How to date your soul mate

Can your state of mind, the way that you think about yourself affect the outcome of an upcoming relationship? Does the way you think about yourself matter at all? This might be an important question to know the answer to. If your mental state of mind can affect whether or not you are successful, however you define success in your relationships, then shouldn't you pay a lot of attention to it? Past relationships that have not gone as you would have liked may be related more to your state of mind than whether or not the offending parties were jerks. Your state of mind about yourself may actually influence the type of man you are choosing. Ever heard someone say "Your picker is broken"?



Everyone has heard of, even if they don't have one themselves, a Game-face, or maybe a Poker-face. Certain sports and activities require a presence of mind for success and some people show it more than others on their faces, right? Look at the faces of football or basketball players just before a championship game and what will you see? It's easy to imagine even if you have never seen it. Faces that are expressionless, eyes determined, lips tight. You would find the locker room quiet allowing personal introspection, and concentration so that each can think through the mechanics that will be required come game time. Each suppressing fear and anxiety in their own way, putting past successes and failures out of their minds. None of which make any difference now. All that matters is the now, the present. Not what kinds of cars they drive, what kinds of houses they live in or whether or not their significant other is with them, or has left them. Casual conversation would never be heard here. No conversations about trips to Maui, or trouble at home. The concentration would be intense, palpable even. So this leads us to the question, if some people take a game this seriously, whatever the game and whatever the stakes, why don't we put this much preparation into readying ourselves for our next life partner?


For you to be ready for the man of your dreams there are certain preparations that you need to make. Soul-mates don't fall out of the sky often, so when he does make an unexpected appearance it makes sense to make yourself ready, doesn't it? If there were a few routine maintenance items you could put yourself through to get ready, to increase your chances that he would feel the same way about you, wouldn't you do it? If all you had to do was stop by the shop for a tune up, maybe a waxing, a manicure and a perm, wouldn't you do it? Of course you would. If only those things really mattered to a soul-mate. Sadly they don't however, those physical things matter most to someone destined to waste your time not to someone who will love you forever regardless of how you look.


I am one that subscribes to the belief that the planet does not just hold one soul-mate for each of us, but rather many who are evenly spread across the globe. The fact that you have met one by this time in your life should tell you that yes they exist, but since you have only met one or maybe two true loves you also need to accept that they are rare. More rare than perfect diamonds. The belief that there is only one Soul-Mate in the Universe for each person is a very dismal one, and just not accurate. This theory says that if you blow it with that person, you are shit out of luck, or at best you will need to wait another twenty years to meet the next one. Soul mates are rare, no question, and when we find one we should do our best to make a place in our lives for them, but another could be walking down the stairs in the building to your left right now. Could be getting a coffee at a café in Paris, or running a business in Boston. They are all around us, but evenly spread. Being ready for one, if this is your goal, is critical because you just don't know where the next "click" will come from, and if it comes and goes because you were not ready, how will you feel at your next girlfriends wedding reception?


Preparing yourself for a soul mate is simple, but not easy. Simple because you don't have to do very much, just be. Not easy, because just "just being" is harder than it sounds. There is absolute truth to the statement that meeting your soul mate will change your life, but, and this is so important for you to think about, this person will not make you a better person, nor give you a better life. On the surface that sounds like a Duh statement, but it isn't. You probably have a belief that you would be happier in life with your soul mate, that your loneliness would end, and you could really begin the life you have dreamed of. Maybe he will be handsome (another duh statement), funny, or well off. Maybe you picture not having to deal with all of your stuff alone anymore. Dealing with house/apartment repairs, car issues, kids, or a boss alone is not fun, and each time a new situation comes up the thought that if you were in a relationship this problem would be easier will arise in the back of your head. This is all true and absolutely false at the exact same time. Certain problems will become easier to deal with, maybe going to sleep at night, or planning your weekends another but unfortunately you will still be you. Given some time to settle into the relationship, if you were not really ready, your old fears, insecurities and discomforts will rise back up. Have you ever felt completely alone while sharing the bed of your partner, the one who at one time was all consuming? Of course you have. We all come into this world alone and exit it the same way. Sharing our life with someone is great, but does not change the fact that we need to work on ourselves as adults to find the peace that will bring harmony because no one else will. You are on your own no matter who you are with. Partners will help each other out, but the weaker of the two is always the downfall. If you are not ready, if you have not become completely at peace with yourself, you will un-wittingly be the downfall even while you blame him.


