Mars and Venus...No. Men are stupid, women are Nuts

To say that there are a few things that men don't 'get' is a bit like saying gonorrhea is irritating. Its just does not capture the magnitude of the reality or convey it properly. We don't. And the worst part is, for those of us who don't have the extra X chromosome our gay brethren have, we never will. The apparent sheer weight of the information that we don't get would be enough to stop a team of Clydesdales in their tracks running downhill. It would be too easy for you to start listing some of these items so don't. I won't remember tomorrow anyway. But on the many occasions I have had my eyebrows blown off by a woman's wrath; I have heard a few of them and managed to memorize them by writing them on the back of my hand with my own blood. In fact you may find this surprising but I, and most men, find profound joy in hearing something from a woman and realizing that what she just said was bothering her was something we could actually do something about…if we could just remember it. If I could just hold that thought even when my Team is up by one with two minutes to go (which does not count for anything in the realm of Women), or remember it when all I have thought about all day long before coming home from work was my hammock and a beer. These are the times when multi-tasking would be an asset. I could do both then couldn't I? I could enjoy my beer and my game and at the same time be doing whatever it was that I really should have been doing to keep my house from going through the sudden climate change to sub-arctic with her glare.

You see knowledge is not necessarily what we as men lack, although that may be arguable, it's the noticing part, the remembering part, and the multi-tasking parts of the brain that are simply not available to us. Or don't exist. Honestly, most men do not like living with dirt on the kitchen or bathroom floor, we dont strive for it, but we have a higher threshold for dirt than most women, so we don't notice as soon as you do. We don't necessarily like having neighbors make fun of us and our lawns or the fact that the dandelions from our yard are seeding the western half of the neighborhood, but our tolerance level is set a bit higher than most women. We don't really want to wear smelly, dirty clothes but those are relative terms and so if we can't see the dirt, which we already determined is a failing of ours, and can't smell our own scent, then its clean enough. You see if we truly did not care about our clothes, we would not sniff them at all. That shows caring, right?

Is it fair for you to assume that by taking one of our kind in and making a mutual habitation agreement, that we will suddenly stop being the man we have been the whole time? Would that be a reasonable thought? Not to a man. A man realizes that by sharing a residence with a woman, she will continue to enjoy hideous colors on the walls, maybe even flowers or dolphins. That you will continue to enjoy things that smell bad to us, like potpourri and lilac candles. We don't expect for women in any way to change what we fell for in the beginning. There is a common understanding that what we see is what we get.

Is this the same understanding given to men by their female counter parts, that what you see, what you have known and fallen for is exactly what you are going to get….maybe forever? Does it make logical sense, and I realize that logic is to women what multi-tasking is to men. But using logic does it make sense that once we move in together men should start acting like women, but women keep acting like women? That men should stop expressing the very masculine traits that attracted their new partner to them in the first place? To cease, in many way, being male? Doesn't that seem then that two females are then living together? Would that make you a lesbian then, without the sex? Should it be necessary then for the man to emasculate himself to keep the woman content? To stop leaving underwear on the floor with the two leg holes still visible? To stop making or even laughing at humor related to loose bowels? Is this just sexual manipulation by females to make their men less attractive to other women by covering them with doilies, lace curtains, and the smell of vanilla? Metaphorically urinating on them to mark them. Is this what we have become to you? Pack mules, tools to be used in only two main arenas, parallel parking and toilet drip fixing? Is a man asked for advice on changing esthetics in the home, or around it? Is a man asked to help purchase furniture, kitchen appliances, or wall art? No, men are used and placated like objects.

Like the most cunning, ruthless and successful Generals in history, women seem to know at a genetic level how to conquer the most real estate with the fewest number of skirmishes. A small sacrifice of square footage in the house to the man to call his own, in return for ownership of the rest. Maybe a garage or small room with no windows, possibly a large only partially used walk-in closet. Women know it does not take much to keep a man appeased. Just a small piece of real estate for him to be King in, and she will be Rule the rest. Sex just often enough to keep his penis from shriveling and falling off like the umbilical cord from a two week old baby.

Sadly we understand this going in and without our fathers needing to tell us or their fathers them, almost as if it is instinctual. We know that the house is the realm of the woman. We are visitors at best. Still, all this being said, we need you. Need you to make us feel like a man though we are emasculated. We need to be the head of a family, even though we are not in control. Need to be kept busy in order to feel at peace and have joy.

In physics it is well understood that if any number in any equation, relating to the universe, were off by even one tenth of one percent, everything would cease to exist. We would not even be here to comment on how things were going to hell because we would not have been in an environment that would have allowed us to get started. Everything has to be in perfect, and I mean perfect balance. I think this works for men and women. I dont know, maybe there is some intelligence behind the design.