Families are perfect. (Ahem, Not)

We love our families for everything they offer us, their support, love, and mutual history. Family is for most of us, not all, everything that is important in the world and at the same time that which we spend the least amount of energy focusing on. The gift of life with them as opposed to life without them is temporary and probably if we look, taken for granted. The time we have with them while they are we are healthy is shorter than we expect because no one expects the unexpected. Tomorrows accident may involve someone you know, someone you love. Their flaws however are easy to focus on. A wonderful person who is loved by others, praised by many, who in your darkest hour would hold your hand, cry tears of compassion and give you a part of their own body can be reduced down to a few, or sometimes more, flaws that just rub us wrong. "Yes I love my brother but....". "My mom just drives me crazy" "My dad was not the most affectionate person in the world so I dont...". We all say these things. We then hang up the phone rush our kids to ballet, go grab a quarter pounder ("without cheese this time, trying to cut back, and make it a diet!") and worry about how we are going to pay our new Escalade payment, or worse still how we are going to go fill it up after the practice. "Damn! The new CSI is on tonight and I forgot my mom and dad are coming over for dinner!" Too bad I dont have Tivo. "Damn they bug the crap out of me, I so wish he/she would just..."
So the question is; If the most important people in the world to us are reduced to irritating flaws, how do we make the most of the time we have with them before they are gone?
At what point do we realize that our family members are just people? We have flaws, often we will say they are because of our parents, right? But our parents are no more flawed and are for reasons that started before even they were learning algebra. We wish so hard that they would just fix that, or say this, or just be more like this or that. You might hear yourself say; "I have given up on ever hearing..." But our pastor, professors, bosses, and friends are all deeply flawed on some level, many levels too. Odds are only their family has felt it, seen it up close enough to analyze. We are all messed up but we tend to spend time with the people who accept us the way we are, which can mean several things. It can mean they just live with our issues, or it can mean they are just very compatible with us in spite of our issues. Maybe a spouse has recently learned of a flaw in your charactor but loves you too much to think about ending things on that note alone but it does not mean you are perfect, no just loved and accepted. Our families however cannot be chosen, cherry picked. We get them the way they are even if their flaws are not compatible with ours, even if we or they cannot stand our issues. In life we can choose which person with which issue to love, with family its as random as 52 card pick-up. But who is most important? Our investment in energy should be directed at whom?
I have been told more than once that I was loved, that I was the best thing ever, and that I would be numero uno forever. I have heard " I will be your girl forever" more than just once, that I was the best man ever and we would be together forever, and yet not one of those people are in my life in any way more than a periphery role at all. Some I never hear from, and will never seen again. But through all of those comings and goings, all the perceived drama that shook me up so many times, my family was always there, with all of their 'flaws'. I would disappear investing energy and money in someone that later left and is investing their energy and money in someone else. But I can call one my family members right now, in between typing these words, or reading them, and tell them I need help, need support, need their energy, and I will get it if I really need it. Moreso if I have invested energy in that 'bank'. I can also tell them without fear of rejection that I love them and hear 'I love you too' back. Its a bond that transcends distance and time. "That is my brother, that is my son, that is my mother" Whatever the statement, even if its in hindsight through a loss. That was or is an important person to me, to us.
Each of us, for thousands of years have been trying to overcome the issues of our parents. Trying to compensate or change something in their behavior to get more out of life. Children living in stone houses under the rule of Caesar did the same thing. Their parents were just as, although different, 'screwed' up as ours are. They overcame the problems, or they didnt. They became parents themselves, like us, and tried to become someone better than their parents. Maybe even to marginalize them to keep their influence out, whatever. Our children, to some of us will seem screwed up, especially OTHER peoples children, but even to ourselves our kids can seem full of issues. Kids are people just like us and just like our parents and are feeling the same things towards you that you feel towards others. They want something they are not getting, not understanding something that is set in stone, not getting what is needed, just like us with our parents. If you feel like your parents on one side have issues and your kids on the other have issues its time to ask what of yourself....? Well if the shoe fits and I am sorry to break it to you, its snug! Its you. Or is it me? No its us. The question "what could I do better?" is a tough one to ask. It should be said quietly, while driving with the radio off for a few minutes of quiet to think without noise, or while sitting in the dark with your hands over your face wondering what has gone wrong. Maybe there is something we can do different, but maybe its just accepting flaws, overlooking them, smiling past them, and loving the person in spite of what seems broken.
