The Sixth Sense...and our Tummys

Five senses are the norm for most people right? Some will claim they have a six sense, others will claim that there is more to the world than just what we can hear, see, taste touch and smell. Some will say there is a whole set of feelings and emotions that we should try to be in touch with, that they will know more about their surroundings because they are in touch with them. Well, maybe. I will say that right now I am optimistically skeptical about that. I don't believe in Ghosts, ESP or UFO's but I will tell you that I would like to very much. Unfortunately that will take more than a good story by a credible person to convince me. It will take personal experience or hard proof. Nothing would turn me on more than to be getting ready for a shower, wipe away the fog from the mirror and see a face staring back at me that is not mine. Being that I am already in the bathroom I think the cleanup would be easier too. Short of personal experience I cannot be convinced.

But right now, although I feel very in tuned with my ability to read between the lines and pick up 'vibes' from people, I would say that I think we are stuck with what we were given. If we want to feel something we have to touch it, if we want to taste it we have to put it in our mouths etc. But this leads to the question is that really it? Assuming for a moment that supernatural things are not real, is that really all we have? If so, how is it that our stomachs can feel something that cannot be seen, touched, smelled or heard, our stomachs can 'feel' emotion.

Stomachs can feel full, can feel sick (personally I think sushi should be outlawed for this reason), feel hungry, and in my case, I am sure not yours, feel gassy. Living alone that is not really a problem for me, luckily my little girl dog can't complain otherwise I might feel guilt, but I just feel it adds character to my house. Slowly adding color and texture to the walls and ceiling that would be impossible to duplicate at Sherwin Williams. But mine feels emotions too. All sorts. When I am happy, at my most relaxed it is a feeling of being full of clean air. Almost buoyant from the middle out. I just keep taking deep breaths of air to fill myself up and exhale slowly while my muscles loosen and relax.

When I feel guilt, which is rare. It is a 'pain' that lies in my stomach. It nags at me reminding me that what I did, or said was probably not the right thing to do. Makes it impossible for me to move on in my day without suffering from my actions. Keeps me from trying to just forget what I did, blow it off, and move on. Its my own judge, jury and executioner.

When I felt heartbreak I lost control of my interior entirely. My stomach was an alien I wanted to remove. Wanted desperately to get that pain out of my middle and forget. If I could have cut it out I would have. It is possible for me to understand now how someone, with less fortitude than myself would kill themselves to escape the pain. It just permeated every moment, of every day. Blocking out sleep, making food unpalatable and rendering my ability to concentrate on my work next to impossible. Just when I would think I had moved on, a smell, or a song, maybe a comment would bring it right back. Time being the only cure is a slow one to heal. Each day's improvement is not noticeable from the inside. Maybe week to week a friend might recognize the changes, but when it is you it feels unchanging day after day. Years later it is gone, but the fear of re-experiencing that is no less than the fear of accidentally drinking the water in ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Mexico.

As bad as that is, and there is not much worse (don't try to fill in this blank we know there are worse things), there is one emotion that our stomach feels that some can never escape from. Never fully move past. Doubt. The question of whether or not your significant other is being honest, is not cheating, is thinking of you and is still committed to you can appear forever. The question to ponder here, for those of you who have experienced this, and I expect the number is high, once you have been cheated on, realized that your 'sixth sense', your bullshit detector did not work, can you ever be fully trusting again?

I expect to hear from someone who says "Yes", just move on, be bigger than the problem, and don't let your past punish the one you are with. Fine. I get it, I am not perfect. But I hear stories of women who were cheated on years earlier, are now happily married five, ten and one twenty years later, and yet when something does not fit suspicion crawls in. Doubt sneaks back in and starts creating imagined stories in our heads of possibilities, rehashing conversations and words looking for red flags. I assume that our stomachs, for some reason, has been made the central nervous system recognition center for emotions.

The last woman who cheated on me, which was years ago, and with a mutual friend, came to my bed one night and pointed out three bruises that were a above her hip and slightly towards her back, but definitely on her waist. They were in the perfect shape of a hand and fingers. She pointed them out and said "I know what that looks like but it isn't what you think." Okay, I said, fine. I trusted, there was skepticism but not much. I blindly accepted what was told to me because I believe that others will treat me with honesty just like I would with them. I still don't know for a fact those were not caused by something she bumped into, maybe they were, its ancient history now, but she is now married to the guy who she left me for. The guy who she was seeing at that time.

