so do they count?

I had after my marriage a woman I was deeply in love with. More so than anyone ever in my life. We dated long distance for over a year and even though I had kids and she did not, she agreed to be my wife and move up to Seattle from beautiful Monterey Ca. Tough move anyone would have to agree. We met at a conference down in Anaheim at an after hours party that was just getting started. I looked across the room and only because I had a 'wingman' was I confident enough to go up to her and talk with her. I was mesmerized. That second I said this was the right woman for me, and I was going to do everything I could to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. The weekend ended with virtually no work being accomplished by either of us, and we promised to see each other every other weekend from then on. We did, and it was absolutely magical. Pure Romance.

I wonder now, even though that relationship sadly ended, if I would have felt that same attraction to her had it just been a photo and a paragraph that I was looking at. Was she beautiful, absolutely? Are there more attractive women, maybe more photogenic women, yes of course. What would have happened if her photo was right below another that I found, physically more attractive? Would I have even said hi? I don't know, I do know that I have seen women who are probably wonderful people and past them by because of their photogenic qualities. I may have even said hi, and may have even met her for a drink. But with six more dates lined up behind her, two I have already dated and feel I know, and maybe one I have already slept with, how would I be in the right perspective to feel the spark that I felt down in Anaheim? The time I spent with my now ex-fiancé changed my life, my family and the way I see everyone around me. It was an amazing growth period and I think I would have missed out on it all, had I only seen or even met her on Match.

It is sadly the more I think about it, the pretty people who are most likely to fail with this site. Those who have lots of options, and who get inidated with complementary mail have the least chance of success and only because of the endless options. At what point do you cancel the subscription and call the date for tomorrow and cancel? Which of your best friends would agree with this statement made by you; "I am not going to even meet the handsome young Orthodontist with an income of 275k per year because I really like the guy I met today. So, I am going to call and cancel my date and really explore this guy." I know that is the right thing to do, but could you? Would your friends let you? Hell no! He is good looking wealthy and single. The guy you met today is really great and all, but this next guy will be better. It doesn't have to be about money, it isn't all the time, it could be really any number of different qualities you could substitute for the word wealthy, like, body, face, education, hair (or lack of it), tattoos, interests(at least how they are written). Maybe the guy or gal you met today was great, but the next one plays guitar, or rides a harley so off you go on the next date.

Now imagine you return from your date, a bit unimpressed. Sure he was a handsome orthodontist but something wasn't right, your not sure but if the word 'chemistry' fits anywhere in relationships its here. There was none. He laughed too loud, or worse, not at all. Had terrible breath, funny because he is a dentist. He hates cats, it could be anything, but the question now is what is next. You would go home, be a bit let down, and what then? Call mister wonderful from yesterday? Maybe, but first lets look at who else is on here I like. "Ooh he/she wrote back"

We are all on different pages when we meet, that is what makes this all so difficult. Some just broken up, some long since healed, but we meet and put our best faces on. I once heard a saying "Whoever loves the least wins". So let's say I am ready, which I am, and I meet a nice successful woman, who, well you know, kinda does it for me. Interests me, excites me, so I take my profile off of match. Even go so far as to decline a couple of dates with the polite message "Thank you for your interest, but I am going to pursue another person right now." Jump in with both feet, and find out after an investment of emotion and money that she was just out to play. I get hurt, because although love was not involved there was an investment on my end. She is fine because I was just another fun weekend to her. So how do we know? Who is being honest, how much emotion to give and when? I threw myself at my Ex Fiancé heart and soul, and had an amazing experience one I hope to duplicate with a better outcome at some point, but those opportunities out in real life are not as common as in the online world. We can gamble more because the odds are less of being back in that situation again anytime soon. Online, however the opportunities don't end even when you are dating someone. They are endless. How much are you gambling when there are ten more interested choices right in front of you, and you haven't even done a search in two weeks. It is hard for a lot of people to really put much 'out there' for that reason. Those that do risk opening up their hearts before the other is really 'off' of match are in for a heartache. Which by the way after extensive testing has been found to actually be worse than the brain-freeze given by milkshakes.

