Whats in a mans head...Relationships, Sex, Love...

How to date your soul mate

2008-04-16T15:53:00.000-07:00

Can your state of mind, the way that you think about yourself affect the outcome of an upcoming relationship? Does the way you think about yourself matter at all? This might be an important question to know the answer to. If your mental state of mind can affect whether or not you are successful, however you define success in your relationships, then shouldn't you pay a lot of attention to it? Past relationships that have not gone as you would have liked may be related more to your state of mind than whether or not the offending parties were jerks. Your state of mind about yourself may actually influence the type of man you are choosing. Ever heard someone say "Your picker is broken"?

Everyone has heard of, even if they don't have one themselves, a Game-face, or maybe a Poker-face. Certain sports and activities require a presence of mind for success and some people show it more than others on their faces, right? Look at the faces of football or basketball players just before a championship game and what will you see? It's easy to imagine even if you have never seen it. Faces that are expressionless, eyes determined, lips tight. You would find the locker room quiet allowing personal introspection, and concentration so that each can think through the mechanics that will be required come game time. Each suppressing fear and anxiety in their own way, putting past successes and failures out of their minds. None of which make any difference now. All that matters is the now, the present. Not what kinds of cars they drive, what kinds of houses they live in or whether or not their significant other is with them, or has left them. Casual conversation would never be heard here. No conversations about trips to Maui, or trouble at home. The concentration would be intense, palpable even. So this leads us to the question, if some people take a game this seriously, whatever the game and whatever the stakes, why don't we put this much preparation into readying ourselves for our next life partner?

For you to be ready for the man of your dreams there are certain preparations that you need to make. Soul-mates don't fall out of the sky often, so when he does make an unexpected appearance it makes sense to make yourself ready, doesn't it? If there were a few routine maintenance items you could put yourself through to get ready, to increase your chances that he would feel the same way about you, wouldn't you do it? If all you had to do was stop by the shop for a tune up, maybe a waxing, a manicure and a perm, wouldn't you do it? Of course you would. If only those things really mattered to a soul-mate. Sadly they don't however, those physical things matter most to someone destined to waste your time not to someone who will love you forever regardless of how you look.

I am one that subscribes to the belief that the planet does not just hold one soul-mate for each of us, but rather many who are evenly spread across the globe. The fact that you have met one by this time in your life should tell you that yes they exist, but since you have only met one or maybe two true loves you also need to accept that they are rare. More rare than perfect diamonds. The belief that there is only one Soul-Mate in the Universe for each person is a very dismal one, and just not accurate. This theory says that if you blow it with that person, you are shit out of luck, or at best you will need to wait another twenty years to meet the next one. Soul mates are rare, no question, and when we find one we should do our best to make a place in our lives for them, but another could be walking down the stairs in the building to your left right now. Could be getting a coffee at a café in Paris, or running a business in Boston. They are all around us, but evenly spread. Being ready for one, if this is your goal, is critical because you just don't know where the next "click" will come from, and if it comes and goes because you were not ready, how will you feel at your next girlfriends wedding reception?

Preparing yourself for a soul mate is simple, but not easy. Simple because you don't have to do very much, just be. Not easy, because just "just being" is harder than it sounds. There is absolute truth to the statement that meeting your soul mate will change your life, but, and this is so important for you to think about, this person will not make you a better person, nor give you a better life. On the surface that sounds like a Duh statement, but it isn't. You probably have a belief that you would be happier in life with your soul mate, that your loneliness would end, and you could really begin the life you have dreamed of. Maybe he will be handsome (another duh statement), funny, or well off. Maybe you picture not having to deal with all of your stuff alone anymore. Dealing with house/apartment repairs, car issues, kids, or a boss alone is not fun, and each time a new situation comes up the thought that if you were in a relationship this problem would be easier will arise in the back of your head. This is all true and absolutely false at the exact same time. Certain problems will become easier to deal with, maybe going to sleep at night, or planning your weekends another but unfortunately you will still be you. Given some time to settle into the relationship, if you were not really ready, your old fears, insecurities and discomforts will rise back up. Have you ever felt completely alone while sharing the bed of your partner, the one who at one time was all consuming? Of course you have. We all come into this world alone and exit it the same way. Sharing our life with someone is great, but does not change the fact that we need to work on ourselves as adults to find the peace that will bring harmony because no one else will. You are on your own no matter who you are with. Partners will help each other out, but the weaker of the two is always the downfall. If you are not ready, if you have not become completely at peace with yourself, you will un-wittingly be the downfall even while you blame him.

Here is the test to see if you are ready to meet your Soul-Mate. You have just met the man that knocks your socks off. He is fantastic, everything you have ever pictured in your mind about how he should look, talk, act and treat you is there. There are no red flags at all. You feel so special being the one he is with, and can't wait to share the news about what he does with your friends. He seems to feel the same way about you, but after a week you hear nothing back. How do you feel? Its natural to feel down that you got your hopes up, but being proud of who he is enough to want to share it, shows you are looking for something to complete you. If you even think about how much you like it that he is a doctor, lawyer, or business owner. Find even the smallest shred of pride in knowing that you are the one with him and others wish they were, you are failing yourself. You are displaying a shallowness that will be your un-doing. He may be ready for a true love, but you are not. You will be the cause of the fall of this scenario. Eventually, because you felt pride, you will feel worry, or jealousy. You will feel fear of loss. Yet were you completely at peace with yourself, alone and in who you are, you would not have felt a rise in stature because of him, so you will feel no drop when he goes. This confidence, which brings peace will aid you in nurturing the relationship past the rocky points, and not falling victim to the irrational fears that come from insecurity.

You are You, an individual in this world no matter who may come into your life, who leaves it, what you have gained or what you have lost. Were your brand new car to be stolen tomorrow would that leave you any less of the person your friends and family love? No, a little poorer likely but the same person still, no different than the day before. If you were to win the lotto, would this change your soul in the least bit? Would you feel more at peace with your life, your emotions, or your desires than you do today? No, of course not. There will be a brief change in mood until you become accustom to the new level of financial freedom, however big or small it may be, but you will find yourself back in bed alone someday shortly after, staring at the ceiling wondering how you have made such a mess of things again. Rather than the money you just won, you can take that fact to the bank. You are the only common denominator in all of this. You. You are the one who accepts dates from men whom you realize probably are not your dream man because you are lonely or feel like you need some attention you go. You are the one who sleeps with them because you are either horny ( I understand, believe me), or feel that he will leave if you stop. He will. Try it. You are the one who is afraid to be alone, afraid to not be wanted to not be desired. Could you be comfortable not being wanted by anyone for a month, how about a year? Can you imagine what that would feel like? Aside from family and friends, if you could drop the desire, and the need to be wanted, would you have more or less power in your life? More or less security?

Your friends are themselves versions of you dealing with the same issues you are, but to them it's personal for them. You see glimpse of them when they share their thoughts, fears, insecurities and offer advice as best you can, and you do it to them as well. All of you running around like mice in a maze trying to ask each other how to get out over and over, year after year. This is about you. It's all about you. You can change only by looking inside yourself, making peace with what you see, loving yourself, loving your friends, and family and making a life that does not need anyone in it to be full. Soul-Mates are like Jell-O after all, there is always room. Make a decision to change what you are doing to have any chance of getting different results.

When you decide that you are ready to stop playing the games of dating, stop playing for sex, fun, or gifts (this is for men too), then its time for you to turn off all input from men who are not 'Growing old together" material. Break up permanently with every guy you keep stringing along because you like the way he makes you feel, or the trip he will take you on, the concert he can get you into or the booty call you sometimes need. End all casual sexual relationships with finality. Then quietly, and alone (this is the hard part), walk into the locker room and find your game face. Make peace, with being alone, until you are comfortable with it for long periods of time. Long enough that you begin to wonder if someone could even fit with you anymore you have become so used to being alone. Don't lie to yourself and believe that being alone for a week or two counts as grasping the nature of being comfortable with yourself. It doesn't. If you are 'talking' with anyone via the internet, texts, across state lines whatever, you are not working on being alone. If a man still wants you, but is not the Soul-Mate you are looking for end it. He is a distraction to your being able to grow. A distraction to working on how to be alone and not lonely. When you find this peace you wont be lonely on a Friday night. Of course you can go out with friends, don't become a hermit, but focus on them, not on those looking to steal your energy. If you are still hoping to be asked out, you are not there. If you are on a dating site, you are not there. And if you are flirting at the bar with some guy who you know nothing about you are not there. Sure there are exceptions to the rule, but you are probably not one of them. Be honest with yourself. Patience, clarity of desire and strength of conviction comes from the comfort of knowing you are okay alone. It's not torture once you arrive, only at first, then its peace, and strength. No longer will your heart be bent by the words of a man who desires you, but not You. Your compass, moral or otherwise will point you in a particular direction, and you will see it clearly. Your true needs, true life's desires will become clear and will come to you, not the other way around. What you really want, what you really desire in a partner will hit you one day while you are alone and have no prospects on the horizon. At that moment you will be ready for him. You will know exactly what you want, others will have nothing to offer and will seem silly, your heart will be strong and you will be courageous, Best of all, if you meet the one you believe to be him, and he is not ready for, you will walk away knowing that you are okay, no less for it, and will have exactly the same amount of optimism as you had going in. You will know that walking down the stairs in the building to your left may be the next one, who will fill just as many of your desires as the last but in a whole new way. You will find peace.

How to Date a Man, Sex, and Spidermans Suit

2008-04-01T14:01:00.001-07:00

I was once asked, in jest, how I would sum up the differences between men and women. One author wrote that Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus, but that to me, only tells the reader that he recognizes a difference, and hopes to explain it through observations. It is true though, that only women are from Venus, because only a woman could survive there. My response however was that women are like a finely tuned piano. Many different keys to press, different buttons that do different things, and when pressed in different orders give different results. This analogy goes past emotional to the physical as well, so enjoy the conversation starter over your next martini. It takes years to master a piano, and that is only if the person trying is spending hours each day studying it/her. To make matters worse, some pianos are built differently than others, some are in better tune than others, and really when you first sit down at one, even a master, which I am certainly not, will have no idea what will happen when a particular button is pressed, much less two or three in quick succession. It is a complicated instrument that takes a lifetime to understand, appreciate and master. Years of cramping fingers, and crossed eyes studying the various chords that can be played by pressing keys in different orders.

A man, however, and sadly I might add, is built exactly like a Bongo drum. Again, emotionally and physically. Not a drum set, with cymbals, a foot control and multiple skins, no. A single bongo drum. Anyone can play a bongo drum and make it sound exactly like it is supposed to sound. Any female can walk past one in the living room and start tapping on it, and yes that is what anyone on the planet would expect a Bongo drum to sound like. Even a cat dropping down from a higher shelf using it as nothing more than a step stool can make that drum sound just right. It just is not that complicated. True, some can make that same bongo sound like a Tahitian night with fire dancers prancing around with the smell of a pig roasting over an open pit, but really men are pretty simple. So why the confusion? Why, if women are the superior gender, the owners of the evolutionarily advanced X chromosome, are men such a mystery? Are our thoughts just that different?

I signed up, again, for Match.com 48 hours ago and thought I would share my thoughts on how I felt, feel, and what I expect. There seems to be some confusion among women, as I skim profiles, or answer letters, as to what a guy is thinking while on the site. Being a man, it seems about as simple as pouring coffee as compared to making a triple Vente, half-caf, skinny, with caramel syrup (the real kind stored in the back room, not just what is on the shelf), 174.9 degree Latte in a double cup with the logo facing straight out. Where the confusion comes in, I am guessing, is when a woman’s thoughts are projected onto the mans, and as we all know, a maestro piano player, cannot play a bongo any better than my nine year old….at least not at first.

For the sake of this article, to keep it simple, I need to first weed out the…uhm weeds. Many of those I have dated in the past would count, but to be honest I have been other people’s weeds as well. Weeds, for us here, are those who are either not being honest on purpose, or don’t realize they are not being honest usually because they are confused with themselves. Their own place in the world, and how they need to cope with their own loneliness. Since I was one of these people at one time, I can only smile and shake my head at their naivety; it’s not their fault, any more than it’s a cows fault for walking in their own shit. They just don’t know any better.

If all of you reading this could accept the fact that at a core level, most people are just people, there are good ones and not so good ones, and we all will be making mistakes and experiencing speed bumps along the way, then we can realize that no in fact, all men are not jerks, anymore than I think all women are. Since I have filed a lawsuit against the last gal I dated, I have reason to think this is so….but it isn’t the case. Think positive, there are (I hope) great people out there mixed in and amongst the cow dung, but we need to be about ankle deep to find it.

So from a mans perspective who would love to find a woman that both allows me to sweep her, but also sweeps me, these are my thoughts about match.com;

Before logging on this time, I had had a revelation. While at church the other week I happened to notice a young couple, a few years younger than myself, enjoying the service as much as I did. My church is very young, very funny, great rock style music and draws a very hip fairly affluent crowd. So as I looked around I noticed quite a few couples around my age all enjoying together what I was enjoying alone. Now, I am not perfect or anywhere near it. I have often walked away from church with my tail between my legs, but honesty, and advice on good living is extremely useful to finding a deeper sense of happiness I believe, so I continue to go. I realized how nice it would be to be able to be enjoy this with someone else. To be with someone who did not continually lead me to the temptations that I am so naturally drawn towards. I realized that this time I would like to date a Christian girl. What that looks like to you, and what I think it looks like to you, makes me laugh a bit. I still want everything else, Hot, sexy, educated etc. not jsut some church-mouse clinging to a bible, holding her thread-bare sweater over her shoulders, but now want this on top of everything else I have been looking for. DAMN I am getting pickier.

In the past I have been on match and have started by surfing the profiles looking at pics and tapping out greetings to those that I found instantly attractive, often not even reading, or only skimming a profile description in order to find some common ground by which to get a conversation started. This is sadly how most of the surfing is done. Remember bongo drums. What I got often was pretty girls who offered me nothing that I thought I was looking for(not all cases, many are still good friends), except for the ’benefit’ of being with them and being able to buy them things. I would often find and look for women who would love sex as much as I did, and sex being no less addicting to a man than crack to a dead beat dad living on the streets of Tacoma, I would scrounge and look for clue words in profiles that would hint at being able to get it sooner or easier. The clue words, I am guessing were not put their entirely on accident. I would imagine those profiles would get the most attention. Add Darwinian theory here, and if more invitations equals more success then this makes sense in some strange not useful way. I started every search with the noble intent of getting a real woman, but found myself slipping to the lowest common denominator each and every time. I don’t think I was bad, I was just a man being led by my….well manhood. Without a personal conviction, a moral compass or some really strong will power this path will be traveled over and over again even by nice guys.

What does this mean to you, assuming you are a woman and dating on match? Well if you are looking for a man and want to actually have a chance at a long lasting relationship, I can say only one thing. Don’t have sex… I can feel men’s collective penis’s wincing as I say that like a dog to a training whistle. I am not suggesting that you never have sex, or as my wonderful pastor would say, not until marriage, even though that might be a good way to go(just don’t think I could), but not in the first few dates at least. Don’t do it, and the reason is so complicated its as simple as a bongo drum. Let a man slip to the lowest common denominator and he will, its his manhood leading him to what is easy, and saying no, or finding that there is no "No", is exactly what it wants. However if while he is sweeping you off of your feet and trying to get them on either side of his head, you are sweeping him right back stimulating what is in his head and being firm with the other, you will force him, he wont do it on his own, to learn more about you. You will be forcing the hand here, ensuring that even if the relationship does not work, he will know you, know who you are and what are about. And if it does not work out I am guessing here, just guessing because it is not the same for me (a man), that you will feel less resentment having never given "it" up.

Even this time, online, with my most noble of intentions I am finding that I want very much to slip back to my old ways. Not bad ways necessarily, depending on whose moral platform you are comparing it to, but less successful ways for what I want. I want a challenge, and I want a woman who makes me wait even though I am banging my head against the wall begging for it, so that when I get it, I feel like it is a Kings treasure, not a wadded up five dollar bill found in the corner of the street. I think that there are a lot of men like me out there who have not even figured this out for themselves but you will be doing both them and you a favor by standing up, rather than laying down. I know you want it too, I know its hard (stop, that is not what I meant), I know that you have needs too, but unless that is all you want filled, don’t do it.

A man can be a good actor for only so long. He can keep giving you the ’buying’ signs, like speaking of meeting family, or traveling to visit your home town, or even looking for houses for only a certain amount of time. If this is what is keeping you in the sack it will continue until there is a point where the rubber has to meet the road, a point where you know the Truth will come out, and how often has it been not truth you were hoping for? It’s a point where you hear something about "not wanting a relationship, or not being ’ready’". This is the time of "The Talk". You see, at this point you have already given up the sex, invested emotionally and given sex a certain economic ’value’, and to him, it is not worth it anymore. It is time to go find someone new. At this point he has not invested himself in learning about you, has not had to so lets not blame him entirely, and the measure by which to make his decision is this: Is the sex and the nagging combined together worth moving into a more committed relationship rather than going out and finding someone new with new sex and no talk of commitment? Which would you choose?

Hold back a little longer and then the decision is much more complicated for him. Now he has "invested" in this arrangement by having to entertain and be entertained emotionally. He has to then give up someone that he actually likes, and has invested in by not moving forward. If you are under the assumption that a man invests by having sex, then you are fooling yourself. There is NO emotional investment in sex by a man. None. Hear that, none at all, not one bit. Not even the tiniest fraction of emotion Unless, and this is big, he has feelings already. Get the feelings, or get out. Cant get the feelings, cant get the time needed to get the feelings, get out. Sex and being willing to wait for it is YOUR ONLY LITMUS TEST as to his true motivations. Its all you have, so use it wisely. As was said to Spiderman when he donned his first spider suit by his father. And now said to all who have breasts. "To whom great power is given, great responsibility is required"

Falling in Love

2008-03-22T20:43:00.001-07:00

So when you fall in love, what changes? Hmmm, well lots of things, one for example you might find yourself getting more sex. Thats a good thing. You might find delight in the simple things again. Standing out on the beach staring at the ocean waves crashing in, or a funny TV show. Often without another these things feel lonely but when you are in love those moments are impossible to let go of. They just feel so good you can almost feel the ticking of the clock as time slips away. So many little insignificant moments become momentous. My god, I almost forgot the best one of all, laying in bed until late in the morning all tangled up with nothing but a damp sheet. Time I think is the one that changes the most though. When you are apart the time goes so much slower. So painfully slow it hurts. Each turning out of the light at night is lonely, and quiet. Aching. But when you get together, with a true love what happens? Time flys by so fast you can hardly find the time to eat, and poop in the same day. The hours whirl by, then darkness and evening shows up, and if its the last evening to see each other, the individual minutes take on a significance of their own that is hard to quantify. Sleep becomes a non issue, money is meaningless, its just time. Time...Want more time.
Alot changes when we fall in love. We start doing things that we forgot all about enjoying again. We find new things that we never would have done before. We pick up on the strengths of the other and make new decisions to conquer goals that have been on our lists. We might take Salsa dancing, or take an interest in Scuba, or Ballet. We hold hands. We coo and obsess 'till our friends cant stand it. What else happens? Something significant. How about heartache? Missing someone you have bonded with is suddenly a visceral feeling, something so very real and tangible that actually hurts. I think if you dont miss someone when they are gone you probably are not really in love. Heartache is definately a symptom of love. Try falling asleep without a double gin and tonic when your heart hurts, and is pounding in your chest. Try to sleep the night fully and wake up when you feel the ache of a love. Try to watch a sad movie and not cry. Hmmm, try to watch a sad comercial and not cry...I have failed that test. Ahem.
Seems the Chinese had it right when they show us the Ying and Yang signs. Seems that with all of the awesome feelings that go along with love, being in love and being loved, there is a flip side that hurts equally as much. I guess when we are not in a spectacular relationship, things go along pretty smoothly, assuming you are happy with yourself, emotions really dont run that high or low. Sure good times are always to be had, dating, going out to see and be seen. Comedy shows, adventures with friends, lots of great stuff with good times, but generally I think our emotions are pretty stable. Not so when we are in love is it? Seems that our stomachs kind of take over everything. Insecurities pop out of nowhere and being foreign to us, are hard to figure out. Why am I feeling like this, how can I stop it, how do I get back to my comfortable self? Worry can be overwhelming if your love is in trouble. Their problems become your problems and whether or not you can fix them you will feel their pain and will worry for them. Kinda seems like a raw deal really, I know its not, but who the hell would want to sign up for that? If we could write down our lives on paper, looking at all the problems and worries we have in our lives and then look at someone elses knowing that their problems, their failures, their pain, will be added to yours, who would join that club?
Seems that the good stuff, not just the sex, more than makes up for the bad stuff. The comfort, the passion, the peace of mind when we know we have someone who has our backs is more than enough to put up with their shit, idiosyncrasies and to take on their problems as our own. We love it. We all desire it, and even more so once we have felt it. But what can keep us from it once we have felt it? Heartbreak.
There are terrible pains in life that dont need to be written down here, we all know them. Pain, disease, loss are all part of life for us either now or later. Problems are absolutely going to happen to us, and that is ok. Your new car will for sure get a scratch. So just plan on it and when it happens, well its still a bad deal but it was expected. Same with life. We know that death and loss is inevitable. We cant predict it or control it in any way. So most of us ignore it until it hits. But Heartache is a pain that can be avoided. Once you have felt it, the pain that lasts for months and months you may be tempted to avoid any chance of it happening again. Fear may keep you from 'falling' in love again. I dont think that is hard to understand. I have felt it, hope to never feel it again and I have had and may have up again walls for protection. They are hard to let down. Fear creeps in. What if it happens again? Here is another insecurity that is hard to deal with. Being generally a confindent bunch, some of us exceptionally so, why would insecurity suddenly be so prominent in our lives. Well imagine your best friend just convinced you to try the Para glider behind a speedboat. Against your better judgement, you did put on ten pounds this year, you strap yourself in while your friends all hop in the boat. "Hit it!" you yell and off the boat screams. Not up you go, but down. Face first dragging along the water and filling up like a water balloon. The next day your friend says lets go do that again. Hmmm, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
Avoiding love is understandable. Understandable but sad. Loving like we have never lost is part of enjoying every minute of life. Life is ticking away and you dont know for sure if you will make it through the day. If you get the oportunity to fall in love, really trust someone, let them in, share what is wrong with you, what you are afraid of, what makes you an individual and bask in the acceptance.

An older sister joins my family

2008-03-22T20:42:00.001-07:00

Life is not fair. That is a very real statement and I cant think of how many times I have brought it out of my bags of useless things to say after I have seen a tragedy. Life is just not fair. How is it fair also that the guy who regularly begs for money on the corner of my freeway offramp wears Nike Air Jordans? I want a pair of those, but I think they cost around two hundred bucks. That is out of my league for play shoes, and I think I do alright. Life just is not fair. No one ever said it was and good thing because we would all throw tomatoes at him if he did. Sometimes bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. Karma, some say but I dont know if it exists. Seems that things happen one way or another, and how we deal with them is really what in turn becomes our perception of our life and its circumstances.
For example, your car does not start tomorrow morning. You have the kids in the car, work is forty minutes away, and you have thirty five minutes to get there after dropping off the kids. The battery is dead. What will you say I wonder? Maybe something like this perhaps; "Not NOW! Please not NOW!. C'mon start you f-ing, SOB, piece of....." So I ask you if not now, then when?
When exactly would have been the perfect time for the car to not start. Or for your tire to blow out. When would be the best time to have your two year old throw up on your new suit and somehow their own head and hair just as you are heading out the door. When? What if you could plan it, when would you fit that disaster in? Maybe on a saturday morning when you are on your way to meet your friends for golf? Hmmm, that would suck too. Maybe on your way to a date at eight pm in the evening after you have had a great day at work? That would suck alot too.
There are no good times for problems to hit, only good ways of dealing with them. These things happen to everyone, me, you and that really hot lady driving the BMW 745 over there. Yeah even her. Shit happens, and when it does, when life throws a minor disaster at us, its time to put the game face on, tell everyone around you that you have it under control and start dealing with the situation.
So that being said, what happens when my dog forgets about the 'deal' she and I have about NOT jumping up on my black car? I get mad. Of course, its natural. I even kinda explode a bit, seeing the three long scratches going down the drivers side door from her right front paw. The neighbors might hear a brief bellow, the dog of course cowers the kids are used to it and know they had nothing to do with it so they are safe. But I pull it together as quick as I can, realize that the car was not going to be perfect forever, a scratch was absolutely inevitable and start thinking of a way to fix it. Later not now. And then ways to keep myself from killing my dog. After all of that, I move on. It has now been three days, the scratches are still there, but I know how to remove them with a little work, and I will. As soon as I get to it that is. They are really small ya' know. Priorties have already changed.
So life is not always fair, but every once in a while something happens that changes your life in a good way, and you had nothing to do with it. Nothing you ever did, or ever will do could possibly explain something so good happening to you. For me it happened last night.
My dad had contacted me about a week ago and asked if he and I could meet for dinner sometime and talk. Hmmm, sure I said, but since he has never asked to meet me for anything I knew something was up. After a bit of calender checking I realized I could not accomodate him so soon, but quickly asked if everything was alright. Oh Sure he said, its all fine. Hmm, ok.
Last night I met him and his wife along with their great granddaughter to give me the birthday presents that were a couple of months late. No worries the wishes were right no time, just the presents were late. So we met and were enjoying drinks, good conversation as usual, and apetizers, when my dad says; " I have something I need to tell you" I looked up from my minestroni at his wife sitting across from me, and she raises her eyebrows just enough to make her words which came next really echo. "You might want another drink" She said. Uh oh.
I can tell you that I am good at one thing and that is taking bad news. No one takes his or her lumps better than me. When I have screwed up, I walk right up and take it right in the kisser, whatever it takes to let the other person, who presumably was right, that I screwed up. My mistake, My bad, I will take this one, and I am sorry. If I am going to get broken up with, which sadly seems to happen waaaaaay too often, I sit there like a man and take it. No blubbering, no tears....well most of the time. So right now I put on my game face, wondering what could merit this drama, when he says "You have a sister"
I am a thirty eight year old man, who has been an only child his whole life. I have always wanted a brother or sister to play with, to share emotions with, to conspire against my parents with, but at every Thanksgiving it was always just the three of us. Everytime we moved, which was about every two years I was the lone kid moving to a new school trying to fit in, and trying to keep from setting the school record for most wedgies by a new kid in one year. This was my life. Settle down, play with myself at home, and then move in a couple of years. All the way up to highschool I was in one school for freshman and sophmore years and another for Junior and senior. All I ever wanted was a sibling to share the quiet with, to help blend with anything but to be alone all the time.
So now it seems I have one. I have yet to meet her or even talk to her, although I want to very much. I already love her and we have not even spoken. I cant wait. I cant wait to hear her voice say, Hi this is your sister. My god I am a baby brother after thirty eight years! I am so excited I cant sit still. All I talked about at work today was her, all I talked about with my friends last night was her, and I could not even keep my mouth shut at the gym today talking with gym-friends. I kept telling the story. I am another persons brother.
If I take life and put down everything on paper, good and bad, and compare it to all of the people I know. Not to the rest of the world who would gladly suck their pet goldfish through a straw to change places with me, but rather the people I associate with. If I laid everything out, my financial debts, income, net worth, health, physical appearance, level of sucess, which is of course very relative, I would not look so great. I am a good solid "Good" in all of those categories, but not "Excellent" in any one of them. Yet when people talk to me, they think my life is the best one they have ever heard of. I think my life is the best one I could ever imagine. Would I like more money, yes I would, but would that help me enjoy my kids tomorrow more as I throw the frisbee? Or would it keep me from throwing the frisbee? My kids love me to death, the hug me so hard they choke me. What the hell else is there? This is life, and I love it. I absolutly expect problems. I know there will be a financial problem in my future, near or far I know for a fact it will happen. Dont know how much it will cost me, so god dammit I had better put some away right now to prepare for it. When it happens what will my level of stress be like I wonder? Will I say with my hands covering my face and pulling my hair "Oh God what am I going to do, why now?" Nope, I will grab my checkbook and write a check, unhappily for sure, but will after a little stomach ache, move on and go grab the frisbee again. What if it is my long term health, well that is tougher. The bigger the potential disaster the harder it is to prepare, so if that happens to me, I expect you to help. Yes you read that right.
Dryers breaks, kids get sick, people get laid off. Companies close and steal money. Shit will happen, but think about it first, realize that shit will happen and get ready for it if even its just emotionally.
So comparing my life to others is easy. I have some more things I would like to accomplish and yes there are some TV shows I like but most are self improvement goals. The paper comparison does not tell the whole story at all. Not even a little bit. I am genuinely happy with my lot in life because everyday I do something to try to improve it. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I dont. I have good days and bad ones but I am doing well.
So how does someones life get even better when every single night I go to bed thanking god for today, thanking god for my kids, my health, and just another day on this planet? How is it even fair that something great should happen to me? I feel a bit guilty that my last real desire in life has been met, I have a bigger family. I have a sister.
I cant wait to meet her. I love her already

Singles parties....and the people who attend. One was me...Shhhhh

2008-03-22T20:40:00.002-07:00

There really appears to be a set of both men and women who thrive in the single activities like pigs thrive in mud. To drop them in the middle of a group of other singles is like haveing them airlifted to Mecca. The scripts come to the front of their heads so quickly it comes out as normal conversation. Each type of person they would meet would get a slightly different script from them. One may hear about their 'career' real or imagined, and another may hear about the Brazillian they just had done, and how much it hurt. The longer in the scene the more variations and subleties would grow. Scripts would include physical 'tics' as well. Everytime one script would work it would get added to the library for next time. Hair flips, pectoral flex, and casual looks over ones own shoulder to give that sexy profile a good show. The more they are used the easier it is to embellish on them and the longer they will hold someones attention. Maybe long enough to get that fourth drink in her. A casual hit/push on the chest with a laugh. A joke about her arms and how strong they look...hmmm let me feel. Yeah right.
Is there anything wrong with being good at this? Is there a reason to look down on this group of people who are especially good at flirting? Are they really a danger, or I am just singin' the blues because I suck at this? YES! They really are! The longer someone is in the dating pool 'looking' the better they get at the casual conversation of a singles crowd. The longer someone is in a relationship the more uncomfortable they are in the same environment. And who would be the better long term partner? Well who knows, that is your call, but as I find myself in these situations a bit more often, I still stay away as much as possible, I am noticing that I suck at all of this. Maybe I am just crying sour grapes, and possibly my self esteem needs to be raised. Yeah probably, but I am finding myself lagging way behind others that I have surpassed in other areas of life. Its not a win lose thing....well hell yeah it is a win lose thing. Damn it. In this environment confidence rules the day. Confindence is the T-Rex of emotions. Nothing is sexier than a super confident male or female. The strong look in the eyes, the fluid movements. Its like they have tattooed across their face the words 'You WILL like me'.
Those glancing around and inspecting shoe laces are going home alone and are having no free drinks.
Sort of like gambleing, which I suck at, the more you win the more you like it. The more you lose the less you like it. I lose on slots so consistantly that I really dont have any idea why anyone would ever want to play them. I can drop a fifty on the mat by the door and just leave and have about as much fun. I have lost so many times that it just seems dumb to play anymore. But I have many friends who love it. You probably love it. You have probably won too. Right? EIther play long enough that you break even and have a nice night, or have won a few bankrolls and are addicted to the chase. Playing the slots is a numbers thing. The more you play the more you will lose but the higher your chance of a big score. Singles bars and events are the same.
Some in dating are addicted to the chase. The singles bars, and events are like the Serengetti to a lion. Wide open plaines with unobstructed views of the prey. Normally the prey can run and hide. During work hours our game faces are on, we are alert in control and ready for battle. But at the bars the drinks weigh us down, loosen our grips on the gates that keep 'Those' types out and slip. The chase begins with a flirt, and then the scripts come out, the smiles get painted on and fun begins. Who will play who. Here everyone gets played. Guys for money, girls for sex. Duh! But who is playing for a relationship? If you find yourself there you, and everyone else are playing for something. Maybe you want to get free drinks or want the most numbers, or the number from the hottest person whoever it might be that night. Maybe its to get laid, and at times that might have its place. Whatever it is the odds are really good that whoever you bump into there is not playing for conversation for conversations sake. Just like in used cars, the saying goes "close 'em now because if they leave here you wont ever see them again." No such thing as a Be-Back ( as in " I will be back tomorrow) in used cars.
This all sounds like I hate the whole thing and I dont. Anything, no not just anything, everything in moderation. We should all join in the fun from time to time, but when you find you are getting good at it, ask yourself why you are getting so good at it. Are you afraid to give up the chase? Are you addicted to the small talk, the short term goals? Would it be wrong if you were, not necessarily its your life. I find however that when someone really wants a new partner and really wants to expand their chances of meeting him or her they are at a severe dissadvantage by being so out of practice. So here is the question, How do you get good at it without doing for a living?

My apology may be meaningless.

2008-03-22T20:40:00.001-07:00

Oh the anger that we all oten feel when justice is not served up to our standards. There is every year a generic story about someone who destroys the lives of people, holes themself up in a motel somewhere, and then kills themself before the police can arrest them. Hmmm, what was the last one? Well that depends on what state you are in while you are reading this. But I bet you have had one this year. Try to remember. Now remember how you felt after you heard he or she 'got away'. Maybe nothing just waiting for the next song to come on, or the light to turn green, but I bet you did not feel happiness, or relief that the person was dead. Seems that is exactly what we should feel, the person might have raped, or killed or otherwise ruined someones life, maybe financially (Ken Lay?) and then got the ultimate reward, death. Game over. The only thing in our short lives that is absolutely not replaceable is life and they lost that, they are gone. Never to enjoy a breath again. But also never to face those who want to punish them. Why isnt that enough? This leads to another question; When is death not enough, and are we all just naturally vengefull?
People can make us feel things physically, well I suppose correctly said, we allow people to make us feel things physically. When someone says they are proud of us and means it, how do you feel? When someone says for the first time 'I love you' how do you feel? When you hear words like this you dont just breath them like air just to be expelled out in the next breath like vapor do you? No, its effect is physical. The feeling often lasts as you drive away in your car, maybe with the music blasting to keep up with your mood, maybe with nothing but the sound of the wind to savor the words. It lasts in your center, your stomach maybe, a feeling of happiness, peace, comfort. Its a great feeling that life is as it should be and everything is ok. I can walk away from my boss at times and feel this. Give me a little pat on the head and I know I have a job for another week, and I am happy, my woman tells me she is mine forever, that I am the best man she has ever met and I will glow for hours, and sometimes days.
With this ability, the ability to feel words and emotions and be able to hold on to them to savor, comes a down side too. People can hurt us with their words. Ouch. My same boss can ruin my weekend with a word and a raised eyebrow. A long time partner can do worse with less. Maybe even a sigh, or a look, but even so the communication has an effect. And it is palpable.
For some reason the creator of this universe decided that negative thoughts and words directed at you should hurt you in your stomach. Not a mental hurt, not a little discomfort to help you 'know' you have been hurt, but potentially a stomach-flu style stomach ache that can keep you immobile for days. Why the pain is not where we hear the words, see the person who is hurting us, and think about, sometimes endlessly in looping fashion e.g. in our heads, is beyond me. Seems much more convenient to me, but I was not consulted on that. There must be wisdom that allows us to get sick to our stomachs when partners break up with us, bosses fire us, and family members pass on without us. It hurts. It must be useful, but for what? This is where heartbreak lies. And I would trade the stomach flu for heartbreak any day of any week in my life. Its in our stomachs. Seinfeld did a great skit once and I think helps us all see what we do when disaster strikes. With a simple problem we will raise our hand to our chins and maybe rub it, when things go really bad, we cover our mouth with our hands, and when life has just fallen apart we cover our entire face, eyes, forehead everything. See, we are all the same. We all feel the same set of emotions. This is why Seinfeld can joke about it, why great poker players can win from it, and why con artists can make good livings from it. We are all built, except for those same con artists, virtually the same. Good words feel good, bad words, even though they are nothing more than air and vibrations that are quickly gone from the physical world, feel bad. To everyone.
I am one of those people who try to play by the rules. I try not to seek out revenge for those who wronged me, but I at the same time dont mind being exceptionally grumpy towards them. Life goes on and we cant win everything. So when I am wronged I make a choice depending on the extent of what was done to me as to whether or not I want that person in my life, as it stands, or not. If they wrecked my car, laughed and walked away I would probably not want them in my life, right? If they stole my girlfriend, then hell no. But no matter what was done, or how long ago it was done there is a door they can always walk through. Its the one I leave cracked open with the light on. But this one requires a key to get through. Its a heartfelt apology.
"I am so, so sorry" is all I need to hear to forgive. That is the rule. I may not trust this person, may not want them back where things were and may never be able to repair the relationship, but I will absolutely forgive them and move forward. When I screw up I will quickly throw up that white flag and hope they play by the same rules. Hope that I will be forgiven and not left behind.
Most everyone has read the blog about Rhonnie Propps a real woman who lives in Mineral Wells W. Virginia. Dont believe me, look her up, its ok with me. Probably not with her or her husband but she has brought dark clouds to her house before, and I expect will again. After she 'died' on the 25th of august, I kept the lines of communication, lets say open with her. I texted her and let her know that I had written the blog, that she was welcome to read it and share her thoughts, that she was a star and not well liked, and that I would like an apology. I told her that she had hurt quite a few very decent men, and changed their perspectives on women in the future. I told her her actions bordered on evil and I just wanted an apology. I sent these requests and notes off and on to her for the past three weeks. Hmm, I feel a bit stalker-like but I felt an apology would go a long way towards closing the door.
Sunday I recieved a very long nasty text back from the 'dead' saying quite a few nasty things, and that she would like to be left alone. Hmmm, no apology there. So far, her myspace accounts have all been shut down, her husband is furious at her, all of her contacts have called, texted and emailed her to ridicule her and now hundreds and hundreds of people have read about her, and I expect many hundreds more to come. So, in effect even after she 'killed' herself things got worse for her. Just like the criminal who commits suicide. But is that enough. Yes it should be, it really should and I and everyone else could easily move on, but oh wouldn't life be so much better if she said she was sorry? Wouldnt a heart felt apology feel so good? To know that she realized the error of her ways, changed because of the destruction she caused and said "I am sorry".
Well finally she did.
Funny thing though, since she is a compulsive liar, probably narcisistic there was no way to really get enjoyment out of the luke warm apology. The "If I hurt anyone I am sorry" line just did not feel as good as I had hoped. In fact even though I felt a lot of joy in bugging the shit out of her till she finally cracked and woke from the 'dead', I got very little from her apology.
I wonder if we would get any more closure if the criminal we spoke of was stopped before pulling the trigger and killing him or herself. If our family had been harmed I know that we want revenge, would want to see the suffering, and hopefully get closure from the words, but will it do anything at all? Dont we already have enough to move on with? Will these words really help? Apparently not. Not enough to justify the energy I 'wasted' chasing it down. Wouldn't I in this case have been better off just walking away? They say and I believe it is true, although tough to follow, that the best revenge is living a happy life. I see that now, and hope that I can remember it next time I go chasing an apology.