Did my bullshit detector fail? I don't know. What if I had my detector turned up a bit higher would I have overreacted there when that set of bruises might have been honestly explainable opening up a whole new set of issues? How do we re-set that dial to keep ourselves in tune with reality, in tune with the fact that 20-50 percent of all people, men and women have cheated or will cheat on their spouses or significant others, and still live a life free of that feeling of suspicion? That feeling of being taken, cheated, made a fool of.

I have always lived my life giving my significant other one hundred percent trust until there is reason to doubt. Life feels better trusting than doubting. I would rather believe that this person is as honest as I am, that this person would end my relationship before starting another, but it is just not always reality. The older we get, the more we date, the more we are in long term relationships, the more jaded we become because we get a chance to realize that others have imperfections, make mistakes and sometimes take advantage. Yet there is still happiness to be found in relationships so we peruse them. Each time we are let down we add that stone to our bag of rocks we are carrying around and bring it along to our next relationship. Sometimes therapists, counselors or life coaches can help us to toss some of those rocks away, lightening the load and making both our lives easier and that of our spouse. But some can only be buried, not tossed. Maybe forever, but maybe just until another set of unexplained bruises show up.

I listened to a local radio show the other day about whether or not women would prefer their men to gain some weight while in their relationship with them. Many, when put on the spot, would have to laugh and say that yes, if they knew their man was less attractive to other women, they would feel more comfortable. They would, in some cases, sabotage their men's attempts to lose weight, or begin exercise programs subconsciously. I have asked women about this face to face and none would admit this, or would say no they want their guy to look good forever. Fine, either the study was wrong, or my friends and acquaintances are universally more trusting than average. Personally I get an ego stroke when another guy looks at my woman. I am comfortable with that, but with an attractive person comes the increased opportunity for 'other options'. Men and women will pursue another even if they know that person is in a relationship and sometimes just because they are in a relationship if they are pursuing just for sex. Add alcohol and a night out, or weekend out of town and putting your head in the sand starts to sounds silly.

Are you in a relationship, where the other person, has given you no reason at all to doubt them, been nothing but a perfect partner, but find yourself with doubt? If something is out of place, a piece of clothing appears, or disappears do you feel you have the right to accuse them, or even question them. If they are honest then you will ruin their mood, maybe their day by showing them you doubt, and it also makes you look insecure. Maybe drive a little wedge between the two of you, and make it harder to bring up the next time something like lipstick appears on a collar. Hmmm, was it from a simple hug or something more? Does that perfume smell too strong or just right from a simple night out discussing business with a colleague and old friend or should you be worried. If there is nothing going on, then you are ruining your day for nothing, allowing the stones in your bag to pull you under the water making it hard to breathe. If there is something going on, you would want to know though and each of us has a strong desire to be a detective, to root out dishonesty and catch someone in the act, don't we. I think everyone would choose trust if we could. Its not just those that are untrustworthy who don't trust, its those who have been whacked on the nose with a rolled up newspaper full of bad news too many times who don't.

Balance is what we are all striving for in our lives. Some of you have never felt the pain of losing someone you really loved, never have had anything truly emotionally devastating happen to you, and that is great. Hopefully it won't, but for the rest of us, we are striving towards peace, towards filling our middles up with buoyant air and allowing or minds and muscles to relax and feel acceptance. We fight the doubt, fight the emotions, some of us more, and some less, that bring us down. That puncture our middles and leave us with a hollow empty feeling inside. I think some are unintentionally striving towards something that is not entirely healthy, and that is to become an Island. An emotional island where no one can hurt them. A place where they are avoiding the emotional risk of a relationship, finding things wrong with everyone just to escape before there is danger. Once all of the emotional bridges have been burned, we are left alone, safe but alone, to decide whether or not to try to rebuild to allow connection to others again.

I have been spending a lot of time becoming comfortable with myself, that is, being alone. I don't mind it anymore like I used to. I enjoy myself, go to dinners and movies by myself at times, and even on occasion if there is no one to go with, go on short vacations by myself. I think that is healthy, not being a dependant sort. I expect that when the right door is shown to me and the other person cracks it open to me, I will push it the rest of the way open and step inside, to cross their bridge and not be afraid. I hope I am strong enough.