Here is the test to see if you are ready to meet your Soul-Mate. You have just met the man that knocks your socks off. He is fantastic, everything you have ever pictured in your mind about how he should look, talk, act and treat you is there. There are no red flags at all. You feel so special being the one he is with, and can't wait to share the news about what he does with your friends. He seems to feel the same way about you, but after a week you hear nothing back. How do you feel? Its natural to feel down that you got your hopes up, but being proud of who he is enough to want to share it, shows you are looking for something to complete you. If you even think about how much you like it that he is a doctor, lawyer, or business owner. Find even the smallest shred of pride in knowing that you are the one with him and others wish they were, you are failing yourself. You are displaying a shallowness that will be your un-doing. He may be ready for a true love, but you are not. You will be the cause of the fall of this scenario. Eventually, because you felt pride, you will feel worry, or jealousy. You will feel fear of loss. Yet were you completely at peace with yourself, alone and in who you are, you would not have felt a rise in stature because of him, so you will feel no drop when he goes. This confidence, which brings peace will aid you in nurturing the relationship past the rocky points, and not falling victim to the irrational fears that come from insecurity.


You are You, an individual in this world no matter who may come into your life, who leaves it, what you have gained or what you have lost. Were your brand new car to be stolen tomorrow would that leave you any less of the person your friends and family love? No, a little poorer likely but the same person still, no different than the day before. If you were to win the lotto, would this change your soul in the least bit? Would you feel more at peace with your life, your emotions, or your desires than you do today? No, of course not. There will be a brief change in mood until you become accustom to the new level of financial freedom, however big or small it may be, but you will find yourself back in bed alone someday shortly after, staring at the ceiling wondering how you have made such a mess of things again. Rather than the money you just won, you can take that fact to the bank. You are the only common denominator in all of this. You. You are the one who accepts dates from men whom you realize probably are not your dream man because you are lonely or feel like you need some attention you go. You are the one who sleeps with them because you are either horny ( I understand, believe me), or feel that he will leave if you stop. He will. Try it. You are the one who is afraid to be alone, afraid to not be wanted to not be desired. Could you be comfortable not being wanted by anyone for a month, how about a year? Can you imagine what that would feel like? Aside from family and friends, if you could drop the desire, and the need to be wanted, would you have more or less power in your life? More or less security?


Your friends are themselves versions of you dealing with the same issues you are, but to them it's personal for them. You see glimpse of them when they share their thoughts, fears, insecurities and offer advice as best you can, and you do it to them as well. All of you running around like mice in a maze trying to ask each other how to get out over and over, year after year. This is about you. It's all about you. You can change only by looking inside yourself, making peace with what you see, loving yourself, loving your friends, and family and making a life that does not need anyone in it to be full. Soul-Mates are like Jell-O after all, there is always room. Make a decision to change what you are doing to have any chance of getting different results.


When you decide that you are ready to stop playing the games of dating, stop playing for sex, fun, or gifts (this is for men too), then its time for you to turn off all input from men who are not 'Growing old together" material. Break up permanently with every guy you keep stringing along because you like the way he makes you feel, or the trip he will take you on, the concert he can get you into or the booty call you sometimes need. End all casual sexual relationships with finality. Then quietly, and alone (this is the hard part), walk into the locker room and find your game face. Make peace, with being alone, until you are comfortable with it for long periods of time. Long enough that you begin to wonder if someone could even fit with you anymore you have become so used to being alone. Don't lie to yourself and believe that being alone for a week or two counts as grasping the nature of being comfortable with yourself. It doesn't. If you are 'talking' with anyone via the internet, texts, across state lines whatever, you are not working on being alone. If a man still wants you, but is not the Soul-Mate you are looking for end it. He is a distraction to your being able to grow. A distraction to working on how to be alone and not lonely. When you find this peace you wont be lonely on a Friday night. Of course you can go out with friends, don't become a hermit, but focus on them, not on those looking to steal your energy. If you are still hoping to be asked out, you are not there. If you are on a dating site, you are not there. And if you are flirting at the bar with some guy who you know nothing about you are not there. Sure there are exceptions to the rule, but you are probably not one of them. Be honest with yourself. Patience, clarity of desire and strength of conviction comes from the comfort of knowing you are okay alone. It's not torture once you arrive, only at first, then its peace, and strength. No longer will your heart be bent by the words of a man who desires you, but not You. Your compass, moral or otherwise will point you in a particular direction, and you will see it clearly. Your true needs, true life's desires will become clear and will come to you, not the other way around. What you really want, what you really desire in a partner will hit you one day while you are alone and have no prospects on the horizon. At that moment you will be ready for him. You will know exactly what you want, others will have nothing to offer and will seem silly, your heart will be strong and you will be courageous, Best of all, if you meet the one you believe to be him, and he is not ready for, you will walk away knowing that you are okay, no less for it, and will have exactly the same amount of optimism as you had going in. You will know that walking down the stairs in the building to your left may be the next one, who will fill just as many of your desires as the last but in a whole new way. You will find peace.