Families are perfect. (Ahem, Not)

2008-03-22T20:38:00.000-07:00

We love our families for everything they offer us, their support, love, and mutual history. Family is for most of us, not all, everything that is important in the world and at the same time that which we spend the least amount of energy focusing on. The gift of life with them as opposed to life without them is temporary and probably if we look, taken for granted. The time we have with them while they are we are healthy is shorter than we expect because no one expects the unexpected. Tomorrows accident may involve someone you know, someone you love. Their flaws however are easy to focus on. A wonderful person who is loved by others, praised by many, who in your darkest hour would hold your hand, cry tears of compassion and give you a part of their own body can be reduced down to a few, or sometimes more, flaws that just rub us wrong. "Yes I love my brother but....". "My mom just drives me crazy" "My dad was not the most affectionate person in the world so I dont...". We all say these things. We then hang up the phone rush our kids to ballet, go grab a quarter pounder ("without cheese this time, trying to cut back, and make it a diet!") and worry about how we are going to pay our new Escalade payment, or worse still how we are going to go fill it up after the practice. "Damn! The new CSI is on tonight and I forgot my mom and dad are coming over for dinner!" Too bad I dont have Tivo. "Damn they bug the crap out of me, I so wish he/she would just..."
So the question is; If the most important people in the world to us are reduced to irritating flaws, how do we make the most of the time we have with them before they are gone?
At what point do we realize that our family members are just people? We have flaws, often we will say they are because of our parents, right? But our parents are no more flawed and are for reasons that started before even they were learning algebra. We wish so hard that they would just fix that, or say this, or just be more like this or that. You might hear yourself say; "I have given up on ever hearing..." But our pastor, professors, bosses, and friends are all deeply flawed on some level, many levels too. Odds are only their family has felt it, seen it up close enough to analyze. We are all messed up but we tend to spend time with the people who accept us the way we are, which can mean several things. It can mean they just live with our issues, or it can mean they are just very compatible with us in spite of our issues. Maybe a spouse has recently learned of a flaw in your charactor but loves you too much to think about ending things on that note alone but it does not mean you are perfect, no just loved and accepted. Our families however cannot be chosen, cherry picked. We get them the way they are even if their flaws are not compatible with ours, even if we or they cannot stand our issues. In life we can choose which person with which issue to love, with family its as random as 52 card pick-up. But who is most important? Our investment in energy should be directed at whom?
I have been told more than once that I was loved, that I was the best thing ever, and that I would be numero uno forever. I have heard " I will be your girl forever" more than just once, that I was the best man ever and we would be together forever, and yet not one of those people are in my life in any way more than a periphery role at all. Some I never hear from, and will never seen again. But through all of those comings and goings, all the perceived drama that shook me up so many times, my family was always there, with all of their 'flaws'. I would disappear investing energy and money in someone that later left and is investing their energy and money in someone else. But I can call one my family members right now, in between typing these words, or reading them, and tell them I need help, need support, need their energy, and I will get it if I really need it. Moreso if I have invested energy in that 'bank'. I can also tell them without fear of rejection that I love them and hear 'I love you too' back. Its a bond that transcends distance and time. "That is my brother, that is my son, that is my mother" Whatever the statement, even if its in hindsight through a loss. That was or is an important person to me, to us.
Each of us, for thousands of years have been trying to overcome the issues of our parents. Trying to compensate or change something in their behavior to get more out of life. Children living in stone houses under the rule of Caesar did the same thing. Their parents were just as, although different, 'screwed' up as ours are. They overcame the problems, or they didnt. They became parents themselves, like us, and tried to become someone better than their parents. Maybe even to marginalize them to keep their influence out, whatever. Our children, to some of us will seem screwed up, especially OTHER peoples children, but even to ourselves our kids can seem full of issues. Kids are people just like us and just like our parents and are feeling the same things towards you that you feel towards others. They want something they are not getting, not understanding something that is set in stone, not getting what is needed, just like us with our parents. If you feel like your parents on one side have issues and your kids on the other have issues its time to ask what of yourself....? Well if the shoe fits and I am sorry to break it to you, its snug! Its you. Or is it me? No its us. The question "what could I do better?" is a tough one to ask. It should be said quietly, while driving with the radio off for a few minutes of quiet to think without noise, or while sitting in the dark with your hands over your face wondering what has gone wrong. Maybe there is something we can do different, but maybe its just accepting flaws, overlooking them, smiling past them, and loving the person in spite of what seems broken.
My dad is a great man. He is well liked, respected by everyone who meets him, honest as the day is long, intelligent, well read and trustworthy. He is also handsome...Hmmm looks like me. smile. But he is flawed. He is not perfect and is not a perfect dad never has been and I am learning never will be. Who am I to judge though, am I perfect, no of course not. I just dont see all of my flaws yet, I can only see his, others.
Sometimes we foresee an event on the horizon that we hope might make the change we long for in another person. For me it was meeting my 'new' sister. It was a family get together with the newest family member.*
My dad and I, my sister and my dads' wife all decided to meet in AZ about a month after my sister found my dad, and then me, using a private investigator. She was adopted out years before I was born and was never mentioned. I had no idea there was a sister for me out there somewhere and the idea of my family getting larger was almost too much for me to handle. I loved the idea, loved it more than I love air while sitting at the bottom of the ocean. For me, it was familial love at first sight. I heard about her and loved her, would do anything to help her or her family. Instant change in my world, never to go back of my own accord. My world was different the moment I heard about her and although I did not want it any other way, it was also irreversable as far as I was concerned.
I grew up traveling as a Navy brat. We lived all over the place and rarely stayed anywhere longer than two, three or maybe four years. I was always the new kid in school, always trying to break into the groups and maybe you might remember me, as the one who was standing at the front of the class being introduced by the teacher as the 'new boy'. "Lets please make him feel welcome" the teacher would always say. The word welcome, to most of the bigger kids, was synonymous with 'wedgie' so that was what I got fairly regularly. Some of the kids who were not as bright thought it meant 'Swirly' so occasionally I got one of those too, but always corrected them afterwards.
I longed for a stable playmate, someone to share the moves with, the new schools with, and the quiet times at new homes with. Spreading my legos out on the new carpet of a house by myself always seemed a bit lonely. I made friends easily, became pretty good at it, and today I am who I am because of all of this, so since I like myself, I guess it all worked out, but now I see how close I was to having a sibling. An older sister. How close I was to having my dream come true and I found I have a bit of a bitter taste. Just a bit, most of my thoughts have been great and the opportunities as life continues with her are great, I do focus on them, but the what if's do surface and it takes mental effort not to make them my focus.
She was raised well, as well as anyone that is. Her father was successful, her mother was a bit of a drinker, who's wasn't, and she and her two adopted siblings both younger, a brother and a sister. They were all helped to be raised by their nanny who was just a great woman by all acounts. No one was perfect, but no one was terrible either. Just like everyone else. We all have good families, not all I suppose, but each have issues that vary in degree and condition. Comparing our two childhoods I expected on the surface when hearing about her, that if it were a contest I would win the "who had a better childhood" game. But if we put it all down on paper, and counted what each of us indivdually thought as most important, which does differ, I would say that hers was better. I never asked her what she would think, but I would expect she would say they were just different. Definately different. She wanted her dad, I wanted a big loving happy family. Its a tie.
So the big unanswered question left after she and I had spoken so many times on the phone after learning about each other was, how was He going to react. My dad, our dad. Well her biological father, not I would say technically her dad. The man who raised her, loved her her whole life and gave the best years to her is without a doubt the man who holds the honor of being called dad. But my dad is her biological father. What would he do? How was he going to react? I would mentally tally all of the 'faults' I knew about him, the way I was raised, the extreme lack of emotion brought into my world by him, and hoped beyond hope that having a second chance to right what was although not the worst choice, abortion I think here would have been the worst, still a hard choice, a choice with lifetime consequences. He made his choice and moved on but still he felt guilt for the action he took. Here is his chance to redeem this person, and settle the score. He knew how excited I was, and when asked, you always have to ask someone like him to get anything, would comment that he was very happy with all of this. Happy to hear that she is ok, that she was raised well, and happy to hear from her. Great I thought. What will happen when we put them together?
For me, the meeting was easy. There was no pressure at all. She and I just found out about each other, and clearly liked each other from all of our phone conversations and letters. Life could only go up from here. But for them this was sticky, complicated, and nerve rattleing. Each had, I suppose, different expectations of how this would play out. Each was hoping to come out of this with something that the other was not aware of. This is where things went wrong.
One of my dads biggest faults is his ability to communicate with emotions. This also shows up when he should be able to read another persons emotions and 'keep up' with the changes that are occuring. His emotions, are slow to change. Leave him alone in a chair with a book and he is happy as a clam in mud, tell him he made a mistake, he will apologize and try to correct it. Yell at him and he will finally bite back. But to see any of that coming ahead of time seems to be something he lacks, or maybe just doesnt care much to see. Its not the worst thing in the world, really, like I said he does not have a bad bone in his body, but it can be very frustrating when he misses what is the obvious to everyone else. Like laying a sign at his feet in 72pt Bold face type that says, I am sad and need a hug, suddenly he is dyslexic and reads it as a big happy face. Life is fine, go get something to eat, "want something?" He would add.
My sister came to this meeting with hopes. Probably not real clear hopes, this is a once in a lifetime experience after all, but hopes for sure. She hoped, maybe not expected, but hoped to hear that he was sorry, that he knew it was a mistake. That he would have taken it back if he could and had thought about it often. That life is better now with her back in his life. Hoped to hear that there was a solid reason why he had put her up for adoption. Maybe a hardship that could not be overcome, emotionally, financially, or anything really. This was not what she got.
It is his fault, but at the same time its the way he is, so hard to place blame. Hard to place blame on the one legged man for not keeping up in the race, hard to place blame on the blind woman for not following the well written directions. And its hard to place blame on a man who reads emotions as well as I read latin and then expect him to handle a very charged emotional situation with diplomatic sophisticaton. Its like a handicap. Where a soft blanket was needed, he would drop a brick and then stand back and admire how well it went.
He told her the reason he left her was just because he didnt want a baby, and that once she was gone, it closed the curtain. Did not think much about her after that, and never thought about finding her. Ouch. All that may have been true, but truth can be worded gentler. Should have been thought through better. Men do that. I bet you, if you are female, have heard of a man leaving a child and never returning, it happens. Men dont have the connection that women do to their newborn babies. That takes time. But does this make it right to say so to the daughter who flew to see you at your invitation. Hell no. How hard is it to, like in a game of chess think one move ahead? If I say 'this' then I would expect her to feel 'this'. Its not hard.
Although everyone got along well, and we all learned alot about each other, she never felt welcomed by him. Never felt 'good' about the experience. Felt some of the things he said out of 'honesty' were hurtful, stinging. This dissapointed me greatly. Here was the foreseen opportunity I saw that might change him. I saw it coming, knew emotions would be involved, hoped there would be a change that would be visible. Even hoped that maybe I would get some of the benefit, but there was nothing. I could not tell the difference between the way he treated her and the the way he treats a guest in his house. A guest he genuinly likes, but still a guest. Honestly he treated her like he has always treated me and that is not par for this course. Not even close. He dissapointed me, dissapointed her, and might have lost a great opportunity.
People are who they are. Family is who they are, flaws and all. They are just people. Nothing he did was intentional it was as natural as a fart. The actions he took were brewed back when he was young. My (our) grandparents are as much to blame as he is, and for that matter so are their parents and their parents. This is who he is, for better or for worse. He is a good man, who has flaws. This flaw is never seen by other, never shown to friends because they dont dig that deep, dont spend the time with him for them to emerge. Dont feel the emotions that could help to reveal them. People in general really like him, and rightly so. I see the flaws however up close, like the cracks in my broken glasses. They have always been there. Now another person, has been hurt by them, has seen them too. This is not just dissapointing its embarrasing. He just was not up to this task and it was dissapointing. I had hoped for more than was possible. However the door was opened, that is the good, life goes on and who knows what the future holds. They may never speak again, or one day they may finally hug like a father and daughter. Wouldnt that be beautiful?
We cannot change others, stop trying if you are. You wont change a key feature of your spouse, your child, your parents or your friends. They are who they are, and no amount of talking will change them. We can only change ourselves to help us be more comfortable around them. Give ourselves the ability to decide who we want in our lives and who we dont. But we have to change ouselves, that is in our power. Remember, we have flaws too. Others see them better than we do. Some accept them, and some dont. Those who dont are gone already. Family is worth more. They will be here till one or the other dies. Their flaws are what have made us who we are, they have given each of us advantages because of our ability to compensate for their flaws. I grew up to be who I am, independant, strong, full of integrity, and very tuned into others emotions because of him. My family gets more attention, by far, than they would had I been raised by another man. To them its a positive. My sister is smart, god she is smart, tough and independant. To her family, her gorgeous children they see her as great. To her family her traits are a postive. To my sister and I it was because of a flaw. I guess it all depends on where you start looking from.

Sex and Chocolate Thunder Cake

2008-03-22T20:37:00.000-07:00

We all like sex. There really isn't a person alive that doesn't, no matter what they say. Models, presidents, single people, married people (harder to tell here), pretty people and people who look like troglodytes. Sex with another is not always necessary, although most would agree is the preferred method, but sex is what drives us. For men I think there is really nothing else besides the need for food and water, that makes more of our decisions for us than sex. Men make decisions on what clothes to wear, what cars to buy, what financial risks to take, how much debt to take on and what careers to aspire towards based on how much sex we will get when we get there. There is nothing wrong with this, it's the way we are all built, but it leads to the question; Who is in control, us or the Sex?

Sex is without a doubt as close to an illegal drug high as you can get without smoking, snorting or inhaling something. When we get it it is all consuming, incredibly single mindedly obsessive, but when we are without it we begin to feel the compounding, progressively increasing pull of it nagging on our brains. Each of us has a different threshold at which we start to pull our hair out, but it's there for all of us. When will I get it next, who will I get it/share it with next? Should I just take the edge off, do it myself and get on with my day? I am getting older and saggier and sex might be harder to get tomorrow so I should hurry up and get some tonight while I have the chance. Maybe I should get more sex now and that will be like putting it in the bank since I dont think I will be getting any for a while. I am fully endorse morning, noon and nighters, but it does not store for us like money. When its over it is back to Oprah and Dr Phil trying to explain to us how to be happy.

The comedy forty days and forty nights, made me wonder who was in control in my life. Was I the master of my domain or not? How long could I have control of myself and my life, how much clearer would I think without sex, how much more would I get done if I were to try like in the movie to not have any kind of sex for forty days and nights? Was it humanly possible without either becoming a monk by default, or damaging something, maybe irreversibly. It was just a movie, but it made me think. It really was a terrible idea, really bad, the lead charactor nearly goes insane, seeing hallucinations while trying to complete it …..But I decided to do it anyway. Think climbing Mt.Everest is tough? Now imagine everyone climbing the mountain has a heated slide right beside them the whole way up that would take them clear to the bottom where they would land softly in a warm swimming pool with women in bikinis and free margaritas. How many do you think would make it to the top? That is more like what this is like.

Stirring the pot is a good idea for all of us to do. If you know exactly what you are going to be doing everyday next week, and could with a pretty good measure tell someone who you will see, and where you will be each and every day, you are in a rut. Personally I like my rut, its like a blanket I come back to from time to time to lay in, sleep late in it, and stop thinking for a while while enjoying the peace of it. But then its time to stir the pot, add something new, add a new person, a new activity, a new thought. Call up a club and join it, look in the back of a local paper, no avoiding the freaky personals, and look for an invitation to join something new. Then suck up the fear and nerves and go. See what happens. Avoid the TV, and god damn it if you have a TV in your bedroom get rid of it, you will never get laid with it there. Change a little something and see what splashes in your life from the change.

My pastor says that sex should wait until marriage, but since I have no prospect of that on the horizon, and my horizon is a looooong ways off, I think this might be a bad idea, not that saving my soul is a bad idea, I just can no more imagine waiting years for sex than I can imagine what the boundary of space-time looks like or what a woman is thinking when mindlessly paging through an US or People magazine. It is just not something my small simple brain can wrap itself around. Since, and I realize this to be true, the man is the inferior gender maybe a woman could help shed light on this. But then again, I cant explain how to hook a stereo up to my HD TV to the rats living in my attic, and maybe its the same thing. Just more than I am supposed to know. Might throw off the killer male instincts or ruin some million year old genetic and evolutionary alteration designed to keep the species alive. I dont know. But forty days and nights with no sex of any kind? Hmmm. I wonder if it can be done.

Some say the more sex the better. Free love is not really gone it's just not promoted by long hair hippees on TV anymore. Others say the more partners the better. Some keep count, and some chant 'Variety is the spice of life' as a mantra. Is there anything wrong with this, well not necessarily the world is a big place and what makes someones day is really not any of our business. If they want to have three or four others join them on a Tuesday afternoon while their cats watch and video it all, who is to say this is bad? Shooting someone is bad, we can all agree on this. Selling drugs to kids, is bad, but quietly enjoying a kink behind closed doors? No, not necessarily bad. These actions might have an unwanted affects later which could be bad, but they might not either. They might continue forever, or might end quietly and grow into another addiction a healthy one, like video games, gossip magazines or daytime TV.

Am I having too much, or not enough sex to be normal? Was I, am I careful enough and should I stop having sex with this person for this reason or keep them around for a booty call once in a while? If I have sex with him will it make the relationship stronger or weaker? If I have sex with her, will she want to stay around or will she leave, like I want when I am done? Will he respect me in the morning? If only we could hear what is in the other persons head, we would never get naked, not ever with anyone. How do we know when its okay, when is too soon and when is too long? When is okay to share a kink with someone you care about? You might lose them to it, they might think you are a freak, or might enjoy it too.

The first, second and third dates can be tough to negotiate. If we get to a third date then there is something each is pursuing and that can be a good thing. But will having sex make the relationship, assuming that is the goal, stronger or ruin any chance of a future? Everybody wants it, hell it's the drug of choice, but it has effects and conscience thought should be applied to get the desired results. One valium is good….two is well, allot and maybe too much, but three, four or five is just not a good idea ever for all sorts of reasons. Will sex early on keep a guy longer, get a guy to come closer or doom the relationships future to fall like a homesick rock?

Put a piece of chocolate thunder cake in front of a dieter who has not lost a pound in weeks and you will have the same result as offering sex to a guy on the first date. After it's over there is nothing left except a messy mouth and dirty dishes. The sex is at that point no more of an issue than watching a good football game to the guy. It's an activity that needs a partner and if someone knocks on the door and asks, hey can you come out and play, he will say a forceful 'Hell Yeah!'. Again, is there anything wrong with this? No, as long as it's inline with your goals. What a woman becomes at that point is a toy and maybe the guy is too. She becomes a toy that needs to be taken out, pampered, wooed, played with, and entertained. A toy that needs attention and maybe affection to keep it running just like a Buzz Lightyear doll needs everready batteries. Keep the batteries charged and the toy keeps jumping into bed. Nice trick. But what is going on in the woman's head?

Maybe nothing more than in his, maybe that is the goal. Lots of fun, living life large and loud. Vegas baby everyday! But maybe there is the hope that this is all real, that this is the guy for her. That this life although fun is not real, and somehow there must be a way to turn the corner to something more 'normal'. Something nice that she could talk about with her mother and maybe something that might have staying power. Too late.

Getting a toy is easy. Getting a partner who ignores the other toys while keeping you in the middle of their tunnel vision is hard. Not hard you understand like digging forty postholes, or figuring out how Jennifer Anniston can be serious about marrying Vince Vaugn (Is that his name?). But hard like visiting other countries, trying new things and figuring out why republicans still like Bush. It takes time, patience and effort. In fact it's harder. Love is really a force that is out of our control. But needs a clean open mind to embrace. How can you be swept off of your feet when your ankles are on someone's shoulders?

Understanding a Blue day, our collective blue days

2008-03-22T20:36:00.000-07:00

Pizza is by its very nature a good thing, and being such has been compared to some of the great things in life in jest. For example, 'Sex is like Pizza, even when its bad it's still pretty good'. Everyone likes pizza, but depending on the health to fat ratio that some of us keep a tally of, we don't all eat it as often as we might like, some never. But nonetheless you would be hard pressed to find someone who would say, especially with the endless varieties of choices, that 'No, I just don't like any pizza'. That being said there are better pizzas and worse pizzas aren't there? Being completely subjective it would be hard to say which is which, but thick, or thin crust, regular cheese, or specialty goat cheeses, meats, or vegetables or some combination of all of the above really doesn't much matter. Whichever one we bite into is going to be at least "Okay". Some will be of course fantastic. "Oh my god that is the best f-ing pizza I have ever eaten…Try this!" Others are kinda so-so. Cardboard crust might be a fitting description here, but even so the piece is always finished.
Some days are like the crusty cardboard pizza and others are the new specialty pizza. Some are so good we go to bed just as wiggly as a puppy. Maybe you got a promotion, or a raise. Maybe you got the answer you have been waiting for from that special someone you have had your eye on. Maybe for whatever reason, and there does not really need to be one, you just feel like everything is finally in place and safe. Nothing at all to worry about tonight and everything to look forward to tomorrow. This particular feeling might be the easiest to imagine off the top of your head right now, just think about how you would feel if you were already packed, work was not expecting you or needing you, all loose ends were tied up, and in the morning you were leaving for Cancun. Might be tough to sleep wouldn't it. Might feel a bit on the wiggly side. That is a great feeling.
But what about the days where something went wrong? These are the crusty pizza days, still better than being dead, I think. Still better than living in Kenya and having to protect your daily ration of rice and water with a rifle. Still better than a lot of things, definitely an eat-able slice of pizza, but not a great one. Right here we need to stop and evaluate what we are comparing here, throw out the burned pizza, and the ones with anchovies and oysters as just being the sorts of days that turn our lives upside down. Deaths, tragedy and losses of all sorts of types. This is not in the scope of this article and neither is winning the unimaginably horrid odds of the lotto, but rather all of the days that are as Dave Mathews says "In between". We live "in between".
If you think about your life you might be looking forward to the moments that are going to be good, or hopefully great, and dreading the ones you know are on the way, but really most, by far, of our lives are in this "in between" zone between the really good times and the really bad times. Sort of the Vanilla ice cream of foods. No flavor at all, just Okay. The question is, how do we get the most out of the times we are ignoring?
Time goes by faster the older we get, not sure how that works exactly, might be how the spider feels as it is spinning towards the center of the swirling water leading to the septic system (where it will inevitably crawl back out by the way and be pissed). Older folks say this all the time "Oh where has all the time gone?" and I have caught myself looking back on tremendously bad times and they really seem like just yesterday. I think some of us, are lucky enough to have the good times burned into our brains just as deeply but that is rare. Traumatic times are mile markers tattooed onto our brains that will never go away. Markers of time that we forget about for years, but when asked remember as clearly as yesterday. More clearly possibly. But what happened in between? What happened in those twenty years in between? For gods sake it is LIFE! Right now is a completely forgettable evening if you let it. If you watch the same show, or do the same thing, you may as well forget the day right now because you will not remember it later. If you eat a particularly good slice of pizza you might remember this day for that, but an average pizza is gone next week. "What did you do last week?" "Uhm….well I cant really remember. Guess it wasn't that great" "Haha". BAM Twenty years of those days are gone.
The only way to make life slow down, to really get more out of it is to remember more of it. Nothing we do matters a bit if we don't remember it. Nothing. Think about this. Here is an example. If some crazed Doctor abducts you, ties you up in a dark room and….if this is your fantasy then this example wont work for you so skip ahead. Then performs a practice surgery on you without the benefit of anesthetic leaving you near mad with agony and fear but being sophisticated enough to care for everything professionally. What would happen the next day? Well if it were all performed correctly you would heal but with tremendous emotional scars. What if however, this nutty Dr were to give you just the right dose of a drug that had an amnesiac effect making you forget the entire previous day. Nothing more, and nothing less. He again was careful enough not to leave any lasting external physical damage, would you care? You had just been through what would be sufficiently gory to make any teenager in any horror movie scream and have nightmares but you remember nothing of the event. Would you care? Did 'you' even experience it? You would never be able to look back on it and remember, and if no one were able to fill you in on the details (of which you did not know there were any), would the event matter at all?
I don't think I would volunteer for this type of surgery even if it saved me money but would it matter? Sure you have to experience the horror first hand up and personal, the knife cutting you open, muscle and tendons being pulled and ripped, blood being lost on the floor, but the next day it was as if you had done nothing that day at all. Your last memory being of watching Seinfeld the night before and giving your sweetheart a kiss goodnight. Would that be so bad? Memory is what makes us who we are, what gives a sense of completion, I believe, at the end of our lives and capturing memories is important to complete us.
Try this as an experiment. Ask yourself, as if it were me asking, what was the best part of your day today? Really. ………. Don't keep reading and blindly move past that. Put this down move your eyes away from the page for a moment and really come up with an answer. What was the best part of your day today?
You might ask, okay nothing really happened to me at all today, so the answer is nothing, but what was yours? Mine just happened. I got an unexpected call from someone I really care a lot about. This right now, is a moment I am actively trying to remember for later. This will make the week seem to last longer, make the day memorable later. This will slow down time. When someone asks, I will have an answer. I won't forget today. Until now, it would be a toss up, but I would have had an answer for you, it would have had to do with work. A minor victory was memorable, leading to a chance of more growth in my business. This is a good thing. The time I spent with my kids is always at the top of the list with all of the huggable moments but it is sort of cliché and I think cheats a bit. Too easy. Give me something else, we all know that is the best. But that is everyday and therefore all the good is, sorry to say, forgettable. All the hugs help to reduce your blood pressure, help to keep us sane, help to keep all things in perspective, but one leads to another and I cant say I remember one hug over another last month particularly so I think this does not count for what we are talking about. Time will go by too fast if we don't actively remember this day as being different from another. Drift out of 'it' after work, maybe hurry to watch 24, or another of your favorite shows just to go to bed right after and you are going to forget everything. Forty will come way faster than you want and become fifty before you know it if you don't start using your brain to capture the Now. The now thoughts, the now moments that we can remember are what will make our lives slow down. Doesn't that sound better? Slowing life down? Who wouldn't want a week to seem like a month? Who would not like to chuckle at the person who gravely says "My god, another year is gone" and think Geez this was an incredible year, so much happened. Between twenty and thirty forget about it, we are too stupid to know better so party it up. Thirty to forty I would say a lot of us are trying to figure ourselves out a bit, get a grip on life, become comfortable with who we are or at least fake it. But forty to fifty we begin to panic. Where has the time gone? What the hell have I done with my life?? What do I have to show for my time? Hmmm, good question. What have you done?
Have you loved? Been loved? Have you risked, and been hurt? Believe it or not even being hurt is memorable and later on will give a reference point for time. Have you tried a new activity that made you look stupid and had a good time? Have you gone somewhere interesting? Have you done something scary something that could change everything for you? What if five years ago, which would be….. uhm what year would that be? What if five years ago you had done one of these things, or several of them? What if you had been bored and instead of turning on the TV to what you knew would have been mildly entertaining either alone or with your significantly boring other, you grabbed a local newspaper and looked in the back to see what was there that you had never done that sounded freaky or fun. Maybe a dance class (no not gay), maybe Scuba lessons, or a flying lesson. Hell maybe just ONE flying lesson. Wouldn't that have been memorable? Have you sky dived? If the answer is yes, then right now you are taken back to that moment, to the whole learning experience as if it were yesterday….but it wasn't. It was years ago. At some point it will be ten years ago, then twenty. What will you do to keep that level of memories going? How will you stir the pot to keep you being YOU?
Have you ever taken the time to notice that a great morning and afternoon can be spoiled, completely ruined by bad news in the evening? That would not be fair at all if it weren't true in just the opposite way, but it is. A terrible day can be made out to be one of the best if it ends on some great news. Sometimes its how we end our days, whether we allow it or it is just happenstance that shapes our days. Good or bad, either can be memorable, but of course we want more good than bad don't we? But we are talking about the varying shades of grey in between. The mildly good and the sort of blue days. Start to end nothing much happened that was not part of our rut, but we sort of feel a bit better than average or a bit worse. This leads to the question, what do we do with ourselves when it's a blue day for no apparent reason?
When something rough happens to us, or we let ourselves blow something out of proportion (sorry but you will never see that until after the fact, the rest of us can though in real time) we get upset and rightly so. There is nothing wrong with being upset, angry or any of the other 'negative' emotions, nothing at all. These are what makes us us. Makes us human. Keep them, don't dismiss them or try to make them go away. You at the most should ask yourself if they are serving you well. Are they accomplishing what you want as a tool? Could they be modified, with effort of course, to get more out of each situation? Besides that emotions are normal, we all have them. Everyone regardless of their income (ten million a year to ten thousand) feels blue days, feels anger and resentment, jealousy, and wonder if things could be better. If it helps you at all, think that I have these same thoughts. You are normal. But what about when nothing particularly bad happens that you can put your finger on and still you feel, oh how should I put this….icky? A strange feeling in your tummy that says something is not right, I must have left the iron on, or I might have offended a loved one(when you really haven't). It's a feeling that just kind of makes you say to the question of how are you, "Ehh" with a shrug of your shoulders. First of all I suppose the good news is you will forget it next week, but the interesting thing is why you feel it at all.
Today I felt a blue day. The weather was great, business was good. I was not fired, and neither was I diagnosed with heart disease or Cancer. I drove all the way home in a car that did not need a flat repaired, and everything in my warm house filled with food and wine was just as I had left it. My dog in fact seemed oblivious to my feelings that something was just off a bit. I don't get it, she can supposedly detect an earthquake days before it occurs but she cant feel this? What is it, and what will make it go away?
I cant speak for you on this, I think we all need to develop a strategy, but for me a glass or two (not three or four)of wine, some music and if possible an hour to think or look at the sky helps a lot. None of this is magic where I suddenly feel like a million bucks but it often takes the edge off enough to enjoy the moment again, to put a good ending to a strange day. Good enough to call it memorable. There has been more than one evening that has ended this way where my finest moment, the one I spoke of the next day, that I still remember, happened alone, with the TV either off or muted, me on my deck looking up at the sky enjoying the clouds change colors as the sun set. Not every attempt is memorable but a few have been spectacular. And although I love Seinfeld, had I watched it instead I would have no memory at all of those days. Not one.

Work and our definition of ourself

2008-03-22T20:35:00.001-07:00

While sitting in a comfortable booth at a Starbucks up in the Issaquah area of Washington, a fire just in front of my feet, and busy, helpful and courteous workers behind me mixing up coffees in near endless varieties of whooshing sounds, I start to look around. The crowd in here is different than others I visit. It does not take a rocket scientist to predict what type of person would visit a particular store just based on the surrounding demographics but still, its extremely different from what I am used to and odd. I feel out of place, and definately stand out. The last time I stood out this much, and then it was more extreme was when I made a bad choice to stop for fast food in Phoenix in an area I was unfamiliar with. A very, very bad area. I do not remember at all what I ate, or even if I finished, but remember clearly how good I felt when the door closed and locked. Whew.
This is just as odd, just not as scary. Around me right now, in front, beside and all along the windows are women. Women with sweats on to be more precise. Lots of hair up in pony tails, lots of loose sweat pants and shirts, and strollers. I should mention it is about eleven o'clock in the morning on a thursday and i am in a suit working on my laptop. Now clearly taking a break(yes smartass). There are kids running around like its a romper room and no one is flinching or blinking twice when a chair tips over or a 9 month old begins to scream. This is a living room i just realized and its a playdate. I am the only male and I was not invited.
I look at the women and am not at all looking down at them, just wondering what is going on in their heads. Again, its noble to stay home with the kids, a good thing, both for the kid in most situations, and for society, but I dont understand the mentality of the women here. Its not so much the fact that the 'Dont touch' mentality/rule that I keep for my kids when at a store is not in effect here, its not the noise that goes ungrimmaced. Its not the fact that the store employees are picking up stuff that the kids drop, only to hear a very distant "Im Sorry" from an unattentive parent across the room. Its just a wonder about life that is so different from mine. Its not that mine is better, I will joke about theirs because its different, but I really dont see how they keep their sanity. How is it that one woman can do this and another could not in a million years imagine this life? How is it that I can love my kids as much as I do, spend as much time with them as I do, and not imagine for one second not having a career to keep me stimulated, stressed and excited.
The world I walked into there at that Starbucks was different than mine. These were women who could A. afford to stay home all day and meet friends for coffee, and B. wanted to. Again, there is nothing at all, not one thing wrong with this, but how do they do it? I think this leads me to a question, and I might not like the answer; Who defines our life, and by what definition do we define our own?
When I meet someone they inevidently ask me what I do at some point. Some sooner than others, especially if they are more interested in my wallet than my abilities with a BBQ. I always answer, and since I am proud to do what I do, I feel good about it. But why? When someone asks me "What do you do?" why is the answer immediately about work, and not something like, well I like to Rollerblade, salsa dance, jog with my dog and go out with friends for happy hours downtown. That is what I like to do, but my answer is never that, nor is anyone elses. The answer is about my work. It has become what defines me to me. That scares me a bit and even though I will probably never lose this job, it is my chosen career, if I did, what would I think of myself? Would I think less of myself, even though my closest friends would not? Would you think less of yourself were you to lose your great job?
When I imagine what it would be like to lose my job, and be asked "what do you do" while in between this job and the next, I cringe. I am truely proud to do what I do, and would be embarrased to not have it anymore. That scares me. My view of myself should be based on my charactor, my creativity, my attention to my family etc. Not my work first then all of the above later. But the longer the Title on your business card (if you even have them) the more important it is to you it seems. Those who get along fine without all the desires for upward mobility seem to put less pressure on themselves and I think might be ultimately more happy. A title is not who we are. But to society it matters a lot. More than it should.
I have been trying to for the last few months to not, when I meet someone new, ask them what they do. I dont want to know. I dont want that conversation to come up until i get to decide whether or not i even like them on face value. Sometimes he/she will ask first then i am stuck, but sometimes they dont. I think sometimes the other person does not want to play that game either and appreciates the lack of pressure. What if my job is better than theirs (seemingly to them) then how will that affect our ability to become friends? Or vice-versa. We should establish a friendship based on charactor not on who has the better job, fatter wallet, or bigger penis. Ok maybe that last one we should keep. That is clearly important! Just a thought.

Dating The Cheese Girl. Is this you?

2008-03-22T20:34:00.000-07:00

I am going to start this thought with an assumption. That assumption being that you have shoes in your closet right now, lots of them. Probably a pair or ten that have not smelled the fresh air of the outdoors in months, some years. A fetish some might call it, a passion others…some might not even go that far and would just say they like them. "I just like shoes". Others might not like the shoes so much as the shopping for the shoes. This, I don't understand, but neither do I understand what is going on in a woman's head when she is watching Entertainment Tonight. It's not really a problem I just don't 'get it'.

I suppose that is not entirely true, I have been instructed that women are information gatherers built very much like radar dishes but with boobs. The boobs I like. The rest to me seems like a waste of space and energy. Why it is important to know so many details about so many people is just not something a hetero man can really 'get'. I think those of us who try to understand at least understand, that there is a need there driving women to this, but what 'it' is just baffles us. It's just not for us to know. The universe can safely continue its' operation without our brains ever comprehending these thoughts by placing men on a "Need to know" basis. We don't need to know, because you women will do it one way or the other, regardless of what we understand or 'get'. You just don't really need us for this, in fact like dragging a midget along on a marathon, we would only slow you down.

What happens though when your closet is full of shoes? If you were to leave the closet alone, not add to it for some time, the ones you wear would get worn and the ones you don't would get what…. Dusty. Right. You would want, I assume, at some point to go get some new ones. Like I said some of you would even go further and get new ones when you have new ones, maybe even new ones you have not worn yet. This is close to criminal in my mind. But I know you are out there, in fact I might know one of these offenders. But after you have worn them all several times you can look in the closet and just see nothing of interest. Sigh. You will begin to feel the urge to update the population in this closet and add to the gene pool, right? Wearing the same ones gets old, no feeling of newness. No excitement. Just going round and round with the same bits of colorful leather.

What happens though when you are trying to date in a city and seem to have dated every eligible person of the opposite sex and found none favorable? Is it even possible to date an entire city of men, or women? If you were to do this, would you start the cycle again or just find a ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />new city? You can't very well, like your closet, just add to the gene pool. Populations in cities do vary, but without an incoming list you won't know where they are settling would you? Of course this seems impossible but I would like to tell you the story of The Cheese Girl.

During the last summer I was, as is normal for me, single and although I don't mind at all being single, I do like to stir the pot with new experiences from time to time. Last year the list included learning to Salsa dance (need more lessons), learning to golf (need many more lessons) and learning to rollerblade. This year learning to Scuba dive is on my list and taking a flying lesson too. Might not get to the goals but they are there anyway. It's just the way I think.

I got a call from Gordon a big friend of mine, "Five foot sixteen" he says, telling me there was a singles event going on at the downtown Nordstrom. Apparently Nordstrom was hosting this event to raise money for a great cause and were kind enough to close the entire store, all four floors, decorate the place, and place event stages on every floor with cocktail booths next to them. Free cocktails and hors d'oeuvres everywhere you looked and of course…single people. Lots of them and to my surprise, I suppose it shouldn't be living in Seattle, a large contingent of gays turned out too to really liven up the party. Boy did they ever. I experienced colors I did not know existed much less had names for.

The party began and really turned into a pretty nice affair. Nice assortment of people hitting on one another and me feeling just as out of place as llama in a swimming pool. That was okay, that was in fact the exact reason I went, to make myself uncomfortable and experience it. Get through the night so I can say I have done it, and who could say, maybe I would meet someone that night. Stranger things have happened.

Gordon had left my side earlier, as he had found a group of giants to talk to, and I was left by myself wandering around with a half finished glass of Merlot. I ended up by the main stage to watch the auction and near the end I noticed a tall girl standing next to me on my left. Hmm, I wondered, I wonder what she wants. Let it be known now that I am not nearly as smart as I look, okay?