What is to keep you from sneaking a peak while in a lull in a good relationship? Maybe you have had a bad week with her, maybe she has been out of town, whatever, but checking online is easy and quick. See who may be looking, who is new and attractive. Maybe see you have some new winks. It's all so addictive. The high needs to be satisfied. I wonder, for the thousandth time if I will ever find someone again, and if I do will it be 'when I least expect it' like all of my friends say? If so how is it possible to be on match where I don't just expect it, I am paying for it.

My most recent contact is leaving town for the holidays and will return after the first of the year. She left that in her letter to me that we would compare horror stories, and I realized that I really do belong here. She is of course normal, I am normal, but both of us probably represent someone else's horror story. I have had some incredibly bad dates and can't imagine how anyone would ever consider me to have been that bad, but who knows. There has probably been a couple who were not as attractive in person, to me, as in the photos they posted, and probably one or two were able to see it in my face. I am sure I have hurt some feelings and have ended up being a story told over a gin and tonic in a living room somewhere. Maybe I came across as too needy, too attentive, or too drunk. No accounting for taste is there? It's all relative, and we all want different things. I can't imagine spending any time with a woman who watches NASCAR, but that is really nothing more than geography. Had I been raised in one of the southern states, I would be popping a Budweiser resting it on my belly, leaving a wet circle in my already yellowed t-shirt, and watching it with her. As it is, monster trucks, car racing, and motocross are not only not my hot buttons, they turn me off. Just as easily I can turn someone off by either poking fun at those or just being honest in my feelings for them. I believe that there are women who actually prefer mullets. National Geographic may do a special one day and we can see where they live, and how we can prevent them from reproducing but right now I know they are out there, and that is enough for me. Every one wants different things. I, I have finally realized, as perfect as I often think I am, am not for everyone. I am an aquired taste.

I have been off and on the online dating scene for almost four years. Often with long periods of inactivity, six months here and there, 18 months once and lots of shorter relationships. I have met some great women, all for an assortment of reasons, not right for me, but super people everyone. All of them I would love to see again and talk about current relationships and how life is going. But then there are the horror stories. I was once contacted by a 24 year old, now don't get mad, that is below my age limit, but she really wanted to go out, and had lots of education, or so her profile said, so I thought why not. I would like to see a movie anyway, and the company might be nice. I called her, and through her giggles accompanied by her male friend in the background, we set a time and place to meet. I was to pick her up downstairs outside of her condo in downtown Seattle. After hanging up I had to shake off the feeling that something was really wrong with this, and even went so far as to call my best friend and ask for an emergency call. Know what that is? Of course, we have all done it, it's the call to help you escape. The call that you can act like is an emergency and excuse yourself from the horror before getting swallowed up by it. I think just the idea that I have ever had an emergency call set up probably would make every new woman I ever date, if they knew, a bit nervous. But what options do we have, really? Some of us don't come with a 'rude' button, and being rude actually causes us visceral discomfort aka butterflies in the stomach. If you know you have to leave, know this is not working, know this person would be completely unable to reproduce successfully if the world came to an end. How do you excuse yourself? Some would just do it. "CLICK" Push the rude button, and out the door. Slide into their car and laugh about the date and how they left it to their closest friend who would of course appreciate the sheer audacity of the rudeness and laugh also. This is sooo much better than what I have to go through. Why, no balls, well yes that is part of it I suppose. A little too in touch with my softer side, well yes again, some would argue that. But somehow this is the way I am currently wired and without a near death experience which I hear makes people either nicer or meaner, I can only hope for the later, I am helpless to be one who feels guilt and worries about other peoples feelings.

