I wonder if I think too much. Now that I think about it, I wonder if we all think too much. I find that I can spend just about any amount of time doing any number of things, from work, to naps and everything in between and feel great. I will get home from a productive day working my business to a happy dog who wants to go for a run, or a gym full of people that are happy to see me, who trade sweat with me by giving me hi-fives as I pass them. I come home to a quiet house, turn on the TV for noise, make some dinner for myself, and relax till its time to go to bed. Often I climb into bed, pull the cool sheets up over my shoulder as a breeze blows in through the open window, and sigh. I sigh because I feel so great. I feel so lucky to have what I have. I actually feel guilty if I find myself wanting for more because I have so much. There is no aspect of my life that I would trade with any other person. I mean what would I really be willing to give up?
The woman who has most influenced me so far in life was the one I was engaged to several years ago. I don't so much miss her, as the feeling I had at the time I was with her. But her actions, her choices separated us, and changed me. She owns a small, but very comfortable place near Carmel Ca that I think is just about the most beautiful and comfortable places on the planet. I imagine if God were to step down and try to find comfort, this is where he/she would choose to live. Consistently ten degrees warmer than Seattle and considerably less rain and clouds makes it perfect for people who want to wear less rather than more. It's smaller than Seattle so the 'feel' is more like one of the cute suburbs to Seattle than Seattle proper in that there is no night life but lots to do. It sits right on the ocean always has a nice breeze, and everyone lives in Flip-flops and shorts. Jackets and coats are usually covered dust by the time anyone needs them and windows are always open so you can hear the wind chimes jingling outside. I fell in love with not only her, but also her lifestyle. Every time I went I slipped into what felt like a perfect bath, not too hot, not too cold, but just right. Everything felt just right.
While we were dating I would fly down once a month and she would fly up once, so every two weeks we would have a long weekend together which was nice. One weekend up here, and this occurred during the summer so there was always something nice to do, and the other would be down there, where there may be less to do, but there was the comfort of the slow pace, nice people and incredible views and weather. Each time I flew down though I had to sacrifice at least one afternoon with my kids, which always give me a funny feeling in my stomach. I was trading time with them for time with her. The excitement of the new relationship, the many possibilities open to the future and the feeling of being on vacation each time I flew out helped me to push those feelings down, but there was always a touch of bile in my throat knowing that what I was doing was not so much wrong, as just not entirely right. I was trading some of the time allotted to me to be with my kids to be with her, and at the time I gladly gave it up. But, the more time I spent down there, helping with projects around her house, investing time meeting her neighbors, friends and family, the more I realized that that was not home, investing time where it would pay dividends. Home is where? You know the answer; it's where the heart is. Always will be. But knowing where your heart is, is not always easy. It's not on a map, and our heart is not always clear about letting us know up front what it truly wants or needs, in fact I think it speaks too softly sometimes about long term issues and too boisterously about short term ones, but Hell there nothing anyone can do about that.
In the end, she moved to Seattle and things had deteriorated incredibly quickly, as forces outside our control hammered us with pressure and issues until finally she decided that Seattle was not going to work for her. Professionally her work contacts were all in Ca, she was starving and struggling to get work, the weather was killing her mentally because fall and winter had set in, and family matters both here and there, were just too much to deal with. I, of course, was heartbroken when she told me that she had to go but am not the type to beg, I allow adults to choose what they want. But, and this is my point, she gave me one last option before leaving forever. She asked me to move with her back to Heaven to live, and then she would help to make it possible for me to visit my kids every other weekend, pretty much like I had done with her up to that point.
I was given the choice; keep the woman of my dreams(up to that point), live in the city of my dreams(still), but be a visitor to my kids life, or lose her and everything that came with her that I loved, to be the father who raises my kids rather than just visits. I made the choice through tears that I would not be going with her. I would raise my kids, not just visit them. Goodbye forever. We have not spoken since and I expect never will.