It is right here I need to stop this story and take you back in time about four years or so to a date I had on Match.com. If you have not read about some of the others I think they are still posted on my blog somewhere, if not, I can re-post them. The worst ones turned into pretty good stories and who knows you or one of your friends might be on there somewhere. Anyway, I met this one particular woman at a fairly nice restaurant for dinner. This was before I figured out that meeting for a first date was something that not only was I expected to pay for, but if I did not want to be eating Top Ramen myself for the rest of the month, would have to keep it to just drinks and maybe an appetizer. Endless dating and dinners in Seattle could break any bank account regardless of its size. So there I was sitting with this nice, but very thin woman and I was both making small talk, which was not unpleasant, and also showing her the menu to order an appetizer to go with our wine.

She early on tells me that she has to admit to being very picky with her choice of foods. "Okay" I said, what wont you eat, as I look at this fairly gourmet menu. Several minutes went by as I stared at her while she rattled off all of the major food groups she wont eat leaving only, and I mean only a few types of fruits and vegetables, some pasta, and salads. She could honestly say nearly every food she would eat faster than trying to say the ones she won't. Of the salads only some would do and most of those that she considered edible were either plain Iceberg lettuce salads or those with generic dressings and no toppings. Uhm...Okay. I glanced back at the menu and realized we were both in trouble. Crab cakes included several things that she would not eat, mainly the crab, but even had that been another food that she would have partaken in, most of the fillers and spices were off the list so that was out. Artichoke dip…please, no. Not even close. Uhm no teriyaki tid-bits, because well they are made of meat and no meat of any kind was something that would pass her lips. I had not thought of this at the time but that clearly would have been a problem had we become a couple later on. So this left me with what I thought was my only option. Nachos. I hated to even offer them not wanting to sound both cheap and low-brow but hey I was out of options and the conversation was slowing quickly. I was getting nervous, we needed food to keep this going and so far there was nothing even ordered.

So I peek up over the menu that she has already put down in disgust and I suggest nachos. Hell everyone likes nachos right? Not everything on a normal order of Nachos is to everyone's liking but those can be either requested off or picked off right? So I say "how about Nachos?" And she sneers her most pleasant sneer and says no I don't eat Melted cheese. My face sort of got that scrunched up look you get when you are utterly baffled and are about to get run over by a 1914 Ford pickup truck, with 325,000 miles on it, driven by your dead grandfather in your own backyard. HUH!?? Shit, she does not like melted cheese, I said to myself. I think time began to slow down as I began to panic. My thoughts were racing, the last one only took a nanosecond and the next one, although I am sure would have moved quickly, was not even at the starting line. I did not know what to do or say to that. I was stumped. You don't eat melted cheese? Really? No melted cheese of any kind, and that is along with no meats, no virtually no vegetables, and no fruits. DAMN, how you stay vertical?

Okay I thought, I can save this. So I looked up with my best poker face and said what was going to be my Hail Mary pass to the end zone with two seconds left on the clock. Try to pull out a victory against all odds. I said "Well we could let the cheese get cold, then it will be hard again."

Silence.

Without so much as batting an eye, maybe out of weakness, she looks up and says "No, once it has been melted it is ruined." At that moment most of the corpses in Ethiopia were turning over in their graves simultaneously, causing who knows how much damage to that poor country.

Check Please!

Get me the hell out of here I thought, how can this be? What restaurant in Hell does she visit that would serve the food that she would consider edible, and who in their right mind would pay money for it? NONE! That's how many exist here in Seattle, NONE! This was over.

I should say this in her defense, she was nice and the conversation was not at all terrible. It just was not working out.

Now, let me bring you back to the woman standing next to me at the Nordstrom singles event. I say hi, asked a question (I have no idea what it was or whether it was funny or not), and we got to talking. Turned out she worked in my field, and knew some of the same people and even thought she might have met me or seen me at a convention sometime. "Very possible" I said because I often stand out in front of the booth at our yearly conventions and say hi to people walking around, and of course notice the prettier ones.
I hand her my card and she writes her number on it and after some more pleasantries, I am ready to find Gordon to say goodbye. We drove separately so I would be leaving alone, and he was still with the giant people, so I found him shook his hand and left.

A couple of weeks later I decide to give this woman a call and ask her out and I did just that. We met downtown at a nice place in Bel-Town and ordered some wine and began chatting it up. Shop talk mostly. Work, who do you know, who do I know etc. Not bad all in all.

I ordered some chips and hummus to snack on and asked if she was hungry and she said no not really but would snack on the chips. Okay no problem. After the hummus was gone I ordered some very nicely prepared fish which she wanted nothing to do with and was about to order something else for us, a dish with melted cheese on top when she stopped me and turned my blood to ice. She said "I don't eat melted cheese"

Oh dear God, no! It can't be. I looked up, slapped my hand on the table and nearly exploded. "We have been out before!!"

She did not get it. The words seemed to freeze her face and body, maybe her grandfather was about to run her over in her back yard at that moment I don't know, but she just sat there on my left and stared. "Remember way back, that restaurant, I ordered Nachos?" I said some more things to jog her nutrition starved mind and it hit her. "You are the 'name of the restaurant' Guy!" I won't name the restaurant because I hope to visit it again. "Yes I am, and we have been out before". I was not sure that having a 'name' was a good thing, but so did she, so it was even. "Yes, and you are The Cheese girl".

I was out with the Cheese girl and had no idea that it was her until she said that now famous phrase "I don't eat melted cheese". I had apparently dated the entire city of Seattle, and had begun all over again, with one of my earliest rejections. What are the odds of that I wondered, after paying the bill, giving a polite hug and heading out. I wondered again, what are the odds of that?

Are you faking it? You know what I am talking about

2008-03-22T20:33:00.001-07:00

There have been times where I have been traveling either abroad or within the country but to a small town located in the middle of what seems to me to be nowhere and I come across people who seem to me to be moving slower than myself. Seem simpler somehow. I completely recognize that this is an arrogant statement but still I think about it. I see them smile and laugh and move through their days like anyone else, I see their faces, their glasses, their beards and they seem to look just like anyone I would know from the city, except for the fact that they are moving at a snails pace, seem unaware of the bigger world.
I was in a small town in Ohio a while back and toured a manufacturing plant there. The manufacturing process was amazing. People actually making with their hands parts, and components needed to put together what it was that they were making. Some people would spend the entire day polishing buckets of bolts to a high shine, one after the other. Over and over. Others would push large pieces of metal through machines that would 'paint' them with a powder coating. The pieces would travel along a system of wires and pulleys hanging much like the meat did in the cooler of the first Rocky movie. They were endless, really endless. There was no end to the pieces. No way to say "I am done or close to done", ever! They just kept coming. Others would sharpen instruments with grinding wheels. On one side would be a box full of hundreds of dull instruments and on the other side a box with maybe five finished ones. One woman was bent over the grinding wheel working with two people on either side doing the same thing wearing a large plastic visor with a small desk lamp illuminating what it was she was doing. She could not talk to anyone because of the noise and the visors, she could not see anything other than the wheel, and she could not move out of her seat. How many had she done today, this week, or this month? My god, how many had she done in the last year, and worst of all how many will she do tomorrow? How does she get up in the morning? What makes her smile?
Later that afternoon I was privileged to be taken into town for dinner. It was Andy Griffith's Mayberry but in full color. Wow. I was just amazed with what I saw and how my head kept twisting from side to side as I saw things and peoples activities that kept surprising me. Not a thing wrong with anything I saw there at all. Good people who were living their lives, just living them differently. Just different enough to make me feel funny as I gawked. I realize now that I should be honest and need to take back the first statement about there being nothing wrong. There was something wrong, very wrong, but the scale of the problem was beyond anything I could imagine fixing so I left it alone tried to ignore it. It was the mullets. Guys and gals, kids and grannies, mullets of all shapes, sizes and colors were on display and most amazingly was that each of them seemed to have no problem getting laid. They were not out of style there yet.
As I sat in the lounge waiting with my colleagues for our table, I began looking more closely around me at the people. Outside the window were people walking around wearing sweat shirts with a high school mascot and name on them. Lots of them. I looked inside the restaurant and sure enough there was another. No where did I see an Ohio State sweatshirt or any of the nearby rivals, but rather high school sweatshirts only. If it weren't for me noticing this I would not have made sense of what the two men behind me were talking about. One of them was talking about the game on Saturday and who all was going. The other who was also about forty, was saying that he and his wife would be there early for this activity or for that one.
These were grown men and women who were going to see a high school football game on Saturday night and were excited about it, not for the fact that their kids necessarily were playing in it but rather because that is what they wanted to do that night. Apparently lots of people wanted to too.
Would it be possible for me to be dropped into this town and find happiness in it? Could I make peace with the fact that the highlight of my week would be the big game on Saturday night? That that would be the place I took my date, yikes, my first dates? Would I be able to slow down enough to find that peaceful and not hellishly slow? And most importantly how is it that they are perfectly at ease with it? Would I be happier living at that speed if I did not know any differently? Are they happier?
Most days, far and away most days, I am upbeat and happy to be simply doing what it is I am doing, whatever it might be. Might be just the routine of work, or picking up my kids. Might be my time at the gym or sitting down and writing to get a thought out of my head. A lot of my writings in fact come from simple thoughts that stick just like this one. Usually they are associated with some emotion that has me confused, at a loss for some reason. I might just have a feeling in my stomach that I can't figure out. Why am I feeling this way? What is it that has me bothered? When I feel unusually happy, again for no apparent reason I just go with it, feels good so don't mess with a good thing, after all life is pretty damn good if we are looking at the good parts. But when it is a bad feeling I try to get to the bottom of it before I go drink it away.
We all get down don't we? It happens to everyone, sometimes for a great reason that is obvious, sometimes for reasons like I am talking about now, kinda obscure ones. But we all try to put on a game face and go out and smile don't we? Go about and try look happy. Couples are the worst aren't they? The talk days after a break up is often about how no one can believe that they are breaking up, they looked so happy together. They seemed like such a great couple with everything going for them. This leads me to the question; are we all faking it? Are those in the small town faking it, or are the complexities of city life making it harder to be real, to be really happy?
There is an old expression that I think about often because I think it is so useful in so many situations and it simply goes like this. Fake it till' you make it. Yeah, that is my mantra for just about everything. Fake it till' you make it. If I am working on something new and maybe a bit out of my league I will act the part of someone who is good and confident at it until I get the hang of it. If I am depressed I will try to put on a happy face and more often than not by reaching out with a smile, someone else will actually bring me closer to happiness by returning it. Maybe starting up what might seem like a pointless conversation with someone I don't really want to talk with, but doing it with a smile actually tricks my body into thinking that I am feeling better. It's a tool that I pull out to try to improve what is otherwise a "blue day". Often it works, sometimes it doesn't but either way I am honing the tool and trying to improve it for next time when I need to pull it out. However a friend of mine who was feeling very depressed about things in general was surprised to learn that I ever felt down, and I was surprised that she was surprised. "Of course I get down, I am not happy with everything in my life" I said. And she was so sure I was wrong, maybe that I was lying that she challenged me on it and said "Name one thing". She was so sure that some people like me apparently were blessed with happy lives there must be others, like her I guess who were cursed with unhappy ones.
Gee, just one? I thought. Where do I start? There are so many things I am not happy about, so many things that keep me depressed if I dwell on them, from where I am at financially, to lost loves and singlehood, my skinny legs, to the spots on my bedroom carpet. In between each of those is a whole host of other things but I needed to focus now to make a point for her. So I started with simple things that I felt I needed to work on. The outside of my house is not nice. The inside however is very comfortable. The outside, I am sure makes most of my neighbors want to firebomb the place to get rid of it. All of their property values would instantly jump if my house was burned tomorrow even if they left the charred ruins in its place, and I sure that they all know it. I am embarrassed of the outside of my house. There, now it is out there.
Financially, well I am doing fine by just about all standards but I have done better, which means that I am living below where I used to. That kind of sucks. I have seen my business doing better and am now working very hard to get it back up there, but right now I am embarrassed by my business and the level of success I am having there. I don't like to talk about it because it makes me feel worse.
My dog is the culprit for several of the reoccurring spots, several I will take credit for too but the ones that keep coming back in different places are hers. I don't really get it why she does this but when she eats she grabs a mouthful of dry food and walks somewhere else in the house to eat it. Not always where I am at, sometimes just to the dark hallway. Other times late at night walking from the kitchen all the way down the hallway, to my bedroom where she drops a mouthful of now well moistened kernels of Science Diet onto the floor and eats them up a few at a time. There are always spots left after this and I am helpless to do anything about it. I still prefer this even with the leftover spots to the hallway, which I mentioned is often dark, because she at times misses a few of those kernels. There is nothing quite like running through the house to get the phone or the door and stepping on a "DAMMIT" late at night. I am guessing that visiting Tahiti and being forced to walk on hot coals would hurt less. As far as the spots that I am embarrassed about and what to do about them I am still at a loss. I am a man not a terrible housekeeper but not a great one either, so they stay there for quite a while. Its a constant source of annoyment and embarrassment. How do I get them out anyway without renting a cleaner? Bah.
Lastly I was single too I had to remind her. I was not blissly in a relationship cruising towards old age with my partner in life. I was coming home alone and going to sleep alone every night just like her. Single hood is not a unique adventure.
After I was done, she started picking each of my complaints apart as easy to fix even giving simple suggestions on how to do it. First she had my house fixed and taken care of by early summer, then the spots, then helped me put into perspective how I am doing and how things are growing for me. What I found interesting is that yes all of these things are on my mind along with of course normal life stresses, but that she, with how difficult it was for her to find happiness, could find answers to all of my issues so easily. Could so easily find happiness in my problems. She was making me feel better about myself, when she could not make herself feel better.
I think maybe I faked it too well in this case, or maybe we all need to fake it better. Maybe she needs to learn to fake it till you make it, or maybe we should all stop faking at all. True happiness is with all of us, some more than others it seems, so I am not talking about just being happy, but rather letting the down times show to others. Should we keep our heavy stones, our problems, to ourselves rather than giving them to others to carry with us? If I have complaints should I keep them quiet in my head or voice them to another which might bring them down?
Another friend has cancer right now as I write this. She has been dealing with it since about October of last year, has lost all of her hair, is tired all the time, has lost weight, and still goes to work everyday. What does she have to look forward to? Well she is in chemo right now and the next step is Radiation therapy. After that, hopefully a normal life, well I think better to say, hopefully life. Yet when I ask her how she is doing she says "Oh fine" with a tired smile. It's a knowing smile too. She knows that I know she is not fine, but what is the point, I guess she thinks, of voicing it. She is as fine as she could be, and does not want to share all of the details with me. I am thankful.
Life is about compromise, everywhere we go compromise. We cannot change others and they cannot change us, but together we might be able to move closer towards the middle to meet. I think emotions are like that too. If we are truly depressed for a good reason, maybe a death in the family, or a lost income, or any number of truly tough situations we can do nothing more than put on a happy face and move forward. That is the best I think we can do. Move towards the center emotionally by acting a bit happier than we really feel, and often this will bring out better emotions from those around us. That is faking it and some might say this is the problem with the West Coast. I have heard this from East Coasters, that we are not honest enough. That we are acting all the time, and saying we are great when we might not be. "How are you?" "Great, You?" The East Coast seems to have no problem being honest about how they feel if you ask them how they are doing but which is better? East Coast, West Coast or small town? Who is the happiest?
Are we built with a certain level of happiness in us, or are we able to manipulate it at will? Do geographic differences factor into our level of lifetime happiness? Can we transplant ourselves to gain the benefit if there were?
I don't know the answers to any of these things, maybe you do, if so say so. Tell me, tell the world. But I do believe that at whatever threshold we are individually as far as happiness goes, our emotions are like the tides. They will come and go. There would never be a high tide if there was not a low tide, so I guess that is just life.

Forest Gumps Life parable. Huh?

2008-03-22T20:32:00.001-07:00

I once heard someone trying to describe some of the differences between eastern and western culture and being too numerous to mention, or remember, I held onto one point that has made a difference for me in my life. Somehow I held onto, in my undersized and over filled pea-sized brain, the one point that was probably the most important of the entire interview. Life has not become smoother, or less challenging, I don't become glum less, or live life to its most extreme because of it, but I do have a sense of peace and self that is not shared by many. Because I heard this and keep it at the forefront of my mind daily, I feel that I am rarely surprised with disasters anymore. Never blindsided by the unexpected. All I do is keep thinking this thought.
I am guessing that if we asked a hundred people on the street what the biggest difference, they believe, would be between the Far East culture and the West, when speaking of the people themselves, many would guess work-ethic. I think that would have been my guess before listening to this interview. Or maybe just being smarter. Seemed the only people I ever wanted to cheat off of in school were the Asians and that was just because they did better than I did in just about every subject with the firm exception of P.E. and shower. Not a bad stereo-type I think. Better than the one the Asian women get when behind the wheel of a car anyway. Well both are well deserved so I suppose in the cosmic sense they even out a bit. Either they are smarter, or harder working, either way they are achieving better results, at least that was the belief held by many around me including me, and it seemed to play out a lot so we all accepted it. Asians just worked harder and were smarter than the rest of us. And had smaller penis's.
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Take a look at a Japanese factory vs. one based in Detroit and you might get another impression of efficiency and cleanliness. Their plants are just tidier, the workers a bit more polished looking, and of course the companies themselves, regardless your belief of which car is best, are kicking the world's ass in business. Maybe something along one of these lines would have been what you would have guessed. But that is still not what I heard that made such a difference for me.

Maybe it is their supposed frugality, where we see parents working incredibly long hour's 6-days a week and actually saving their money. How did they get their own restaurant on the corner with the fancy sign anyway? They barely speak English. What is your excuse? Must be the government right giving money to the wrong people. Hmmm. Okay. Go with that if it works for you. But I am guessing your TV is on a lot more than theirs, and is probably bigger and fancier too. Regardless, this not my point. And frugality is not what I heard.

It's not even all of these put together that made so much sense to me as to change my view of myself, my possessions, and my future. Add them up and what would you have? Someone who is on average smarter, harder working, a bad driver or has a small penis (not both)cleaner and more frugal than the rest of us. Hell I would date that! Sounds like a winner to me. Well who knows, gotta start somewhere and that sounds like a good place, but what I heard that changed my life was this. First before I go there, let me ask you what happens now when your new car gets a door ding at the local grocery store? No, lets make this harder. What if a family member, maybe a child is the culprit and you saw it happen. If your car is not new now, remember when it was. If it is new now, go ahead and put yourself there. What are your emotions right at that moment? Would it be something like "ARRRRGGGHHH, My new CAR!!" "Look what you did to my new car!" Maybe it is a spill on the leather, ooh or maybe a pen mark. God I hate those. How would you feel? Crazy is my guess. It is how I would have felt. Brand new paint, brand new leather now tarnished.

How about if someone in your family gets sick, very sick. Maybe dies. I don't know, maybe it's a parent, well they are getting older so it might be expected, maybe it's a sibling, or a spouse, or god-help us maybe it's a child. Maybe it is you. Could be a car accident, could just be genetics or what you do after you get home from work that is bringing on the sickness or disease. What would your first thought be? I am not trying to guess what that thought would be, it could be anything but I wonder if "Why, now" or "Why me" or "Why so soon" would be a thought somewhere in there.

These scenarios are endless, like a marriage that is breaking up, two lovers (you being one of them) who pledged their life to one another only to be asking for referrals for a good lawyer two-three years later. Why is this all surprising? Why are you surprised that your tire just got a flat, that a family member just got sick, or that your relationship did not go forever? It's the way we here in the West think.

It's their attitude of the future that is allowing a sense of peace for one person even in light of all of these things. Not bliss mind you sadness will occur in any of these situations, but peace is attained when our minds are shifted from what we expect to what will probably be. What the hell does that mean? Who does he think he is now anyway? Suddenly he thinks he is a bald monk with a long white beard, floating on a cloud of steam crosslegged, high on a peak in Tibet passing out wisdom. Well no…but hmmm. I like it.

The biggest difference I see is what you expect will happen and what will happen. There is a belief in the east that, and Forest Gump apparently put it on a T-Shirt, that says Shit Happens. That is it. That is the difference. Get that into your everyday thinking and life will suddenly not be perfect but will be manageable. Those in the East expect for bad things to happen, not in a pessimistic way, but in a real sort of way. You can be absolutely sure when you buy that new car tomorrow at some point in the near future, and I mean within a year, you will have a nick, ding or scrape somewhere. FOR SURE! You can be sure of it because the only cars that are perfect and are 5 years or older are re-conditioned ones. There is a flaw in every car and not one owner wanted it that way. After a while when you get a ding, you stop noticing it, but when you get another its like life just came to a grinding halt. "ANOTHER!??" Well yeah. Duh. It happens. Shit happens.

If you were to instead get that car, and have a loving talk with it before you go to sleep that night and say something like, "Car, I love you. You are the most beautiful thing in my life(More so than my wife or kids) and I am sooo proud to own you, but I know you are going to get a few nicks, dings and scratches both inside and out as I own you, I realize you will not be perfect forever, but I am going to really try to make the best of it. Really try to fix what I can when it occurs and move on with my day" "I wont kill those that make the ding because it was bound to happen, the universe is an imperfect place, hell it could have just as easy of been a meteor." "Shit will happen to you, but in my eyes you will always be beautiful."
Now six months later your kid or best friend or spouse whacks the door into a telephone pole and marks the edge. What are you going to do? Well getting mad is okay, everyone gets mad, but remember that it was absolutely inevitable. Decide whether or not you can fix it, and be glad it was not worse. Because the next time it probably will be.

What if we went into every situation with that mentality? How about your new love? Have you said to someone in your life that you promise to stay with them forever? Did you really mean it at the time? Are you still with that person? Show of hands in the audience. Two? Way back in the corner? Well good for you that is awesome. But what about the rest of us? Were we lying, stupid or deceived? No, no and no. Well some of each may have been involved but please don't comment about those, unless its funny. Did we verbally say we knew it would be "hard" to those around us, but really believed that it would just work out? When people say it is going to be 'hard', they are really saying hey Shit will Happen and you both need to start expecting it now so when it does, you can say "Ahhh, here it is, the ding in our relationship everyone told us was going to happen. Well can we fix it? A little paint here or there?" You knew it would happen after all, so why not prepare for it? If you know for sure, absolutely for sure that at some point in your driving life you will get a flat tire, and it will for sure be at the most inopportune time, why don't you have AAA? Why don't you know how to easily change a flat? Why are you not prepared for it, because it should not be a surprise. Its going to happen. Why when your washer breaks or your engine dies is coming up with five hundred bucks so hard? These things are going to happen, you will blow out a tire, blow out an engine or at least blow out some underwear, so where is your cash for it? WHERE? Most disasters cost less than five hundred bucks, they will happen to you, and will ruin your day, maybe your week or month if you don't have it in the bank. BUT….oh here is the good part. IF you do. Then what? Heee. See how good it feels when your engine breaks, and the mechanic says well that is going to be five hundred and forty two dollars to fix. And all you have to think is "Uhm, well this sucks, but okay" Write a check, and start to prepare for the next one, hoping it does not happen before you replenish.

Bad stuff in our lives is going to happen. Sometimes all at once like in that Mark Walberg movie The Perfect Storm. Three big disasters that on their own could be manageable, stressful as hell but manageable come together at the same time to create a chaos in your life that is just too much. Well that is life too, but then its time to call out for help. Send up some red flares and rally the troops. Those you call will be much more eager to help this time because you did not bug them for that five hundred buck six months ago for the car.

Next time you get into a relationship with that seemingly perfect someone, tell yourself that you will be okay without this person if the worst should happen. Keep reminding yourself of that too. Never think "Ahhh I have finally arrived at paradise. From here on out I am a happily married person" No, you are an individual who will be fine on their own regardless. You don't need anyone, however you can make life much more pleasant with the right partner in it. Go for the good stuff, relationships are great. Marriage is great, I am all for it, and hope to be again one day. But I will expect there to be issues, I will expect to confront the possibility of that person not being in my life at some point, and will just do whatever I can to keep that from happening. Falling in love means neither a perfect future nor a loss of self. If it did, the world would be full of lost souls, losers who could not make it. But it isn't. It is full of people who are moving on. Start thinking down every road, inside every door is an opportunity, but also a problem waiting to happen. You can solve them and will overcome them, but now you can anticipate them. Are you ready?

Sex and the Car salesman

2008-03-22T20:31:00.001-07:00

With the enormous variety of people on this planet at any given time, it is impossible to speak broadly enough to encompass everyone in any one thought or idea, or narrow down a thought far enough to be clear and universal and still be pertinent to the masses. I think that the two topics that most illustrate this point are religion and sex.

As far as religion go, let's just not go there. There are just too many spin offs of too many base religions and then too many people who cherry pick what they believe from their given structure, the one they are most familiar with, to be able to group together anyone cohesively. I go to church, I like my church, but don't agree with everything my pastor says, and would probably, in the right environment, enjoy another denomination just as much. I cherry pick my beliefs, and I bet you do too. Even within the same church walls we differ.

So before I go any further into exploring the male brain for those of you that are interested in it, let me say that I will generalize and there is nothing much I can do about it. You may not fit into what I say, and that is fine. No one fits perfectly, but I will open up the doors and this might improve your chances of getting more out of whatever it is you are looking for. Figure out what is going on, and then learn what you can do about it to make it fit your goals.

What is going on in a male brain when it comes to sex? Well that is pretty easy on the surface and honestly pretty easy down a few inches too, maybe Six? But what is going on in your brain when it comes to sex? That is the more important question. What do you expect from a first date, a fifth date, a long term relationship? What do you want a year from now, or ten? What do you really want and more importantly if you can figure out the answer to that question, what are you willing to give up to get it? If its just sex and fun, then great you are not who I am talking to. I am talking to those of you who want more than that.

When you go to a car dealership everyone knows what it is that you want and in general it's a car. If you spend a little time looking at one particular car everyone who is paying attention, and they always are, knows which one you are interested in. The only question is how to get past the known objections, of which there are only a few that are common, that you will toss half heartedly their way, to get you to buy the car. Regardless of how much money you make or how you made it, regardless of how sharp a suit or what color sweats you wore, they know what you want, and are betting that with their words they can get you to lay down. Lie down and say AHHHH. You hate this. We all hate it. We know they know, and we try to be the tough one, the strong one. The one that will not get pushed around. We want so badly to be the one in control but absolutely are not when we play this game on their grounds. They are. They will give up a little to get a lot. They will smile, nod, and offer up their 'everything' to help you get what you already want. Truly they are doing nothing more than that. Just capitalizing on the fact that this game has few variations and as long as they can keep you within that field, they will win out.

Without going into all of the things that you can do wrong here, there is only one that really matters. There is only one thing that you can do wrong that affects everything else. It's what puts the cards in their hands, gives them control over you. What could that be with the endless variety of people out there, what one thing could be so universal? Its time. Are you willing to walk away today and really mean it. Are you willing to walk away from what you think is a great deal on a car that gives you a proverbial boner and go home in your piece of shit that has a muffler dragging and making sparks on the pavement behind you? Or do you just want it so bad you are willing to accept their 'best offer', willing to take what is offered as a 'last offer' so you can drive it home?

Sex is the same way, but before we go there, lets finish this one. Go to a car dealership next time you are thinking about it, maybe go there tomorrow to practice. What do you care if you use some of their time and drive a few cars just for fun. But if you are serious go to the dealership with one thing in mind. You have to know that you want 'This type of car', and are only willing to let them earn a fair amount of profit. They wont sell a car below their cost so forget being able to steal from them, just be fair. 500 bucks is fair for any car. Figure out what you want before you spend any real time at the lot. Homework. Figure it out long before you make any friends of salespeople, and certainly before you agree to go inside. Just walk around and ask for privacy. Ask, with a smile, to just be allowed to browse. Maybe take their card as a sign of goodwill but do not let them walk around with you. Its not time yet for that. If you don't see anything, don't ask them for what you are looking for, leave. Go to another lot, or go look on the internet. Leave though. This is your time for shopping alone.

If you find a car you like, or know of one you like, look at it carefully. Look at the options it offers that are easy to see, maybe write it down quickly, then leave showing no interest with the guys card, and find as similar a car as you can on another lot. If you don't see one, look on the internet until you do, you need a reference point and need a competitor. I mean NEED.

Lets say you now have two similar cars, both of which you would be happy to drive ( and I mean that) both with similar options and are of the same year make and model. Now go back to the first one, the one you took the card from. Lets say the price was 32,500. Walk back over and admire the car till your sucker comes back. Make sure it's the same guy, and mention his name if someone else comes out. If he is there, he will come out. And immediately get a hard on. Its like the chick at the bar who rejected him, just came back and the game is back on. Like many board games we know what he wants, and we know his first move and that is to get your trust with fake smiles and friendship. Fine. Play along. But play happy and ignorant. Not cold and bitchy. Just keep admiring the car, but say something like "Wow this is gorgeous but unfortunately its just out of my range" He will ask what your range is and I would say something like '$27,500 and that is all I have". He will usually try to get you thinking and talking in terms of payment here and will ask what you want for a payment, but say that is not as important as the exact price because I only have this much budgeted. Then I would sigh, smile and say well its just out of my range I guess, thanks for your help. Now the game has changed away from what he is used to, and it will take him out of his element, now he is in save the possible sale mode, and dropping price mode. He will ask you to wait while he checks with his manager, then will quote another price. Somewhere a bit lower but not near what you really want. Tell him, and really sounding appreciative and meek say "Thanks so much, but I really just cant go any higher than 27,500 I would buy it if I could" (Smile) "Thanks for trying, I really appreciate your help, but if anything changes on this car, please call me, here is my number." Then leave and wait for him to call you with a better deal. You may not get that car for 27500, or at all, but I bet you do, or come very close. You got him working for you against his manager, trying to get the price you want so he can close a sale and get a commission right now, rather than working with his manager trying to maximize a commission. He just wants one now. .

This is exactly how the game goes with guys and gals at a bar. And as a female you have to know what your game is going in, because the guy will be saying what you want to hear as best he can to get into your pants. Maybe that is what you want, fine. But maybe you are hoping to get lucky and meet a really good guy, and you know what, you might have. He might be the one who has had a few drinks and is trying to get into your pants right now. He might be a real good one….probably not, but Might! But to find out you have to know how his brain works when it comes to sex.

Sex for a man is not just an animal instinctual behavior, nor is it just a romantic passionate behavior. It can be both, either, but never both with the same woman. That is an important point, it cannot ever be both with the same woman. True, your man who loves you, and has made love to you, can go crazy with you and cut loose, that is not what I mean. The instinctual drive to get laid I mean is the single mindedness with which a lot of guys spend their time in. Each Friday and Saturday they look forward to another notch on the belt, another conquest, another one night stand. I am assuming that you are smart enough right now already, to recognize this type and I think the only ones who wake up with those guys are the female equivalents. No one is surprised in the morning that he is leaving without asking for a phone number. But any guy who begins to get attention from an attractive woman will have that at the forefront of their minds at first regardless of his true nature. Rarely does he begin by hoping for a long term relationship, meaningful relationship, while you are giggling, and sipping a vodka tonic twirling your hair. The thought is Quite simply…"Maybe I am going to get lucky".

A mans brain will categorize a person right away. Its sort of a hierarchy of people. Every man a guy meets is categorized into a place of being either superior or inferior to him. The degree of separation is noted then they either play out those roles or get past it to friendship. But when meeting a woman who shows interest the initial placement is into a toy category. From there it is the woman's words, and actions that either confirm this or change it. Whether she accepts the role, or throws it back at him. But when a man meets a woman then uses that woman as a toy in bed before truly getting to know her, the role is stuck. She is now either a toy or an annoyance. Never, can a man who felt that way initially about a woman ever fall in love with her after that.

Respect has to be earned, and that is up to you. You cannot put it to words and demand it. It does not work that way. For this to have a chance you need to talk. He needs to find you interesting enough to want to talk back. He needs to find you attractive from the inside before you allow him to sleep with you. You need to know it is true too, because that is part of the game. Respect comes from a woman who makes a man wait, but is entertaining enough to make the man enjoy her company. Make her into a friend. Until the respect is earned there is no chance for anything more than just the toy type of sex, never a chance for you to turn it. But once a man really enjoys your company, really wants to be with you, then the sex becomes romantic. Loving and caring. If he will walk away because he had to wait, then he was not ready for anything more. If you were to try you would only keep him as long as the sex stayed exciting and there were no dramatic problems. So many of you lie to yourselves that by keeping him placated with sex there is a chance…There isn't. None, ever! He has the control emotionally because the bar is set pretty low with you. If the drama becomes more trouble than the sex is worth either you give in, or he walks. You have to be able to walk away from this in the beginning, just like the car. You have to be willing to lose a guy that you think could really be a good buy, to ever be able to truly have him. Change the game, get him out of his element, and watch how he shows his true colors, shows his true heart and shows his true intentions.

The Sixth Sense...and our Tummys

2008-03-22T20:30:00.001-07:00

Five senses are the norm for most people right? Some will claim they have a six sense, others will claim that there is more to the world than just what we can hear, see, taste touch and smell. Some will say there is a whole set of feelings and emotions that we should try to be in touch with, that they will know more about their surroundings because they are in touch with them. Well, maybe. I will say that right now I am optimistically skeptical about that. I don't believe in Ghosts, ESP or UFO's but I will tell you that I would like to very much. Unfortunately that will take more than a good story by a credible person to convince me. It will take personal experience or hard proof. Nothing would turn me on more than to be getting ready for a shower, wipe away the fog from the mirror and see a face staring back at me that is not mine. Being that I am already in the bathroom I think the cleanup would be easier too. Short of personal experience I cannot be convinced.

But right now, although I feel very in tuned with my ability to read between the lines and pick up 'vibes' from people, I would say that I think we are stuck with what we were given. If we want to feel something we have to touch it, if we want to taste it we have to put it in our mouths etc. But this leads to the question is that really it? Assuming for a moment that supernatural things are not real, is that really all we have? If so, how is it that our stomachs can feel something that cannot be seen, touched, smelled or heard, our stomachs can 'feel' emotion.

Stomachs can feel full, can feel sick (personally I think sushi should be outlawed for this reason), feel hungry, and in my case, I am sure not yours, feel gassy. Living alone that is not really a problem for me, luckily my little girl dog can't complain otherwise I might feel guilt, but I just feel it adds character to my house. Slowly adding color and texture to the walls and ceiling that would be impossible to duplicate at Sherwin Williams. But mine feels emotions too. All sorts. When I am happy, at my most relaxed it is a feeling of being full of clean air. Almost buoyant from the middle out. I just keep taking deep breaths of air to fill myself up and exhale slowly while my muscles loosen and relax.

When I feel guilt, which is rare. It is a 'pain' that lies in my stomach. It nags at me reminding me that what I did, or said was probably not the right thing to do. Makes it impossible for me to move on in my day without suffering from my actions. Keeps me from trying to just forget what I did, blow it off, and move on. Its my own judge, jury and executioner.

When I felt heartbreak I lost control of my interior entirely. My stomach was an alien I wanted to remove. Wanted desperately to get that pain out of my middle and forget. If I could have cut it out I would have. It is possible for me to understand now how someone, with less fortitude than myself would kill themselves to escape the pain. It just permeated every moment, of every day. Blocking out sleep, making food unpalatable and rendering my ability to concentrate on my work next to impossible. Just when I would think I had moved on, a smell, or a song, maybe a comment would bring it right back. Time being the only cure is a slow one to heal. Each day's improvement is not noticeable from the inside. Maybe week to week a friend might recognize the changes, but when it is you it feels unchanging day after day. Years later it is gone, but the fear of re-experiencing that is no less than the fear of accidentally drinking the water in ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Mexico.

As bad as that is, and there is not much worse (don't try to fill in this blank we know there are worse things), there is one emotion that our stomach feels that some can never escape from. Never fully move past. Doubt. The question of whether or not your significant other is being honest, is not cheating, is thinking of you and is still committed to you can appear forever. The question to ponder here, for those of you who have experienced this, and I expect the number is high, once you have been cheated on, realized that your 'sixth sense', your bullshit detector did not work, can you ever be fully trusting again?

I expect to hear from someone who says "Yes", just move on, be bigger than the problem, and don't let your past punish the one you are with. Fine. I get it, I am not perfect. But I hear stories of women who were cheated on years earlier, are now happily married five, ten and one twenty years later, and yet when something does not fit suspicion crawls in. Doubt sneaks back in and starts creating imagined stories in our heads of possibilities, rehashing conversations and words looking for red flags. I assume that our stomachs, for some reason, has been made the central nervous system recognition center for emotions.

The last woman who cheated on me, which was years ago, and with a mutual friend, came to my bed one night and pointed out three bruises that were a above her hip and slightly towards her back, but definitely on her waist. They were in the perfect shape of a hand and fingers. She pointed them out and said "I know what that looks like but it isn't what you think." Okay, I said, fine. I trusted, there was skepticism but not much. I blindly accepted what was told to me because I believe that others will treat me with honesty just like I would with them. I still don't know for a fact those were not caused by something she bumped into, maybe they were, its ancient history now, but she is now married to the guy who she left me for. The guy who she was seeing at that time.

Did my bullshit detector fail? I don't know. What if I had my detector turned up a bit higher would I have overreacted there when that set of bruises might have been honestly explainable opening up a whole new set of issues? How do we re-set that dial to keep ourselves in tune with reality, in tune with the fact that 20-50 percent of all people, men and women have cheated or will cheat on their spouses or significant others, and still live a life free of that feeling of suspicion? That feeling of being taken, cheated, made a fool of.

I have always lived my life giving my significant other one hundred percent trust until there is reason to doubt. Life feels better trusting than doubting. I would rather believe that this person is as honest as I am, that this person would end my relationship before starting another, but it is just not always reality. The older we get, the more we date, the more we are in long term relationships, the more jaded we become because we get a chance to realize that others have imperfections, make mistakes and sometimes take advantage. Yet there is still happiness to be found in relationships so we peruse them. Each time we are let down we add that stone to our bag of rocks we are carrying around and bring it along to our next relationship. Sometimes therapists, counselors or life coaches can help us to toss some of those rocks away, lightening the load and making both our lives easier and that of our spouse. But some can only be buried, not tossed. Maybe forever, but maybe just until another set of unexplained bruises show up.