Well I parked downstairs and waited for her to come down. She did, and only 5 minutes late, not too bad nowadays. Quick hug hi and into the car we went off to the restaurant she picked, a sushi place that has had great reviews. My red flag sensors were on, like always, nothing too scary just looking for some feature that I knew I could not live with, but so far through her incessant talking all that she said that was odd was how hungry she was. Famished. Starving, have to eat now! She went on to tell me how grumpy she can get when she is this hungry and starts to hurry me along. Ok fine, she is hungry. We get in to the restaurant and take seats at the sushi bar, order drinks and dinner. Great no problem. YET. Being sushi, the food is served quickly and like a lioness on a kill her head drops to about 3 inches from her food and she begins shoveling. Sip. I take a drink, and push my food around a bit, eyeing her on my right. I check my sleeves to make sure nothing will get caught in the shredder there. I take a few bites and another sip, feel its time to learn a bit about my date. She had profiled herself as being quite the little thinker and I was anxious to learn something about what she was doing. So I then turn and ask how her studies were going in advanced calculus, and micro economics. She quietly looks up from her food, with a bite still on her fork, turns her head just enough and says, 'I don't like to talk while I am eating.' Hmmmm. What the hell do I say to that? Nothing, clearly she does not want any speaking at all, so what am I here for anyway? I think I know the answer and it is sitting in my back pocket and also contains my drivers license, and pictures of my kids as well as the credit card she was interested in. Siiiiip! I take a bigger drink. I finish my smaller plate and keep nursing my drink. I had a feeling this would be it, not giving up yet mind you, just not sure I wanted another drink yet and add to my already hefty bill. At that point she looks up and asks me a question, first one all night, and thank god it's about me. One I can answer and speak about. She wanted to know a bit about my job, what my days were like. Normal stuff. So when I finish, all of two minutes later, I assume she is out of her mood, hope I don't see it ever again, and I ask about how her history classes were going…..Short silence, and I should have known, I certainly feared what was about to come again. She removes her lips from the bite now under chin and says simply, "I don't like to talk about that while I am eating". Well I am not very bright, known it all my life and had lots of people tell me so, but I knew that this date was over and I had just been stuck with another sixty dollar tab. So I turned around, facing the entrance, finished my drink and politely let her devour the rest of her meal. Once the tab was settled, "No thanks I will get it" Oh right she did not offer, we left and got back in my car. At this point she farted.

I sat there for a second and just stared straight ahead not sure how to proceed with what I knew had to be done. I had to end this date, right now in the middle of it, and to listen to her, she had no idea. So I simply turned and said so. Honesty right? I let her know that I wanted to take her home now and that the date was over, that I was just not comfortable with her and even though I was sure we were both great people we weren't right for each other…..Silence. Did I mention there was a quiet spell, sort of like the sound that existed just ten seconds before the big bang. Nothing, no birds, no engine it was a vacuum and I was nervous. There is still a stain on the driver's door upholstery where she exploded and blew the hair gel out of my hair.

All the way back to her place she tossed insults and tried to get under my skin, but I had had it, so I just wanted to drop her off and go drink myself into forgetfulness as quickly as possible. Maybe shower to remove the all over feeling of ickiness she had left on me. As we take a left and come around her block towards her front entrance,she says happily to me, "oh you can park right over there' and she points to a spot that is open. Park?...Did she say Park? Had she been conscious the last fifteen minutes? Park? Well park meant stopping, and the way I felt right then I was thinking she was lucky if I slowed down. I'd just lean over her and pull the little lever and push. So I say no I will pull in right here, an illegal spot but it was just for a minute so why not. I stop the car, put it in park and wait. Nothing. She isn't moving. In fact she even turns sideways with her back up against the car door and faces me with her arms crossed. What the seven hells can she want? She is absolutely scaring me right then. She might be small, but I could tell by looking at her that she could take me. Just go, end the misery, go now back up to your friend upstairs, hang upside down like a bat, whatever just go.
But then she says something (Put the word something in perspective. This is like God saying "I want to make something" and then creating the universe and life as we know it) that I will never forget. "Can I at least have a hug?" (Insert Psycho music here) And before I can speak she crawls over the center console, and lays full body on me with her arms wrapped around my neck. Now can all of you count to fifteen, and say 'one thousand' after each number? I learned that as a way to measure approximate seconds, and I would like you to do that now. One one thousand, Two one thousand, Three one thousand…..fourteen one thousand, and finally fifteen one thousand. Oh God she is still on me, and my arms are getting tired holding them straight out like Herman from the Munsters when he walked around with the steel bucket on his head. I haven't touched her yet. My prayer was answered and she peeled herself off of me then, turned and left. I grabbed my hand sanitizer.
Many of my worst dates, have been my fault. Now I see it as being all my fault and being, like I said, not very bright, all I can do is learn from my mistakes and try not to make them again. Being a man, some mistakes cannot be avoided, especially when alcohol is involved but others I should be able to get a handle on. This is one of them.

