Having a blue day?

The other day I was having what is pretty normal in this world to have, even though it feels very personal and isolated, and that was a blue day. I have written about them and thought about them and what I have found is there is just no way around having them on occasion just like once in a while even with all the vitamins and exercise in the world you will catch a cold. You just have to roll with it.
I was moping around calling friends, looking for something to shake my feeling of, at the time aloneness (Hey I am human), and ended the night by just going to bed early and getting some sleep. The next day I began venting on one of my best friends, who at first scolded me for not calling her first, then went ahead to tell me some bad news. You see there is a couple we mutually call friends. Kathy and Rusty. They have a beautiful little boy who is four and runs around playing with all the other kids, and are newly pregnant with another. Hurray. Good stuff, kids.
Stepping back a bit, all of us, plus another ten or so friends were all out together about 6 weeks ago having fun and unbeknownst to us, Rusty had just started complaining about stomach pains, not aches, pains. Shortly, a week or so, after our get together which was great, nothing bad enough to stop him from bowling, drinking beer and watching the football game, they decided to take him to the hospital to have it examined. Initially there was serious concern but it was up in the air whether or not he had pancreatitus, or something much worse. The news yesterday was that he has stage four pancreatic cancer, already spread to the lymph nodes, and is given only a one percent chance of survival. That might be being optimistic too one percent. Miracles do happen and I am praying for one now, but still we can only hope for the best. Hope that his kids will get to know him long enough to remember him. Hopefully forever, but at least to remember. Its our worst fear, if we think about it. To have our kids not even remember us. To live a life of 40 or so years, to have children, fall deeply in love with them, planning their futures and then to have the lines abruptly unemotionally cut. Everyone else will move on without us and leave us in our hospital bed alone. Our children growing up with nothing but faded photos to know us by. How can we communicate to them how much they are loved through a photo? How can we live a whole full life with them when we wont be there?
One day about six years ago, I went to the dr. complaining about dizziness. The dr. who I did know, sat down, looked at his clipboard and within five minutes, I swear it was that short, he diagnosed me with either MS or a brain tumor. No tests, no guessing, and no saying well we might have something to be concerned about. No, I had one or the other.
I remember the days and nights following that diagnoses, I had just lost a friend to a brain tumor the year earlier, and I thought that having one was a death sentence. I lived the fear that is the reality Rusty has now. My MRI came back normal, packed sinuses it showed, and being the person I am now, had I seen that dr. again, I would have sent him to the hospital with a broken nose. The bastard unemotionally misdiagnosed me with a life ending, or changing diagnoses that was completely unwarranted. Ignorance is bliss let me tell you, and the fact that you can only imagine what it is like to have your family move on without you is a good thing, I unfortunately got a peek into what it was like. It was horrible. It was almost my reality, and may be yours tomorrow.
I was talking with another one of my long time friends earlier this morning and after she told me all about the fight she had just had with her husband, how upset they both were, and how he had chosen to sleep downstairs without her, I told her the story of Rusty. No manipulation was intended but she immediately said "Ya know, the fight was stupid. I should just call him and get over it" Yeah, you should. Easier said from the outside, but still you should. And you should too. Rusty and Kathy had no idea 48 hours ago that this was reality. Fighting over respect, listening, and who should apologize first just became nothing but dust in the wind. His life is ending, hers is going to have to continue without him, and she will have to raise two children who will never know their daddy. Minutes count now. Every single second counts now. Money is now worthless, and time is priceless. Arguments are wasting time, expressing love is all there is time for. Tears and expressions of love.
I care about them so much, and am so worried. There is nothing I can do, nothing you can do. Nothing at all. God, if you believe, is in control of this, and knowing that the world is not fair, and bad things happen to good people leads me to believe that every night that I go to bed, with all four limbs moving, no serious scars to my body or face, and no disfunction in my brain (no jokes please), is a huge gift. Another day with my family, or another day without having to be worried sick about one of them.
Have you ever thought how good it feels to not be worried sick about someone you love? Maybe you should. What would you be doing right now if the person you loved the most in the world was in the hospital right now, and may not make it. Now take a deep breath and go give that person a hug, and thank god (again if you believe) that everything is okay….at least it is for another day. Prepare yourself though, tomorrow is coming. No way to stop it, and everyone you love had better know you love them, know your feelings, because you just never know when people will be writing about you.
Thank you God.