How to Date a Man, Sex, and Spidermans Suit

I was once asked, in jest, how I would sum up the differences between men and women. One author wrote that Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus, but that to me, only tells the reader that he recognizes a difference, and hopes to explain it through observations. It is true though, that only women are from Venus, because only a woman could survive there. My response however was that women are like a finely tuned piano. Many different keys to press, different buttons that do different things, and when pressed in different orders give different results. This analogy goes past emotional to the physical as well, so enjoy the conversation starter over your next martini. It takes years to master a piano, and that is only if the person trying is spending hours each day studying it/her. To make matters worse, some pianos are built differently than others, some are in better tune than others, and really when you first sit down at one, even a master, which I am certainly not, will have no idea what will happen when a particular button is pressed, much less two or three in quick succession. It is a complicated instrument that takes a lifetime to understand, appreciate and master. Years of cramping fingers, and crossed eyes studying the various chords that can be played by pressing keys in different orders.



A man, however, and sadly I might add, is built exactly like a Bongo drum. Again, emotionally and physically. Not a drum set, with cymbals, a foot control and multiple skins, no. A single bongo drum. Anyone can play a bongo drum and make it sound exactly like it is supposed to sound. Any female can walk past one in the living room and start tapping on it, and yes that is what anyone on the planet would expect a Bongo drum to sound like. Even a cat dropping down from a higher shelf using it as nothing more than a step stool can make that drum sound just right. It just is not that complicated. True, some can make that same bongo sound like a Tahitian night with fire dancers prancing around with the smell of a pig roasting over an open pit, but really men are pretty simple. So why the confusion? Why, if women are the superior gender, the owners of the evolutionarily advanced X chromosome, are men such a mystery? Are our thoughts just that different?




I signed up, again, for Match.com 48 hours ago and thought I would share my thoughts on how I felt, feel, and what I expect. There seems to be some confusion among women, as I skim profiles, or answer letters, as to what a guy is thinking while on the site. Being a man, it seems about as simple as pouring coffee as compared to making a triple Vente, half-caf, skinny, with caramel syrup (the real kind stored in the back room, not just what is on the shelf), 174.9 degree Latte in a double cup with the logo facing straight out. Where the confusion comes in, I am guessing, is when a woman’s thoughts are projected onto the mans, and as we all know, a maestro piano player, cannot play a bongo any better than my nine year old….at least not at first.




For the sake of this article, to keep it simple, I need to first weed out the…uhm weeds. Many of those I have dated in the past would count, but to be honest I have been other people’s weeds as well. Weeds, for us here, are those who are either not being honest on purpose, or don’t realize they are not being honest usually because they are confused with themselves. Their own place in the world, and how they need to cope with their own loneliness. Since I was one of these people at one time, I can only smile and shake my head at their naivety; it’s not their fault, any more than it’s a cows fault for walking in their own shit. They just don’t know any better.




If all of you reading this could accept the fact that at a core level, most people are just people, there are good ones and not so good ones, and we all will be making mistakes and experiencing speed bumps along the way, then we can realize that no in fact, all men are not jerks, anymore than I think all women are. Since I have filed a lawsuit against the last gal I dated, I have reason to think this is so….but it isn’t the case. Think positive, there are (I hope) great people out there mixed in and amongst the cow dung, but we need to be about ankle deep to find it.




So from a mans perspective who would love to find a woman that both allows me to sweep her, but also sweeps me, these are my thoughts about match.com;


Before logging on this time, I had had a revelation. While at church the other week I happened to notice a young couple, a few years younger than myself, enjoying the service as much as I did. My church is very young, very funny, great rock style music and draws a very hip fairly affluent crowd. So as I looked around I noticed quite a few couples around my age all enjoying together what I was enjoying alone. Now, I am not perfect or anywhere near it. I have often walked away from church with my tail between my legs, but honesty, and advice on good living is extremely useful to finding a deeper sense of happiness I believe, so I continue to go. I realized how nice it would be to be able to be enjoy this with someone else. To be with someone who did not continually lead me to the temptations that I am so naturally drawn towards. I realized that this time I would like to date a Christian girl. What that looks like to you, and what I think it looks like to you, makes me laugh a bit. I still want everything else, Hot, sexy, educated etc. not jsut some church-mouse clinging to a bible, holding her thread-bare sweater over her shoulders, but now want this on top of everything else I have been looking for. DAMN I am getting pickier.