One eye. That was it. That was all the photo had, a very sexy eye, with a lock of dark brown hair lazily drifting down and curling around. She said she was an attorney and had a very clever profile, speaking right to my heart. Traveling, to sunny countries, with lots of warm water, dancing and drinks with little orange slices in them. Scuba diving, in fact she was a master, and could train. She could train me. We spoke, via email for about a week, tossing back and forth idle chit chat, and finally decided to meet for a quick lunch, both being very busy, we chose to eat at Red Robin. Fast right, order a quick salad or burger from a nineteen year old blond named Carly. She will drop the check with the food, clearly telling us we are no more use to her. No problem. Fast… Not fast enough.

I was there first, waiting in the lobby with a table all ready for us, and she arrived. No wonder only one eye was visible; the camera could not have taken much more than that all at once. No, not that bad, just not my type. But we can all at least enjoy the meal and learn something new so no harm done, right? Well maybe not. We make some small talk about diving and traveling, and I learn something new right out of the gate. I learned that in order to wear a dry suit while diving I would have to take a specialty class. Well there you go, the afternoon paid for right there, I always assumed it was a choice of how much someone wanted to spend on a suit rather than education. So we settle in and maybe it was nervousness on her part that made her start to spill over uncontrollably, as if I was removing her nails with pliers and demanding her to talk, I don't know, I really don't, but something in that woman's head told her that it would be fine to offer up her darkest secrets to me, a man she met 11 minutes ago. Now with two salads and a couple of cokes in between us, we were apparently long time friends. She looks up after a nice laugh about a diving adventure in Belize, and starts her story. I am on Match, she says, because I am trying to get over what my now ex husband did. 'What?' I say, foolishly, now I just want to punch myself in the forehead for asking, but I cant put a lid on compassion and manners. Well, she says, I had to help put him in jail for molesting our 13 year old adopted daughter…blocked detail..blah, blah, blocked detail. Then. Silence. Then hear myself screaming in my head "CHECK PLEASE!!", but amazingly nothing came out. The rest is kind of a blur, but I do remember divorce papers being served to him in prison, and the daughter being returned to the mother. There were a lot of other details I blocked out. I guess its Sort of like what I do when Im scanning the headlines of the local paper. "Family left homeless after freak elephant rampage tears through living room only the youngest children and oldest women were killed, George Bush rules" "Forty year old man loses fingers after being caught watching porn on laptop by wife". "Governor race in Washington State ends with more than 2.5 million votes counted and yet only a difference of only 42 separates the two. Forty two?? Out of two million five hundred thousand people the difference was only forty two? Huh? No way! Who makes this shit up anyways? Damn local papers. That's why I stick to the big one. The New York Times. I don't care if its liberal, I like it, and I like it that they advertise $5500 watches inside the Scene section. I feel like I can afford them after seeing them so often. I know that if I am seen looking at them I have to use the perfect casual smirk, it's a look I need to have on my face tells that person I think these watches are under priced. The Real Estate section is nothing but advertisements for 2.5 million dollar townhouses in Manhattan and I just love it. People look over my shoulder as I slowly move my fingers down the page saying things like ooohhh, this one looks good, or no, only a 176 degree view. Nope I deserve the full 180.
I am not very photogenic. I think this is the quality that makes models and movie stars, who they are, this odd photogenic quality. There are a few features that can be measured and predicted but by and large the people you see up close on a TV or movie screen do not look that good in real life. I however, am just the opposite, I look better in real life. Go figure. But try to explain that to a hot young executive who has several hundred other men, a few women, maybe even a couple or two, writing her and wooing her with prose, and promises. "Ride with me in BMW 7series, you will be the first to touch the passenger seat I promise". "I am flying in my new Cessna to my beach house on Orcas Island, and I would like you to join me. It's just for the weekend, and my wine cellar needs rotating. Maybe you would like to help me 'get rid' of some of the older stock."