Today that is, as I lay in bed, what I consider to be my greatest decision. Not because I have anything at all bad to say about her, I don't, but because now I see how the tragedy would have continued had I done what would have felt good at the time. I decided that my family was one thing I was not willing to trade. No amount of money, no person whoever they may be, no opportunity is worth, in my opinion, giving up the ability to be loved and to love children. The time with them is short, by ten or so the great Christmases are over because the magic is gone, the 'trick or treating' is over because its not 'cool' anymore, and the time sitting on laps with arms around necks is forever gone. After that there is a downhill slide, although not all bad, through the teenage years, and then they find adulthood themselves. Such a short time. Is it a good idea to trade some of that for a companion? Is there ever a situation in which you could imagine where it would be a good decision to sacrifice some of that time to get something else, whatever it might be? I don't know the answer to that, I can't speak for you. But for me, the answer is no. There is nothing. The Sultan of Brunei has nothing to offer me, Angelina Jolie has nothing to offer me, the President of the United States, well bad example because I already know how to read nursery rhymes, has nothing to offer me in trade. I lay in bed at night and although I have things that I am wanting, have goals like everyone, have desires and needs and things that I miss. I know that I sacrificed that which I wanted more than anything at the time in the whole world, for that which really was the most important thing, and made a good decision. Now I know where my priorities are. Mine were tested, and I feel I chose wisely. I found out what I would be willing to give up and what I was absolutely not willing to give up.
So this finds me and so many others in the odd position of feeling lonely during holidays. My great life, the one I cherish and thank god for daily, is one which hurts when I find no one around me during 'time off' during special days, or days that would be special if there were love around. I think the daily routine, work, hobbies, play etc., all keep us busy enough that we don't feel we need anything else, or anyone else. I think dating to Not be single is short sighted trade that does not make sense for the long term. It feels right at the time, but so often causes more disruption that it should because so often the dating is not begun by a desire to share what we have, but a desire to have more. More of what someone else might bring to our table. What I mean is, if we feel lonely and date to stop feeling lonely we are just entertaining ourselves and trading time, this for that. If we date because we feel financially insufficient we sacrifice something in each situation, what it is only you will know but something for sure. We desire to have someone, anyone as long as there is attention. But if we date only after meeting someone that we find we want to share ourselves with, the self that is already complete even when alone, the self that does not need, but rather wants, we trade nothing. We give up nothing, and gain everything. You give up nothing, they give up nothing, and both gain each other. Does this mean that there is a problem with someone who dates regularly or for fun? No, it doesn't, timing is everything for everyone, and sometimes dating for the sake of dating is exactly what we want and what we need.
For me, loneliness only hits during holidays, and to make that feeling go away alone I am not willing to sacrifice what I want for my life long term. I won't choose a short term fix when there is no long term solution. I will just try to keep myself busy during those times, invest my time and energy where I know it will be appreciated and try not to think about it when it hurts. Just simply try not to think too much. Is that okay?
The woman who has most influenced me so far in life was the one I was engaged to several years ago. I don't so much miss her, as the feeling I had at the time I was with her. But her actions, her choices separated us, and changed me. She owns a small, but very comfortable place near Carmel Ca that I think is just about the most beautiful and comfortable places on the planet. I imagine if God were to step down and try to find comfort, this is where he/she would choose to live. Consistently ten degrees warmer than Seattle and considerably less rain and clouds makes it perfect for people who want to wear less rather than more. It's smaller than Seattle so the 'feel' is more like one of the cute suburbs to Seattle than Seattle proper in that there is no night life but lots to do. It sits right on the ocean always has a nice breeze, and everyone lives in Flip-flops and shorts. Jackets and coats are usually covered dust by the time anyone needs them and windows are always open so you can hear the wind chimes jingling outside. I fell in love with not only her, but also her lifestyle. Every time I went I slipped into what felt like a perfect bath, not too hot, not too cold, but just right. Everything felt just right.
While we were dating I would fly down once a month and she would fly up once, so every two weeks we would have a long weekend together which was nice. One weekend up here, and this occurred during the summer so there was always something nice to do, and the other would be down there, where there may be less to do, but there was the comfort of the slow pace, nice people and incredible views and weather. Each time I flew down though I had to sacrifice at least one afternoon with my kids, which always give me a funny feeling in my stomach. I was trading time with them for time with her. The excitement of the new relationship, the many possibilities open to the future and the feeling of being on vacation each time I flew out helped me to push those feelings down, but there was always a touch of bile in my throat knowing that what I was doing was not so much wrong, as just not entirely right. I was trading some of the time allotted to me to be with my kids to be with her, and at the time I gladly gave it up. But, the more time I spent down there, helping with projects around her house, investing time meeting her neighbors, friends and family, the more I realized that that was not home, investing time where it would pay dividends. Home is where? You know the answer; it's where the heart is. Always will be. But knowing where your heart is, is not always easy. It's not on a map, and our heart is not always clear about letting us know up front what it truly wants or needs, in fact I think it speaks too softly sometimes about long term issues and too boisterously about short term ones, but Hell there nothing anyone can do about that.