My dad is a great man. He is well liked, respected by everyone who meets him, honest as the day is long, intelligent, well read and trustworthy. He is also handsome...Hmmm looks like me. smile. But he is flawed. He is not perfect and is not a perfect dad never has been and I am learning never will be. Who am I to judge though, am I perfect, no of course not. I just dont see all of my flaws yet, I can only see his, others.
Sometimes we foresee an event on the horizon that we hope might make the change we long for in another person. For me it was meeting my 'new' sister. It was a family get together with the newest family member.*
My dad and I, my sister and my dads' wife all decided to meet in AZ about a month after my sister found my dad, and then me, using a private investigator. She was adopted out years before I was born and was never mentioned. I had no idea there was a sister for me out there somewhere and the idea of my family getting larger was almost too much for me to handle. I loved the idea, loved it more than I love air while sitting at the bottom of the ocean. For me, it was familial love at first sight. I heard about her and loved her, would do anything to help her or her family. Instant change in my world, never to go back of my own accord. My world was different the moment I heard about her and although I did not want it any other way, it was also irreversable as far as I was concerned.
I grew up traveling as a Navy brat. We lived all over the place and rarely stayed anywhere longer than two, three or maybe four years. I was always the new kid in school, always trying to break into the groups and maybe you might remember me, as the one who was standing at the front of the class being introduced by the teacher as the 'new boy'. "Lets please make him feel welcome" the teacher would always say. The word welcome, to most of the bigger kids, was synonymous with 'wedgie' so that was what I got fairly regularly. Some of the kids who were not as bright thought it meant 'Swirly' so occasionally I got one of those too, but always corrected them afterwards.
I longed for a stable playmate, someone to share the moves with, the new schools with, and the quiet times at new homes with. Spreading my legos out on the new carpet of a house by myself always seemed a bit lonely. I made friends easily, became pretty good at it, and today I am who I am because of all of this, so since I like myself, I guess it all worked out, but now I see how close I was to having a sibling. An older sister. How close I was to having my dream come true and I found I have a bit of a bitter taste. Just a bit, most of my thoughts have been great and the opportunities as life continues with her are great, I do focus on them, but the what if's do surface and it takes mental effort not to make them my focus.
She was raised well, as well as anyone that is. Her father was successful, her mother was a bit of a drinker, who's wasn't, and she and her two adopted siblings both younger, a brother and a sister. They were all helped to be raised by their nanny who was just a great woman by all acounts. No one was perfect, but no one was terrible either. Just like everyone else. We all have good families, not all I suppose, but each have issues that vary in degree and condition. Comparing our two childhoods I expected on the surface when hearing about her, that if it were a contest I would win the "who had a better childhood" game. But if we put it all down on paper, and counted what each of us indivdually thought as most important, which does differ, I would say that hers was better. I never asked her what she would think, but I would expect she would say they were just different. Definately different. She wanted her dad, I wanted a big loving happy family. Its a tie.
So the big unanswered question left after she and I had spoken so many times on the phone after learning about each other was, how was He going to react. My dad, our dad. Well her biological father, not I would say technically her dad. The man who raised her, loved her her whole life and gave the best years to her is without a doubt the man who holds the honor of being called dad. But my dad is her biological father. What would he do? How was he going to react? I would mentally tally all of the 'faults' I knew about him, the way I was raised, the extreme lack of emotion brought into my world by him, and hoped beyond hope that having a second chance to right what was although not the worst choice, abortion I think here would have been the worst, still a hard choice, a choice with lifetime consequences. He made his choice and moved on but still he felt guilt for the action he took. Here is his chance to redeem this person, and settle the score. He knew how excited I was, and when asked, you always have to ask someone like him to get anything, would comment that he was very happy with all of this. Happy to hear that she is ok, that she was raised well, and happy to hear from her. Great I thought. What will happen when we put them together?
For me, the meeting was easy. There was no pressure at all. She and I just found out about each other, and clearly liked each other from all of our phone conversations and letters. Life could only go up from here. But for them this was sticky, complicated, and nerve rattleing. Each had, I suppose, different expectations of how this would play out. Each was hoping to come out of this with something that the other was not aware of. This is where things went wrong.