I however am left trying to explain how that patch of hair between my eyes is really just the shadow of a caterpillar crossing my forehead, and I will try to get another photo out ASAP. NO that space between my teeth, yes I know it looks like I am missing a tooth, but no, it just the way they look on….Oh the squinty eyes?, uhm well yes that is really how they look, ok, have a good day. NEXT!

This is also true but in reverse for women. I think the company Glamour shots started this trend in the eighties, where extremely average, at best, girls or women could have massive amounts of paint, hairspray, and lots of camera "Magic" added together to come up with their one best photo ever. The one that sits on their desks, and people ask, wow is that your daughter? 'No, it's me about two months ago'. 6 hours of painstaking FX work can make someone look like or anything, for that matter. These are the photos women contribute. Hmmm, well I have been told men do it as well, but I can't imagine to the same degree. I mean what can you do with a comb over and lighting to make your bald shiny head look less like you have 3 chins, and a broken nose. Not much. But I dated this one woman, who because of her profession will have to remain completely in obscurity. She and I talked for weeks before meeting. Weeks, where I would actually look forward to talking to her after a long ay, or after a business trip. Her few photos online were breathtaking, and I could hardly believe that such a vision would wait for me, when I was so busy. Every photo looked better than the last, and they looked pretty normal, undoctored. A few days before we met, she let me know that she was nervous I would not like the way she looked, and I just laughed, c'mon, are you crazy? You are spectacular. She had been a professional model earlier, and even though she admitted to putting on a few pounds this last year, she still looked great. I was not nervous, I don't mind a gorgeous woman who has a little extra. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes after all. No worries. So I traveled to see her on our prescribed weekend, leaving work early and expecting to 'meet' her at about 8:00pm that night. We met just how we planned it, she was already a little drunk, from being nervous to meet me, she said, I had had a couple myself, so we were even, but, I have to say, she looked very little like how she appeared in the photos. They were clearly her, but somehow things were not put together as well as they were in the photos. It was something I just kept looking at over and over trying to figure out. Later I got to see her in an acting performance and there she was gorgeous, but next to me she was average, pretty, sweet, even dressed well, but all in all about average. How could this be? She was just the exact opposite from me. Somehow her features blended together in such a way as to make her spectacular from a distance or on film, but in person….ehh. Even so, she dumped me.
Some people seem to really have it together and I envy them, like my dog envies the stray running around my neighborhood. Some seem to have active lives that revolve around things, or activities, or say something really odd like friends and family. Mine never has. I am active, I run 3-4 miles a day or so, work out, and try to keep my heart and lungs healthy, I work hard, and spend a lot of time with my kids after school helping with homework and putting together dinners for them. After all of that, I usually try to do my one activity that I am completely addicted to. Spend time with women. I don't necessarily have to be sleeping with them, I just like their company. I have many women who are friends that I would never sleep with, if nothing else because I cherish the friendship too much to jeopardize it with sex.