I listened to a local radio show the other day about whether or not women would prefer their men to gain some weight while in their relationship with them. Many, when put on the spot, would have to laugh and say that yes, if they knew their man was less attractive to other women, they would feel more comfortable. They would, in some cases, sabotage their men's attempts to lose weight, or begin exercise programs subconsciously. I have asked women about this face to face and none would admit this, or would say no they want their guy to look good forever. Fine, either the study was wrong, or my friends and acquaintances are universally more trusting than average. Personally I get an ego stroke when another guy looks at my woman. I am comfortable with that, but with an attractive person comes the increased opportunity for 'other options'. Men and women will pursue another even if they know that person is in a relationship and sometimes just because they are in a relationship if they are pursuing just for sex. Add alcohol and a night out, or weekend out of town and putting your head in the sand starts to sounds silly.

Are you in a relationship, where the other person, has given you no reason at all to doubt them, been nothing but a perfect partner, but find yourself with doubt? If something is out of place, a piece of clothing appears, or disappears do you feel you have the right to accuse them, or even question them. If they are honest then you will ruin their mood, maybe their day by showing them you doubt, and it also makes you look insecure. Maybe drive a little wedge between the two of you, and make it harder to bring up the next time something like lipstick appears on a collar. Hmmm, was it from a simple hug or something more? Does that perfume smell too strong or just right from a simple night out discussing business with a colleague and old friend or should you be worried. If there is nothing going on, then you are ruining your day for nothing, allowing the stones in your bag to pull you under the water making it hard to breathe. If there is something going on, you would want to know though and each of us has a strong desire to be a detective, to root out dishonesty and catch someone in the act, don't we. I think everyone would choose trust if we could. Its not just those that are untrustworthy who don't trust, its those who have been whacked on the nose with a rolled up newspaper full of bad news too many times who don't.

Balance is what we are all striving for in our lives. Some of you have never felt the pain of losing someone you really loved, never have had anything truly emotionally devastating happen to you, and that is great. Hopefully it won't, but for the rest of us, we are striving towards peace, towards filling our middles up with buoyant air and allowing or minds and muscles to relax and feel acceptance. We fight the doubt, fight the emotions, some of us more, and some less, that bring us down. That puncture our middles and leave us with a hollow empty feeling inside. I think some are unintentionally striving towards something that is not entirely healthy, and that is to become an Island. An emotional island where no one can hurt them. A place where they are avoiding the emotional risk of a relationship, finding things wrong with everyone just to escape before there is danger. Once all of the emotional bridges have been burned, we are left alone, safe but alone, to decide whether or not to try to rebuild to allow connection to others again.

I have been spending a lot of time becoming comfortable with myself, that is, being alone. I don't mind it anymore like I used to. I enjoy myself, go to dinners and movies by myself at times, and even on occasion if there is no one to go with, go on short vacations by myself. I think that is healthy, not being a dependant sort. I expect that when the right door is shown to me and the other person cracks it open to me, I will push it the rest of the way open and step inside, to cross their bridge and not be afraid. I hope I am strong enough.

Relationships and The Butterfly Effect

2008-03-22T20:29:00.001-07:00

I love to say "my new older sister". I say it then stare usually. I just sort of stare at the person I just said it to and wait, and it usually gets to just about the uncomfortable part of a long pause before they go "Huh?" Well of course if you have been keeping up you would know that I do have a new older sister, but what is new and to me exciting is that we talk. A lot. Well there is a lot of talking going on, and for me that is enough. My house is plenty quiet being just my dog and me most of the time, so having someone talk my ear off, especially one related to me, is a good thing in my book.
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Has it ever crossed your mind what you would be like if you had no brothers or sisters? Ha, yes I know you have all wished that you had none at one time or another, maybe currently, but that is not the same thing. Think about how you would be different on the inside. Not happier or more or less successful but how would you actually think about things. Would you even be recognizable to yourself, were you to bump into yourself one day downtown. Would you react to issues the same way, have the same emotions, the same politics, hobbies, would you be you at all, or just a lump of clay that looks like you?

Our experiences in life are what make us who we are; I think we all understand this. Take serious examples of rape, assault, or war to see how our brains re-wire themselves under massive stress in a hurry. Post traumatic stress disorder is not something you can just talk your self out of. It's a fundamental shift in your brain chemistry, altering synapses, making yourself in some cases hyper aware of your surroundings, almost like having your nerve endings on the outside of your skin. Every motion, snap or bang can trigger one of the new fresh synapses into firing a panic chemical into the brain and all hell breaks loose.

All experiences do this to us, its part of growth and it's a good thing. See a piece of art, hear a concert or see a pitcher throw a 100 mile per hour fastball at an early age can set in place a thought process that causes us to strive towards a goal for the rest of our lives. Simple words of friends or mentors can shift our views on life, and success. We are nothing short than the result of our surroundings. We think about what we are, and that brings more of the same to us. For example; thinking to oneself something along the lines of this "If that car cuts in front of me I will LOSE it!" What will inevitably happen next? The car will cut in front and you will lose it, or maybe not that car, but suddenly the next one, but you're ready to lose it, so you do anyway. Say that often enough in front of your kid (please add other examples like; "I am going to keep as much away from the IRS as I can till they catch me" or "I will only work as much as I have to, to keep my job" or "The problem with this country is all the immigrants) and their thoughts will be altered to act the same way when they are older. What happens around us, affects us, and what we do to those still impressionable affects them. If you are not real happy with how you are, then be especially careful around your kids, because they will feel the same way one day and thanks to you may need extra insurance for psychiatric counseling.

So what would happen to you if you could go back in time and see what you would look like today without your siblings? Again, not how life would be better or worse for what they have done, but how would you be different? Would you be you?

I know a lot about myself, about how I react in certain situations and how I respond to certain people because I am a bit on the introspective side. A bit too much really. I think there is a healthy balance and I am a little too weighted on one side. But because I wonder a lot about myself, what makes me act this way, or feel this way, I get inside myself pretty far sometimes. I know that I am in essence nothing more than a large chameleon with human skin pulled on tight. I realize that I am not the type that blazes a new path without worry of consequence I tend to think things out. I do not like to stand out, I prefer to blend. I don't want to be the best dressed or worst dressed in any crowd, the loudest or the quietest. Honestly it sounds like I am neurotic and that could not be further from the truth (as far as you know) but I have just figured out a lot and figured out why I am this way.

For me, I like to be able to walk into a restaurant and be suitably dressed, maybe catch an eye or two, but not have groups staring at me for any reason. Try wearing a nice suit to a Hooters restaurant to see what I mean; it's not the kind of attention you want. Generally the public there is wearing plaid and denim. Silk shirts and leather sandals are going to create an ass whooping or at the very least a nasty atomic wedgie that I want to avoid. Picture the movie 'My Cousin Vinny' as the happy couple pulls into the very rural town wearing black leather pants and stiletto heals. Standing out is not what anyone wants, but for me it's dug itself a bit deeper.

As a kid we traveled a lot for the Navy. My dad was in the Seabees, which is the engineering division of the Navy, and we transplanted about every 2-6 years to somewhere new. I really have no idea how many schools I went to, not because the number is so incalculably large, but I just don't have recollection of all of them, or exactly where I was when certain memories occurred. We started here in Washington then quickly moved to California and then shortly after that found ourselves living on one of the not so resort-ish islands of the Bahamas when I was about 2 until I was 6 or so. Moved from there to the country of ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Turkey, where we moved twice in the two or so years that we were there. From one Turkish village to another, where there were very few Americans. There were many days, many-many now that I think about it, where I would be playing futbol (soccer) on a dirt road with a bunch of kids I could not communicate with in a country I knew nothing about at that age.

After Turkey was California for some unspecified amount of time, not sure if I went to a school there or not, really I don't know, and then back to Washington to man the naval base at Bangor. Another move later found me in Poulsbo going to school from about the 6th grade till the 10th, where I was moved to another high school to finish up 11th and 12th. Yikes it sounds tough just repeating it. And it was. There have been so many times in my life where I was walked into a dark classroom of kids, the teacher working on an overhead projector, talking about things I had never heard of, to a room full of whispering kids pointing at me that it gives me the willies just thinking about it. I was forced to stand out, over and over again. Forced to be the center of attention every couple of years and walk in alone to a new school and try to figure out who was who. Who might be nice, who would be the bully, who already knows who etc. Today I get that feeling walking into a lot of rooms, or parties and I try to blend quickly. Maybe that means just being successful at a party where everyone is. Or a bit stupid where everyone is. I am both of those things so they come naturally, but it's something that is ingrained into me like the rings on a tree. Once there, there is no changing them and who would want to? They give me unbelievable advantages sometimes. Personally I joke about it, but I am damn near psychic. I am extremely good at reading body language, because everywhere I went as a kid I was hyper aware of everyone around me trying to figure out where a safe spot would be, and who might be acting just a bit weird getting ready to dunk my head in the toilet (which is underrated), that today its natural. I meet people and instantly get a vibe from them. Or in the case of couples from 'them', and can see things that apparently are hidden from others. Today my career foundation is building relationships based on trust, and with my ability to read people I stay out of trouble, not by being able to manipulate them, but rather because I can read them and care what they think about me, I can choose my words to be more diplomatic, more tailored to that person's personality. I hear people standing next to me say something, or are about to, and I start to cringe inside knowing what they are about to say will not go over well, but to them it's a moot point. Either they don't care or don't notice. Anyway, we all have this to some degree or another, mine is set a bit high is all, and I like it.

Have you ever been to a friend's house and it's full of people talking, kids yelling, and dogs running under your feet? The kitchen is full of people trying to help or get drunk and there is one person at the center somehow in 'control' of the chaos laughing loudly and having a good time? My good friend Elizabeth's house is like this often and I find it drives me nuts. I crave it, love to dive into it, but could no way in hell live it. I think you know I am not putting this down at all; I just need more quiet in my house, not silence, but less chaos to think. My ability to muti-task is limited at best. Whistling while sitting on the toilet is a challenge, one thing at a time. There is no hurry. So having kids yelling, someone trying to ask me a question, and finishing a conversation with another person who is also watching the football game overwhelms me. I need to step out on the deck and guzzle whatever is left in my glass take a deep breath and come back in refreshed.

To me this is normal life, living with these strengths and weaknesses, to you these may seem stupid, minor or maybe paralyzingly scary. I don't know. But I know one thing for sure. Had I had my sister growing up. Had she been in the car each time I was taken to a new school, had she been waiting for me afterwards to go home with to be able to share the day with, life would be different. I would not be who I am today. Better or worse, I don't think it's quantifiable, but absolutely, possibly unrecognizably different. I would have a whole different set of issues to deal with and a whole different set of strengths. I don't think I would have the friends that are closest to me today, they love me for who I am, and I don't think I would be doing what I do today, at least not as well. I would probably like different clothes, different music, might like to watch Nascar (That just hurts to even say) I might even like Coors lite. I might fit right into the large family hustle and bustle, and might want to live right next door to my parents. I might be a pansy, or tough as nails because she and I might have fought a lot. Today my kids would be raised differently because I would be different. I raise my kids in a way that is opposite to how I was raised. Lots of emotion, lots of hugs, lots of attention all to make sure they don't experience what I considered to be the negative parts of my childhood. Honestly the world would be a different place now and for the future if she and I had been raised together. Imagine the influence my kids will have with either todays David or imaginary David, and how they would raise their kids. How would they interact with people differently depending on one or the other. One David may help the kids to become Drs, the other mechanics.

Today I and my new older sister talk often. Much more often than I am used to talking to any sister, but still when I think about it, not often enough. We are trying to learn everything there is to know about one another, trying to get inside each others head to get to that familiar comfortable place that family shares. We are not there yet, but I want that more than just about anything so I expect if we both live long enough it will happen.

When we first learned of one another we had some long conversations and one of them was me talking about what it was like growing up with 'our' dad. She of course new a different man to be her dad, and he truly was, but I knew there was some part of her that wanted to know if her life would have been better had she not been given up for adoption. (Editorial note here: Thank god abortion was not much of an option then!! Think about that.) So I started talking about my life growing up, and the more I spoke and the more she compared her life to mine, I realized that in many ways hers was better, at least enviable to me. I think probably it was a wash in many ways, speaking individually that is. She grew up with other siblings that she loves deeply, had a stable house with a mother and a father who loved her and now has a family of her own. So all in all good. I today look at her family life as one that I am envious of. My family was so small, just the three of us, and we moved so much that there was never the large family gatherings of holidays. Never the great hype leading up to Christmas, or the importance place on coming to the dinner table to communicate and bond. Everyone kind of just did their own thing. This week is mothers day week, and for the first time ever, I sent a mothers day card in the mail. It was to my new older sister. (My moms' card is always hand delivered.) In fact that is the first holiday card of any kind I have ever mailed to a family member. Reaching out and sharing the good things in life, the good moments are foreign to me, but as tasty as cold, syrupy strawberry shortcake on a hot day. I love it, I just don't really know how to make one all that well.

I think of the movie the Butterfly Effect when I am thinking about life and how different it could be. How different others lives would be had my dads decision to adopt out been different. How wide ranging are the consequences? How much further will they go still? What if he had chosen abortion? My sisters four children would not have been born, she would not be a nurse today happily living a life of helping others who need it. And I would not be writing this. That may seem trivial compared to the unlimited obvious implications but every once in a while something I write strikes someone deeply and they write me back to tell me. I love this more than anything by the way. A few times it has changed peoples thoughts and actions. What if this article only written because of my dads fearful decision made 44 years ago, affects someone positively today. They then make positive adjustments in someone else's life, maybe a Childs who goes on to do great things and the Butterfly effect is in full swing. Flap a wing in Portugal and a hurricane forms off the coast of Florida.

The Ancient Chinese secret for long relationships

2008-03-22T20:28:00.001-07:00

We have all seen theYing-yang symbols dating back from ancient China, right? The black and white tear drop shapes wrapped around each other in perfect proportion to one another symbolizing the equality of all things. Good and bad, light and dark everything in existing in perfect balance in the universe. When there is a death that brings sadness there is also a birth bringing happiness. When there is a heartbreak there is also somewhere a new love. Now imagine if you will, the last time you got a new job, one you had strived for, worked your ass for. Or maybe a promotion that meant the world to you. What inevitably follows the high? Well first a raucous party if you are smart. Invite your friends and family members to a party. Laugh, throw your hands up in the air, and just bask in the success you just achieved. But when much is given, much is expected, so the tradeoff for the new title on the business card, and the new paycheck is more work, and most likely most stress. Your initial happiness, may find itself wearing thin and eventually disappear altogether when the new expectations of your performance reach higher and higher levels.
The tradeoff between work, money and stress is a delicate balance. Everyone finds different levels and proportions of each of those comfortable. Some not only don't mind but crave the long hours, the high stress of a job that might bring in a lot of money. The money, the influence might be exactly what drives them to get up each morning. And the stress is a needed side effect their bodies and minds have grown accustom to. Losing the stress to some might feel like wasting time, or even might translate into losing influence or success. Others might prefer to earn a bit less, but spend more time in the garden or with kids, trading the first class ticket to Rome twice a year, for a coach saver ticket once a year, or once every other year. The day to day pleasures of relaxing, taking deep stress free breathes of air mean more than any check could offer.
But what happens when we find ourselves getting exactly what we wanted and not liking it? We might be climbing the corporate ladder, doing quite well as a matter of fact, with our heads buried as we focus on work, only to find when we finally look up, usually after a great promotion that it is leaning against the wrong wall. Could the life time dream, the sacrifices in time, personal life and ego not balance out in the end? Or are we just creatures that would rather be chasing a dream than arriving at the destination? I don't know, we are all different in this. But when you look at the top of your ladder, a place you can only dream of getting to now, does it look like a good life? One you would be content with? Is that the path to happiness for you? Maybe.
Tradeoffs are common in all aspects of life aren't they. Money for 'stuff' is one. We all have to trade free time for time designated for responsibilities. Free time being the time where we might be able to meet a friend for a drink, lunch, or just read a book, downtime. If you have not seen one of these blocks of time in your schedule in a while, well, you now know what kind of personality type you are and there may or may not be reason enough for you to try to change that. Why change it, if having free time makes you uncomfortable. If filling that time with something productive is what is making you happy, is 'working' for you, then by all means keep doing it. If however, you find that your days are filled with busy-work, work that you feel is neither productive nor enjoyable, but rather heaped on you, then you have traded your time to others and are getting too little in return. Its still a trade off, just not a good trade for you. Hey its your life. But if our time is so hard to bargain for, how about our selves while in a relationship?
A friend of mine has been in a good relationship with a guy that really adores her. Speaks well of her, is responsible, and is trying hard to make her happy. Not a thing wrong with him at all. Not one thing. Good looking, so I am told, good shape, works hard and then comes home and fixes gutters, works outside, and does the dishes. She and I have been friends for quite some time, and both of us have said in the past that something like this would be great. Its what, I think, we are all looking for at different levels. If you have it already, great. If you have had it in the past and are looking for it again, great, but if you have never had it, let me tell you it does not get much better than this.
Responsibility in a partner, attention, loyalty and affection are about all we can really be safe in asking for in a partner. Anyone of those balls that gets dropped, for me at least, and the door is right over there... and don't let it hit you in the butt on the way out. Best of luck to you. Everything else, is however, negotiable. But where is the tradeoff, when it all looks so good? What do you have to give up, or should you have to give up anything, in order to get this type of man or woman and then keep them once gotten? This leads to the most asked question in the universe; Can we really have our cake and eat it too? Is it possible to gain such happiness as a new relationship brings, without the often attached baggage that goes with it?
Far and away, most of my readers are women. Smart women too, many of whom have been through the wringer in life one way or the another. I would guess that there is not one of you who has not felt the pain of a lost relationship, or the sting of having to end one early at some point. Meeting someone, we all know, is always great, exciting, new and fresh. Everything is a first, and everything rocks. The first kiss is spectacular. The first warm hug that lingers longer than you might expect heaven. The first morning where you might find yourself entangled in a bed sheet and yet still feeling safe, amazing. This is the golden time, ride the emotion and enjoy. It's all good. So very good. However at some point very soon I would say is the time for the deer to look up. To look down the seemingly blissful, peaceful dark road and know that somewhere just out of view there is a truck coming at seventy miles per hour and it might be a good idea to carefully walk to the side of the road where perspective is better, and not look straight into the blinding lights of emotion. The Ancient Chinese remember, have predicted there will be a down for every up, an up for every down, and there can not be good without bad. Cant be done. This sounds terribly pessimistic I realize, but it does not have to be. Expecting something rough, maybe a car going seventy, does not mean that you will necessarily find yourself spread evenly over the bumper. Quite the opposite, expecting it will tone down the good of the newness a little, staying realistic and then even out the potential bad which comes later as well. Take it head on, approach it knowing full well that there will be differences between you and that is okay. Accept the assured truth that she will be crazy and that he will be stupid, and both of you will get along so much better. Those are as true, and as unexplainable as gravity, and algebra.
But when this new person has been in your life for some time, what are the tradeoffs you find you must compromise on in order to make 'it' work, to help it continue? What will you have to give up, or give in to, compromise, to expect the other person to hang around long enough for there to be a happy ending, or even really a happy middle?
I cant speak for women on this, its time to sound ignorant and I hope many of you offer ideas on this, but for a man I know it all too well. There are absolute sacrifices that a man needs to make. He even jokes about them with his buddies before the commitment is made and jokes about them afterwards pretty much forever. Things need to be compromised in order to keep a woman happy for any length of time at all. As for a complete list of these requirements, well, I wish I had one. I wish one existed so lets just stick to the obvious. Many of these are easy, some harder and some are concepts we, as men, will never quite grasp, however successful and intelligent the rest of the world views us. Hopefully at some point we will just settle into a groove that works and keeps us out of trouble.
What are some of these changes that man has to make right away? Can you think of any immediate deal breakers off the top of your head? Faithfulness does not count. Faithfulness is part of the core requirements so without that, why are you still there? It wont get better, it's a red flag that is apparent now and you are choosing to ignore it possibly thinking, for some reason, that it will all smooth itself out. Or maybe you feel you will be worse off without that person in your life. That being 'alone' is worse. You won't be, you are alone anyway. You are neither a better person nor a worse one for having them in your life, you are still an individual and if they are bringing you down by not even offering the basics of a relationship then you are getting the shaft in this trade off. So for you, what are some of the deal breakers that don't fall into the core requirements I listed? Some might call these pet peeves, but my pet peeve is people saying they have pet peeves so lets not call them that. It just sounds so anal, and nasally at the same time. And anal and nasal are two things, that I think, should be kept as far apart as possible as often as possible.
I think it is safe to assume that there are a few simple issues that may not be deal breakers now but might be later on and of course they are stupid and small. Every great fight boils down to something that is stupid and small. But I know that if I want a woman to be comfortable at my house I need to do a few basic things and one of them is to put the seat down every time after I flush. There also needs to be less drops on said seat than usual. Less might not be the right word…None might fit better. However as a single man, a lonely single man, this on its own to me would not be the end of the world, not really be an issue at all in fact. Those two issues, drops and seat position, do not appear on a mans radar as a thought until brought up by a woman. Does that make men stupid, no, there are lots of other reasons for that. It just shows priorities. Women never worry about getting caught in their zippers, so you don't 'think' about that do you. We do, and therefore, this thought does register, often in fact. Button fly jeans were not thought of and invented by a woman because no woman has ever found herself curled up in the fetal position on a cold dirty linoleum floor after pinching their HooHa, in the metal teeth of a zipper. How could you ever come up with a solution to a problem you did not know existed? However, if we found on some alien Earth, it was the woman's jobs to zip up the jeans of their men, we, as men, would expect you to understand this danger as well as we fear it, just like you expect us to know about the vertical position of a toilet seat. Falling 'in' is not something we fear.
Taking care of the seat is easy for me. I can do that one. Its just not something I forget about often anyway, in fact I just made it a habit to close the whole damn thing every time I finish. Problem solved. Hmm, what else needs to be changed? With gas prices going up I would be remise in not mentioning gas as being an issue. Men share gas with each other, like women share shoes. Comparing details about sound, and textures like you would straps and buckles. Volume is highly encouraged, and ruining a perfectly good pair of boxer briefs for 'the cause' is acceptable. We even named that 'mistake', and its called a Shart. Go figure. This trading of scents between men can be compared to mountain rams battering each other with their horns in play high up in the Rocky mountains. However, when a ram wants to bash another's head with theirs, they instinctively know its best to only do it with another who wants to participate. So if a man tries to share his gas with a woman, abusing either of her senses, the auditory, or the olphactory, odds are she is going to feel like a ram with no horns getting bashed on the head by surprise, and might, if I may understate it, not appreciate it. Just a guess.
Okay so we give up the ability to ignore your toilet seat, and give up gas in all of its forms, whether it emanates from the top or bottom, is loud or soft, and is in public or private. Myth busters, by the way, just proved that matches really do not help either. Sorry, no relief there with a quick extinguishing of the evidence. An open window certainly would do the trick, but in Seattle there are times when opening a window, say in the middle of a torrential downpour when its 39 degrees and windy, would not be the most subtle way to hide your action. I am really not sure what will happen to our anatomy by holding it in perpetually but if you want her to stay around for long, and not start looking for another, who may have better bowl control, you had better start strengthening that sphincter muscle. Women apparantly don't do it until after the third year of marriage so if they can do it, I suppose fair is fair. After that, however, "Dutch Ovens" become acceptable.
Cleanliness might be another area that could use refining. I find that women tend to like a house cleaner, and less chaotic than I can be comfortable in. Its not so much laziness as it is not having the ability to see dirt. Again, if its not uncomfortable why think about it? Your zipper does not bother you, probably never will, so do you think about it? Well dirt, mess, and chaos are relative and if you are the one who is made more easily uncomfortable by these things then don't be surprised if it gets 'left' time and time again. Its not going to be left forever, just past your point of discomfort. How would you like it if men got angry everytime you walked past the game on TV and failed to notice the score and then passed it on? That is important to us, might not be to you though. You see, we just dont see the importance of scrubbing. We just don't get it, like you may not get the importance of a Hank Aaron record about to be broken. We may walk right on top of and past a dirty floor, when its as obvious as the nose on your face that it needs to be scrubbed, and not notice. Sadly this theme of not noticing dirt extends to every room of the house unfortunately, and even though we will hear the words coming out of your mouth, "WHAT, ARE YOU BLIND?!" we probably will miss it the next time too.
When we all turned eighteen, we gained 'what' from our parents? Independence, right? Over two hundred years ago, America fought tooth and nail for the same concept. Independence. To have the ability to run our own lives, to make our own decisions without fear of reprisals from an unjust monarchy. The current state of the planet is such that it is, because America thought that was a worthy goal to risk it all on, and won. We won it, damn it! Independence is ours! Freedom is ours….until we find ourselves in a relationship.
Not one relationship worth a damn lasts more than a minute unless both independent people come together and attempt to use one brain rather than two. Two brains, bad, one brain, usually the woman's, good. I have an example of this. My neighbors are a sweet couple that have been married some 52 years. I think they are both about as nice as you can get. One day a while back he and I decided to build a cedar fence between our two properties. It was not going to keep us out of each others yard, or prevent us from socializing, but rather was just going to make everything look better. Especially from their side.
He and I borrowed a truck from his son in law, and got a start early in the morning to go get the lumber at a mill that was having a sale. Save some money on the very long fence we figured. Nothing wrong with that. So he and I get in, he in the drivers position, me riding shotgun, and before the truck is warmed up, while we are just sitting there enjoying the aroma of a forty year old Chevrolet, he tells me his plan to get to the mill. Take this road to that one, then over here and then this and then that. "Right" I said, "Sounds good". And shortly after we were off.
As we are chatting he interrupts at one point to tell me that he is going to get on the freeway up ahead. Uhm, okay I said and continued talking. Not five minutes later he interrupts again to tell me that he will be changing lanes. Uhm…..yeah, okay. Perfect, "looks clear" I said trying to be helpful to cover up my confusion and we continue along. About fifteen minutes later, he tells me that he will be exiting ahead at a certain exit, one we had discussed earlier, and I just at this point shrugged and said "Hey you're the Boss"
Whoa, that silenced everything. I can't remember if the radio was on before that moment or not, but it was suddenly quiet as if holding its breath. His head turned to me, and I noticed thankfully that he had a big smile on his face and he said, "Boy, it's been a long time since I've been the boss". And he chuckled and did not ask me another question all the way there.
What I realized at that point was no one could have asked him what the secret to a long happy relationship with his wife was, he would surely have an answer but just not the right one. The right one was to turn your brain off entirely and simply use one. The more highly evolved of the two. The greatest compromise ever invented. It is no wonder at all that the divorce rate is so high. Men are both unaware of this and unwilling for the most part to take this plunge. It's a bit like taking the plunge to the bottom of a lake before experimenting with the Scuba gear. You don't know how it works, exactly, not sure even if this model does work, but here you are at the bottom with no other way to breathe.
Are men willing to turn off their brains around their women, to in essence submit to their more highly evolved (although nuttier than a fucking fruitcake) emotions, or do we fight to remain men, in charge at home like we pretend to be in the workforce. Conquering as we go, being the go-to guy, being the make-it-happen guy, to being the guy that gets up when told, to go see a ballet with the in-laws.
Now, this gets even stickier when the woman is just as tough in the workplace as the man. Two tough business types converge at home with needy emotions on the brain, and it quickly becomes a contest of 'who had the worse day' for sympathy. Who needs to rest the most first, while the other prepares a meal. Who needs a bath run, while the other scrubs a toilet. Its sad but true, that there is only a one in one hundred chance, roughly one percent, that the mans bad day will adequately endear a woman to pampering him without grumbling. The other ninety nine situations just call for wine. Wine for both of you. For her, to relax her and slow her reflexes in case she lashes out, and wine for you to take the edge off the humiliation of going from vice-president/CPA/lawyer/or whatever to a servant serving the princess, truly for the better good of all, in your house. It's a hard nut to swallow. Men strive the whole lives, and some women do to, to be served by as many as possible. Remember the movie called I think The Office where the lead character sits down with the two Ron's and is told that he will soon be promoted and will now have 'As many as four people under you'? Why do you think Amway was so huge? It's the idea of having people beneath you doing your work for you, but here we find ourselves in a situation where endentured servitude at home is the only option for survival of the relationship.
We come back to the Ying and Yang. The relationship you have is good. Life is good now and if maintained, can be marvelous. But are the sacrifices, the downsides of a long relationship equal to the good. They have to be. It has to even out. There are challenges in a long relationship, I have friends that are dealing with some of them now. Our partners are people, not perfect and whether the failing is ours right now, or theirs, the question is whether or not we stay anyway. I always encourage them to keep trying. You see the Ying and Yang measure the good and bad in the total universe. Not necessarily what is going on in your life in particular. You may experience incredible highs or lows and not have it even out in the end. And if you are in a relationship with the person you will be with forever, the bad does not have to equal the good. In fact the good will reign supreme, and do you know why? How can the universe even out if every relationship turned out to be a net positive? Its because, in my opinion, being single nets a negative every time.
I have been single for quite some time now, and although, when we talk, it sounds like my life is better, at least more exciting, I find myself only reporting the highlights. Sort of like the gambler only telling you about the big wins, not the fact that they are down for the year if they averaged it out. I often joke with them that every morning I wake up I am 'right', and that hits a bit deep. Sometimes when I see a man's eyes glaze over with desire for what I have, I stop, take a deep breath, get honest, and tell them about the down side of being single. I tell them about the long spaces of boredom and sometimes loneliness that separates the exciting stories. I tell them about the fact that I have no one to share my victories with, or failures. That there is no one in my corner backing me up when the times get tough. And that even though their house may seem harder to go home to than it used to, or than it should after a long day at work, if they can figure out how to get past it, to fall in love again they would be so far advanced of me as to seem like another race. Men in relationships like my stories, what I report to them, but I know better. They only want to cherry pick my life, not to take it all. I know who has it better. I envy them. What they have can be forever, and is priceless. The grass only looks greener on my side, its really just growing on a septic tank.

Match.com and my life (as it was)

2008-03-22T20:20:00.000-07:00

My life as it was on Match.com

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Match dot com begins your online experience with a survey asking questions, like so many surveys, that are very personal. The most important part of the survey is the narratives. Also the most dreaded. The first one asks you to describe yourself, and the next to describe your perfect woman. This is how I filled out the survey.

Narrative

Well for Gods sake, this has to be the WORST thing for my ego, since the swirley I got in the tenth grade! I sit here once in a while and reread what I wrote, and relook at my picture and relook at...well anyway, and I think to myself(since I am all freakin' alone!), if I were a girl, no thats too difficult to imagine, if I were gay.....wait no thats even harder,.... if I were a girl, would I be interested in me, and since I know I am not a 'player', honestly would like to be just dont know how yet, I say the answer is YES! "Damn, he's great looking, good shape, has all his hair (thick too!), all his own teeth, tall, great career, and is legitimately looking for someone to be with and is also single". WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR??!! I promise I wont last long, and the '05 models are not any better. I was married, years ago, made it many years, and get this, I was the one who initiated counseling, and not because I cheated either, I didnt. C'mon, how many points do I get for that?? I jog damn near every day, love the mariners. love red wine (bit of a snob too!), love every beer ever made, been to Europe several times, like to dance, go out to Daniels Broiler, run up to Vancouver, walk holding hands and watch movies. If I find you extremely attractive I will probably stare at you constantly, may treat you and SPOIL you like a princess, and may infact revert to being a stalker. They say it's unlikely though. I like sitting, sleeping, standing, moving in jumping-sorts-of-ways, hiking, swimming, throwing, chasing(hate being chased), and everything else. You have no excuse, I will adapt to you and your oddities very much like tapeworms do. And just live happily. A little more seriously though. I am just about the most honest man I know. I will not lie to you or anyone. And I am a genuine giver. My only requirement is you have a nice butt.... Hmmm, I think I am done. Except to say that this is all tongue in cheek humor, say hi to 'hear' the real me!
This is written in the "What you are looking for" Section

I like just about everyone, but there is apparently a requirement for information here so, what do I like? I like women who are in good shape, at least working on it regularly, and who want to make me a priority, in a good way, ya' know? I place a very high priority on women who have belly buttons. Less back hair rather than more is good. Must be the funny, serious, cuddly, sexy, librarian type. Book smarts are good, but street smarts are better if your living on the streets. I don't. If you can teach me how to Scuba, Salsa, or ride the Harley I plan on getting you are a shoooo-in. I dont like '2-face women' (ala Seinfeld), but all needy/independent types are encouraged to apply. If however, you are a big monster truck girl or love NASCAR enough to have a bobblehead with the number 28 on it, we just have no chance. If however you like the symphony, fine dining, cooking together, and have a nice butt, then maybe. It's true I have two kids, but they are part time with me, and I dont introduce them to people I am dating. We would have to prove to be very serious before that would happen. So I am up for sale SOLO, ala' cart. I have a large collection of women friends who you will meet and be able to learn what I am really like. They are like a living breathing resume. And they will all say that I am the best man they have ever met, or something like that. If this was all too goofy for you, well lighten up, it's just supposed to make you smile. I am pretty laid back, very easy going, with a great career, great dog, and all around great life. Single is not my favorite thing, but I am making the most of it, having lots of fun. You won't find me in front of the TV very often, just too busy, but I would settle down next to you if asked. I keep a very clean house, not a bad cook, not great at yard work, and excersize very regularly for my health. The benefit is I have a pretty nice body to boot. I am much more shy than conceited, but I get mistaken for that often. Love to here from you. Bye

Chapter 1

This, sadly was my introduction to the world of online dating, aka The People Catalog. Match.com. If you have tried it, or even looked at it, and I am sure you have by this point, you have to see the allure of it. Hundreds of photos for you to anonymously look at examine up close, even fog the computer screen. You can read their words, see what they want, or so they think, examine where they went to school, how far they went, their present profession, and for many women this is important, men's income level. For those being honest, baggage is left out in the middle of the street for all to analyze. I had 'baggage', good though it may be, having children is baggage to many. I agree, I felt the same way before I had them, so no fault given there. Many women feel this stigma every day, so why not me. It makes sense that not everyone is willing to share their lives with a man who has children. So that being said I found the online dating to be very safe. I put right on the screen that my life included an Ex Wife and children, so I figured whoever went so far as go out with me, knew my 'baggage' up front and we could either move right past it, or deal with it up front. I loved having that OUT there so it was not a surprise later on. There is really nothing quite the look on a woman's face, when clearly the chemistry is bubbling over, and she hears the answer that yes you have kids. It's kinda sad really, for them to try to act all happy and supportive, when they really want to just move on to the guy down at the other end of the bar who has been eyeing her over my shoulder. Everyone with kids who tries to date has felt it. Oh well, I probably did it once myself.

I started thinking about putting some of this down when I came across a profile of a young woman from ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Brazil. She was cute about 5'6", 33 years old with 1 child, long straight black hair and a slim attractive figure. Her income was modest, her job not listed, and her favorite feature was her butt. A very nice profile all in all. I was interested. I read further down and she listed that she would only date men with an income level over 150,000. In her profile she states, "I am fortunate that God gave me above average looks and I know that a man is out there who will appreciate me. I don't care if he is overweight, bald or both. Yet he does have to be successful because I like to be spoiled." Hmmmm. Honesty is a good quality right? She is nothing if not honest, she knows what she wants and knows what she is willing to give for it. A fair trade I suppose.

I keep thinking to myself that maybe I am the only normal person on the entire site. Sitting here in my sweats, with my kids watching Scooby-Doo, endlessly searching through photos. My coffee is cold, my face needs to be shaved and there are hills to be climbed but I sit here and wait for a response from that one, or that one, hmmm that one was really cute too. It's so addictive. Clearly I am not the only normal person on here. We are all addicts, all living on the outside of reality a bit. In fact I think I fit in very well here. This is my life as it is now. Maybe the idea is nuts, to pick out your soul mate from a picture, and a paragraph. But with what seems to be an endless supply of sent and received Winks and notes being sent around how can it not be a numbers game. Play the lottery enough you are bound to win right? This is the lottery at 19.95 a month paid with automatic deductions from your checking account forever. Throw enough mud against the wall and some will stick right? No, it seems only the shit sticks, the mud just falls to the floor and mixes again at the bottom. Throw a Match mixer some night and see how many people have slept with the same people in the room. Damn, and my box of condoms is down to just one.
It does work, I hear it does anyway. I have met some great people from the site, many of whom I still consider friends (not with benefits). I have had a few nice six month or even year long relationships from the site so I know it is possible to work just by going out with enough people. I also know that many of us are desperate, more at some times than others, but that makes us especially vulnerable to the addiction of match. How fantastic is it to come home and see twenty new winks from attractive admirers. Or to finally see a letter from that one person you were sure would never write back. The ego stroke is amazing, and needs to be continued like a drug to maintain. Its tough to turn it off at times. I would find myself walking through my house and peeking in just to check once more. "Damn, no new messages! DAMN! She has not written back yet? That tramp is cheating on me already and we haven't even met yet! Bitch. I know she must be. Ok cool down, maybe she is out of town, maybe uhm….maybe she had friend die. There could be lots of excuses." There are actually feelings like that even in this cyber playground. Feelings get hurt, and tempers get raised over nothing really. But the nothing is HUGE! Its rejection served fast and personal. Over and over. Sure all the good stuff is great, and the ego boosts are super, but the downside is just as far down as the upside is up.

I would have to say that because most people are pretty good, most people on Match are pretty good. So I think there are a lot of new and clever ways to let people down that have arisen from the conversations on this site. Many are very nice and try to be gentle. It is nice to hear someone say, "You look like a really nice guy, but I just don't think you are my type, I am going to pursue other options". Wait, that still sucked and that was as nice as it gets! REJECTION sucks all the time and there are no exceptions. Just like getting an STD, some are just worse than others.

Its tough because for those of us on the site, and I limit my speaking to those who are honestly single and looking, many of us have found it tough to meet people out in the real world. The reasons are as endless as the faces. Bars, nightclubs, coffee shops, playgrounds, are full of beautiful single people all the time, but meeting one is excruciating for some of us. Some people have the gift of gab, others are just plain confident slash cocky, while some of us, are confident in the right situations, and shy in others. As I sit with my adopted dog, Kini (Don't ask), at a Starbucks after a 3 mile run reading the New York Times, I often see an attractive woman, or sometimes women, but cant seem to get past the casual flirting. I know it's my job to go say hi, but there seems to be a lead weight in my ass that keeps me firmly seated. I can 'read' pages of op ed, business, and sports stories and not remember any of it, because my focus is on that woman. I talk myself out of approaching her because that, I feel, would be cheating on my upcoming Match.com dates. Since I have one schedualed tonight with that attractive blond who really seems cool, I shouldn't muddy the waters by asking another woman out, right? What would I have done if had never heard of Match? What would my excuse be then? Any excuse will work. Really Any excuse will work just fine. ' Oh I cant go say hi because I bet she is seeing someone already, or I cant go up and say hi because that Damn Sadaam Husein just makes me so mad!'. Ahh, but if she approached me then it would be fine. I would surely open up and be a bastion of confidence and savvy. Absolutely ask for a phone number before she left. Sigh, it's sad really. Someone slap me. Not too hard though, I'm a pansy.
Ahh, but if she approached me then it would be fine. Sigh, it's sad really. Someone slap me.

