Has the Boy been replaced by the man, or the Dude with the Pussy?

Has the boy been replaced by the man, or the Dude with the Pussy?

I am not sure at what point I began looking at those of the opposite sex as simply people. Not sure when it happened, where, why or how. It just seemed to be that one day I noticed an attractive woman for who she was rather than just how she looked and it scared me. I realized that she was a person, just like everyone else, with wants needs, desires and issues. Not just speaking of the regular dating issues, but rather life issues. I saw her for not just who she was but also as I watched her, now with new eyes, for whom she might be. My mind went out of control a bit and I started seeing her how she might be as a partner, as a potential friend, or confidant and as crazy as it all was I found that I was not interested anymore. And for that reason alone I worried myself. Was I thinking too much about something that should be simple? Or was I finally looking past the veil to what is really important?

Time is the part of the puzzle that I had left out of this particular puzzle. I had not spent enough time to determine any of those qualities yet still I am making myself wonder. There is no free lunch. There is no one who brings us what we want without asking for at least as much in return, needing as much in return. There is no person who is simply attractive and will be our possession simply for the sake of being together (excluding aged millionaires and models) No person that can be a possession for any reason. And that brought me to my last question. A question I have never asked before as a single man. How much am I willing to offer up and what do I want in return?

For some reason that I have yet to put my finger on I have stopped simply desiring beauty. Not that I have started to desire ugly, but suddenly I have more requirements on my list before I will expend any energy towards a person. It's possibly the beginning of a neurosis that I see so many roadblocks between myself and another person and have no desire for anything superficial at all. Damn, I hardly recognize myself. Getting laid seems to be near the bottom of my list and for a heterosexual man that is confusing as hell. Why don't I want to meet a random person at a bar, convince them as quickly as possible that I am one of two people; first being, a sexual fulfillment for them, and the second being a potential mate (true or not), in order to get them to come home with me that night. It seems like so much effort for so little gain. In that scenario I would find myself acting out a role, and responding possibly to another person acting out a role as well. Like two Finches courting each other only to fly off in opposite directions once it's over. Why can't I be a finch again?

I have begun to sound like my women friends in that I want to be surprised and blown away by a woman before beginning any physical chase. Rather than chasing the physical and then being surprised later on. That has happened in the past, but now with my brain acting the way it is, I feel that is backwards. Yikes, I have to check to see if my penis has dropped off somewhere along the way. Is there a testosterone test I can take?

At no time have I stopped ogling attractive women, flirting from a distance or noticing what they volunteer to show, but if I don't see a long term reason to go out a second time aside for the possibility of getting 'some', I won't even ask to come upstairs, wont try to pretend to like them more than I do. Only if there is a physical attraction when together with surprising qualities in conversation will I attempt to pursue and if asked to wait at that point for sex, I would happily do so…for as long as asked. The sex has suddenly begun to cum errrr….come second. Is there a vaccine for what I have? Oh to stumble around in the dark again, to chase blindly and be led by my more intelligent brain, the one down below again. Decisions were so much simpler. Thoughts so much less confusing.

I have found myself, recently, at a bar, restaurant or on a set up date, blind or online, actually trying to learn something about the woman, trying to drive a conversation with her. What is up with that? Not only is it odd, but its not paying dividends either. Hard to stop because its what I want, who I am now, but still it seems to be not what many women are looking for. There seems to be, and I think I used to understand it, a language for speaking to women who are out to have fun and it's not about their life, career or family. I think, if I remember right finding out where they live is first and foremost in importance, to gauge how long it would take to get there that night, or whether or not you will have to share with your roommate the apartment. Next it's about where they like to party, and if they want to party now, and maybe "lets party" said real loudly…Am I getting it? Do I remember this conversation well? There might be a question about where they work just to grease the wheels a bit, but come on. Do you really care? Hell no. I am now what I would have to say is a kill-buzz. A conversationalist. Ugh. I bore myself.

I want very badly to poke fun at these other people, and their short attention spans and goals, but I won't, and you shouldn't either. Unless you were really, really ugly you went through this too, and could possibly do it again if supplied with enough liquor, so live and let live. It's hard to let go of that lifestyle, at least for me, but necessary to move on to the next stage. I am not twenty anymore, nor thirty, and my goals and priorities have changed. But still I was there, and those that follow are different from me only in measure of time, nothing more. Most will grow out of it, some won't, and you know who they are, but still. Let it go.

Right now I find myself a bit jealous of those who are close to my age and still thriving in this environment. It's an emotional jealousy not a logical one. I remember the fun of the 'chase', the excitement of a new person out of nowhere losing clothes in front of me. And, since I am not gay, still hope that will happen, but it's not what I am searching out. And since I am not looking for it, it does not show itself often. That's okay. I am okay with that. I will continue to enjoy life while waiting for the person who doesn't mind a chat. Doesn't mind sharing and learning a bit. There is no longer a hurry. Why there isn't I can't really say either, but there isn't.

I remember clearly the desire, the obsession with having someone at my side, someone beautiful, and I cant say that is entirely gone, but now I find that a Friday night is a good time to sit and catch up on email, write an article, or see a movie (by myself sometimes). It no longer seems like a waste of time to spend time with guys just because they weren't girls. Now having fun with friends, and accomplishing personal goals have become higher priorities than getting a mate. Having a girlfriend is no longer important, enjoying life, enjoying myself are.