In the past I have been on match and have started by surfing the profiles looking at pics and tapping out greetings to those that I found instantly attractive, often not even reading, or only skimming a profile description in order to find some common ground by which to get a conversation started. This is sadly how most of the surfing is done. Remember bongo drums. What I got often was pretty girls who offered me nothing that I thought I was looking for(not all cases, many are still good friends), except for the ’benefit’ of being with them and being able to buy them things. I would often find and look for women who would love sex as much as I did, and sex being no less addicting to a man than crack to a dead beat dad living on the streets of Tacoma, I would scrounge and look for clue words in profiles that would hint at being able to get it sooner or easier. The clue words, I am guessing were not put their entirely on accident. I would imagine those profiles would get the most attention. Add Darwinian theory here, and if more invitations equals more success then this makes sense in some strange not useful way. I started every search with the noble intent of getting a real woman, but found myself slipping to the lowest common denominator each and every time. I don’t think I was bad, I was just a man being led by my….well manhood. Without a personal conviction, a moral compass or some really strong will power this path will be traveled over and over again even by nice guys.




What does this mean to you, assuming you are a woman and dating on match? Well if you are looking for a man and want to actually have a chance at a long lasting relationship, I can say only one thing. Don’t have sex… I can feel men’s collective penis’s wincing as I say that like a dog to a training whistle. I am not suggesting that you never have sex, or as my wonderful pastor would say, not until marriage, even though that might be a good way to go(just don’t think I could), but not in the first few dates at least. Don’t do it, and the reason is so complicated its as simple as a bongo drum. Let a man slip to the lowest common denominator and he will, its his manhood leading him to what is easy, and saying no, or finding that there is no "No", is exactly what it wants. However if while he is sweeping you off of your feet and trying to get them on either side of his head, you are sweeping him right back stimulating what is in his head and being firm with the other, you will force him, he wont do it on his own, to learn more about you. You will be forcing the hand here, ensuring that even if the relationship does not work, he will know you, know who you are and what are about. And if it does not work out I am guessing here, just guessing because it is not the same for me (a man), that you will feel less resentment having never given "it" up.




Even this time, online, with my most noble of intentions I am finding that I want very much to slip back to my old ways. Not bad ways necessarily, depending on whose moral platform you are comparing it to, but less successful ways for what I want. I want a challenge, and I want a woman who makes me wait even though I am banging my head against the wall begging for it, so that when I get it, I feel like it is a Kings treasure, not a wadded up five dollar bill found in the corner of the street. I think that there are a lot of men like me out there who have not even figured this out for themselves but you will be doing both them and you a favor by standing up, rather than laying down. I know you want it too, I know its hard (stop, that is not what I meant), I know that you have needs too, but unless that is all you want filled, don’t do it.




A man can be a good actor for only so long. He can keep giving you the ’buying’ signs, like speaking of meeting family, or traveling to visit your home town, or even looking for houses for only a certain amount of time. If this is what is keeping you in the sack it will continue until there is a point where the rubber has to meet the road, a point where you know the Truth will come out, and how often has it been not truth you were hoping for? It’s a point where you hear something about "not wanting a relationship, or not being ’ready’". This is the time of "The Talk". You see, at this point you have already given up the sex, invested emotionally and given sex a certain economic ’value’, and to him, it is not worth it anymore. It is time to go find someone new. At this point he has not invested himself in learning about you, has not had to so lets not blame him entirely, and the measure by which to make his decision is this: Is the sex and the nagging combined together worth moving into a more committed relationship rather than going out and finding someone new with new sex and no talk of commitment? Which would you choose?




Hold back a little longer and then the decision is much more complicated for him. Now he has "invested" in this arrangement by having to entertain and be entertained emotionally. He has to then give up someone that he actually likes, and has invested in by not moving forward. If you are under the assumption that a man invests by having sex, then you are fooling yourself. There is NO emotional investment in sex by a man. None. Hear that, none at all, not one bit. Not even the tiniest fraction of emotion Unless, and this is big, he has feelings already. Get the feelings, or get out. Cant get the feelings, cant get the time needed to get the feelings, get out. Sex and being willing to wait for it is YOUR ONLY LITMUS TEST as to his true motivations. Its all you have, so use it wisely. As was said to Spiderman when he donned his first spider suit by his father. And now said to all who have breasts. "To whom great power is given, great responsibility is required"