Giving up....to get respect

My very good friend from high school recently got back in touch with me because of our recent reunion. We always got along and getting back in touch just brought our friendship forward to today, without losing a step. Definitely a friend that can be classified as a 'Lifer'.
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He just had his first baby about three weeks ago and if you remember, and I am sure most of you do, what its like for the first weeks, months and sometimes year, you don't need to be reminded. It's very hard. Not the good kind of hard, like exercise, sex, or even overtime at work. No it's the hard that makes you wonder if you just made the biggest mistake of your life and now there is nothing you can do about it, but watch the craggily rocks at the bottom of the falls getting closer and closer as you helplessly fall towards them.

Babies vary, I have had two so I have seen both types, the easy and the very hard, and I have lived through the 'odd' behavior that the woman can display after having the baby, but I understand only the male point of view. I cannot in my dreams even imagine what it is like to be a woman going through the hormonal changes, the recovery, the physical changes etc..etc...etc… Men are not supposed to grasp such things, if we were we would be smarter, but we aren't. We can however tell the difference between a 5/16th socket and a 5mm one. Nearly useless I know, but it is something. We do know why you add oil to gas in certain small motors, and can universally gut and clean a fish without crinkleing our noses.

My friend Rob called me today with an issue, and its great that I was just writing and getting feedback on venting because that was all he called to do. However, knowing that he is a man, and I am a man, I knew that men like to have things fixed. So, I was able, after letting him vent, offer up helpful words (not advice really) that made him feel better. He was calling me because life as he knew it had come to an end with his new baby and new wife and he was panicking and angry all at the same time. "There is nothing I can do right with that woman!" "She has gone psychotic!" "She yells, complains and insults me now, and is treating me like dirt, or worse". This went on for a while, as I let him 'vent'. Then I had inspiration hit me right in the forehead. Oh I hope I can remember this at some point in the future, please someone write it down for me, because I think its gold and I know when I need it, it will be forgotten. Oh god, what do I know, but it seemed revolutionary to me, and he thought so too. I told him that if he and I could look into a crystal ball and see some time in the future, months, a year, who knows, but some time in the future, that if he can just man-up and take this now. Just put up with everything, and as he said "spread his ass cheeks farther apart so it does not hurt so much" that when she and her friends look back on this time he will be considered the best husband in the world. The most considerate, the most generous, the most stable and loving husband in the whole mommies group. If however, he fights back, tries to defend himself the words will only be seen in the future as whining. There will be, and I don't argue this point, infinite leeway given to the woman for being crazy, because…well, she kind of is, but the man cannot in anyway justify fighting back when attacked. I told him to just hang in there, be supportive and try to realize that she is currently not the same person physically, emotionally or mentally that he married, but given some time she will be again, and his actions now will determine how he is seen by everyone later. Hers…well, not so much.

Men, have no way to understand what is going on in the woman's brain, so no way to know when they are being attacked because the woman is just being mean, or if she is venting because of hormones. We can't tell the difference. We barely know there IS a difference. If someone attacks us verbally we defend ourselves, it's only natural. But that is, as I am learning, not always the appropriate response. So the question is; How do we tell when its time to stand up for ourselves and say "Hey you are wrong, I am not a douche-bag". When do we stand up for ourselves so as not to be seen as a weenie? Does the woman respect a man that she can insult regularly if he does not fight back? I think that is the fear all men have of losing respect. Men fear losing respect so we fight for it, should we be doing just the opposite to gain respect?