So I console myself when she leaves, giving me one last goodbye look, by saying that I have several dates set up for the next week from Match, so I am not really alone. Hmmmm.

Here is what I have found to be the biggest flaw of the online dating scene. Honesty is clearly number one, so really this is number two. It's so hard to stop. You may be lucky enough, and I have, to have met a woman, or a man, who really is very nice. Someone you really can't find an obvious flaw with, and are at least moderately attracted to. But you go home, and search again. After talking on the phone for an hour, and meeting a second time, you go home and check your email again, to see if that one you had your eye on has written back yet. Maybe the one with the photo on his boat, or with the incredible body and long legs. Then you see a new face, new to Match, new to online dating, maybe you can get her before she is inundated with thousands of competitors, or worse yet, maybe you have a new wink from a serious Hottie. No problem right, you still have a third date set up so you have nothing to lose and everything to gain right? Go for it.

Let's see how many am I dating right now? Hard to say really because several have not called back in a few days, so they are clearly dating others, and some I am not sure I want to date anyways. I will though, of course. Better than sitting at home. Several more have shown enough interest to let me know that we will get together soon, so do they count?

I had after my marriage a woman I was deeply in love with. More so than anyone ever in my life. We dated long distance for over a year and even though I had kids and she did not, she agreed to be my wife and move up to Seattle from beautiful Monterey Ca. Tough move anyone would have to agree. We met at a conference down in Anaheim at an after hours party that was just getting started. I looked across the room and only because I had a 'wingman' was I confident enough to go up to her and talk with her. I was mesmerized. That second I said this was the right woman for me, and I was going to do everything I could to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. The weekend ended with virtually no work being accomplished by either of us, and we promised to see each other every other weekend from then on. We did, and it was absolutely magical. Pure Romance.

I wonder now, even though that relationship sadly ended, if I would have felt that same attraction to her had it just been a photo and a paragraph that I was looking at. Was she beautiful, absolutely? Are there more attractive women, maybe more photogenic women, yes of course. What would have happened if her photo was right below another that I found, physically more attractive? Would I have even said hi? I don't know, I do know that I have seen women who are probably wonderful people and past them by because of their photogenic qualities. I may have even said hi, and may have even met her for a drink. But with six more dates lined up behind her, two I have already dated and feel I know, and maybe one I have already slept with, how would I be in the right perspective to feel the spark that I felt down in Anaheim? The time I spent with my now ex-fiancé changed my life, my family and the way I see everyone around me. It was an amazing growth period and I think I would have missed out on it all, had I only seen or even met her on Match.

It is sadly the more I think about it, the pretty people who are most likely to fail with this site. Those who have lots of options, and who get inidated with complementary mail have the least chance of success and only because of the endless options. At what point do you cancel the subscription and call the date for tomorrow and cancel? Which of your best friends would agree with this statement made by you; "I am not going to even meet the handsome young Orthodontist with an income of 275k per year because I really like the guy I met today. So, I am going to call and cancel my date and really explore this guy." I know that is the right thing to do, but could you? Would your friends let you? Hell no! He is good looking wealthy and single. The guy you met today is really great and all, but this next guy will be better. It doesn't have to be about money, it isn't all the time, it could be really any number of different qualities you could substitute for the word wealthy, like, body, face, education, hair (or lack of it), tattoos, interests(at least how they are written). Maybe the guy or gal you met today was great, but the next one plays guitar, or rides a harley so off you go on the next date.

Now imagine you return from your date, a bit unimpressed. Sure he was a handsome orthodontist but something wasn't right, your not sure but if the word 'chemistry' fits anywhere in relationships its here. There was none. He laughed too loud, or worse, not at all. Had terrible breath, funny because he is a dentist. He hates cats, it could be anything, but the question now is what is next. You would go home, be a bit let down, and what then? Call mister wonderful from yesterday? Maybe, but first lets look at who else is on here I like. "Ooh he/she wrote back"

We are all on different pages when we meet, that is what makes this all so difficult. Some just broken up, some long since healed, but we meet and put our best faces on. I once heard a saying "Whoever loves the least wins". So let's say I am ready, which I am, and I meet a nice successful woman, who, well you know, kinda does it for me. Interests me, excites me, so I take my profile off of match. Even go so far as to decline a couple of dates with the polite message "Thank you for your interest, but I am going to pursue another person right now." Jump in with both feet, and find out after an investment of emotion and money that she was just out to play. I get hurt, because although love was not involved there was an investment on my end. She is fine because I was just another fun weekend to her. So how do we know? Who is being honest, how much emotion to give and when? I threw myself at my Ex Fiancé heart and soul, and had an amazing experience one I hope to duplicate with a better outcome at some point, but those opportunities out in real life are not as common as in the online world. We can gamble more because the odds are less of being back in that situation again anytime soon. Online, however the opportunities don't end even when you are dating someone. They are endless. How much are you gambling when there are ten more interested choices right in front of you, and you haven't even done a search in two weeks. It is hard for a lot of people to really put much 'out there' for that reason. Those that do risk opening up their hearts before the other is really 'off' of match are in for a heartache. Which by the way after extensive testing has been found to actually be worse than the brain-freeze given by milkshakes.

What is to keep you from sneaking a peak while in a lull in a good relationship? Maybe you have had a bad week with her, maybe she has been out of town, whatever, but checking online is easy and quick. See who may be looking, who is new and attractive. Maybe see you have some new winks. It's all so addictive. The high needs to be satisfied. I wonder, for the thousandth time if I will ever find someone again, and if I do will it be 'when I least expect it' like all of my friends say? If so how is it possible to be on match where I don't just expect it, I am paying for it.

My most recent contact is leaving town for the holidays and will return after the first of the year. She left that in her letter to me that we would compare horror stories, and I realized that I really do belong here. She is of course normal, I am normal, but both of us probably represent someone else's horror story. I have had some incredibly bad dates and can't imagine how anyone would ever consider me to have been that bad, but who knows. There has probably been a couple who were not as attractive in person, to me, as in the photos they posted, and probably one or two were able to see it in my face. I am sure I have hurt some feelings and have ended up being a story told over a gin and tonic in a living room somewhere. Maybe I came across as too needy, too attentive, or too drunk. No accounting for taste is there? It's all relative, and we all want different things. I can't imagine spending any time with a woman who watches NASCAR, but that is really nothing more than geography. Had I been raised in one of the southern states, I would be popping a Budweiser resting it on my belly, leaving a wet circle in my already yellowed t-shirt, and watching it with her. As it is, monster trucks, car racing, and motocross are not only not my hot buttons, they turn me off. Just as easily I can turn someone off by either poking fun at those or just being honest in my feelings for them. I believe that there are women who actually prefer mullets. National Geographic may do a special one day and we can see where they live, and how we can prevent them from reproducing but right now I know they are out there, and that is enough for me. Every one wants different things. I, I have finally realized, as perfect as I often think I am, am not for everyone. I am an aquired taste.

I have been off and on the online dating scene for almost four years. Often with long periods of inactivity, six months here and there, 18 months once and lots of shorter relationships. I have met some great women, all for an assortment of reasons, not right for me, but super people everyone. All of them I would love to see again and talk about current relationships and how life is going. But then there are the horror stories. I was once contacted by a 24 year old, now don't get mad, that is below my age limit, but she really wanted to go out, and had lots of education, or so her profile said, so I thought why not. I would like to see a movie anyway, and the company might be nice. I called her, and through her giggles accompanied by her male friend in the background, we set a time and place to meet. I was to pick her up downstairs outside of her condo in downtown Seattle. After hanging up I had to shake off the feeling that something was really wrong with this, and even went so far as to call my best friend and ask for an emergency call. Know what that is? Of course, we have all done it, it's the call to help you escape. The call that you can act like is an emergency and excuse yourself from the horror before getting swallowed up by it. I think just the idea that I have ever had an emergency call set up probably would make every new woman I ever date, if they knew, a bit nervous. But what options do we have, really? Some of us don't come with a 'rude' button, and being rude actually causes us visceral discomfort aka butterflies in the stomach. If you know you have to leave, know this is not working, know this person would be completely unable to reproduce successfully if the world came to an end. How do you excuse yourself? Some would just do it. "CLICK" Push the rude button, and out the door. Slide into their car and laugh about the date and how they left it to their closest friend who would of course appreciate the sheer audacity of the rudeness and laugh also. This is sooo much better than what I have to go through. Why, no balls, well yes that is part of it I suppose. A little too in touch with my softer side, well yes again, some would argue that. But somehow this is the way I am currently wired and without a near death experience which I hear makes people either nicer or meaner, I can only hope for the later, I am helpless to be one who feels guilt and worries about other peoples feelings.

Well I parked downstairs and waited for her to come down. She did, and only 5 minutes late, not too bad nowadays. Quick hug hi and into the car we went off to the restaurant she picked, a sushi place that has had great reviews. My red flag sensors were on, like always, nothing too scary just looking for some feature that I knew I could not live with, but so far through her incessant talking all that she said that was odd was how hungry she was. Famished. Starving, have to eat now! She went on to tell me how grumpy she can get when she is this hungry and starts to hurry me along. Ok fine, she is hungry. We get in to the restaurant and take seats at the sushi bar, order drinks and dinner. Great no problem. YET. Being sushi, the food is served quickly and like a lioness on a kill her head drops to about 3 inches from her food and she begins shoveling. Sip. I take a drink, and push my food around a bit, eyeing her on my right. I check my sleeves to make sure nothing will get caught in the shredder there. I take a few bites and another sip, feel its time to learn a bit about my date. She had profiled herself as being quite the little thinker and I was anxious to learn something about what she was doing. So I then turn and ask how her studies were going in advanced calculus, and micro economics. She quietly looks up from her food, with a bite still on her fork, turns her head just enough and says, 'I don't like to talk while I am eating.' Hmmmm. What the hell do I say to that? Nothing, clearly she does not want any speaking at all, so what am I here for anyway? I think I know the answer and it is sitting in my back pocket and also contains my drivers license, and pictures of my kids as well as the credit card she was interested in. Siiiiip! I take a bigger drink. I finish my smaller plate and keep nursing my drink. I had a feeling this would be it, not giving up yet mind you, just not sure I wanted another drink yet and add to my already hefty bill. At that point she looks up and asks me a question, first one all night, and thank god it's about me. One I can answer and speak about. She wanted to know a bit about my job, what my days were like. Normal stuff. So when I finish, all of two minutes later, I assume she is out of her mood, hope I don't see it ever again, and I ask about how her history classes were going…..Short silence, and I should have known, I certainly feared what was about to come again. She removes her lips from the bite now under chin and says simply, "I don't like to talk about that while I am eating". Well I am not very bright, known it all my life and had lots of people tell me so, but I knew that this date was over and I had just been stuck with another sixty dollar tab. So I turned around, facing the entrance, finished my drink and politely let her devour the rest of her meal. Once the tab was settled, "No thanks I will get it" Oh right she did not offer, we left and got back in my car. At this point she farted.

I sat there for a second and just stared straight ahead not sure how to proceed with what I knew had to be done. I had to end this date, right now in the middle of it, and to listen to her, she had no idea. So I simply turned and said so. Honesty right? I let her know that I wanted to take her home now and that the date was over, that I was just not comfortable with her and even though I was sure we were both great people we weren't right for each other…..Silence. Did I mention there was a quiet spell, sort of like the sound that existed just ten seconds before the big bang. Nothing, no birds, no engine it was a vacuum and I was nervous. There is still a stain on the driver's door upholstery where she exploded and blew the hair gel out of my hair.

All the way back to her place she tossed insults and tried to get under my skin, but I had had it, so I just wanted to drop her off and go drink myself into forgetfulness as quickly as possible. Maybe shower to remove the all over feeling of ickiness she had left on me. As we take a left and come around her block towards her front entrance,she says happily to me, "oh you can park right over there' and she points to a spot that is open. Park?...Did she say Park? Had she been conscious the last fifteen minutes? Park? Well park meant stopping, and the way I felt right then I was thinking she was lucky if I slowed down. I'd just lean over her and pull the little lever and push. So I say no I will pull in right here, an illegal spot but it was just for a minute so why not. I stop the car, put it in park and wait. Nothing. She isn't moving. In fact she even turns sideways with her back up against the car door and faces me with her arms crossed. What the seven hells can she want? She is absolutely scaring me right then. She might be small, but I could tell by looking at her that she could take me. Just go, end the misery, go now back up to your friend upstairs, hang upside down like a bat, whatever just go.
But then she says something (Put the word something in perspective. This is like God saying "I want to make something" and then creating the universe and life as we know it) that I will never forget. "Can I at least have a hug?" (Insert Psycho music here) And before I can speak she crawls over the center console, and lays full body on me with her arms wrapped around my neck. Now can all of you count to fifteen, and say 'one thousand' after each number? I learned that as a way to measure approximate seconds, and I would like you to do that now. One one thousand, Two one thousand, Three one thousand…..fourteen one thousand, and finally fifteen one thousand. Oh God she is still on me, and my arms are getting tired holding them straight out like Herman from the Munsters when he walked around with the steel bucket on his head. I haven't touched her yet. My prayer was answered and she peeled herself off of me then, turned and left. I grabbed my hand sanitizer.
Many of my worst dates, have been my fault. Now I see it as being all my fault and being, like I said, not very bright, all I can do is learn from my mistakes and try not to make them again. Being a man, some mistakes cannot be avoided, especially when alcohol is involved but others I should be able to get a handle on. This is one of them.

One eye. That was it. That was all the photo had, a very sexy eye, with a lock of dark brown hair lazily drifting down and curling around. She said she was an attorney and had a very clever profile, speaking right to my heart. Traveling, to sunny countries, with lots of warm water, dancing and drinks with little orange slices in them. Scuba diving, in fact she was a master, and could train. She could train me. We spoke, via email for about a week, tossing back and forth idle chit chat, and finally decided to meet for a quick lunch, both being very busy, we chose to eat at Red Robin. Fast right, order a quick salad or burger from a nineteen year old blond named Carly. She will drop the check with the food, clearly telling us we are no more use to her. No problem. Fast… Not fast enough.

I was there first, waiting in the lobby with a table all ready for us, and she arrived. No wonder only one eye was visible; the camera could not have taken much more than that all at once. No, not that bad, just not my type. But we can all at least enjoy the meal and learn something new so no harm done, right? Well maybe not. We make some small talk about diving and traveling, and I learn something new right out of the gate. I learned that in order to wear a dry suit while diving I would have to take a specialty class. Well there you go, the afternoon paid for right there, I always assumed it was a choice of how much someone wanted to spend on a suit rather than education. So we settle in and maybe it was nervousness on her part that made her start to spill over uncontrollably, as if I was removing her nails with pliers and demanding her to talk, I don't know, I really don't, but something in that woman's head told her that it would be fine to offer up her darkest secrets to me, a man she met 11 minutes ago. Now with two salads and a couple of cokes in between us, we were apparently long time friends. She looks up after a nice laugh about a diving adventure in Belize, and starts her story. I am on Match, she says, because I am trying to get over what my now ex husband did. 'What?' I say, foolishly, now I just want to punch myself in the forehead for asking, but I cant put a lid on compassion and manners. Well, she says, I had to help put him in jail for molesting our 13 year old adopted daughter…blocked detail..blah, blah, blocked detail. Then. Silence. Then hear myself screaming in my head "CHECK PLEASE!!", but amazingly nothing came out. The rest is kind of a blur, but I do remember divorce papers being served to him in prison, and the daughter being returned to the mother. There were a lot of other details I blocked out. I guess its Sort of like what I do when Im scanning the headlines of the local paper. "Family left homeless after freak elephant rampage tears through living room only the youngest children and oldest women were killed, George Bush rules" "Forty year old man loses fingers after being caught watching porn on laptop by wife". "Governor race in Washington State ends with more than 2.5 million votes counted and yet only a difference of only 42 separates the two. Forty two?? Out of two million five hundred thousand people the difference was only forty two? Huh? No way! Who makes this shit up anyways? Damn local papers. That's why I stick to the big one. The New York Times. I don't care if its liberal, I like it, and I like it that they advertise $5500 watches inside the Scene section. I feel like I can afford them after seeing them so often. I know that if I am seen looking at them I have to use the perfect casual smirk, it's a look I need to have on my face tells that person I think these watches are under priced. The Real Estate section is nothing but advertisements for 2.5 million dollar townhouses in Manhattan and I just love it. People look over my shoulder as I slowly move my fingers down the page saying things like ooohhh, this one looks good, or no, only a 176 degree view. Nope I deserve the full 180.
I am not very photogenic. I think this is the quality that makes models and movie stars, who they are, this odd photogenic quality. There are a few features that can be measured and predicted but by and large the people you see up close on a TV or movie screen do not look that good in real life. I however, am just the opposite, I look better in real life. Go figure. But try to explain that to a hot young executive who has several hundred other men, a few women, maybe even a couple or two, writing her and wooing her with prose, and promises. "Ride with me in BMW 7series, you will be the first to touch the passenger seat I promise". "I am flying in my new Cessna to my beach house on Orcas Island, and I would like you to join me. It's just for the weekend, and my wine cellar needs rotating. Maybe you would like to help me 'get rid' of some of the older stock."

I however am left trying to explain how that patch of hair between my eyes is really just the shadow of a caterpillar crossing my forehead, and I will try to get another photo out ASAP. NO that space between my teeth, yes I know it looks like I am missing a tooth, but no, it just the way they look on….Oh the squinty eyes?, uhm well yes that is really how they look, ok, have a good day. NEXT!

This is also true but in reverse for women. I think the company Glamour shots started this trend in the eighties, where extremely average, at best, girls or women could have massive amounts of paint, hairspray, and lots of camera "Magic" added together to come up with their one best photo ever. The one that sits on their desks, and people ask, wow is that your daughter? 'No, it's me about two months ago'. 6 hours of painstaking FX work can make someone look like or anything, for that matter. These are the photos women contribute. Hmmm, well I have been told men do it as well, but I can't imagine to the same degree. I mean what can you do with a comb over and lighting to make your bald shiny head look less like you have 3 chins, and a broken nose. Not much. But I dated this one woman, who because of her profession will have to remain completely in obscurity. She and I talked for weeks before meeting. Weeks, where I would actually look forward to talking to her after a long ay, or after a business trip. Her few photos online were breathtaking, and I could hardly believe that such a vision would wait for me, when I was so busy. Every photo looked better than the last, and they looked pretty normal, undoctored. A few days before we met, she let me know that she was nervous I would not like the way she looked, and I just laughed, c'mon, are you crazy? You are spectacular. She had been a professional model earlier, and even though she admitted to putting on a few pounds this last year, she still looked great. I was not nervous, I don't mind a gorgeous woman who has a little extra. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes after all. No worries. So I traveled to see her on our prescribed weekend, leaving work early and expecting to 'meet' her at about 8:00pm that night. We met just how we planned it, she was already a little drunk, from being nervous to meet me, she said, I had had a couple myself, so we were even, but, I have to say, she looked very little like how she appeared in the photos. They were clearly her, but somehow things were not put together as well as they were in the photos. It was something I just kept looking at over and over trying to figure out. Later I got to see her in an acting performance and there she was gorgeous, but next to me she was average, pretty, sweet, even dressed well, but all in all about average. How could this be? She was just the exact opposite from me. Somehow her features blended together in such a way as to make her spectacular from a distance or on film, but in person….ehh. Even so, she dumped me.
Some people seem to really have it together and I envy them, like my dog envies the stray running around my neighborhood. Some seem to have active lives that revolve around things, or activities, or say something really odd like friends and family. Mine never has. I am active, I run 3-4 miles a day or so, work out, and try to keep my heart and lungs healthy, I work hard, and spend a lot of time with my kids after school helping with homework and putting together dinners for them. After all of that, I usually try to do my one activity that I am completely addicted to. Spend time with women. I don't necessarily have to be sleeping with them, I just like their company. I have many women who are friends that I would never sleep with, if nothing else because I cherish the friendship too much to jeopardize it with sex.

No one goes to a used car lot unless they are thinking about buying a car, and that is the appeal of a dating web site. Its easier to step up and say hi because you know the situation of the person you are stepping up to. Some of us just have too vivid of imaginations to be able to do that in another situation. I can see a beautiful woman, who may even smile at me, and my mind is off to the races imagining her successful boyfriend waiting for her out in the car. Little do I even realize that she is probably single and interested. Its my imagination, and lack of self confidence that so often gets in my way. I can be nearly anywhere, and being not terrible to look at, I get flirty looks that I just cannot seem to turn into phone numbers. I have the feeling that many women really don't want, once they have experienced, the kind of guy who has the balls to go right up to them and get their number. Not a universal truth for sure, but many of the best guys just have enough of a shy streak or too good an imagination to step up to the plate.
There have been many times when I am in a great relationship, sitting in a nice lounge waiting for my date, and I get the look from a stranger that tells me she is interested, and I think to myself with my most cocky smirk I can imagine, "Oh I could have her", just walk right up and…, Crap who am I trying to kid. I could do it only while I was in a relationship, because I would have the confidence of a woman to fall back on, but then my motivation would be different wouldn't it? Hmmmm, have you ever tried to give away a pair of tickets at a game last minute? That feels easy, like a comfortable charitable friendly thing to do, right? Try to sell them for face value or worse yet scalp them for more, and you are likely to be able to relate to what I am talking about in motivation. No one likes to feel like they are selling something, funny because that is about all I do, but still, selling yourself feels, well….icky. Talking, however to an attractive woman, when I know its not my motivation is easy. I do it all day long. Sad, really it is. Too bad after inventing Viagra to help men keep themselves at attention for 'up to four hours',(OUCH), they could invent a drug to make shy guys less likely to hold back and more likely to go for it, even when she is clearly out of our league… Till then we have tequila.
Chatting online is something I am not entirely comfortable with. Today for example I just got back from a nice run out in the rain with my dog, and when I got back to my computer there were two women who wanted to chat with me, from Match. I find it both fun and tiring at the same time. How do I have sit and have a nice quiet pause in the conversation, maybe to look around, or get coffee, and not look rude. 'BRB' only works so well, and eventually you just want the person to either come over or get off of my damn computer. Thank God I have not taken the advice of some people to install a web cam. Crap, I would stop coming into my den altogether. Who wants that? Sure at 6 bucks a minute, ahem, or what the going rate, some can do very well at it, but I want to be able to pick my nose in my house, or wear dirty underwear, I don't want every woman I am trying to convince that I am genetically superior, to see all of this. It's a terrible idea. I don't even like chatting before I brush my teeth.

Today I had, like I said two women who wanted to chat, but for completely different reasons. The first is a very nice woman who I have talked with before nearly two years ago, and we just sort of ran into one another again on the match site. We talked about the weather up where she is at, shopping, work, kids and entertainment. Very nice. Finally it was time for me to get some lunch so I said good bye, but before I could leave the den the second woman say "Hi". She had her proverbial ankles around her ears in about 2 minutes. Cyber sex. Odd, weird, and no payoff. Hard to pass up, as a guy, but eventually it just seems like I am a Unich in the Harem of the great Sultan unable to touch or be touched. What is the point I ask you? Just dirty talk, ooh maybe a dirty photo too, but eventually it all leads to the same place…no where. That is the same reason I don't like to go to strip clubs, without a date that is, because its all such a tease. Why would I spend good money to get more and more frustrated? I am frustrated everyday of my life, that is the last thing I would hand over money to do.

Sometimes someone not being how you hoped they would look is the problem, sometimes that's not it at all. What happens when its not a physical problem? What do you do when they are just...well, uhm, ahem. Dumb as a fucking rock?
She was a very attractive older woman. About 4 years older than me. Small, very very small. Maybe four foot eleven and just barely pushing 90 lbs. We met for drinks and a talk and ended up going bowling. Still not sure how that happened but I think I was trying to be funny and might have suggested it, and of course she laughed and then with almost comedic timing she stopped laughing and said yes.
Things went along very well, and Ya de ya de yada, we end up talking, sweaty and naked in bed. As it happened I had a candle burning on the chest of drawers past the end of the bed and we were talking and watching the flickering of the shadows. And at this point I decided to be funny and said look I am experimenting with a new form of art, its called shadow art. No laughter, no giggle. What she said is still burned into my ochlea. "Wow David you are sooo smart!" Oh dear god, make 'it' stop speaking!

We start gathering her clothes looking for the stray sock, and belt. Gathering belongings and then she picked up her jeans and I heard a gasp. She was holding up what looked like very expensive jeans and where the crotch was supposed to be, there was a hole the size of a persons fist. Not a tear but a hole. My dog had eaten her crotch right out of her pants. Perfect ending to an era.

2008-03-22T20:18:00.001-07:00

My life as it was on Match.com

Match dot com begins your online experience with a survey asking questions, like so many surveys, that are very personal. The most important part of the survey is the narratives. Also the most dreaded. The first one asks you to describe yourself, and the next to describe your perfect woman. This is how I filled out the survey.

Narrative

Well for Gods sake, this has to be the WORST thing for my ego, since the swirley I got in the tenth grade! I sit here once in a while and reread what I wrote, and relook at my picture and relook at...well anyway, and I think to myself(since I am all freakin' alone!), if I were a girl, no thats too difficult to imagine, if I were gay.....wait no thats even harder,.... if I were a girl, would I be interested in me, and since I know I am not a 'player', honestly would like to be just dont know how yet, I say the answer is YES! "Damn, he's great looking, good shape, has all his hair (thick too!), all his own teeth, tall, great career, and is legitimately looking for someone to be with and is also single". WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR??!! I promise I wont last long, and the '05 models are not any better. I was married, years ago, made it many years, and get this, I was the one who initiated counseling, and not because I cheated either, I didnt. C'mon, how many points do I get for that?? I jog damn near every day, love the mariners. love red wine (bit of a snob too!), love every beer ever made, been to Europe several times, like to dance, go out to Daniels Broiler, run up to Vancouver, walk holding hands and watch movies. If I find you extremely attractive I will probably stare at you constantly, may treat you and SPOIL you like a princess, and may infact revert to being a stalker. They say it's unlikely though. I like sitting, sleeping, standing, moving in jumping-sorts-of-ways, hiking, swimming, throwing, chasing(hate being chased), and everything else. You have no excuse, I will adapt to you and your oddities very much like tapeworms do. And just live happily. A little more seriously though. I am just about the most honest man I know. I will not lie to you or anyone. And I am a genuine giver. My only requirement is you have a nice butt.... Hmmm, I think I am done. Except to say that this is all tongue in cheek humor, say hi to 'hear' the real me!
This is written in the "What you are looking for" Section

I like just about everyone, but there is apparently a requirement for information here so, what do I like? I like women who are in good shape, at least working on it regularly, and who want to make me a priority, in a good way, ya' know? I place a very high priority on women who have belly buttons. Less back hair rather than more is good. Must be the funny, serious, cuddly, sexy, librarian type. Book smarts are good, but street smarts are better if your living on the streets. I don't. If you can teach me how to Scuba, Salsa, or ride the Harley I plan on getting you are a shoooo-in. I dont like '2-face women' (ala Seinfeld), but all needy/independent types are encouraged to apply. If however, you are a big monster truck girl or love NASCAR enough to have a bobblehead with the number 28 on it, we just have no chance. If however you like the symphony, fine dining, cooking together, and have a nice butt, then maybe. It's true I have two kids, but they are part time with me, and I dont introduce them to people I am dating. We would have to prove to be very serious before that would happen. So I am up for sale SOLO, ala' cart. I have a large collection of women friends who you will meet and be able to learn what I am really like. They are like a living breathing resume. And they will all say that I am the best man they have ever met, or something like that. If this was all too goofy for you, well lighten up, it's just supposed to make you smile. I am pretty laid back, very easy going, with a great career, great dog, and all around great life. Single is not my favorite thing, but I am making the most of it, having lots of fun. You won't find me in front of the TV very often, just too busy, but I would settle down next to you if asked. I keep a very clean house, not a bad cook, not great at yard work, and excersize very regularly for my health. The benefit is I have a pretty nice body to boot. I am much more shy than conceited, but I get mistaken for that often. Love to here from you. Bye

Chapter 1

This, sadly was my introduction to the world of online dating, aka The People Catalog. Match.com. If you have tried it, or even looked at it, and I am sure you have by this point, you have to see the allure of it. Hundreds of photos for you to anonymously look at examine up close, even fog the computer screen. You can read their words, see what they want, or so they think, examine where they went to school, how far they went, their present profession, and for many women this is important, men's income level. For those being honest, baggage is left out in the middle of the street for all to analyze. I had 'baggage', good though it may be, having children is baggage to many. I agree, I felt the same way before I had them, so no fault given there. Many women feel this stigma every day, so why not me. It makes sense that not everyone is willing to share their lives with a man who has children. So that being said I found the online dating to be very safe. I put right on the screen that my life included an Ex Wife and children, so I figured whoever went so far as go out with me, knew my 'baggage' up front and we could either move right past it, or deal with it up front. I loved having that OUT there so it was not a surprise later on. There is really nothing quite the look on a woman's face, when clearly the chemistry is bubbling over, and she hears the answer that yes you have kids. It's kinda sad really, for them to try to act all happy and supportive, when they really want to just move on to the guy down at the other end of the bar who has been eyeing her over my shoulder. Everyone with kids who tries to date has felt it. Oh well, I probably did it once myself.

I started thinking about putting some of this down when I came across a profile of a young woman from ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Brazil. She was cute about 5'6", 33 years old with 1 child, long straight black hair and a slim attractive figure. Her income was modest, her job not listed, and her favorite feature was her butt. A very nice profile all in all. I was interested. I read further down and she listed that she would only date men with an income level over 150,000. In her profile she states, "I am fortunate that God gave me above average looks and I know that a man is out there who will appreciate me. I don't care if he is overweight, bald or both. Yet he does have to be successful because I like to be spoiled." Hmmmm. Honesty is a good quality right? She is nothing if not honest, she knows what she wants and knows what she is willing to give for it. A fair trade I suppose.

I keep thinking to myself that maybe I am the only normal person on the entire site. Sitting here in my sweats, with my kids watching Scooby-Doo, endlessly searching through photos. My coffee is cold, my face needs to be shaved and there are hills to be climbed but I sit here and wait for a response from that one, or that one, hmmm that one was really cute too. It's so addictive. Clearly I am not the only normal person on here. We are all addicts, all living on the outside of reality a bit. In fact I think I fit in very well here. This is my life as it is now. Maybe the idea is nuts, to pick out your soul mate from a picture, and a paragraph. But with what seems to be an endless supply of sent and received Winks and notes being sent around how can it not be a numbers game. Play the lottery enough you are bound to win right? This is the lottery at 19.95 a month paid with automatic deductions from your checking account forever. Throw enough mud against the wall and some will stick right? No, it seems only the shit sticks, the mud just falls to the floor and mixes again at the bottom. Throw a Match mixer some night and see how many people have slept with the same people in the room. Damn, and my box of condoms is down to just one.
It does work, I hear it does anyway. I have met some great people from the site, many of whom I still consider friends (not with benefits). I have had a few nice six month or even year long relationships from the site so I know it is possible to work just by going out with enough people. I also know that many of us are desperate, more at some times than others, but that makes us especially vulnerable to the addiction of match. How fantastic is it to come home and see twenty new winks from attractive admirers. Or to finally see a letter from that one person you were sure would never write back. The ego stroke is amazing, and needs to be continued like a drug to maintain. Its tough to turn it off at times. I would find myself walking through my house and peeking in just to check once more. "Damn, no new messages! DAMN! She has not written back yet? That tramp is cheating on me already and we haven't even met yet! Bitch. I know she must be. Ok cool down, maybe she is out of town, maybe uhm….maybe she had friend die. There could be lots of excuses." There are actually feelings like that even in this cyber playground. Feelings get hurt, and tempers get raised over nothing really. But the nothing is HUGE! Its rejection served fast and personal. Over and over. Sure all the good stuff is great, and the ego boosts are super, but the downside is just as far down as the upside is up.

I would have to say that because most people are pretty good, most people on Match are pretty good. So I think there are a lot of new and clever ways to let people down that have arisen from the conversations on this site. Many are very nice and try to be gentle. It is nice to hear someone say, "You look like a really nice guy, but I just don't think you are my type, I am going to pursue other options". Wait, that still sucked and that was as nice as it gets! REJECTION sucks all the time and there are no exceptions. Just like getting an STD, some are just worse than others.

Its tough because for those of us on the site, and I limit my speaking to those who are honestly single and looking, many of us have found it tough to meet people out in the real world. The reasons are as endless as the faces. Bars, nightclubs, coffee shops, playgrounds, are full of beautiful single people all the time, but meeting one is excruciating for some of us. Some people have the gift of gab, others are just plain confident slash cocky, while some of us, are confident in the right situations, and shy in others. As I sit with my adopted dog, Kini (Don't ask), at a Starbucks after a 3 mile run reading the New York Times, I often see an attractive woman, or sometimes women, but cant seem to get past the casual flirting. I know it's my job to go say hi, but there seems to be a lead weight in my ass that keeps me firmly seated. I can 'read' pages of op ed, business, and sports stories and not remember any of it, because my focus is on that woman. I talk myself out of approaching her because that, I feel, would be cheating on my upcoming Match.com dates. Since I have one schedualed tonight with that attractive blond who really seems cool, I shouldn't muddy the waters by asking another woman out, right? What would I have done if had never heard of Match? What would my excuse be then? Any excuse will work. Really Any excuse will work just fine. ' Oh I cant go say hi because I bet she is seeing someone already, or I cant go up and say hi because that Damn Sadaam Husein just makes me so mad!'. Ahh, but if she approached me then it would be fine. I would surely open up and be a bastion of confidence and savvy. Absolutely ask for a phone number before she left. Sigh, it's sad really. Someone slap me. Not too hard though, I'm a pansy.
Ahh, but if she approached me then it would be fine. Sigh, it's sad really. Someone slap me.

So I console myself when she leaves, giving me one last goodbye look, by saying that I have several dates set up for the next week from Match, so I am not really alone. Hmmmm.

Here is what I have found to be the biggest flaw of the online dating scene. Honesty is clearly number one, so really this is number two. It's so hard to stop. You may be lucky enough, and I have, to have met a woman, or a man, who really is very nice. Someone you really can't find an obvious flaw with, and are at least moderately attracted to. But you go home, and search again. After talking on the phone for an hour, and meeting a second time, you go home and check your email again, to see if that one you had your eye on has written back yet. Maybe the one with the photo on his boat, or with the incredible body and long legs. Then you see a new face, new to Match, new to online dating, maybe you can get her before she is inundated with thousands of competitors, or worse yet, maybe you have a new wink from a serious Hottie. No problem right, you still have a third date set up so you have nothing to lose and everything to gain right? Go for it.

Let's see how many am I dating right now? Hard to say really because several have not called back in a few days, so they are clearly dating others, and some I am not sure I want to date anyways. I will though, of course. Better than sitting at home. Several more have shown enough interest to let me know that we will get together soon, so do they count?

I had after my marriage a woman I was deeply in love with. More so than anyone ever in my life. We dated long distance for over a year and even though I had kids and she did not, she agreed to be my wife and move up to Seattle from beautiful Monterey Ca. Tough move anyone would have to agree. We met at a conference down in Anaheim at an after hours party that was just getting started. I looked across the room and only because I had a 'wingman' was I confident enough to go up to her and talk with her. I was mesmerized. That second I said this was the right woman for me, and I was going to do everything I could to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. The weekend ended with virtually no work being accomplished by either of us, and we promised to see each other every other weekend from then on. We did, and it was absolutely magical. Pure Romance.

I wonder now, even though that relationship sadly ended, if I would have felt that same attraction to her had it just been a photo and a paragraph that I was looking at. Was she beautiful, absolutely? Are there more attractive women, maybe more photogenic women, yes of course. What would have happened if her photo was right below another that I found, physically more attractive? Would I have even said hi? I don't know, I do know that I have seen women who are probably wonderful people and past them by because of their photogenic qualities. I may have even said hi, and may have even met her for a drink. But with six more dates lined up behind her, two I have already dated and feel I know, and maybe one I have already slept with, how would I be in the right perspective to feel the spark that I felt down in Anaheim? The time I spent with my now ex-fiancé changed my life, my family and the way I see everyone around me. It was an amazing growth period and I think I would have missed out on it all, had I only seen or even met her on Match.

It is sadly the more I think about it, the pretty people who are most likely to fail with this site. Those who have lots of options, and who get inidated with complementary mail have the least chance of success and only because of the endless options. At what point do you cancel the subscription and call the date for tomorrow and cancel? Which of your best friends would agree with this statement made by you; "I am not going to even meet the handsome young Orthodontist with an income of 275k per year because I really like the guy I met today. So, I am going to call and cancel my date and really explore this guy." I know that is the right thing to do, but could you? Would your friends let you? Hell no! He is good looking wealthy and single. The guy you met today is really great and all, but this next guy will be better. It doesn't have to be about money, it isn't all the time, it could be really any number of different qualities you could substitute for the word wealthy, like, body, face, education, hair (or lack of it), tattoos, interests(at least how they are written). Maybe the guy or gal you met today was great, but the next one plays guitar, or rides a harley so off you go on the next date.

Now imagine you return from your date, a bit unimpressed. Sure he was a handsome orthodontist but something wasn't right, your not sure but if the word 'chemistry' fits anywhere in relationships its here. There was none. He laughed too loud, or worse, not at all. Had terrible breath, funny because he is a dentist. He hates cats, it could be anything, but the question now is what is next. You would go home, be a bit let down, and what then? Call mister wonderful from yesterday? Maybe, but first lets look at who else is on here I like. "Ooh he/she wrote back"

We are all on different pages when we meet, that is what makes this all so difficult. Some just broken up, some long since healed, but we meet and put our best faces on. I once heard a saying "Whoever loves the least wins". So let's say I am ready, which I am, and I meet a nice successful woman, who, well you know, kinda does it for me. Interests me, excites me, so I take my profile off of match. Even go so far as to decline a couple of dates with the polite message "Thank you for your interest, but I am going to pursue another person right now." Jump in with both feet, and find out after an investment of emotion and money that she was just out to play. I get hurt, because although love was not involved there was an investment on my end. She is fine because I was just another fun weekend to her. So how do we know? Who is being honest, how much emotion to give and when? I threw myself at my Ex Fiancé heart and soul, and had an amazing experience one I hope to duplicate with a better outcome at some point, but those opportunities out in real life are not as common as in the online world. We can gamble more because the odds are less of being back in that situation again anytime soon. Online, however the opportunities don't end even when you are dating someone. They are endless. How much are you gambling when there are ten more interested choices right in front of you, and you haven't even done a search in two weeks. It is hard for a lot of people to really put much 'out there' for that reason. Those that do risk opening up their hearts before the other is really 'off' of match are in for a heartache. Which by the way after extensive testing has been found to actually be worse than the brain-freeze given by milkshakes.