One of my dads biggest faults is his ability to communicate with emotions. This also shows up when he should be able to read another persons emotions and 'keep up' with the changes that are occuring. His emotions, are slow to change. Leave him alone in a chair with a book and he is happy as a clam in mud, tell him he made a mistake, he will apologize and try to correct it. Yell at him and he will finally bite back. But to see any of that coming ahead of time seems to be something he lacks, or maybe just doesnt care much to see. Its not the worst thing in the world, really, like I said he does not have a bad bone in his body, but it can be very frustrating when he misses what is the obvious to everyone else. Like laying a sign at his feet in 72pt Bold face type that says, I am sad and need a hug, suddenly he is dyslexic and reads it as a big happy face. Life is fine, go get something to eat, "want something?" He would add.
My sister came to this meeting with hopes. Probably not real clear hopes, this is a once in a lifetime experience after all, but hopes for sure. She hoped, maybe not expected, but hoped to hear that he was sorry, that he knew it was a mistake. That he would have taken it back if he could and had thought about it often. That life is better now with her back in his life. Hoped to hear that there was a solid reason why he had put her up for adoption. Maybe a hardship that could not be overcome, emotionally, financially, or anything really. This was not what she got.
It is his fault, but at the same time its the way he is, so hard to place blame. Hard to place blame on the one legged man for not keeping up in the race, hard to place blame on the blind woman for not following the well written directions. And its hard to place blame on a man who reads emotions as well as I read latin and then expect him to handle a very charged emotional situation with diplomatic sophisticaton. Its like a handicap. Where a soft blanket was needed, he would drop a brick and then stand back and admire how well it went.
He told her the reason he left her was just because he didnt want a baby, and that once she was gone, it closed the curtain. Did not think much about her after that, and never thought about finding her. Ouch. All that may have been true, but truth can be worded gentler. Should have been thought through better. Men do that. I bet you, if you are female, have heard of a man leaving a child and never returning, it happens. Men dont have the connection that women do to their newborn babies. That takes time. But does this make it right to say so to the daughter who flew to see you at your invitation. Hell no. How hard is it to, like in a game of chess think one move ahead? If I say 'this' then I would expect her to feel 'this'. Its not hard.
Although everyone got along well, and we all learned alot about each other, she never felt welcomed by him. Never felt 'good' about the experience. Felt some of the things he said out of 'honesty' were hurtful, stinging. This dissapointed me greatly. Here was the foreseen opportunity I saw that might change him. I saw it coming, knew emotions would be involved, hoped there would be a change that would be visible. Even hoped that maybe I would get some of the benefit, but there was nothing. I could not tell the difference between the way he treated her and the the way he treats a guest in his house. A guest he genuinly likes, but still a guest. Honestly he treated her like he has always treated me and that is not par for this course. Not even close. He dissapointed me, dissapointed her, and might have lost a great opportunity.
People are who they are. Family is who they are, flaws and all. They are just people. Nothing he did was intentional it was as natural as a fart. The actions he took were brewed back when he was young. My (our) grandparents are as much to blame as he is, and for that matter so are their parents and their parents. This is who he is, for better or for worse. He is a good man, who has flaws. This flaw is never seen by other, never shown to friends because they dont dig that deep, dont spend the time with him for them to emerge. Dont feel the emotions that could help to reveal them. People in general really like him, and rightly so. I see the flaws however up close, like the cracks in my broken glasses. They have always been there. Now another person, has been hurt by them, has seen them too. This is not just dissapointing its embarrasing. He just was not up to this task and it was dissapointing. I had hoped for more than was possible. However the door was opened, that is the good, life goes on and who knows what the future holds. They may never speak again, or one day they may finally hug like a father and daughter. Wouldnt that be beautiful?
We cannot change others, stop trying if you are. You wont change a key feature of your spouse, your child, your parents or your friends. They are who they are, and no amount of talking will change them. We can only change ourselves to help us be more comfortable around them. Give ourselves the ability to decide who we want in our lives and who we dont. But we have to change ouselves, that is in our power. Remember, we have flaws too. Others see them better than we do. Some accept them, and some dont. Those who dont are gone already. Family is worth more. They will be here till one or the other dies. Their flaws are what have made us who we are, they have given each of us advantages because of our ability to compensate for their flaws. I grew up to be who I am, independant, strong, full of integrity, and very tuned into others emotions because of him. My family gets more attention, by far, than they would had I been raised by another man. To them its a positive. My sister is smart, god she is smart, tough and independant. To her family, her gorgeous children they see her as great. To her family her traits are a postive. To my sister and I it was because of a flaw. I guess it all depends on where you start looking from.