In the end, she moved to Seattle and things had deteriorated incredibly quickly, as forces outside our control hammered us with pressure and issues until finally she decided that Seattle was not going to work for her. Professionally her work contacts were all in Ca, she was starving and struggling to get work, the weather was killing her mentally because fall and winter had set in, and family matters both here and there, were just too much to deal with. I, of course, was heartbroken when she told me that she had to go but am not the type to beg, I allow adults to choose what they want. But, and this is my point, she gave me one last option before leaving forever. She asked me to move with her back to Heaven to live, and then she would help to make it possible for me to visit my kids every other weekend, pretty much like I had done with her up to that point.
I was given the choice; keep the woman of my dreams(up to that point), live in the city of my dreams(still), but be a visitor to my kids life, or lose her and everything that came with her that I loved, to be the father who raises my kids rather than just visits. I made the choice through tears that I would not be going with her. I would raise my kids, not just visit them. Goodbye forever. We have not spoken since and I expect never will.
Today that is, as I lay in bed, what I consider to be my greatest decision. Not because I have anything at all bad to say about her, I don't, but because now I see how the tragedy would have continued had I done what would have felt good at the time. I decided that my family was one thing I was not willing to trade. No amount of money, no person whoever they may be, no opportunity is worth, in my opinion, giving up the ability to be loved and to love children. The time with them is short, by ten or so the great Christmases are over because the magic is gone, the 'trick or treating' is over because its not 'cool' anymore, and the time sitting on laps with arms around necks is forever gone. After that there is a downhill slide, although not all bad, through the teenage years, and then they find adulthood themselves. Such a short time. Is it a good idea to trade some of that for a companion? Is there ever a situation in which you could imagine where it would be a good decision to sacrifice some of that time to get something else, whatever it might be? I don't know the answer to that, I can't speak for you. But for me, the answer is no. There is nothing. The Sultan of Brunei has nothing to offer me, Angelina Jolie has nothing to offer me, the President of the United States, well bad example because I already know how to read nursery rhymes, has nothing to offer me in trade. I lay in bed at night and although I have things that I am wanting, have goals like everyone, have desires and needs and things that I miss. I know that I sacrificed that which I wanted more than anything at the time in the whole world, for that which really was the most important thing, and made a good decision. Now I know where my priorities are. Mine were tested, and I feel I chose wisely. I found out what I would be willing to give up and what I was absolutely not willing to give up.
So this finds me and so many others in the odd position of feeling lonely during holidays. My great life, the one I cherish and thank god for daily, is one which hurts when I find no one around me during 'time off' during special days, or days that would be special if there were love around. I think the daily routine, work, hobbies, play etc., all keep us busy enough that we don't feel we need anything else, or anyone else. I think dating to Not be single is short sighted trade that does not make sense for the long term. It feels right at the time, but so often causes more disruption that it should because so often the dating is not begun by a desire to share what we have, but a desire to have more. More of what someone else might bring to our table. What I mean is, if we feel lonely and date to stop feeling lonely we are just entertaining ourselves and trading time, this for that. If we date because we feel financially insufficient we sacrifice something in each situation, what it is only you will know but something for sure. We desire to have someone, anyone as long as there is attention. But if we date only after meeting someone that we find we want to share ourselves with, the self that is already complete even when alone, the self that does not need, but rather wants, we trade nothing. We give up nothing, and gain everything. You give up nothing, they give up nothing, and both gain each other. Does this mean that there is a problem with someone who dates regularly or for fun? No, it doesn't, timing is everything for everyone, and sometimes dating for the sake of dating is exactly what we want and what we need.
For me, loneliness only hits during holidays, and to make that feeling go away alone I am not willing to sacrifice what I want for my life long term. I won't choose a short term fix when there is no long term solution. I will just try to keep myself busy during those times, invest my time and energy where I know it will be appreciated and try not to think about it when it hurts. Just simply try not to think too much. Is that okay?
No comments:
Post a Comment