What is to keep you from sneaking a peak while in a lull in a good relationship? Maybe you have had a bad week with her, maybe she has been out of town, whatever, but checking online is easy and quick. See who may be looking, who is new and attractive. Maybe see you have some new winks. It's all so addictive. The high needs to be satisfied. I wonder, for the thousandth time if I will ever find someone again, and if I do will it be 'when I least expect it' like all of my friends say? If so how is it possible to be on match where I don't just expect it, I am paying for it.

My most recent contact is leaving town for the holidays and will return after the first of the year. She left that in her letter to me that we would compare horror stories, and I realized that I really do belong here. She is of course normal, I am normal, but both of us probably represent someone else's horror story. I have had some incredibly bad dates and can't imagine how anyone would ever consider me to have been that bad, but who knows. There has probably been a couple who were not as attractive in person, to me, as in the photos they posted, and probably one or two were able to see it in my face. I am sure I have hurt some feelings and have ended up being a story told over a gin and tonic in a living room somewhere. Maybe I came across as too needy, too attentive, or too drunk. No accounting for taste is there? It's all relative, and we all want different things. I can't imagine spending any time with a woman who watches NASCAR, but that is really nothing more than geography. Had I been raised in one of the southern states, I would be popping a Budweiser resting it on my belly, leaving a wet circle in my already yellowed t-shirt, and watching it with her. As it is, monster trucks, car racing, and motocross are not only not my hot buttons, they turn me off. Just as easily I can turn someone off by either poking fun at those or just being honest in my feelings for them. I believe that there are women who actually prefer mullets. National Geographic may do a special one day and we can see where they live, and how we can prevent them from reproducing but right now I know they are out there, and that is enough for me. Every one wants different things. I, I have finally realized, as perfect as I often think I am, am not for everyone. I am an aquired taste.

I have been off and on the online dating scene for almost four years. Often with long periods of inactivity, six months here and there, 18 months once and lots of shorter relationships. I have met some great women, all for an assortment of reasons, not right for me, but super people everyone. All of them I would love to see again and talk about current relationships and how life is going. But then there are the horror stories. I was once contacted by a 24 year old, now don't get mad, that is below my age limit, but she really wanted to go out, and had lots of education, or so her profile said, so I thought why not. I would like to see a movie anyway, and the company might be nice. I called her, and through her giggles accompanied by her male friend in the background, we set a time and place to meet. I was to pick her up downstairs outside of her condo in downtown Seattle. After hanging up I had to shake off the feeling that something was really wrong with this, and even went so far as to call my best friend and ask for an emergency call. Know what that is? Of course, we have all done it, it's the call to help you escape. The call that you can act like is an emergency and excuse yourself from the horror before getting swallowed up by it. I think just the idea that I have ever had an emergency call set up probably would make every new woman I ever date, if they knew, a bit nervous. But what options do we have, really? Some of us don't come with a 'rude' button, and being rude actually causes us visceral discomfort aka butterflies in the stomach. If you know you have to leave, know this is not working, know this person would be completely unable to reproduce successfully if the world came to an end. How do you excuse yourself? Some would just do it. "CLICK" Push the rude button, and out the door. Slide into their car and laugh about the date and how they left it to their closest friend who would of course appreciate the sheer audacity of the rudeness and laugh also. This is sooo much better than what I have to go through. Why, no balls, well yes that is part of it I suppose. A little too in touch with my softer side, well yes again, some would argue that. But somehow this is the way I am currently wired and without a near death experience which I hear makes people either nicer or meaner, I can only hope for the later, I am helpless to be one who feels guilt and worries about other peoples feelings.

Well I parked downstairs and waited for her to come down. She did, and only 5 minutes late, not too bad nowadays. Quick hug hi and into the car we went off to the restaurant she picked, a sushi place that has had great reviews. My red flag sensors were on, like always, nothing too scary just looking for some feature that I knew I could not live with, but so far through her incessant talking all that she said that was odd was how hungry she was. Famished. Starving, have to eat now! She went on to tell me how grumpy she can get when she is this hungry and starts to hurry me along. Ok fine, she is hungry. We get in to the restaurant and take seats at the sushi bar, order drinks and dinner. Great no problem. YET. Being sushi, the food is served quickly and like a lioness on a kill her head drops to about 3 inches from her food and she begins shoveling. Sip. I take a drink, and push my food around a bit, eyeing her on my right. I check my sleeves to make sure nothing will get caught in the shredder there. I take a few bites and another sip, feel its time to learn a bit about my date. She had profiled herself as being quite the little thinker and I was anxious to learn something about what she was doing. So I then turn and ask how her studies were going in advanced calculus, and micro economics. She quietly looks up from her food, with a bite still on her fork, turns her head just enough and says, 'I don't like to talk while I am eating.' Hmmmm. What the hell do I say to that? Nothing, clearly she does not want any speaking at all, so what am I here for anyway? I think I know the answer and it is sitting in my back pocket and also contains my drivers license, and pictures of my kids as well as the credit card she was interested in. Siiiiip! I take a bigger drink. I finish my smaller plate and keep nursing my drink. I had a feeling this would be it, not giving up yet mind you, just not sure I wanted another drink yet and add to my already hefty bill. At that point she looks up and asks me a question, first one all night, and thank god it's about me. One I can answer and speak about. She wanted to know a bit about my job, what my days were like. Normal stuff. So when I finish, all of two minutes later, I assume she is out of her mood, hope I don't see it ever again, and I ask about how her history classes were going…..Short silence, and I should have known, I certainly feared what was about to come again. She removes her lips from the bite now under chin and says simply, "I don't like to talk about that while I am eating". Well I am not very bright, known it all my life and had lots of people tell me so, but I knew that this date was over and I had just been stuck with another sixty dollar tab. So I turned around, facing the entrance, finished my drink and politely let her devour the rest of her meal. Once the tab was settled, "No thanks I will get it" Oh right she did not offer, we left and got back in my car. At this point she farted.

I sat there for a second and just stared straight ahead not sure how to proceed with what I knew had to be done. I had to end this date, right now in the middle of it, and to listen to her, she had no idea. So I simply turned and said so. Honesty right? I let her know that I wanted to take her home now and that the date was over, that I was just not comfortable with her and even though I was sure we were both great people we weren't right for each other…..Silence. Did I mention there was a quiet spell, sort of like the sound that existed just ten seconds before the big bang. Nothing, no birds, no engine it was a vacuum and I was nervous. There is still a stain on the driver's door upholstery where she exploded and blew the hair gel out of my hair.

All the way back to her place she tossed insults and tried to get under my skin, but I had had it, so I just wanted to drop her off and go drink myself into forgetfulness as quickly as possible. Maybe shower to remove the all over feeling of ickiness she had left on me. As we take a left and come around her block towards her front entrance,she says happily to me, "oh you can park right over there' and she points to a spot that is open. Park?...Did she say Park? Had she been conscious the last fifteen minutes? Park? Well park meant stopping, and the way I felt right then I was thinking she was lucky if I slowed down. I'd just lean over her and pull the little lever and push. So I say no I will pull in right here, an illegal spot but it was just for a minute so why not. I stop the car, put it in park and wait. Nothing. She isn't moving. In fact she even turns sideways with her back up against the car door and faces me with her arms crossed. What the seven hells can she want? She is absolutely scaring me right then. She might be small, but I could tell by looking at her that she could take me. Just go, end the misery, go now back up to your friend upstairs, hang upside down like a bat, whatever just go.
But then she says something (Put the word something in perspective. This is like God saying "I want to make something" and then creating the universe and life as we know it) that I will never forget. "Can I at least have a hug?" (Insert Psycho music here) And before I can speak she crawls over the center console, and lays full body on me with her arms wrapped around my neck. Now can all of you count to fifteen, and say 'one thousand' after each number? I learned that as a way to measure approximate seconds, and I would like you to do that now. One one thousand, Two one thousand, Three one thousand…..fourteen one thousand, and finally fifteen one thousand. Oh God she is still on me, and my arms are getting tired holding them straight out like Herman from the Munsters when he walked around with the steel bucket on his head. I haven't touched her yet. My prayer was answered and she peeled herself off of me then, turned and left. I grabbed my hand sanitizer.
Many of my worst dates, have been my fault. Now I see it as being all my fault and being, like I said, not very bright, all I can do is learn from my mistakes and try not to make them again. Being a man, some mistakes cannot be avoided, especially when alcohol is involved but others I should be able to get a handle on. This is one of them.

One eye. That was it. That was all the photo had, a very sexy eye, with a lock of dark brown hair lazily drifting down and curling around. She said she was an attorney and had a very clever profile, speaking right to my heart. Traveling, to sunny countries, with lots of warm water, dancing and drinks with little orange slices in them. Scuba diving, in fact she was a master, and could train. She could train me. We spoke, via email for about a week, tossing back and forth idle chit chat, and finally decided to meet for a quick lunch, both being very busy, we chose to eat at Red Robin. Fast right, order a quick salad or burger from a nineteen year old blond named Carly. She will drop the check with the food, clearly telling us we are no more use to her. No problem. Fast… Not fast enough.

I was there first, waiting in the lobby with a table all ready for us, and she arrived. No wonder only one eye was visible; the camera could not have taken much more than that all at once. No, not that bad, just not my type. But we can all at least enjoy the meal and learn something new so no harm done, right? Well maybe not. We make some small talk about diving and traveling, and I learn something new right out of the gate. I learned that in order to wear a dry suit while diving I would have to take a specialty class. Well there you go, the afternoon paid for right there, I always assumed it was a choice of how much someone wanted to spend on a suit rather than education. So we settle in and maybe it was nervousness on her part that made her start to spill over uncontrollably, as if I was removing her nails with pliers and demanding her to talk, I don't know, I really don't, but something in that woman's head told her that it would be fine to offer up her darkest secrets to me, a man she met 11 minutes ago. Now with two salads and a couple of cokes in between us, we were apparently long time friends. She looks up after a nice laugh about a diving adventure in Belize, and starts her story. I am on Match, she says, because I am trying to get over what my now ex husband did. 'What?' I say, foolishly, now I just want to punch myself in the forehead for asking, but I cant put a lid on compassion and manners. Well, she says, I had to help put him in jail for molesting our 13 year old adopted daughter…blocked detail..blah, blah, blocked detail. Then. Silence. Then hear myself screaming in my head "CHECK PLEASE!!", but amazingly nothing came out. The rest is kind of a blur, but I do remember divorce papers being served to him in prison, and the daughter being returned to the mother. There were a lot of other details I blocked out. I guess its Sort of like what I do when Im scanning the headlines of the local paper. "Family left homeless after freak elephant rampage tears through living room only the youngest children and oldest women were killed, George Bush rules" "Forty year old man loses fingers after being caught watching porn on laptop by wife". "Governor race in Washington State ends with more than 2.5 million votes counted and yet only a difference of only 42 separates the two. Forty two?? Out of two million five hundred thousand people the difference was only forty two? Huh? No way! Who makes this shit up anyways? Damn local papers. That's why I stick to the big one. The New York Times. I don't care if its liberal, I like it, and I like it that they advertise $5500 watches inside the Scene section. I feel like I can afford them after seeing them so often. I know that if I am seen looking at them I have to use the perfect casual smirk, it's a look I need to have on my face tells that person I think these watches are under priced. The Real Estate section is nothing but advertisements for 2.5 million dollar townhouses in Manhattan and I just love it. People look over my shoulder as I slowly move my fingers down the page saying things like ooohhh, this one looks good, or no, only a 176 degree view. Nope I deserve the full 180.
I am not very photogenic. I think this is the quality that makes models and movie stars, who they are, this odd photogenic quality. There are a few features that can be measured and predicted but by and large the people you see up close on a TV or movie screen do not look that good in real life. I however, am just the opposite, I look better in real life. Go figure. But try to explain that to a hot young executive who has several hundred other men, a few women, maybe even a couple or two, writing her and wooing her with prose, and promises. "Ride with me in BMW 7series, you will be the first to touch the passenger seat I promise". "I am flying in my new Cessna to my beach house on Orcas Island, and I would like you to join me. It's just for the weekend, and my wine cellar needs rotating. Maybe you would like to help me 'get rid' of some of the older stock."

I however am left trying to explain how that patch of hair between my eyes is really just the shadow of a caterpillar crossing my forehead, and I will try to get another photo out ASAP. NO that space between my teeth, yes I know it looks like I am missing a tooth, but no, it just the way they look on….Oh the squinty eyes?, uhm well yes that is really how they look, ok, have a good day. NEXT!

This is also true but in reverse for women. I think the company Glamour shots started this trend in the eighties, where extremely average, at best, girls or women could have massive amounts of paint, hairspray, and lots of camera "Magic" added together to come up with their one best photo ever. The one that sits on their desks, and people ask, wow is that your daughter? 'No, it's me about two months ago'. 6 hours of painstaking FX work can make someone look like or anything, for that matter. These are the photos women contribute. Hmmm, well I have been told men do it as well, but I can't imagine to the same degree. I mean what can you do with a comb over and lighting to make your bald shiny head look less like you have 3 chins, and a broken nose. Not much. But I dated this one woman, who because of her profession will have to remain completely in obscurity. She and I talked for weeks before meeting. Weeks, where I would actually look forward to talking to her after a long ay, or after a business trip. Her few photos online were breathtaking, and I could hardly believe that such a vision would wait for me, when I was so busy. Every photo looked better than the last, and they looked pretty normal, undoctored. A few days before we met, she let me know that she was nervous I would not like the way she looked, and I just laughed, c'mon, are you crazy? You are spectacular. She had been a professional model earlier, and even though she admitted to putting on a few pounds this last year, she still looked great. I was not nervous, I don't mind a gorgeous woman who has a little extra. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes after all. No worries. So I traveled to see her on our prescribed weekend, leaving work early and expecting to 'meet' her at about 8:00pm that night. We met just how we planned it, she was already a little drunk, from being nervous to meet me, she said, I had had a couple myself, so we were even, but, I have to say, she looked very little like how she appeared in the photos. They were clearly her, but somehow things were not put together as well as they were in the photos. It was something I just kept looking at over and over trying to figure out. Later I got to see her in an acting performance and there she was gorgeous, but next to me she was average, pretty, sweet, even dressed well, but all in all about average. How could this be? She was just the exact opposite from me. Somehow her features blended together in such a way as to make her spectacular from a distance or on film, but in person….ehh. Even so, she dumped me.
Some people seem to really have it together and I envy them, like my dog envies the stray running around my neighborhood. Some seem to have active lives that revolve around things, or activities, or say something really odd like friends and family. Mine never has. I am active, I run 3-4 miles a day or so, work out, and try to keep my heart and lungs healthy, I work hard, and spend a lot of time with my kids after school helping with homework and putting together dinners for them. After all of that, I usually try to do my one activity that I am completely addicted to. Spend time with women. I don't necessarily have to be sleeping with them, I just like their company. I have many women who are friends that I would never sleep with, if nothing else because I cherish the friendship too much to jeopardize it with sex.

No one goes to a used car lot unless they are thinking about buying a car, and that is the appeal of a dating web site. Its easier to step up and say hi because you know the situation of the person you are stepping up to. Some of us just have too vivid of imaginations to be able to do that in another situation. I can see a beautiful woman, who may even smile at me, and my mind is off to the races imagining her successful boyfriend waiting for her out in the car. Little do I even realize that she is probably single and interested. Its my imagination, and lack of self confidence that so often gets in my way. I can be nearly anywhere, and being not terrible to look at, I get flirty looks that I just cannot seem to turn into phone numbers. I have the feeling that many women really don't want, once they have experienced, the kind of guy who has the balls to go right up to them and get their number. Not a universal truth for sure, but many of the best guys just have enough of a shy streak or too good an imagination to step up to the plate.
There have been many times when I am in a great relationship, sitting in a nice lounge waiting for my date, and I get the look from a stranger that tells me she is interested, and I think to myself with my most cocky smirk I can imagine, "Oh I could have her", just walk right up and…, Crap who am I trying to kid. I could do it only while I was in a relationship, because I would have the confidence of a woman to fall back on, but then my motivation would be different wouldn't it? Hmmmm, have you ever tried to give away a pair of tickets at a game last minute? That feels easy, like a comfortable charitable friendly thing to do, right? Try to sell them for face value or worse yet scalp them for more, and you are likely to be able to relate to what I am talking about in motivation. No one likes to feel like they are selling something, funny because that is about all I do, but still, selling yourself feels, well….icky. Talking, however to an attractive woman, when I know its not my motivation is easy. I do it all day long. Sad, really it is. Too bad after inventing Viagra to help men keep themselves at attention for 'up to four hours',(OUCH), they could invent a drug to make shy guys less likely to hold back and more likely to go for it, even when she is clearly out of our league… Till then we have tequila.
Chatting online is something I am not entirely comfortable with. Today for example I just got back from a nice run out in the rain with my dog, and when I got back to my computer there were two women who wanted to chat with me, from Match. I find it both fun and tiring at the same time. How do I have sit and have a nice quiet pause in the conversation, maybe to look around, or get coffee, and not look rude. 'BRB' only works so well, and eventually you just want the person to either come over or get off of my damn computer. Thank God I have not taken the advice of some people to install a web cam. Crap, I would stop coming into my den altogether. Who wants that? Sure at 6 bucks a minute, ahem, or what the going rate, some can do very well at it, but I want to be able to pick my nose in my house, or wear dirty underwear, I don't want every woman I am trying to convince that I am genetically superior, to see all of this. It's a terrible idea. I don't even like chatting before I brush my teeth.

Today I had, like I said two women who wanted to chat, but for completely different reasons. The first is a very nice woman who I have talked with before nearly two years ago, and we just sort of ran into one another again on the match site. We talked about the weather up where she is at, shopping, work, kids and entertainment. Very nice. Finally it was time for me to get some lunch so I said good bye, but before I could leave the den the second woman say "Hi". She had her proverbial ankles around her ears in about 2 minutes. Cyber sex. Odd, weird, and no payoff. Hard to pass up, as a guy, but eventually it just seems like I am a Unich in the Harem of the great Sultan unable to touch or be touched. What is the point I ask you? Just dirty talk, ooh maybe a dirty photo too, but eventually it all leads to the same place…no where. That is the same reason I don't like to go to strip clubs, without a date that is, because its all such a tease. Why would I spend good money to get more and more frustrated? I am frustrated everyday of my life, that is the last thing I would hand over money to do.

Sometimes someone not being how you hoped they would look is the problem, sometimes that's not it at all. What happens when its not a physical problem? What do you do when they are just...well, uhm, ahem. Dumb as a fucking rock?
She was a very attractive older woman. About 4 years older than me. Small, very very small. Maybe four foot eleven and just barely pushing 90 lbs. We met for drinks and a talk and ended up going bowling. Still not sure how that happened but I think I was trying to be funny and might have suggested it, and of course she laughed and then with almost comedic timing she stopped laughing and said yes.
Things went along very well, and Ya de ya de yada, we end up talking, sweaty and naked in bed. As it happened I had a candle burning on the chest of drawers past the end of the bed and we were talking and watching the flickering of the shadows. And at this point I decided to be funny and said look I am experimenting with a new form of art, its called shadow art. No laughter, no giggle. What she said is still burned into my ochlea. "Wow David you are sooo smart!" Oh dear god, make 'it' stop speaking!

We start gathering her clothes looking for the stray sock, and belt. Gathering belongings and then she picked up her jeans and I heard a gasp. She was holding up what looked like very expensive jeans and where the crotch was supposed to be, there was a hole the size of a persons fist. Not a tear but a hole. My dog had eaten her crotch right out of her pants. Perfect ending to an era.

Relationships and the New Car smell

2008-03-22T20:16:00.001-07:00

There are several smells that are universally loved, smells that make everyone take a deep breath and sigh, "Oh that is good". Fresh bread, babies, puppies, and new cars are a few of those, and I am know there are more, many more, flowers for example, but those four are absolutely wonderful by anyone's standards. Find me someone who does not like the smell of a new car, for example, and I will show you a person who is either a liar or a smoker. It's a great smell.

I remember the first car that I had that had that smell, and I remember it so well its embarrassing. It was a brand new Black Jeep Cherokee with tan leather-like interior. My god, I thought I had truly arrived when I got that. I thought I was unstoppable, and clearly a man to be reckoned with if anyone were to pay attention, which they weren't. But the smell was what tipped the scales when I was thinking about whether to fork over that much money, or to go get a nice sensible used car. The smell was more convincing than the salesman, and let me tell you he was a shark. I was way out of my league when I was dealing with this fellow, then when he so carefully introduced me to the intoxicating aroma, the 'buy-me I am better than heroin' smell, I was lost. I bought it. Damn him. He was my first drug dealer and I am still addicted.

I loved that smell so much I used to keep the windows up just to try to preserve it. I opened and closed my doors as quickly as I could, just like I do with my refrigerator at home trying to keep the cold air inside. Something kids just don't understand, do they? I would spend as much time in that rig as I could, driving everyone everywhere. It didn't matter how far it was, or who it was. Hell I would have picked up a hitchhiker and taken them to ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Iowa for all I cared. Just to be in that truck, my truck.

It wasn't just the smell of course. I loved the new toy for being a new toy. I wanted to push every button, use every feature. I wanted the four wheel drive to be tested out, to dig the knobby wheels into some mud and escape where a Prius would sink, drown and die much like the dinosaurs in the La Brea Tar Pits did. Some archeologist would dig it up and find a pencil necked geek, with his graphing calculator and inhaler in a thousand years and think that we all drove cars made out of aluminum foil, and all had breathing difficulties. It's the same way rumors get started. Seeing, or hearing just a piece and making assumptions. Its also the way Threes Company's plot line ran every week, and it seemed to work for them so maybe I should not knock it.

Eventually, and you already know where I am going with this, the shiny black rig with the knobby tires, and chrome trailer hitch became just a tool to get from one spot to another. It became mundane. Useful, pretty to look at, but mundane. It seems that no matter how nice anything is that we may buy, it won't help us when we are having a bad day. When we need a hug, or a person to talk to. Every new thing in our lives will quickly find itself put into the category of mundane as soon as we are having troubles that it cant fix. That beautiful new truck of mine did not care that I was struggling to make the payments, or that while I was driving it, I was stressed out because life at home was not great. The Jeep, couldn't help me when my mom was sick. It became just a car at that point that got me from where I was to where I needed to be and back. It just became only useful.

This brings me to a question. When does a partner stop being greatest joy in our lives, and just become reliable, dependable…useful? It seems the newness of a purchase works on us about the same way as the newness of a new love. You buy a new Jimmy Choo purse (yes he has purses too, expensive ones of course), and you will love it for how long? Quite a while probably. I would expect you would take great care of it, and hope you are seen with it out in public because you are proud to be seen with it. You will for a time find yourself staring at it from across the room, or casually setting it down on a chair and looking at it out of the corner of your eye trying to imagine what others see when they look at it. Can they see the tag? Can they see how beautiful it is?

Purses may not be your thing and you may find yourself confused. This could be uhm… well it could be shoes (yes a lot more of you understand the obsession with 'new' now), could be a horse, could be a dress, or almost anything. Personal tastes being what they are, I cant even scratch the surface of the variety of things that might 'do-it' for you. But you get it, right? New is good, old is well…still good, just not as exciting. Dependable maybe.

Currently I have two cars, one I drive for work, most of the time, and the other I bring out in the evenings or on weekends. Not too uncommon I don't think. Make one car the work horse to preserve the other one a bit longer than it would last otherwise. The weekend car is more enjoyable to drive in, a bit more flashy (not a lot), and has a lot more gadgets to play with, some I still don't fully understand. Anyway, the weekend car has been having some problems lately and has cost me quite a lot of money just to keep it going. Now I find that I am nervous when driving it, listening more intently for unusual clicks, thumps or creaks. Every time hearing something or feeling something that seems odd, I get nervous thinking about the mechanics greasy hand taking my credit card and smiling. However my older work car, with well over one hundred and seventy thousand miles on it, which enough to drive around the planet just over seven times, has an 'old reliable' feel to it. I get in, and know exactly when its going to bump or thump, and I know if there is a problem later on, it wont be an issue. Simple problems for a simple car. I can trust my old car, where my new one does not give me the sense of peace of mind, at least not yet. Trust comes with time. The less problems and the easier to fix they are when they arise, over the most amount of time equals the most trust. Marriages work the same way.

I remember being married, it was quite a long time ago now, but still I remember it well. I remember not just the tough ending, the last two dark years, but I remember the good times too. These are the memories that make me think positively about finding a new wife. I remember after the initial excitement (and endless sex that comes with any new relationship) we settled into a very nice groove, one where trust was building, and peace of mind was growing. Years and years we spent together and I remember going to sleep at night, and waking up in the mornings feeling like I was the luckiest man on the planet. I was so grateful to be in such a great place with her I really could not have imagined a better life. Life was, it seemed, perfect. Even though I am a man and notice other beautiful women I had no interest in attempting to be with them. I was more than content with what I had.

Life being what it is, however, means that good things don't always last. And some of us are/were not mature enough, to ride out what might have been just a long, but temporary dark tunnel. The newness had worn off, and I was seeing her as she was, nothing more than a person. She had desires, and aspirations that were unique to her, that changed as she got older. Not everything was part of our partnership and not every bump was something she was willing to ride out with me, nor I with her. I began to see her, not as the princess that I married, but just as a person who leaves a smell in the bathroom like any of my two hundred and fifty pound male friends. She was just a person. Sometimes likeable, sometimes not but nonetheless reliable and trustworthy. As was I. But can that be enough?

I think whenever this point hits us, a lot of us anyway, we begin to look and wonder what life would be like if we were single. We listen to our friends bragging about the parties, and see good looking young guys hitting on bikini-clad girls at the beach and reminisce remembering that we were once playing those one of those roles maybe both if you live on Capital Hill. We begin to miss the excitement, and accept the knowledge that there will never be another First Kiss, which is the most passionate, tender and exciting of all the various kisses ever invented. This can make us sad, and if things are not going well at home already, the place that should be our one true sanctuary, where we should be able to come back and find only love, warmth and support waiting, then its natural to feel a bit claustrophobic in a relationship. The little ring on your finger might begin to feel like it has more weight. Might feel like there are tiny but unbreakable chains attached to it leading back to a person that you would just as well not see today, much less interact with.

I checked last week at Wal-Mart for crystal balls for just this time in our lives but they were out. Seems the witches who make them are demanding health benefits and Wal-Mart is not coming up with a good offer, so they are on an indefinite back-order. Without this soothsaying ability how will know if we have hitched our wagon to the right horse or not? How will we know how much longer this darkness will last, or if it's just like we fear and is never going to get any better? How can we know that it will get better, that we will fall back in love, but love for the right reasons this time if we just give it more time and effort? How can we know? Do we have the stamina to run this marathon when so many are dropping off to the side and leaving the race? I didn't and being where I am today, a single and relatively happy man, I can only council my friends that life is not all good with a new car, and it's not necessarily better with a new person either. Maybe at first, when the polish is still fresh and the bathroom still smells like soap, but each of us, and everyone around us has issues that will pop up at some point in the relationship, and the decision needs to made. Listen to the slick car salesman waving intoxicating smells your way, or stick it out and make what you know can be reliable work forever.

Life Online...or Online Lies rather

2008-03-22T20:14:00.002-07:00

Online life has become for most of us, unfortunately, normal. Damn, did you hear that...normal. Most of us do not think twice about two hours online in the evening. Especially when there is a good red wine in the house. What are we doing for so long, night after night? Its so simple...we are simply talking to imaginary people. Yes. We are interacting with, in many cases absolute fiction. Its really almost like reading, so lets all have some kudos for that, being that the strangers we talk with, bond with, maybe get sticky with are in many cases making up everything we see. Our brains get sold by the visuals, our naturally trusting personalities makes it easier to believe. The beauty, the face, the background, the career, the airplane. Each piece going together to fit perfectly with at least one other person. One person who will absolutly believe the whole show. What entertainment. Not watching sureal TV, but rather entering sureal. Living it, and going to bed each night thinking about it. You might have just done that last night. Are you sure its really real? Are you really, really sure? Okay.

Our worlds are nothing more than perceptions, each of us percieving different things, noticing different things, even being bothered by things many would not notice...like that misspelled word. That just drove someone nuts. Each of these perceptions changes our feelings and moments. Changing thoughts and attention. And most of all changing our beliefs. And what is the world if not made up of perceptions and beliefs. Truth is in the eye of the beholder. Israel, or Palistine. Who tells the truth? They both do, it just depends what they believe, what they have perceived and who you ask.

So our online worlds work the same way. This makes online dating even more difficult. Pictures are only worth something when notarized I think. Maybe drivers licenses should be madated for online dating. But worse than just hearing what you want to hear, and seeing what you hope is there. More than just having a bad date, or a wasted night. Each of those leads to nothing less than a great story that can be enjoyed over and over. Which really is a gift. But worse than that are the myspace liars. Myspace is so easy a venue for making up entire people. This is where love is formed out of nothing, made of nothing, destined for less than nothing. This is where boys become lesbians looking to swap pics with other lesbians, but actually are swapping pics with who...?C'mon you know the answer. Yes with other boys. This is where hackers stalk, and steal faces to become their own. Where relationships can be destroyed with deceptions because it is so easy to hear whatever voice we expect when reading words. Its our perceptions of what is really happening that makes it true for us. If you read the greatest insult ever written by your best friend. A deep well thought out and hateful insult. How would you feel. What if it was a stranger using the face of your friend and combining it with their own words. Did it still hurt, did it have consequenses. Were the effects real?
What if you fall in love. How do you know if it is real or not. So much can be made up, hopes can get so high, the dangers can begin to get so great. How will we all be careful and yet be open to wonderous possibilities. What if you fell in love online, the love was real, but someone who was made up told you the person you were in love with was fake. Told you that there was lots to show the person was entirely fiction. How would you feel. Who would you believe when they are both online? What if you acted on that information and ended the relationship but it turned out to be real after all. What an enormous loss that would have been. What if you did not call it off and the other person was pretend? This is called, in the great words of Garfield "Riding the ragged edge of disaster".
Which is worse, falling in love and finding out it is false, or falling in love and finding out its true but losing it because of a falsehood. Dangerous place to play. Our perceptions are our realities. Heartbreak is real and it hurts like hell. Online is often fake, but still can lead to heartbreak. You need to wear your condoms, all of you.

Mars and Venus...No. Men are stupid, women are Nuts

2008-03-22T20:14:00.001-07:00

To say that there are a few things that men don't 'get' is a bit like saying gonorrhea is irritating. Its just does not capture the magnitude of the reality or convey it properly. We don't. And the worst part is, for those of us who don't have the extra X chromosome our gay brethren have, we never will. The apparent sheer weight of the information that we don't get would be enough to stop a team of Clydesdales in their tracks running downhill. It would be too easy for you to start listing some of these items so don't. I won't remember tomorrow anyway. But on the many occasions I have had my eyebrows blown off by a woman's wrath; I have heard a few of them and managed to memorize them by writing them on the back of my hand with my own blood. In fact you may find this surprising but I, and most men, find profound joy in hearing something from a woman and realizing that what she just said was bothering her was something we could actually do something about…if we could just remember it. If I could just hold that thought even when my Team is up by one with two minutes to go (which does not count for anything in the realm of Women), or remember it when all I have thought about all day long before coming home from work was my hammock and a beer. These are the times when multi-tasking would be an asset. I could do both then couldn't I? I could enjoy my beer and my game and at the same time be doing whatever it was that I really should have been doing to keep my house from going through the sudden climate change to sub-arctic with her glare.

You see knowledge is not necessarily what we as men lack, although that may be arguable, it's the noticing part, the remembering part, and the multi-tasking parts of the brain that are simply not available to us. Or don't exist. Honestly, most men do not like living with dirt on the kitchen or bathroom floor, we dont strive for it, but we have a higher threshold for dirt than most women, so we don't notice as soon as you do. We don't necessarily like having neighbors make fun of us and our lawns or the fact that the dandelions from our yard are seeding the western half of the neighborhood, but our tolerance level is set a bit higher than most women. We don't really want to wear smelly, dirty clothes but those are relative terms and so if we can't see the dirt, which we already determined is a failing of ours, and can't smell our own scent, then its clean enough. You see if we truly did not care about our clothes, we would not sniff them at all. That shows caring, right?

Is it fair for you to assume that by taking one of our kind in and making a mutual habitation agreement, that we will suddenly stop being the man we have been the whole time? Would that be a reasonable thought? Not to a man. A man realizes that by sharing a residence with a woman, she will continue to enjoy hideous colors on the walls, maybe even flowers or dolphins. That you will continue to enjoy things that smell bad to us, like potpourri and lilac candles. We don't expect for women in any way to change what we fell for in the beginning. There is a common understanding that what we see is what we get.

Is this the same understanding given to men by their female counter parts, that what you see, what you have known and fallen for is exactly what you are going to get….maybe forever? Does it make logical sense, and I realize that logic is to women what multi-tasking is to men. But using logic does it make sense that once we move in together men should start acting like women, but women keep acting like women? That men should stop expressing the very masculine traits that attracted their new partner to them in the first place? To cease, in many way, being male? Doesn't that seem then that two females are then living together? Would that make you a lesbian then, without the sex? Should it be necessary then for the man to emasculate himself to keep the woman content? To stop leaving underwear on the floor with the two leg holes still visible? To stop making or even laughing at humor related to loose bowels? Is this just sexual manipulation by females to make their men less attractive to other women by covering them with doilies, lace curtains, and the smell of vanilla? Metaphorically urinating on them to mark them. Is this what we have become to you? Pack mules, tools to be used in only two main arenas, parallel parking and toilet drip fixing? Is a man asked for advice on changing esthetics in the home, or around it? Is a man asked to help purchase furniture, kitchen appliances, or wall art? No, men are used and placated like objects.

Like the most cunning, ruthless and successful Generals in history, women seem to know at a genetic level how to conquer the most real estate with the fewest number of skirmishes. A small sacrifice of square footage in the house to the man to call his own, in return for ownership of the rest. Maybe a garage or small room with no windows, possibly a large only partially used walk-in closet. Women know it does not take much to keep a man appeased. Just a small piece of real estate for him to be King in, and she will be Rule the rest. Sex just often enough to keep his penis from shriveling and falling off like the umbilical cord from a two week old baby.

Sadly we understand this going in and without our fathers needing to tell us or their fathers them, almost as if it is instinctual. We know that the house is the realm of the woman. We are visitors at best. Still, all this being said, we need you. Need you to make us feel like a man though we are emasculated. We need to be the head of a family, even though we are not in control. Need to be kept busy in order to feel at peace and have joy.

In physics it is well understood that if any number in any equation, relating to the universe, were off by even one tenth of one percent, everything would cease to exist. We would not even be here to comment on how things were going to hell because we would not have been in an environment that would have allowed us to get started. Everything has to be in perfect, and I mean perfect balance. I think this works for men and women. I dont know, maybe there is some intelligence behind the design.

Meaningful Gifting... a lesson

2008-03-22T20:13:00.001-07:00

Thank you for all of you who came to the birthday party on saturday. Although it did not quite turn into the huge party I expected it was fun and great to see and meet you all. Parties seem to be, sometimes, like entities of their own out of the control of the hosts. The enormous varieties of dynamics brought together by mixing twenty, thirty or a hundred relative strangers together is impossible to predict. Sometimes, like storms off the Atlantic they spin into something bigger than expected and sometimes just fizzle out despite the best efforts and intentions. This party had all the makings of a category 4 hurricaine going in, and yet barely made tropical storm strength, then quietly settled down later to a just large group of strong friends enjoying the late night together. Said simply, it was a dud.
The most important point of my evening came not five minutes before I was sobered up and ready to drive home. I had just told my great friend Christine that I was ready to go when Arvilla showed up, tapped me on the shoulder and said hi. Arvilla is a reader and friend from myspace whose only mistake this night was trusting me to invite everyone to a raging party. Sadly by the time she got there the party was completely over and reduced to freinds playing Guitar Hero in the basement together. Not exactly a party in which blending would be encouraged. In fact just the opposite was true. It felt, as it would to me or to anyone else, awkward. However what Arvilla came for was very special and meant a lot to me. She reached out to me by bringing me a card and a gift for my birthday. Not just a gift as so many are passed around for various holidays, but a true thoughtful gift. Not the type of gift I expect from family members as my real birthday on tuesday approaches. Not the type that I have been guilty of giving and so have you. Not a random expenditure of twenty or fifty bucks to get something pretty, something they might not buy for themselves, or did not even know that they wanted. But one that will sit out in my living room and make me smile for years. It was the best type of present. I thoughful one, with energy put behind it, not just money. What we all have to realize is that whatever we as people have the least of is what is the most prized and cherished by others. If I have a lot of money, then a gift that costs more than the average will seem trivial or expected. However if I have a lot of money but am very busy and I spend time with someone for my gift, spend what I have the least of, what is the most important to me, then that gift will be the most special, the most meaningful. Children experience this regularly i.e. Paris Hilton. Time is not the gift given some, only money, where money has little value on its own. Dont feel cheated if you give an expensive gift, yet have more than an average amount of money and dont get the responce, or the gratitude you expected. Your gift was generous, but no more relatively than anyone elses. The person you are gifting, knows what is the most important to you and realizes when they are getting your least important.
I want to say here a huge thank you to you Arvilla. You are a person meant for more than you realize I believe. You have more inside than most, a depth that probably scares many people because they float closer to the surface. I see alot of myself in you(whether that is a compliment or not I wont say) and in the end your heart and thoughtfulness will pay off to make a life worth looking back on. One you will be proud of. I look forward to knowing you long enough to see what goals you achieve and what you become. Thank you very much for your thoughfulness, it meant a lot to me.

The vacation frame of mind....its different in all ways

2008-03-22T20:12:00.005-07:00

I like to take trips. That might seem like an obvious statement anyone could say, but I like them enough, that I will do it alone. I will pack my bags, drive myself to the airport and get on a plane to another city, without a contact person when I get there and enjoy every second of it. Once there I will take my favorite mode of transportation, taxi's to whatever hotel I had arranged for. And from there experience the freedom of a schedule-less day. I love to take trips. I know, I know, you do too. But why?

