Last night I was watching a long lost episode of MASH on late night TV, sadly this was on a Friday night too. Part of the drama was regarding a young surgeon who had been sent from HQ to educate the Drs at the great old 4077 MASH unit. One scene showed the young Dr in front of an easel demonstrating how to correctly do a heart surgery after shrapnel had entered it. What they were talking about was not important to the story, what was important was that one of the characters took great offence to a young Dr from Tokyo, who was not on the 'front lines' trying to tell them what should be done, and how to do it. Classic situation right? Who has not been in, or witnessed this same arraignment in real life? A young newbie coming to your workplace and changing everything, speaking with importance when you know, that they have no clue what reality is, and what they are saying just does not work in practicality. There are just times when all the book education in the world is not useful, when the random chaotic nature of everything, especially a womans brain, is too complicated to predict and you just have to wing it.
Right now I find myself in a Starbucks tapping away on my keyboard amongst hoards of holiday shoppers, and families and completely alone at the same time. Perfect. This is city life and I love it. Next to me is a young girl, who apparently is a new psychologist sitting with her mother and step father talking about her sister's upcoming wedding. Her mother made a joke and they all sighed, rolled their eyes and laughed after saying that 'her' (the young girls) only job would be to keep the bride calm. My first thought is well who better? Who better to keep someone calm a family member, during a potentially stressful situation, and keep to keep her own feelings out of it, than a psychologist? Who better right? Uncle Joe the plumber? Aunt Betty the overweight, unemployed quirky one? But is the young psychologist really better? Seems like it should be right?
I have been reading a self-help book that I picked up, and have already been made fun of for reading it, called For Men Only. Using lay mans terms this husband and wife team try to explain to scrubs like me, what is going on in a woman's mind during what to men are very confusing times. Which if you are a man, know are any times the words feelings arise. As I read the book I felt like I was getting some great insights, and looking back on my previous relationships, my mistakes and their explosions, I can now say "Oh, that was what was going on" I have even been able to help a few friends with my new insight in their relationships, if only a small amount. In war (sarcastic analogy) reconnaissance of the enemy is critical to winning, or at least not losing. So, in my male, linear, and logical mind, figuring out what is going on, what each emotional outburst means, and preparing a solution for it makes sense. (I am not as smart as I look, so I realize you probably think this is ridiculous, but I was a boy scout and preparation is key to any endeavor in my mind). Each nugget of insight into the female brain, however off base it might be for 'you' in particular gives me a feeling of empowerment. Each thing I learn makes me feel like I might be able to survive longer the next time a 'battle' arises, but will I? Is being armed with information, like this girl next to me, when in the heat of the 'battle', when emotional energy is being bounced from the walls, singing my eyebrows, when it is directed at you personally useful? When her sister breaks down, starts crying that everything is wrong, and starts directing her anger towards her sister, maybe calling her stupid, or bringing up her past failed relationships out of nowhere, will she be able to pull from her knowledge and be able to do her duty to "Keep her calm" or will she crumble, get angry back, take it all personal, and storm out with her hands up. Will I be able to do any better with my new arsenal of information when my next love lashes out at me? Will I remember what it said on page 47, chapter 3 about emotional outbursts and how to best successfully (and usefully) handle them, or will I shut down, like usual, throw up my hands and say I need to go clean the garage? I don't know. I think it's like those who watch exercise Gurus and then read about them dieing of heart attacks while jogging in Central Park, or people like Dr Phil getting a divorce. We wonder, damn, what's the point? If they can't do any better than that, with all of their knowledge how the hell can I be expected to do any better than I do now? One thing for sure I can tell you, like any survival kit, its of no use unless its accessible during an emergency, so this little book will be safely tucked in my office bookshelf where I can quickly retrieve it while ducking for cover.
As to whether or not it works, I will have to let you know.
One of my longest known friends is a woman I have known since our first year of college. We have been there for each other through various relationships and for some reason, have never crossed 'the line' with each other, and have become great friends. Lifelong friends for sure. No doubt in my mind if I am ever having issues, she will drop everything and come meet for a talk or to be of service, and I would do the same for her.
Her now long time relationship has been as rocky as any I have ever heard. Everything negative you could possibly hope to find in a failed relationship you could find in this one, yet they are still together and still love one another. The other day she and I were talking about some of those issues, well I was listening, and she said something that surprised me a bit. She is an absolute type A personality, very successful, very smart and has a lot of spunk, so with that in mind what she said was all the more surprising. I had to read between the lines a bit, this was not said in words so much as in emotion, but she was beginning to make peace with the fact that he had 'changed' as much as he was going to. That there were absolutely going to be differences between their ways of thinking on some very core issues that she was not going to win on. He was not either, lets make that perfectly clear, but she was going to have to let go of it. And she was. She told me that she knew at his age he was who he was. And that wasting emotional energy trying to make him perfect, after some 14 years, was wasted energy. They were absolutely going to differ on some things and she was going to go all Zen on me and let it be. "Bend like a blade of grass in the wind grasshopper".
This is not the first time I have heard this. I have heard it before, but usually it is out of the mouths of 'old' couples. Couples that have been together for longer than I have been alive. Talking about the success of having acceptance to one another's differences, to their uniqueness, and the inability to always have 'their' own way. I wonder if this itself is the key to long life, and happiness. To know that you really can't do much better than being in a fairly successful relationship, and accepting your partner for a flawed human who is doing their best to find happiness in their life with you. Their motivations may be at odds with yours at times, their actions confusing or irritating, but if they love you, if they are still trying, still care enough to change when possible, to accept what they see also as flaws in you (AND YOU HAVE MANY!!!), would it not work for all of us to follow Grasshopper?
Just a thought.
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