No one goes to a used car lot unless they are thinking about buying a car, and that is the appeal of a dating web site. Its easier to step up and say hi because you know the situation of the person you are stepping up to. Some of us just have too vivid of imaginations to be able to do that in another situation. I can see a beautiful woman, who may even smile at me, and my mind is off to the races imagining her successful boyfriend waiting for her out in the car. Little do I even realize that she is probably single and interested. Its my imagination, and lack of self confidence that so often gets in my way. I can be nearly anywhere, and being not terrible to look at, I get flirty looks that I just cannot seem to turn into phone numbers. I have the feeling that many women really don't want, once they have experienced, the kind of guy who has the balls to go right up to them and get their number. Not a universal truth for sure, but many of the best guys just have enough of a shy streak or too good an imagination to step up to the plate.
There have been many times when I am in a great relationship, sitting in a nice lounge waiting for my date, and I get the look from a stranger that tells me she is interested, and I think to myself with my most cocky smirk I can imagine, "Oh I could have her", just walk right up and…, Crap who am I trying to kid. I could do it only while I was in a relationship, because I would have the confidence of a woman to fall back on, but then my motivation would be different wouldn't it? Hmmmm, have you ever tried to give away a pair of tickets at a game last minute? That feels easy, like a comfortable charitable friendly thing to do, right? Try to sell them for face value or worse yet scalp them for more, and you are likely to be able to relate to what I am talking about in motivation. No one likes to feel like they are selling something, funny because that is about all I do, but still, selling yourself feels, well….icky. Talking, however to an attractive woman, when I know its not my motivation is easy. I do it all day long. Sad, really it is. Too bad after inventing Viagra to help men keep themselves at attention for 'up to four hours',(OUCH), they could invent a drug to make shy guys less likely to hold back and more likely to go for it, even when she is clearly out of our league… Till then we have tequila.
Chatting online is something I am not entirely comfortable with. Today for example I just got back from a nice run out in the rain with my dog, and when I got back to my computer there were two women who wanted to chat with me, from Match. I find it both fun and tiring at the same time. How do I have sit and have a nice quiet pause in the conversation, maybe to look around, or get coffee, and not look rude. 'BRB' only works so well, and eventually you just want the person to either come over or get off of my damn computer. Thank God I have not taken the advice of some people to install a web cam. Crap, I would stop coming into my den altogether. Who wants that? Sure at 6 bucks a minute, ahem, or what the going rate, some can do very well at it, but I want to be able to pick my nose in my house, or wear dirty underwear, I don't want every woman I am trying to convince that I am genetically superior, to see all of this. It's a terrible idea. I don't even like chatting before I brush my teeth.

Today I had, like I said two women who wanted to chat, but for completely different reasons. The first is a very nice woman who I have talked with before nearly two years ago, and we just sort of ran into one another again on the match site. We talked about the weather up where she is at, shopping, work, kids and entertainment. Very nice. Finally it was time for me to get some lunch so I said good bye, but before I could leave the den the second woman say "Hi". She had her proverbial ankles around her ears in about 2 minutes. Cyber sex. Odd, weird, and no payoff. Hard to pass up, as a guy, but eventually it just seems like I am a Unich in the Harem of the great Sultan unable to touch or be touched. What is the point I ask you? Just dirty talk, ooh maybe a dirty photo too, but eventually it all leads to the same place…no where. That is the same reason I don't like to go to strip clubs, without a date that is, because its all such a tease. Why would I spend good money to get more and more frustrated? I am frustrated everyday of my life, that is the last thing I would hand over money to do.



Sometimes someone not being how you hoped they would look is the problem, sometimes that's not it at all. What happens when its not a physical problem? What do you do when they are just...well, uhm, ahem. Dumb as a fucking rock?
She was a very attractive older woman. About 4 years older than me. Small, very very small. Maybe four foot eleven and just barely pushing 90 lbs. We met for drinks and a talk and ended up going bowling. Still not sure how that happened but I think I was trying to be funny and might have suggested it, and of course she laughed and then with almost comedic timing she stopped laughing and said yes.
Things went along very well, and Ya de ya de yada, we end up talking, sweaty and naked in bed. As it happened I had a candle burning on the chest of drawers past the end of the bed and we were talking and watching the flickering of the shadows. And at this point I decided to be funny and said look I am experimenting with a new form of art, its called shadow art. No laughter, no giggle. What she said is still burned into my ochlea. "Wow David you are sooo smart!" Oh dear god, make 'it' stop speaking!

We start gathering her clothes looking for the stray sock, and belt. Gathering belongings and then she picked up her jeans and I heard a gasp. She was holding up what looked like very expensive jeans and where the crotch was supposed to be, there was a hole the size of a persons fist. Not a tear but a hole. My dog had eaten her crotch right out of her pants. Perfect ending to an era.