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Everybody has a different view on what the best way to vacation or explore is too. There are endless suggestions that could be made and still not cover them all. Truly everyone has a different way to enjoy their time away from home. Some of you will grab a beach bag, and head straight to the pool, grab a lounge chair in the sun, drop a book by your side, close your eyes and feel the heat melting your muscles. Others have to find the beach, but ultimately do the same thing with the same bag full of lotion, water, towel, phone (if you are like me…sigh), and some cash to order drinks. Others want to walk the streets, see the people, explore the old churches and castles that the city may offer. Walk a cobble stone street that was made seven hundred years ago and get lost in time. Some may choose golf so they can add another golf course mark to the bedpost. Whatever it is that does 'it' for you, I would imagine the liberating feeling of being away is the universal dynamic we would all share. It's the rush that we all share regardless of our activities. But what is at the heart of it?

Something about, and I am preaching to the choir here I realize, the newness of everything while on a trip. Everything from the sounds of the birds, the smells of the city or the local foliage, to the voices and accents of those who don't live near you is compelling isn't it? It brings out the feeling of being a kid in you because you are exploring, learning and seeing everything for the first time again. Eyes wide with fascination that around every corner a new treasure may be found. If even it's just a McDonalds that serves clam chowder. I find that, and for I believe this very reason of being submerged in newness that I become friendlier. It's so odd that I have not yet figured out how to bring that desire to speak with everyone I meet, to speak with everyone and tell them where I am from, to assume that they will be interested in hearing what I have to say when I don't know them and will never see them again. It's so special and I wonder why I have not been able to master that? Every time I return to SeaTac airport I clam up again. Begin to notice the cracks in the sidewalks, the weeds while I walk rather than the people. While on a trip I talk to café owners, clerks, cab drivers, and whoever is unlucky enough to sit next to me on the, well choose one; Boat, bus, taxi, shuttle, mule, wagon etc, etc. I will begin talking to anyone who looks like they have teeth. Yet when I get back home, I slip back into Seattle Dave, rather than vacation Dave.

Vacation Dave is a lot of fun if you have never met him. He wakes up when the light wakes him up which makes him up happy, puts on comfy clothes which makes his body happy, gets coffee and a paper, which makes his brain happy, then usually starts drinking poolside by eleven, which makes him so happy and relaxed he pees his shorts. No worries the pool is right there so no one will know. And it's chlorinated I presume, so just say Ahhhhh and get off my back.

Vacation Dave makes friends wherever he goes, learns life stories, and shares them. What is it about the being on vacation, no not even vacation, just being away from home and not working. What is it that brings out the kid so strongly, that makes us so friendly? How do we bottle that and bring it home with us? Sip on it through the winter, when the sun is gone for months. Ugh, I am having to fight the urge to slit my wrists just thinking about it. Remember I live in ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Seattle.

How do we bring that friendliness back with us, rather than re-attaching our blinders, rather than placing ourselves back in the caste system we escaped from? I have even found myself in grocery stores in other states, alone talking with shoppers. What the hell is that? I don't talk to strangers at my local grocery store. I get what I want, push people out of my way to get it, and block the old lady to get to the front of the line to get out first. I am not proud of that, but it's true. What makes me so polite while away? My god, what if everyone was like that all the time? It wouldn't matter then if Bush was president or not because the world would have no problems and even he couldn't screw that up. But just to be safe, let's not include him. He is one of those who spends long hours into the night thinking and making himself notes on how to seem stupider than the day before. Clearly he is a savant in this talent. Kudos for that I suppose. However my dog Kini makes better decisions daily than he does.

What this is is the "vacation frame of mind". Our better selves shine through, the selves that we like about ourselves and the selves that our partners love about us, or fell in love with. Its not the selves that worries and gripes about the bad day, the traffic, the messy house, the chores or how tired they are. Its not the selves that in the shadow of the rut we have created for ourselves. It's the selves we were when we were kids. Open, loose, not care free, or careless, but worry free. Stress free. For a while others can see the sun shining on us because we have escaped the rut that keeps our emotions underground and it makes them want to talk to us, makes them curious about us. We can do this right here at home, cant we? I could go down to the Pikes Place Market and start talking to a stranger, couldn't I? Or could I?

I think the first step in bringing this home is as simple as raising our eyes while we walk, looking into others eyes, and keeping a half smile on our face all the time. Not a clown face smile, scaring children and pets, but keeping the muscles in our face ready to smile at an instant. Some of you do this naturally others of us have to work it, why I don't know. Genetics superiority I suppose. You are naturally more charismatic, but I have to work this. If I don't keep these muscles tight and ready to go, I can't smile quick enough to catch the moment. Can't make that happy first impression we make with so many others that comes naturally to all of us while on vacation. Noticing others eyes as they walk past or work in front of you. Often they are in a rut, after all they are not on vacation, but when they see you looking straight into their eyes, holding it long enough for them to notice the smile, the vacation frame of mind is upon us.

Everyone is a person, and no not even I want to talk or interact with everyone. But so many of us think that others would not want to talk with us, even for a minute. That they wouldn't be interested in what we have to say, or we have no common bond to share like you do while on a vacation. While on a beach in Mexico you can be pretty sure that the other person you are about to talk to is also on vacation, therefore you have an instant conversation. But while at home, people are people. Everyone else feels the same way we do, and if you see the same checker at the store, week after week and think they would not know who you are, because they see so many people, you are wrong. They are thinking the same thing of you and everyone else. That they are not noticed, not important to anyone. You start the conversation, say "hey good to see you again". Or "see you next time". Suddenly your world begins to expand. You find that others are noticing you all the time and you can make both their day better but also make yours better too. I think its all about bringing the vacation frame of mind home with us, keeping it On all the time.

I am going to the store right now, and I am going to smile at someone. I am going to notice someone and let them know I Know who they are. I am going to pretend to be on vacation right now.

Men listen up....Listen

2008-03-22T20:10:00.000-07:00

Venting is normal for everyone. Sometimes we just have to let whoever is around us here a story that is driving us nuts, to help us feel more normal about it. Often to get someone else on 'our side', to share our story to see if another agrees, to help us believe we are not crazy. Sometimes we feel caught in a series of impossible events, dragging us downward, and each time we start to push back, to rise up and fight back, another blow knocks us back. Its times like these we all need to vent, to let it out and gain perspective from a friend or family member, gain our credibility back to ourselves.

This is normal behavior for everyone but its not what I am talking about. Some of us hold more inside than others, but still venting for stress relief is normal. But as a man, I see women who do this more, and women who do it less, but I always see women doing it more than men. So this poses a problem between the sexes doesn't it? Men have not grown up with the understanding of what a listening to a woman vent is all about. We don't get it. I have praised women time and time again and even gone so far as to call you the superior gender. But I have to say that this might be a point in our favor. Men understand, worse its all we understand, that if a problem is presented it needs to be fixed. And to take that to the next level, if a problem is presented it was presented to us because that person thought we would be able to fix their problem and therefore clearly want us to fix it. Duh, why else? If you tell us your tire is flat we know that means go fix it. If you tell us you have a problem "emotionally", we try to fix it. DUH!

I was just reading my friend Stephanie's blog and it was about listening and not doing anything. Not trying to fix it, and although it was very insightful, and I will work on using the information, I had to wonder; How are we supposed to know when to just listen, and when to try to help?

I remember during the years when I was married and I would be holding myself back when she was venting about something, trying not to offer help, which is very much like trying to keep your Labrador from chasing that squirrel which is taunting him. When sometime after she mentioned one of her female friends and how great their advise was. How they always knew to say the right thing and how helpful she was. And I got jealous. I wanted to be that person, the one whose ideas and thoughts were desired and complimented. So I found myself turning the dog loose the next time a venting session came out offering advice, trying to be helpful and I watched as I got sucked into an emotional chaos. Yikes! So here is the question; How can men be both?

Giving up....to get respect

2008-03-22T20:08:00.000-07:00

My very good friend from high school recently got back in touch with me because of our recent reunion. We always got along and getting back in touch just brought our friendship forward to today, without losing a step. Definitely a friend that can be classified as a 'Lifer'.
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He just had his first baby about three weeks ago and if you remember, and I am sure most of you do, what its like for the first weeks, months and sometimes year, you don't need to be reminded. It's very hard. Not the good kind of hard, like exercise, sex, or even overtime at work. No it's the hard that makes you wonder if you just made the biggest mistake of your life and now there is nothing you can do about it, but watch the craggily rocks at the bottom of the falls getting closer and closer as you helplessly fall towards them.

Babies vary, I have had two so I have seen both types, the easy and the very hard, and I have lived through the 'odd' behavior that the woman can display after having the baby, but I understand only the male point of view. I cannot in my dreams even imagine what it is like to be a woman going through the hormonal changes, the recovery, the physical changes etc..etc...etc… Men are not supposed to grasp such things, if we were we would be smarter, but we aren't. We can however tell the difference between a 5/16th socket and a 5mm one. Nearly useless I know, but it is something. We do know why you add oil to gas in certain small motors, and can universally gut and clean a fish without crinkleing our noses.

My friend Rob called me today with an issue, and its great that I was just writing and getting feedback on venting because that was all he called to do. However, knowing that he is a man, and I am a man, I knew that men like to have things fixed. So, I was able, after letting him vent, offer up helpful words (not advice really) that made him feel better. He was calling me because life as he knew it had come to an end with his new baby and new wife and he was panicking and angry all at the same time. "There is nothing I can do right with that woman!" "She has gone psychotic!" "She yells, complains and insults me now, and is treating me like dirt, or worse". This went on for a while, as I let him 'vent'. Then I had inspiration hit me right in the forehead. Oh I hope I can remember this at some point in the future, please someone write it down for me, because I think its gold and I know when I need it, it will be forgotten. Oh god, what do I know, but it seemed revolutionary to me, and he thought so too. I told him that if he and I could look into a crystal ball and see some time in the future, months, a year, who knows, but some time in the future, that if he can just man-up and take this now. Just put up with everything, and as he said "spread his ass cheeks farther apart so it does not hurt so much" that when she and her friends look back on this time he will be considered the best husband in the world. The most considerate, the most generous, the most stable and loving husband in the whole mommies group. If however, he fights back, tries to defend himself the words will only be seen in the future as whining. There will be, and I don't argue this point, infinite leeway given to the woman for being crazy, because…well, she kind of is, but the man cannot in anyway justify fighting back when attacked. I told him to just hang in there, be supportive and try to realize that she is currently not the same person physically, emotionally or mentally that he married, but given some time she will be again, and his actions now will determine how he is seen by everyone later. Hers…well, not so much.

Men, have no way to understand what is going on in the woman's brain, so no way to know when they are being attacked because the woman is just being mean, or if she is venting because of hormones. We can't tell the difference. We barely know there IS a difference. If someone attacks us verbally we defend ourselves, it's only natural. But that is, as I am learning, not always the appropriate response. So the question is; How do we tell when its time to stand up for ourselves and say "Hey you are wrong, I am not a douche-bag". When do we stand up for ourselves so as not to be seen as a weenie? Does the woman respect a man that she can insult regularly if he does not fight back? I think that is the fear all men have of losing respect. Men fear losing respect so we fight for it, should we be doing just the opposite to gain respect?

The only time I hurt is...."Then Don't do that!"

2008-03-22T20:07:00.001-07:00

I wonder if I think too much. Now that I think about it, I wonder if we all think too much. I find that I can spend just about any amount of time doing any number of things, from work, to naps and everything in between and feel great. I will get home from a productive day working my business to a happy dog who wants to go for a run, or a gym full of people that are happy to see me, who trade sweat with me by giving me hi-fives as I pass them. I come home to a quiet house, turn on the TV for noise, make some dinner for myself, and relax till its time to go to bed. Often I climb into bed, pull the cool sheets up over my shoulder as a breeze blows in through the open window, and sigh. I sigh because I feel so great. I feel so lucky to have what I have. I actually feel guilty if I find myself wanting for more because I have so much. There is no aspect of my life that I would trade with any other person. I mean what would I really be willing to give up?
The woman who has most influenced me so far in life was the one I was engaged to several years ago. I don't so much miss her, as the feeling I had at the time I was with her. But her actions, her choices separated us, and changed me. She owns a small, but very comfortable place near Carmel Ca that I think is just about the most beautiful and comfortable places on the planet. I imagine if God were to step down and try to find comfort, this is where he/she would choose to live. Consistently ten degrees warmer than Seattle and considerably less rain and clouds makes it perfect for people who want to wear less rather than more. It's smaller than Seattle so the 'feel' is more like one of the cute suburbs to Seattle than Seattle proper in that there is no night life but lots to do. It sits right on the ocean always has a nice breeze, and everyone lives in Flip-flops and shorts. Jackets and coats are usually covered dust by the time anyone needs them and windows are always open so you can hear the wind chimes jingling outside. I fell in love with not only her, but also her lifestyle. Every time I went I slipped into what felt like a perfect bath, not too hot, not too cold, but just right. Everything felt just right.
While we were dating I would fly down once a month and she would fly up once, so every two weeks we would have a long weekend together which was nice. One weekend up here, and this occurred during the summer so there was always something nice to do, and the other would be down there, where there may be less to do, but there was the comfort of the slow pace, nice people and incredible views and weather. Each time I flew down though I had to sacrifice at least one afternoon with my kids, which always give me a funny feeling in my stomach. I was trading time with them for time with her. The excitement of the new relationship, the many possibilities open to the future and the feeling of being on vacation each time I flew out helped me to push those feelings down, but there was always a touch of bile in my throat knowing that what I was doing was not so much wrong, as just not entirely right. I was trading some of the time allotted to me to be with my kids to be with her, and at the time I gladly gave it up. But, the more time I spent down there, helping with projects around her house, investing time meeting her neighbors, friends and family, the more I realized that that was not home, investing time where it would pay dividends. Home is where? You know the answer; it's where the heart is. Always will be. But knowing where your heart is, is not always easy. It's not on a map, and our heart is not always clear about letting us know up front what it truly wants or needs, in fact I think it speaks too softly sometimes about long term issues and too boisterously about short term ones, but Hell there nothing anyone can do about that.
In the end, she moved to Seattle and things had deteriorated incredibly quickly, as forces outside our control hammered us with pressure and issues until finally she decided that Seattle was not going to work for her. Professionally her work contacts were all in Ca, she was starving and struggling to get work, the weather was killing her mentally because fall and winter had set in, and family matters both here and there, were just too much to deal with. I, of course, was heartbroken when she told me that she had to go but am not the type to beg, I allow adults to choose what they want. But, and this is my point, she gave me one last option before leaving forever. She asked me to move with her back to Heaven to live, and then she would help to make it possible for me to visit my kids every other weekend, pretty much like I had done with her up to that point.
I was given the choice; keep the woman of my dreams(up to that point), live in the city of my dreams(still), but be a visitor to my kids life, or lose her and everything that came with her that I loved, to be the father who raises my kids rather than just visits. I made the choice through tears that I would not be going with her. I would raise my kids, not just visit them. Goodbye forever. We have not spoken since and I expect never will.
Today that is, as I lay in bed, what I consider to be my greatest decision. Not because I have anything at all bad to say about her, I don't, but because now I see how the tragedy would have continued had I done what would have felt good at the time. I decided that my family was one thing I was not willing to trade. No amount of money, no person whoever they may be, no opportunity is worth, in my opinion, giving up the ability to be loved and to love children. The time with them is short, by ten or so the great Christmases are over because the magic is gone, the 'trick or treating' is over because its not 'cool' anymore, and the time sitting on laps with arms around necks is forever gone. After that there is a downhill slide, although not all bad, through the teenage years, and then they find adulthood themselves. Such a short time. Is it a good idea to trade some of that for a companion? Is there ever a situation in which you could imagine where it would be a good decision to sacrifice some of that time to get something else, whatever it might be? I don't know the answer to that, I can't speak for you. But for me, the answer is no. There is nothing. The Sultan of Brunei has nothing to offer me, Angelina Jolie has nothing to offer me, the President of the United States, well bad example because I already know how to read nursery rhymes, has nothing to offer me in trade. I lay in bed at night and although I have things that I am wanting, have goals like everyone, have desires and needs and things that I miss. I know that I sacrificed that which I wanted more than anything at the time in the whole world, for that which really was the most important thing, and made a good decision. Now I know where my priorities are. Mine were tested, and I feel I chose wisely. I found out what I would be willing to give up and what I was absolutely not willing to give up.
So this finds me and so many others in the odd position of feeling lonely during holidays. My great life, the one I cherish and thank god for daily, is one which hurts when I find no one around me during 'time off' during special days, or days that would be special if there were love around. I think the daily routine, work, hobbies, play etc., all keep us busy enough that we don't feel we need anything else, or anyone else. I think dating to Not be single is short sighted trade that does not make sense for the long term. It feels right at the time, but so often causes more disruption that it should because so often the dating is not begun by a desire to share what we have, but a desire to have more. More of what someone else might bring to our table. What I mean is, if we feel lonely and date to stop feeling lonely we are just entertaining ourselves and trading time, this for that. If we date because we feel financially insufficient we sacrifice something in each situation, what it is only you will know but something for sure. We desire to have someone, anyone as long as there is attention. But if we date only after meeting someone that we find we want to share ourselves with, the self that is already complete even when alone, the self that does not need, but rather wants, we trade nothing. We give up nothing, and gain everything. You give up nothing, they give up nothing, and both gain each other. Does this mean that there is a problem with someone who dates regularly or for fun? No, it doesn't, timing is everything for everyone, and sometimes dating for the sake of dating is exactly what we want and what we need.
For me, loneliness only hits during holidays, and to make that feeling go away alone I am not willing to sacrifice what I want for my life long term. I won't choose a short term fix when there is no long term solution. I will just try to keep myself busy during those times, invest my time and energy where I know it will be appreciated and try not to think about it when it hurts. Just simply try not to think too much. Is that okay?

Growing old TOGETHER

2008-03-22T20:06:00.001-07:00

Everyone has a something about themselves, usually their bodies, that is their least favorite part. Even supermodels seem to have something. "My thighs" I heard Tyra Banks say is her least favorite part of her body. Please. But still we all have them, dont think for a second that because he or she over there in the corner looks hot, that they dont have an insecurity or two hiding behind their Gucci sunglasses. They do, we all do. Mine is my legs. Always been on the narrow side, you might say, always been on the saving space for everyone elses legs side...always been skinny. But today I saw this little old fellow walking across the freeway overpass, and I had two thoughts, my first thought was I dont think in my entire life have I ever walked across a freeway overpass. Am I missing something? It was 85 degrees, this little fellow was probably 85 years old and here he was hell and gone from anything I could see that might act like a chair, or a cold glass of white wine, and I was buzzing past in my black car, sunroof open music blaring and generally trying to look hotter than I really am. There in front of me was an experience that I have not taken life up on. Maybe there is not much reason to, but hell just because he is old does not mean he is stupid. Odds are he has forgotten more about the world than I may ever know. There must be something to this walking across the freeway thing but I still have not put my brain around it, so I will wait another fifty years and see if it comes to me. But the second thought I had, as I looked at his white socks pulled up to his knees, was damn those are some skinny ass legs. And for one moment, well maybe longer than that I will admit, I felt better about myself. ARRGGHH, I want to shoot myself but its true, my legs looked better than his and for one second I gloated. I also wondered where I could find those knee highs. Clearly newish because they were whiter than any sock I own. His legs looked like two golf clubs in sneakers. SKINNY! How can comparing myself to him, or anyone for that matter make me feel different about anything at all? Why should it, and why would I let it. Some of you will say well its vanity. Ok, yes it is. What else? Insecurity maybe? Sure. Normal to compare ourselves and judge ourselves by others accomplishments, yes but I guess not with 85 year old men walking with knee high tube socks.
But as Forest Gump said so wisely, Stupid is as stupid does, and that goes for old too. Whatever the hell it means. We are all getting older together, everyone of us is doing alone but all at once. Are we making sure to enjoy moments and to reach out and walk in the rain, to hold on to the one you love and tell them over and over again, even if they might not deserve it that you love them? Work now and play later? Working hard for the family so they may have a better life? Well there may be no later for you, or maybe no later for the one you love. Today might just be it. Not one person who has ever been killed on the freeway, or attacked in New York we hear about on the news so often, ever planned it or set aside time in their busy schedule to die. Not one of them said a last loving goodbye to their kids, or their families knowing it would be their last so it had better be a good one. Not one. I might be next, you might be, so I can tell you what. Time is only on our sides when we are together. That is when it is the most valuable to us, when hard earned money can not be traded for mere seconds.
Have we all heard the story of the wealthy older man who was lying in his bed, knowing he was near death. He had made a fortune in the last few years and was really on top of his game when this happened. On his bed a reporter asked a quick question that was not the most noted question of the afternoon but I think the most important answer came from it. He asked if he would trade all of his wealth, every penny for another year of life, and the man said "In a heartbeat". Take it all, give me another year with my family, and my love. The money is worthless to me now.
Money is worthless? Well that is not true of most of us as we are still healthy and moving forward with our lives, and I still would rather have more of it than less, but give me a chance to leave work early to run around and play catch with my kids and I would do it in a second. Ask me if I would take a week off when it will cost me to get the chance to spend time with my love, whom I may not see again for weeks, and I would do it without blinking. I love life, and I thank god every night for another day of it. I love breathing, c'mon feel that air go into your lungs. One day that wont happen. Does that sound gruesome to you, well it shouldnt it is just like when you are sitting in front of the TV eating a pile of Oreos. There you are munching your Oreos staring at your favorite drama and Oh Boy is it ever good tonight. You reach down to grab the last Oreo but....its gone. The damn thing must have fallen between your crummy thighs, or into the couch cushions, or maybe it was that God Damn dog! But no, actually you did eat it. Ate it and did not even know it. Did not enjoy it one tiny little bit. Gone. All those calories added to your butt, and no pleasure to offset it. So this is the question, are you enjoying every cookie like it might be your last? Every Breath? Enjoying this very moment right now, as you read this, like it is heaven on earth? Look around and find something beautiful, find something in the air, or the trees, or on the street that can make you smile and say Damn, life is good.
We all have bad days, maybe because we get broken up with or decide to break up with another. Friends come down with cancer, others may hurt themselves on purpose or get hurt by others. We can get various types of colds, flu's or worse. Life can be stressful, hell it is all the time. Somehow each of us can and should say to ourselves, with absolute stubborness, outloud with the radio down if we are in the car so we can hear ourselves, 'I will enjoy this day anyway!' That is a winners attitude. Its not fake if you really do it. Allowing the negative to re-circulate through our heads, or the last words of the love that left you, or the worry about what they might be doing when you are not there is all usefull to a degree. Lets' us recheck what we did, make corrections that may get better results next time, or look back and apologize, but for the most part it is stewing, and next time you notice you are stewing, notice your vision. I bet its on the narrow side. Yeah, I bet you have tunnel vision when you are most upset. Cant see peripherally unless you make an effort, and as soon as you do, you will feel a short lived sence of relief. Just that moment of input from the world you are still living in is enough to reduce your stress by a few seconds or maybe a minute. We all have shit, all of us, not one person we read about in People or Us, with all of their money and fame is fault free, or problem free. Not one. Every one has cried themselves to sleep on 800 thread count pillows at one point or another....well fame does have its benefits.
Dont give up on love, if it is real. Believe in it whenever possible because it is rare. Never fool yourself that it will come around again quickly or that it is not worth the trouble. It wont and it is, it is always better with love in our lives than without.

Ok, so you're hot, what else ya' got?

2008-03-22T20:05:00.000-07:00

People have been walking on, picking up, saving, and playing with rocks ever since we gained an opposable thumb. Exactly when that was I don't know, but it was before I finished high school so I am pretty sure it has been a while. Rocks are everywhere and with the one notable exception of the fellow who decided in a bar one evening that he could sell rocks as pets, rocks are pretty much rocks everywhere you go and are not worth a whole lot on their own. Bring one back from a trip somewhere and it has sentimental value. Throw a little paint on another and its value may increase a tad, polish it up in a rock polisher and now its value may raise a bit more, not for the rock necessarily so much as for the work that went into making look prettier. Rough it up again and its back to being worthless. There are just so many, the Earth itself is a rock so everywhere we look pieces large and small lay about after having broken or worn off what was once a solid rock, our planet.

At some point in time some lucky bastard found a prettier than average rock, and what made it more important than how it looked, far more important, was that no one else could find the same exact type of rock. And this person realized that because he/she had found something that no one else was going to be able to get, no matter how long they looked these rocks would have value. Which rock this was I don't know. Jade possibly, pearls (although not a rock), gold (another 'not rock' that fits) crystals of a particular color, whatever it was it was valuable for one reason, and one reason only. It was rare. Try as people might, shortly after the discovery, they could either not find another source other than the one the first person found. So realizing the new value, the rarity they began searching further away, digging in more places, investing their time and money into locating another source for the same rocks. Even finding another source, the value was maintained, even increased, because now the rarity had been proven. This rock is rare. And therefore desired. The bigger it was, the more it was worth, because those with money wanted something that someone else could not have.

The rock really could have looked like anything. It could be, and is black in some cases Alexandrite for example, it could be red, blue, green, or clear. The color was not important. Even less attractive colors were valuable; amber colored, water colored, grassy colored. The appearance had nothing to do with it, the true measure of its worth was only that You could get it, have it and lots of other people couldn't.

I found myself out one evening, not by chance with someone who had won a very large beauty pageant earlier in her career. She had taken that and moved herself into television and at the time, possibly still today I don't know, she had a syndicated show that was quite popular.

When I first met her I had no idea of her past, no idea that she had accomplished anything more than anyone else, and I don't know honestly and objectively that she really had. She had definitely accomplished something but was it better, harder, more demanding that what millions of women do daily? No, I don't think so, but there are so many managers, so many accountants, so many attorneys that in comparison what she had done, by the shear limiting aspect of only one of these established a year, made her more rare. There were simply less people on the planet who could claim to have attained what she had. That's it. Was the inventor of the Pet Rock a certifiable genius, well yes, bad example but still because there was only one inventor of the Pet Rock he became a celebrity. People wanted to be with, be seen with, converse with the inventor of the Pet Rock. To be closer to, to somehow claim some ownership of the fame. Who else can we easily place into this category of rarity? The categories go on and on, but in each category there is a progressively less and less rare group of people starting from the top and working itself down. Bill Gates will attract a lot of attention were he to walk into your house for a BBQ, invited or not. However Bill Jones may not. Quick hand shake, short introductions and a finger pointing to the beer in the cooler on the deck might be about it. Brad Pit, Tiger Woods, former primer minister of England, even without his title Tony Blair would attract more than average attention. The ugly are attractive too though aren't they, just like some semi-precious gems. Charles Manson, Ted Bundy(of course dead now), and the Green River Killer, even these sociopaths, because of their uniqueness, their fame, their celebrity status are interesting to us. If you had a brush with one of these people, tell me honestly, would not you tell someone? Feel some pride in it, however disgusted you were? If given the chance to meet one of these, perhaps with the safety of tempered one inch steel bars between you and they, would you take it? If you knew one of these people would be 'on display' downtown on a Saturday afternoon, would you go to see? To hear the odd words coming out of one of their mouths, to see their face up close, to be in the presence of great oddness? Well maybe not you. Hmmm. But then again, maybe.

The woman I went out with for that summer was popular wherever we went. Her fame had died off quite a bit by the time I met her, but the residuals were still there. Clubs were opened up, invitations to special places and parties still came. And at an alarming rate I might add, phone calls, text messages at all hours, and word of mouth. "So in so, said that if I saw you to tell you to go to Such-in-such after 11pm" People wanted, for some reason, to just have her nearby. I am not in anyway saying that she was not an enjoyable person to be with, she was. Very much. But there are lots, and lots, and dare I say lots of pretty women who are enjoyable to be with. Smart, funny, with a lot to offer. Why her? For that matter why Paris Hilton? No need for me to knock her, it's too easy because I think anyone, and I mean anyone who thinks it through will realize that her physical attractiveness, would not have been enough on her own to have brought so much fame. Had she not been born into a unique household, won the cosmic lottery, she would probably be somebody's girlfriend singing karaoke over at the Azteca on Thursday night wearing a cute outfit she bought at Marshals.

This leads to the question that we have to ask ourselves, not while reading this, but tonight in bed alone without the TV on. What are we after? Is there someone who you deem as special because of their uniqueness, their fame, their beauty and therefore you long for them? Of course, most of us do. I would have a very hard time turning down a date from Jennifer Anniston, or odd though I know it would be Angelina Jolie. Some take these thoughts a bit further, and become stalkers, trying to capture a bit of the fame, mining deeper than they should searching for what is rare. Somehow believing that their "stock" value will be higher simply for being known by the celebrity, for being a part, however odd, in their lives. This is a lazy miner searching for gems in someone's house, rather than investing the time, and energy into mining a cold, lonely mountainside to get what they want.

Assuming for a moment that you or I were to get our chance to meet, or spend time with 'that' someone. Me with Angelina for example. For there to be a snowballs chance of success, I would have to have something to bring to her table. Something that she desires, not physically necessarily, but possibly emotionally or something else, who knows. Maybe she herself would have her head turned by a rare stone maybe like Roger Federer the now five-time tennis champion. It worked for Brooke Shields, she fell for a tennis champion. Was Andre Agassi that much better a man than the fellow sitting next to him at the pub last weekend? No of course not. As far as I know he has not yet figured out how to poop without taking his pants off, and until he or someone does they are no better than me or anyone else. Hopefully I will figure this out first. >crossing fingers< But her head rather was turned by his fame, which displayed some character traits that she finds attractive. It was not that he was a tennis player who won a lot of matches, it was that by winning so many matches he showed how hard he was willing and able to work. He proved dedication beyond that which most of us have. He proved that he was rare. Not everyone could do what he did, and if they could they would. Lots of people play tennis and lots play well, but he was willing before success, to sacrifice life as we know it, to practice. Endless practice. This was an attractive trait to her. She was attractive to him as well, not just because of her beauty, there are other beautiful women out there, and many that he has met. No, she too has displayed traits, and proven that she has something, whatever it is, that he finds attractive. She was rare too.

Next time you hear someone say something to the effect of; "Well if I had that much money I would have a trainer and could look like that too." Or "If I had that much money I could hire the best (fill in the blank; coach, dietician, nanny etc.) and could practice that much too". Slap them. Hard. Stop kidding yourself. That is the same as saying "If I just had a hot fire I would work and put some wood into it" Arnold Schwartzenhager was not born huge and full of muscles. He was not rich when he started dedicating his life at the expense of everything else to it. He chopped and added wood to his fire long before he lit it, unlike the rest of us, who would prefer warmth now, and forever rather than frigid cold now, with the possibility of raging heat later.

The real question is what will you bring to the table to 'that' person? Not that You is not necessarily enough, it very well might be, but if you are going to be the taker and the other will be the giver in all aspects how can that be a fair trade? How can you last in that relationship? The rare person is still a person. This person has been hurt, been loved, and has loved. This person has had a childhood that may or may not have left scars, insecurities, and a past that may have them searching for something. Are you working on yourself enough so that when your chance comes, you will have something to offer back? Will you be able to lift that person as much as they lift you? If they are 'rare' and you are 'common', what else will you be able to offer? Don't get too nervous, your simple uniqueness itself may be just what the doctor ordered. But people are people, regardless of their accomplishments and they are looking for the same things you are. Peace, comfort, love all the things you are hoping for. They, in your mind, fill something you would like, maybe it's your vanity, that you would then be able to say "I am dating (married) to…" again fill in the blank. (Doctor, president, movie star, whatever.) Each of us wants to be proud of who we attach ourselves to. But to fall for fame, fall for talent. In itself, even though I myself am guilty of it, could there be anything more hollow?

Rather than I think, looking for someone great who will bring your 'stock' value up, makes you feel more important, start looking for someone who both gives you comfort but gets it as well. If you are hot, and are being showered with gifts, dinners and trips, and I know people on both sides of this worthless adventure, shake yourself hard. Unless this is exactly what you are looking for. The nothingness of the chase. Get out and stop trying to feed your ego with it. It's a hole that you, I promise, wont be able to fill. The faster the money, gifts, and temporary fame go in, the faster they fall out the back. Its not what you have done, therefore will always leave you feeling less worthy. The man is just as guilty here, and in just as much trouble.
So I think the new motto should be. "Okay so you're HOT. What else ya' GOT?"

Asses and Elephants

2008-03-22T20:03:00.000-07:00

What was it like that last time you walked into a party full of socializing adults who all knew one another through work, kids or whatever and you knew no one? Maybe this has not happened to you since you were a kid, but think about the feeling you had. What was it? What was the feeling you had when half of the room's eyes turned to look at you? Check you out to see if you were familiar then, as their faces tell you, they realize you are not important, turn away and continue their conversation. When did it happen and what did you want to do next? What? Stand there at the entrance alone, right at the scene of the crime. The crime where you were judged quickly and deemed unworthy. Or would you prefer to slip through the crowd to begin again but from the back. Look for a friendly eye, with an un-confrontational smile on your face and hope you see someone that you know, pray they are here somewhere, that you are not early. Why is it so much more uncomfortable to be unknown rather than known? If even one person knows you, recognizes you when you enter, how different would your reaction have been? How much different would you have felt?

Whenever I meet someone new, whether at a party, or at work, I and I suspect you too, I try to find commonalities in which to easily base the new relationship on. 'Where are you from' is a common first question. 'Where did you work before this?', 'where do you live?', 'do you have kids?', 'married?', blah, blah, blah. Small talk is what it is and how it starts. How many of the last million first dates you have been on did not begin with these questions? Okay, you back there in the corner? With the hand up? You had one? Okay well share it below. The questioning is something like an interview, but as one question gets positive response and then the next, the conversation begins to open up, acceptance has been given by both parties. Common ground is being discovered. The questions flow from here on. Again, why? What is it about commonalities that bind us together and how? Is it just because it's easier to talk about things you already know about? Is it really just that shallow, and lazy? Or is there a more human nature issue at work here? A basic human trait? Like trying to be happier during a depressing time, can we manipulate this emotion too? Can we influence others with it, either positively like smiling at someone, or negatively like jumping out and scaring them?

Often when I travel for business, which is just about too often, I get a roommate wherever I am staying. Company policy. For the last several years, just about every event I have attended I requested the same roommate. His name is Mike. If I may give you a quick picture of Mike I would begin by saying he is smart. Mike is a hair over sixty, a Mormon and has kids that are just a bit younger than me. We had nothing in common except work when we first met some 13 years ago, but today we room together often and look forward to it. I thoroughly enjoy his company and I think he gets a kick of out mine too. We are just so different. He does not drink, I of course do (hic), he does not swear or sleep with women he is not married to. He is a republican and I am a democrat. I think he likes it because he knows that by rooming with me he will get the room to himself most of the night because I will be out drinking with colleagues from around the country, and I know that with him I am getting a quiet roommate who isn't a complete idiot, where they come from I don't know, but I have had them. And he has never passed gas on my head like my last roommate. Anyway, I have been raised Christian and although my aunt is Mormon I don't believe in the tenets of his religion so I have a hard time relating to him on that level.

These two roommates have nothing at all in common, but still we like each other very much. We have had many conversations about business, economics, history of religions and often about politics. Oddly, unlike anyone else I have 'argued' with over politics, he does not get so emotional he can't hear a dissenting view and really listen. We have had many arguments(discussion with points is all an argument is), where we disagreed with one other, were tossing factoids back and forth trying to gain a foothold against the others points, to knock the legs out from under the others argument. But after all was said and done, sometimes we convinced one another (because we always left our minds open), and sometimes we didn't. But we always left the room together and went down for dinner together. Never would it get too heated. We always came together and found common ground. Well unless the Bush administration were brought up. Then we both begin to lose it. I of course, like all well-read people across the planet, think that the Bush administration is the most deceitful and damaging administration in history. Never before has my distrust for lawyers and the hair splitting been matched by any other one group of people. Never before have I distrusted my government as much as I do today. Never before have I heard spokespeople from the White House speaking like lawyers in court trying to wiggle out of a technicality, about my future, my money, my life and the lives of kids around me, and unfortunately around the world. I am hearing more lawyer speak in every speech. Saying what it takes to give impressions about issues to us that are only technically true. Legally not lies, but lies nonetheless. "Within the letter of the law" Tony Snow said yesterday. Maybe you don't really pay attention, or maybe you have already realized it's too late to try to listen, its does not matter anyway. Maybe your trust has worn so thin, you don't even care anymore. If you are not paying attention, it is worse than you guess and I bet you call yourself a democrat.

So I wonder, now with a Presidential approval rating of only 29 points and dropping, maybe 27 by the time you read this, who knows the 4th lowest in history. With a republican congress recently kicked out, and a democratic one replacing it, with more and more republicans who, not so long ago, chanted and shouted "PRO WAR", find themselves backing out. The disgust of the administrations action over seas too much for them to bare. Four more turned this month, again if you are not paying attention, I wonder how and why do the republican voters stay behind the party right now. Well it's a rhetorical question really, I don't mind the party itself really this current one I do, I don't think that democrats are good and republicans are bad. No, there are equal numbers of "evil-doers" in both parties. But what is it that binds these republicans together when their party is crumbling in front of them with deceptions, law breaking and secrecy? When things look so bad why stay in lock step? Christianity has been, as I see it, the main core value that they believe separated them from us, but what if Mitt Romney is elected? He is Mormon. What then? What else would hold them together?

In the last sixty years there has only been one democratic President re-elected. Just one. It doesn't matter so much that it was Bill Clinton, just that it is a fact. Somehow regardless of how the party did, the republicans won back the presidency. Each time after only one 4 year term. How? How was it done? It was not the ebb and flow of the voters, it was not an accident. It would not have happened had this not have happened each time. So what was it?

Democrats are a loose bunch. Some believe in god, some in tree fairies. Some make six digits, some wear burlap. Some are models and some don't shave their armpits. I am a democrat and I care about…. She is a democrat and she cares about…They are all democrats and all they care about are owls. Nothing else. Just freakin owls. No jobs, no relationships, just the owls. It's true some of us democrats are NUTS. Some drive Mercedes and some ride scooters running on bio-diesel which makes the neighborhood smell like French fries. Nothing is the same in this group. There are no common bonds in the democratic party. None. We don't all care about any one issue, many of us disagree on all issues. Their team is made up of blue-suits, red ties, polished shoes. Chiseled farmers faced etched with honesty. Our team is made up of a hodge podge of what is left. Honestly I don't want some of these people on my team. Red-Rover, red rover, send the smelly girl, who doesn't shave her armpits and is covered in tree bark right over. FINE! Take TWO of them! My team does not all look like me and some of them embarrass me. I don't want to look at a bumper sticker of a point that I agree with on the back of a 1972 Volkswagon bus, with a 45 year old out of work hippie driving.

Republicans do have something in common. A belief about us. It's a You vs. Us scenario and nowhere is it more vicious than with the right wingers. Religion and money are the two basic tenants of the republican party. Neither of which I have anything against, in fact I am pro god and pro money. I like them both. In fact I like them both so much I often wonder why I claim them to be on my team? Why do I feel guilty around a severe right winger, just like when I walk out of a store without buying anything. You know that feeling like you think everyone thinks you stole something? Heh. Yeah I like that one. Why do I feel like they are innately more spiritual? And if I do, then they must believe I am less. Why? I am going to guess that both of us are wrong. So why the feeling?

Turn on a right wing radio station and what you will hear besides lots of emotional 'facts' is the spewing of hatred towards "The Left". Unifying their subordinates under the flag of war. Preaching fear of what "the Democrats will do to 'Our' businesses, 'our' country, 'our' borders if we don't stay strong and united. The Democrat's want the ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />America you know and love to die. They want the borders gone, want Mexican nationals, and Canadian healthcare to pour on top of our perfect Christian nation mix together and create hell on earth. Oops, I forgot, they don't believe in hell, they are all heritics so I guess they just want it to all look like San Francisco during Mardi gras.." This is how they do it each year. They will lose the white house this next election. They will have lost both the Legislative, and Executive branch in one fell swoop. They had all of the power to do all of their agendas to help the country become stronger, locally, nationally and internationally. They had control of everything. They were unopposed the last 8 years by any meaningful threat to their power, to their decisions and yet look around you. Go ahead, look. How are things looking to you? Ask yourself; Would state of the Nation today be worse had a democrat been in office? I don't know honestly, I am not trying to promote the Democrats, just hating on the current administration and their current loyalists. Maybe things, had a democratic president been in office right now, would be as bad as they were under Clintons 8 years…oh wait. Things were pretty good then. I don't know then. No way to tell I guess. I know, I know, Clinton lied too. Fine. Both sides do bad things. People do bad things, I get that. It's not about tit-for-tat comparing history who was worse, its all about today. I am still amazed at the right wing radio and their use of Bill Clinton as a rallying cry, still today. It is so old news. What about today??

But, you may ask, how are the republicans going to get the power back? And they will too, because they know what the democrats don't. Democrats think that their constituents are so smart all they want is to be lectured to. Knowledge does not lock people together, statistics and flow charts showing ice ages, graphs showing 17 point plans to make the economy better. These things make people like me listen. I like graphs, I like proven facts, but most people don't really care that much. Most people want all that just taken care of. Run the country, its your job. Do it well on your own or you will hear from me. It's like going to the dentist. You just expect it to be perfect. Anything less, and you will complain. This is the democratic mantra. Quiet till you don't like something, then real loud for such a short period of time it does nothing.

The republicans however will use emotion to bind. They will use our human natures desire to belong, which forms gangs, which makes us sit at the same table on lunch break, or to desperately find a familiar face at a party to keep republicans all marching in lock step. The democrats don't know how to use this emotion. Don't know how to insult the right in order to gather the left to battle. I suppose they know how to, it's just that the left is so fractured that the only thing we hate in common is that they hate us. The only thing we share in common is the letter D on our voter cards. We don't have radio shows that broadcast from ocean to ocean because there is not one person who so represents the left as Rush does the right. He is you if you are the right. His show has one goal each day and that is to divide the left from the right, and to make the right fear and hate the left. He talks about nothing but division. Only that. Division. "You my friends, are different" he says. The left however speaks about issues. About this or that, arguing among themselves as to who is more right. Issues that many don't care a whit about. Trying to 'understand' one another. Forming non partisan discussions that go nowhere. The whole time hoping the right will once the correct argument has been made, will jump ship and come aboard our leaking ship.

I think that the democratic party fits me better because I like to include people. I like to bring them together. I like to share thoughts, and become stronger with the thoughts of many. I don't like to belong to a team for the sake of being on a team. I am okay on my own.

The point of this piece was not to fight with you about political parties, we can discuss individual issues if you like, and I don't care what your voter card says, its that we need to recognize that human emotion is all powerful. The feeling you felt by walking into that house all alone, fearful of rejection and desperately needing support is powerful enough to elect Presidents.

Women are just like bananas....maybe old ones.

2008-03-22T20:02:00.002-07:00

I just walked through my kitchen the other day and noticed a small swarm of fruit flies buzzing around my sink. Like anyone, I looked around knowing that a swarm of the pests had to come from somewhere and because of the name I knew to look for older fruit. Sure enough there were two bananas that never made it into a fruit smoothy, getting older, past their prime with very little yellow visible, only black. Before I tossed the offending fruit away I had one thought, which is completely off the topic, and that is where do these damn flies come from. Are they in my fruit already, just waiting to emerge after a certain period of time, or do they appear out of thin air. Not an answer I have, but always chasing after useless knowledge I promise to find out.
We all know what to look for when we go to the grocery store shopping for fruit and vegetables. We all have our own ways, usually handed down from our mothers, and their mothers before them as to what to look for, smell for, or feel for to determine which piece of corn, or which apple, peach etc is the best of the bunch. I am a pincher. I check the corn with my nail to see if one of the kernals pops when poked or just squishes. I press once hard into my apples to see if the snap or mush. I know what I am looking for and this may be the best reason for washing your fruit after getting home. If for no other reason than because I manhandled it before you.
Cars get older, houses get older and so do people. Men get more refined, more dignified so the saying goes, and in some cases that is true. The fellows on Nightline older than me don't qualify but some seem to luck into this category. However women feel that there is a ticking clock. For some things there are, pregnancy for one. Not that becoming pregnant can't be accomplished later in life, say after forty, but it becomes more difficult and slightly riskier. But women do feel that there is a life expectancy to their beauty, their desirability, their marketability. So this is the question; Are women like bananas to men?
I find, the more I socialize, that there is a huge variety of men, with a nearly endless variety of desires, wants, and expectations. One fellow I know, who is not held in very high regard, wants his women to follow in the style of Tom Leykis. He is strong believer that his woman should be subservient to himself, and feels that from time to time he should tell her so. Well most people would go ahead and classify him as both an idiot and an asshole, I have, but still that exists. Others, want a professional, someone with a great life already, who will do nothing but compliment him, add to his life. Others may want no one that speaks, only looks pretty. This last group I think is the group that appears the biggest, gets the most press, is the one referred to the most often by drunk women crying over their vodka martinis, wishing they were still young. Does this group of men really hold as much sway as women believe?
Perfection is desired by all magazines, all movies, and all television shows and when perfection cannot be found, it is created. I have found a website that advertises "Airbrushing to the stars". Stars like Halle Barry, as beautiful as she is, and she is she is on my 5-list( the one I take to every relationship and is lamenated), needs airbrushing to make it on the cover a magazine. She is not beautiful enough for a magazine to publish a photo of her untouched. No one is. There are no longer Playboys, Esquires, or Maxims published without the aid of professional artists who specialize in brushing lines, wrinkles, and sun damage. When I photograph people I airbrush too. It is just the way it is done now-a-days. So what this means is for that group of men, who are looking for nothing but eye candy, and for you women who are the most harsh on yourselves, is that you are inundated with images of perfection, of unattainable beauty. This by itself would not be an issue except that you women internalize it. And then even worse you seek it out. There are more women's magazines demonstrating this than men's on every grocery store shelf in every part of the world. You yourself are your worst enemy.
I wonder how you would begin to 'feel' inside if you stopped flipping through the glamour rags for a couple of weeks, stopped watching the 'E' Channel of Entertainment tonight, so that your brain would have a chance to detox from all of the imagery. I may never know the answer to that because I don't really know what it feels like to begin with. But you could. Maybe you already have, and if so, please share. Maybe you will feel better about yourself….Hmmm. What a novel thought.
So lets turn the question around and point it at me. You may be saying "Sure David, you talk the talk but what do you think of the hotties jumping around on stage at the Playboy mansion, or the new up and coming starlet like Britney when she was still Hot." Ahem. Or when you look through photos on Myspace or Match. Are you affected by young beauty? I would answer honestly in saying that yes I am. I also stop and look at works of art while walking through Bellevue Square, I enjoy a beautiful house and an amazing automobile. Beautiful women are attractive to look at, but so are men to women. Do you all remember the Diet Coke commercial with the office women staring down at the construction worker? But I don't reach out to people like that who don't satisfy other criteria. Criteria that you probably posses and they don't. I, and most of my male friends, who are successful in their own ways, do not even consider dating a woman much under our age, and all of us have dated women above. For us, you are bananas but the ripening is subjective and changes with us. A woman may be too old, just like a man, to a young guy, but to a man your own age perfect. We want what you want. The only concern is whether a man you are interested in is actually looking or not. If he is happy playing the field well then your 'Picker' is broken and you need to work on that. We want conversation, if we are looking. If we are looking for a match, we are looking for shared experiences, commonalities just like you. Attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. This you as an individual need to make peace with. I realize that even though I keep myself in shape and still have all my hair and teeth, I am not everyone's cup of tea. Some women, whether younger, my age or older, just do not find my style attractive. This is the case with everyone. It could be the way I speak, the hobbies I have, or the ones I don't. It can be almost anything, but it's not really personal. No one means to NOT be attracted. It just works out that way. I have heard women say "You could have any one you want" and I am here to say that is just not true. One of my college friends told me something that has stuck over the years, and I am going to tell you because it applies to everyone of you. He said "I am more likely to get that person, you are more likely to keep them" If you fit that mold then take it. It's the better road to be on. Its not, however, the road that leads to the spotlight on E.
I have found myself marveling at Mathew McConaughey on the cover of news magazines as he comes running out of the water carrying a surfboard, and I know you have too. But I do not think myself less attractive because of it. However and you need to be honest here, if he and I were sitting side by side at a restaurant, maybe both with our shirts off, as odd as that sounds, which one would you be eyeballing? Sure, no harm done. I am not offended at all. He may be more likely to get the girl but I am….well you know the rest.
The point here is to tell you to stop letting the clock bother you. It does not exist unless you always want to be attractive to twenty year olds. That is pretty cool I understand, but you don't really want them, at least for more than a night. For those you are truly interested in, if we narrow them down to those who are actually 'looking' you are perfect and will always be. Your age, your lines, your face are just what he is looking for because it goes along with you, your experiences your heart and your ability to laugh. There are lots of seventy year olds just now finding their soul-mate….maybe for the third time. I date people my own age and always will. You will too!
Big Smile at you!

How to get OVER someone.

2008-03-22T20:02:00.001-07:00

I once had a friend tell me…hmmm or maybe I saw it on Friends. I don't know, doesn't matter, that after a relationship ended you should, if it was a particularly painful breakup, put all of the relationship pictures, and all of the items that bring back memories in a fire pit and burn it while dancing and chanting around it. By cleansing the air, the room or your memories you can more quickly get over the breakup-pain. By using the Wiccan Nature goddess dance you may be able to have the healing power of Mother Nature help you deal with your grief. Hmm, I dont know. But then, sometime later, I found myself reading a men's magazine, not sure which one but it can be found at any grocery store, and in an article on 'How to get over someone' was a statement that it was easier on you if you kept the old photos. The article said that by burning them you actually burn the memories more deeply into your mind. The act is enough to make you remember even more strongly. And then later when the healing process has begun and you may have a fond memory you will have nothing to reflect back onto. Something about having the pictures available to look at if you ever wanted to, eases the subconscious into forgetfulness faster. Hmmm. One group says go left the other says go right...What the hell are we supposed to do? At the moment you fall out of a boat into the ocean is not the best time to learn how to swim and when you find yourself in a failed relationship, and its over, is not the time to be thinking through the best course for your mental health. I want a plan for next time. I think we should all have a plan.

Often times after a breakup many of your friends will say something to you trying to be helpful like "You should get out and party!" or "Let's go get you laid", or "I didn't like him anyway". And others will try to help by saying "Well it's his loss". But what really can be said? Is there any combination of words in any language that would be useful when your heart has been broken? There really isn't is there? Your well meaning friends see your pain and want to help, of course they do they care about you, want to offer you a solution to feel better, but what they want to do doesn't exist. They want you to feel better sooner rather than later just like you do, but can they? Can they actually do or say anything to ease your stomach pains, your heartache? I suppose by keeping you busy they can for a while, but at some point you will be home alone, in the dark with nothing between you and your thoughts. Nothing to keep you distracted and for those times you should have a plan. Three day water supply, batteries and a flashlite for emergencies, and a plan for heartbreak. Hopefully neither will ever be needed, but like a Scout, I am prepared.

Now what happens when you find yourself in the odd situation where the person you really care about and have been in a relationship, begins not returning your calls? Maybe things have been shaky for a while. Doubts have crept in to your head but you don't want it to end, you want it to work out, you like this person. But you are getting the feeling this may be one sided, you just don't want to overreact. Maybe the return calls start taking a bit longer than they should. maybe the tone in the voice is not quite what you hope for, or text messages begin taking the place of phone calls. Till finally you wait, and wait and still hear nothing. What do you do then? You confront the person, right? Say something like "Hey what's going on here?" Of course you would. Anyone in their right mind would be nervous, and would want to get some answers. Wanting answers is normal, even if it's bad news you are expecting. But why? Why is getting an answer, getting closure so important to us? Why is hearing it from the persons mouth so important to us?

If that same person had just not called you back at all, how would you have felt? There would be no doubt it was 'over'. You would 'know' what was going on, but since you had not heard them say 'it', it would not be over for you. Why is it so important to hear your partner end it personally? Even hearing the news from a friend is not enough, is it? What is it that drives us, to seek out a situation where we know we will probably be humiliated and hurt just to hear that person finally say the words "Its over."? Why do we search that out?

One of my very good friends could not bare to 'end it' with his partner after a long relationship and so he left a note. Some of you would scream to hear this, but let's think about it for a minute. What is wrong with a note? If the note were clear, concise, explanatory, even loving, but also final, why would that not be sufficient? All the logical information would be there. All the answers to the key questions were in there. Any personal communication would just be re-hashing what was explained in the note. Why is that not enough? Well as you can probably imagine his partner indeed did not find it enough and spent much of the next week trying to meet him, to hear 'it' straight from his mouth. Which he finally submitted to and the result was pretty rough. The night was agony for both of them. But helped close an emotional door also. So it was useful. But why?

Closure is not something I think we can really fully explain. It is not really an emotion, not really a feeling, it's just something abstract that helps us move on in some odd psychological way. Without it we are left with a hole in our belly that has a hard time closing. Without it, we are left exposed and vulnerable. Without it we entertain thoughts that 'it' might be salvaged somehow, there might be an explaination that we missed, and we would hate to fly off the handle if there were an explanation. We find ourselves in a position of being in a relationship psychologically, but being single in reality. Holding out hope.

So what is the best way to get over a person? Any tips from the gathered experience? What is the best way you have found to get closure after a nasty break up. Assuming you were the one broken up with of course. I don't think it's quite the same thing if you were the break-ee. How can a person who's heart has just been broken start feeling better fast? Is there anything out there like Zinc for a cold? Something that shaves a few days of agony off of the healing process?

Blind dates

2008-03-22T20:01:00.001-07:00

Blind Dates
Seems as often as once a week, maybe less here and there, someone, usually a female asks, or more accurately states that she has a girlfriend who is really nice and single and well.....I think you two would really hit it off. In fact I have actually never heard it end there, not once. The next couple of minutes are me smiling and nodding my head while she praises her friend and all of her accomplishments. Twice in fact this month I have heard this and both of these included as accomplishments the fact that they owned their own houses. Of course a litany of compliments for their appearance are included but since women really have no idea what constitutes a good looking woman to a guy that is all samarily ignored. How they look, how nice they are, and if I keep quiet the list will continue. She likes to hike, you like to hike right? She loves to ski, and jog and I know you like to do that. She has traveled and does very well for herself. All this leads to the question; Are blind dates ever a good idea....Ever?
On the surface blind dates make alot of sence. A person, lets agree it is usually a female, who finds herself in a situation where she knows two people. One a man and one a woman. Hmmm, I live in Seattle lets drop the gender whenever possible. Gender labels are flimsey here at best. Each one she likes, for various reasons, each one has attractive qualities that she likes, and each one is single. BOOM! Right? What is the problem with that? Honestly there shouldnt be one, it really seems like a perfect system. Each person has verification that the other is normal, each person comes with a stamp of approval like USDA. Who in their right minds would buy meat from the store that was not stamped with a government seal? So who would risk a date with someone who has not been 'verified'?
Really, I wish it worked, but it doesnt seem to for several reasons. One being simple. It is the same reason why no one should listen to movie critics unless they have a long track record of being right on the money for you. Lets take that same movie critic(always a man it seems) and drop him, into your livingroom right now. Lets then ask him to look around and see what he gives the thumbs up to or the thumbs down to. Let him see what is on your TV, what you are eating, what your pictures look like on your walls, your clothes, and what you are doing with your time. Lets see how many things he likes that you like. Think he likes the same food, the same music, the same types of people with the same types of personalities? Do you think he even voted for the same presidential canditate? If very many of these things dont line up, then why would we think we would like the same movies as he does. Nothing about his life would be appealing to us, ours is not appealing to him, but we think we would all choose the same movie given the option?
I loved Dumb and dumber, I love still all Will Farrell movies, Goldmember and the 40 year old Virgin. I love all slapstick humor, love chocolate milk spraying from noses, love to watch people explode from overdoses of laxitives. I love it. But I still have not seen Titanic. >GASP< Dont want to because it was made with one intention and that intention was to make us sad. I dont think there is anything wrong with that, I understand that sometimes everyone needs a teary release and a movie like this can be the trigger you need to start the waterworks, but I really dont like to feel that way. Now with no scientific proof, and being way too lazy to investigate this claim, I will guess that Titanic got better reviews than Dumb and Dumber. Just a guess. Should I have just followed the well meaning recomendation?
Each of us is so different, with such an abundance of reasons why, the shear weight of them could stop a Kleidsdale. So our friend who is trying to set us up is being honest and altruistic when she makes this love connection but with all of our deep diffenences what chance does she have really. From the first variable of physical appearance to the preferences of right or left side of the bed. Each of us wants different things, expects different things, some expect to land the greatest partner ever. Will never stop tossing others aside until they are found. Are completely happy with themselves and their lives and dont need a person to lean on but rather would like a partner in life. Others are lonely and really have a hole in their middles that needs to be filled, and a partner is what they hope will fill it. While others still are pretty happy just getting laid. Our friend is very nice for trying but although she knows us as we present ourselves to her, she cant possibly know what each of us brings as far as expectations for a partner.
We are all different coming in to relationships and sometimes things happen midstream to change us forever too. It seems that when we are young we are shaped like playdough, and we all just mush into one another playfully and pull apart just as easily. Ever seen a boy walk over to another and simply say, "want to play?" ? The answer is always yes, and when its time to go, neither thinks much about pulling apart and never seeing one another again. Fast forward to our first date. Here again we are like soft playdough, all excited and nervous. Happy to be going on a 'Date', and really excited to be going on a date with the person coming up the steps right now. We get mushy and mush together at the door and hopefully the date goes well. If it does we stay mushy....see where this is going? If it doesnt, we recognize something in the other that was not so appealing, and we form a hard edge to that for the next time. The playdough is soft and mushy everywhere except right there in that one small flat hard edge. Life and dating continue, friends have both good and bad dates that all get shared and each time a date goes badly another harder edge forms to keep that situation from happening again next time. "Ok I will never again date a man who asks me out wearing a wife-beater!" Simple but there it is, an edge. Its a boundry. So as we mature and grow older looking for the one to finally grow old and die with, the older we get the more edges there are and the harder it is for each person to click their playdough together with the others. We look more and more like rocks trying to mush together little areas near the bottom. Maybe his is near the left side but hers is absolutely near the bottom what will happen? Nothing. No call back. Faster and faster we recognize what are well known as Red Flags to us. Aha, now I have your attention. God Damit that is what he has been talking about. Yes I know Red Flags. Well did you have any on your very first date? Maybe you did. But not likely. You were mushier.
But isn't it exciting when you meet someone you do really 'click' with. Your mushy spots match up to their mushy spots just right, and you come together with an easy "Click!" like two jigsaw pieces.
Dont feel guilty at all for looking for red flags later as you go, especially early on. We all do it. Ask prodding questions to a man like "So have you got any feelings towards other men....ya know sexually?" Trying to find latent homosexuality especially if you are well dressed, clean, in good shape and single in Seattle is common. Fair question. Maybe she has no intereste in Three ways, and does not want that brought up later. Fine. Maybe someone was cheated on, so they ask if the other has ever cheated on anyone in their life, or ever lied to another. Whatever, they are all searching for red flags, listening to answers and hoping they find nothing. Hoping they dont see what has burned them in the past. I like very much to hear my woman say "Good answer" after one of my various tests. I know we just fit together a little better then. Click!

Has the Boy been replaced by the man, or the Dude with the Pussy?

2008-03-22T20:00:00.000-07:00

Has the boy been replaced by the man, or the Dude with the Pussy?

I am not sure at what point I began looking at those of the opposite sex as simply people. Not sure when it happened, where, why or how. It just seemed to be that one day I noticed an attractive woman for who she was rather than just how she looked and it scared me. I realized that she was a person, just like everyone else, with wants needs, desires and issues. Not just speaking of the regular dating issues, but rather life issues. I saw her for not just who she was but also as I watched her, now with new eyes, for whom she might be. My mind went out of control a bit and I started seeing her how she might be as a partner, as a potential friend, or confidant and as crazy as it all was I found that I was not interested anymore. And for that reason alone I worried myself. Was I thinking too much about something that should be simple? Or was I finally looking past the veil to what is really important?

Time is the part of the puzzle that I had left out of this particular puzzle. I had not spent enough time to determine any of those qualities yet still I am making myself wonder. There is no free lunch. There is no one who brings us what we want without asking for at least as much in return, needing as much in return. There is no person who is simply attractive and will be our possession simply for the sake of being together (excluding aged millionaires and models) No person that can be a possession for any reason. And that brought me to my last question. A question I have never asked before as a single man. How much am I willing to offer up and what do I want in return?

For some reason that I have yet to put my finger on I have stopped simply desiring beauty. Not that I have started to desire ugly, but suddenly I have more requirements on my list before I will expend any energy towards a person. It's possibly the beginning of a neurosis that I see so many roadblocks between myself and another person and have no desire for anything superficial at all. Damn, I hardly recognize myself. Getting laid seems to be near the bottom of my list and for a heterosexual man that is confusing as hell. Why don't I want to meet a random person at a bar, convince them as quickly as possible that I am one of two people; first being, a sexual fulfillment for them, and the second being a potential mate (true or not), in order to get them to come home with me that night. It seems like so much effort for so little gain. In that scenario I would find myself acting out a role, and responding possibly to another person acting out a role as well. Like two Finches courting each other only to fly off in opposite directions once it's over. Why can't I be a finch again?

I have begun to sound like my women friends in that I want to be surprised and blown away by a woman before beginning any physical chase. Rather than chasing the physical and then being surprised later on. That has happened in the past, but now with my brain acting the way it is, I feel that is backwards. Yikes, I have to check to see if my penis has dropped off somewhere along the way. Is there a testosterone test I can take?

At no time have I stopped ogling attractive women, flirting from a distance or noticing what they volunteer to show, but if I don't see a long term reason to go out a second time aside for the possibility of getting 'some', I won't even ask to come upstairs, wont try to pretend to like them more than I do. Only if there is a physical attraction when together with surprising qualities in conversation will I attempt to pursue and if asked to wait at that point for sex, I would happily do so…for as long as asked. The sex has suddenly begun to cum errrr….come second. Is there a vaccine for what I have? Oh to stumble around in the dark again, to chase blindly and be led by my more intelligent brain, the one down below again. Decisions were so much simpler. Thoughts so much less confusing.

I have found myself, recently, at a bar, restaurant or on a set up date, blind or online, actually trying to learn something about the woman, trying to drive a conversation with her. What is up with that? Not only is it odd, but its not paying dividends either. Hard to stop because its what I want, who I am now, but still it seems to be not what many women are looking for. There seems to be, and I think I used to understand it, a language for speaking to women who are out to have fun and it's not about their life, career or family. I think, if I remember right finding out where they live is first and foremost in importance, to gauge how long it would take to get there that night, or whether or not you will have to share with your roommate the apartment. Next it's about where they like to party, and if they want to party now, and maybe "lets party" said real loudly…Am I getting it? Do I remember this conversation well? There might be a question about where they work just to grease the wheels a bit, but come on. Do you really care? Hell no. I am now what I would have to say is a kill-buzz. A conversationalist. Ugh. I bore myself.

I want very badly to poke fun at these other people, and their short attention spans and goals, but I won't, and you shouldn't either. Unless you were really, really ugly you went through this too, and could possibly do it again if supplied with enough liquor, so live and let live. It's hard to let go of that lifestyle, at least for me, but necessary to move on to the next stage. I am not twenty anymore, nor thirty, and my goals and priorities have changed. But still I was there, and those that follow are different from me only in measure of time, nothing more. Most will grow out of it, some won't, and you know who they are, but still. Let it go.

Right now I find myself a bit jealous of those who are close to my age and still thriving in this environment. It's an emotional jealousy not a logical one. I remember the fun of the 'chase', the excitement of a new person out of nowhere losing clothes in front of me. And, since I am not gay, still hope that will happen, but it's not what I am searching out. And since I am not looking for it, it does not show itself often. That's okay. I am okay with that. I will continue to enjoy life while waiting for the person who doesn't mind a chat. Doesn't mind sharing and learning a bit. There is no longer a hurry. Why there isn't I can't really say either, but there isn't.

I remember clearly the desire, the obsession with having someone at my side, someone beautiful, and I cant say that is entirely gone, but now I find that a Friday night is a good time to sit and catch up on email, write an article, or see a movie (by myself sometimes). It no longer seems like a waste of time to spend time with guys just because they weren't girls. Now having fun with friends, and accomplishing personal goals have become higher priorities than getting a mate. Having a girlfriend is no longer important, enjoying life, enjoying myself are.

Broke the Love addiction...but at what cost??

2008-03-22T19:59:00.000-07:00

It has been long enough now that I have been single that I have begun to forget what the feeling is like to be in love. It does not seem all that long ago that I could remember it, even taste it. I had been there, deeply consumed by it and had it fall apart, which left scars and memories that until fairly recently had been easy to remember, easy to feel.
I spent a lot of my time chasing that feeling again, dating anyone and everyone, dating long distance, dating online, and being set up. There were weeks where I would go out with three or four women one after the other searching for the one that would bring me back to the feelings that I had had. Searching for a substitute to re-introduce the drug I had experienced that was love.
Slowly, as I look back I see that there was no quick fix to the pain, no way to substitute one person for another, or to fake it. Like an addiction to a drug, the only way to shake it was cold turkey, tears, forced smiles and…time.
The first days were agony. Physical agony. Minute by minute the day would tick by, with my teeth clenched, grinding each other to dust, and my fists tight, but hidden in my pockets trying to keep composure in front of clients, and friends. But always breaking down minutes later once in private. Songs, words, smells almost anything could bring me right back to the feeling of complete loss.
Today is different. By a long ways. I remember the person I used to love. I remember many fond memories, remember that I liked being in love, that I liked sharing and having the intimacy, but have forgotten the exact way it felt, only that it felt good. Really, really good. Like a woman saying that she remembers the pain of giving birth hurt, but only in generic terms. Yeah it hurt, but to try to re-feel it, you can't. I sit today, in coffee shops, not trying to forget by staying busy, but rather just trying to get things done. Not sitting there hoping I would avoid seeing or hearing anything that would remind me of her, because thinking of her does not have a feeling any more. I have forgotten what it is like to be in love. Forgotten the allure of the drug. But even a drug addict will tell you they still feel the pull. Still remember that they liked the drug, only that they want to try to avoid it with willpower now. I don't want to avoid love, no I do want it again, but not with the desperation of a newly broken addict.
On the surface this is a great thing. The pain is long gone; now nothing but soft pillows, and time to do whatever I want, when I want remain. Gas flows from me as freely as it does anywhere in the Middle East, and although I do make my bed regularly, if I don't, its okay, and only I will notice later. In essence every night when I go to bed, and every morning when I wake up I am "Right!". I don't come home to unexpected tears, or unexplained anger, or jealousy. But I also don't come home to a hug, or a kiss. There are certainly pluses to being single. No doubt about it. No drama for one big one, but it seems to be a slight net loss. Not quite worth it.
Adding to my logical assessment of this situation several of my friends are going through tough relationship issues, and my ex, whom I am getting along with very well lately, I see just often enough to help me remember what the bad was like. I am hearing our old arguments, over and over, from the voices of my friends, hearing their pain, and their confusion at how the person they fell in love with could talk to them or treat them the way they do. I felt the same way. I did not get it at all. I hear them explain a conversation and hear how lost they feel in their relationship. I remember that.
The other day I had a conversation with one of my best friends named Elizabeth. I told her that I had just purchased a book called "Just for him" and told her what it was about. It is the sequel to another that was written for women called oddly enough, "Just for her", and each tries to help the other sex understand the thinking patterns of the other just a little bit more. She was so nice in saying that I already understood women seemingly better than most men and for a minute I felt a bit cocky and almost agreed. Its true, I can speak to a woman, or a man about a woman, and have a better idea of what is going on with her, in her mind, than 99 percent of the population of the planet. The remaining 1 percent are either therapists or gay. They each have me beaten.
But what I realized right then and there was that I can only see it all from above, not from within. I needed help for when I do venture into another relationship (if ever), and find myself face to face with the seemingly swamp like emotional stability of a woman. When my temper is flared, when my feelings have been hurt and yet the answers are still so obvious, how will I rise above to see what is the right path through the foggy mess that can be a woman's emotions? This is what I hope the books offer. Quick reference that will allow me to cool down, gather reconnaissance, and plan ahead for my next move. I wonder if it will work.
It was not long ago, that my friend Rob from high school called me in a panic about his wife who had just given birth to their first baby. She was going through….uhm, is 'a lot' enough of a statement to sum up what a woman goes through after delivery? No? Well when a person's emotional and physical world is turned upside down after 12 hours of marathon like exercise only to return home to a home that looks the same, to mate that looks like the man in the wedding pictures but can no longer understand you, your needs or even your words, shit flies. I get that. I lived it, and remember it well, what its like to share a bed with Charles Manson. I also remember that it was temporary, and understandable. I know I made mistakes, could see him making mistakes now and was able to offer hindsight advice.
There was a lot on his mind that day, and I let him vent, but as I read this book, I got validation for a point I made and more than that, an explanation. There was a situation he was speaking of and I knew what he had to do about it, I just did not know why. I gave him the correct advice, which is easy when the shells are not raining down around your ears, but still it was almost lucky. It was observational at best, but as to what made a women act the way she did, I was at a loss. Now I get it, or think I do. I have glimpsed into the thinking, the place where men fear to tread, of a woman and understood that small insignificant portion.
Sadly this is only one point, so full understanding will take longer than breaking the genetic code, but I do feel like before I die, I will have scratched the surface.
He was describing to me the fact that she saw a messy kitchen and had asked him, in the middle of the other care-giving he was working on, to clean it. She went on to say that it had to be done now, not later, or much later, and that no, she could not just forget about it till later, that it would bother her till it was done. He was very busy, work, dog, her, new baby, and thought that the dishes, which could easily wait till a bit later on, were at the bottom of his linear priority list. And looked at that way, they were. On a linear scale they were at the very bottom. Nothing could have waited as long as they could have. But, it seems, that women don't think linearly like men, at least not all the time, but rather like a computer with multiple windows open begging for attention all at the same time. For her the dishes were an open window that could not be minimized, but had to be dealt with or she would just continue to think about it. Men don't get that on the surface. We cant. We can easily put a thought away for later, so why cant women, we think. Now I am beginning to understand how nagging begins and why it is so one sided. Men can put off mowing the lawn, or vacuuming the house till after the game, but a woman may feeling like she would rather just do it, to close that window, than have it sitting there staring her in the face. So she goes ahead and does it, then feels resentful. Hmmm. I get that now. Still don't want to do it till after the game, but I do feel her pain now.
When I hear, or read in profiles, that someone is happy in their life, that they do not 'need' anyone, but rather that they 'want' someone, I get that too. I feel the same way. But I what believe to be true, is that we have forgotten how good it was to be head over heals, and have lost the passionate desire to get it back. We have settled into a good life, made peace with ourselves, become comfortable with ourselves and now demand more in order to risk the drama free existence we have. Maybe that is good. I don't know. I certainly am in the middle of it. Spending a Friday night at home on the computer, or watching a comedy is fine with me now a days. If friends want me to come out, I will, and I will have a good time. Might meet someone, usually do in fact, but then I come home alone say hi to the dog and put on sweats. Comfort zone again.
I recently decided to try online dating, for the second time around. The first being years ago, and you can read all about it in older blogs. An overall good experience but mixed with a lot of flea-market drama. Now I am back in the people catalog and even after 6 weeks I have only met one person. Why would that be? My photos are current and look good, and on paper things read pretty well. Well its me I would guess. I don't have that killer instinct to hunt and kill my prey online because I am happy. If I could imagine the person on the screen being someone I could be in love with, or had gotten some indication that led me to believe more was possible I might be different, but it all seems like too much work. Reaching down to pick up a penny in the rain is too much work. Most would walk past it, but if that were a penny wrapped with a hundred, I think most would stop no matter how hard it was raining. Love is the hundred dollar bill. I know its out there somewhere, but even it was at my feet, would I recognize it and pick it up? It is raining after all, and I am comfortable in my house.

Having a blue day?

2008-03-22T19:58:00.002-07:00

The other day I was having what is pretty normal in this world to have, even though it feels very personal and isolated, and that was a blue day. I have written about them and thought about them and what I have found is there is just no way around having them on occasion just like once in a while even with all the vitamins and exercise in the world you will catch a cold. You just have to roll with it.
I was moping around calling friends, looking for something to shake my feeling of, at the time aloneness (Hey I am human), and ended the night by just going to bed early and getting some sleep. The next day I began venting on one of my best friends, who at first scolded me for not calling her first, then went ahead to tell me some bad news. You see there is a couple we mutually call friends. Kathy and Rusty. They have a beautiful little boy who is four and runs around playing with all the other kids, and are newly pregnant with another. Hurray. Good stuff, kids.
Stepping back a bit, all of us, plus another ten or so friends were all out together about 6 weeks ago having fun and unbeknownst to us, Rusty had just started complaining about stomach pains, not aches, pains. Shortly, a week or so, after our get together which was great, nothing bad enough to stop him from bowling, drinking beer and watching the football game, they decided to take him to the hospital to have it examined. Initially there was serious concern but it was up in the air whether or not he had pancreatitus, or something much worse. The news yesterday was that he has stage four pancreatic cancer, already spread to the lymph nodes, and is given only a one percent chance of survival. That might be being optimistic too one percent. Miracles do happen and I am praying for one now, but still we can only hope for the best. Hope that his kids will get to know him long enough to remember him. Hopefully forever, but at least to remember. Its our worst fear, if we think about it. To have our kids not even remember us. To live a life of 40 or so years, to have children, fall deeply in love with them, planning their futures and then to have the lines abruptly unemotionally cut. Everyone else will move on without us and leave us in our hospital bed alone. Our children growing up with nothing but faded photos to know us by. How can we communicate to them how much they are loved through a photo? How can we live a whole full life with them when we wont be there?
One day about six years ago, I went to the dr. complaining about dizziness. The dr. who I did know, sat down, looked at his clipboard and within five minutes, I swear it was that short, he diagnosed me with either MS or a brain tumor. No tests, no guessing, and no saying well we might have something to be concerned about. No, I had one or the other.
I remember the days and nights following that diagnoses, I had just lost a friend to a brain tumor the year earlier, and I thought that having one was a death sentence. I lived the fear that is the reality Rusty has now. My MRI came back normal, packed sinuses it showed, and being the person I am now, had I seen that dr. again, I would have sent him to the hospital with a broken nose. The bastard unemotionally misdiagnosed me with a life ending, or changing diagnoses that was completely unwarranted. Ignorance is bliss let me tell you, and the fact that you can only imagine what it is like to have your family move on without you is a good thing, I unfortunately got a peek into what it was like. It was horrible. It was almost my reality, and may be yours tomorrow.
I was talking with another one of my long time friends earlier this morning and after she told me all about the fight she had just had with her husband, how upset they both were, and how he had chosen to sleep downstairs without her, I told her the story of Rusty. No manipulation was intended but she immediately said "Ya know, the fight was stupid. I should just call him and get over it" Yeah, you should. Easier said from the outside, but still you should. And you should too. Rusty and Kathy had no idea 48 hours ago that this was reality. Fighting over respect, listening, and who should apologize first just became nothing but dust in the wind. His life is ending, hers is going to have to continue without him, and she will have to raise two children who will never know their daddy. Minutes count now. Every single second counts now. Money is now worthless, and time is priceless. Arguments are wasting time, expressing love is all there is time for. Tears and expressions of love.
I care about them so much, and am so worried. There is nothing I can do, nothing you can do. Nothing at all. God, if you believe, is in control of this, and knowing that the world is not fair, and bad things happen to good people leads me to believe that every night that I go to bed, with all four limbs moving, no serious scars to my body or face, and no disfunction in my brain (no jokes please), is a huge gift. Another day with my family, or another day without having to be worried sick about one of them.
Have you ever thought how good it feels to not be worried sick about someone you love? Maybe you should. What would you be doing right now if the person you loved the most in the world was in the hospital right now, and may not make it. Now take a deep breath and go give that person a hug, and thank god (again if you believe) that everything is okay….at least it is for another day. Prepare yourself though, tomorrow is coming. No way to stop it, and everyone you love had better know you love them, know your feelings, because you just never know when people will be writing about you.
Thank you God.

Self Help books, M.A.S.H, and Long lasting Love!

2008-03-22T19:58:00.001-07:00

Last night I was watching a long lost episode of MASH on late night TV, sadly this was on a Friday night too. Part of the drama was regarding a young surgeon who had been sent from HQ to educate the Drs at the great old 4077 MASH unit. One scene showed the young Dr in front of an easel demonstrating how to correctly do a heart surgery after shrapnel had entered it. What they were talking about was not important to the story, what was important was that one of the characters took great offence to a young Dr from Tokyo, who was not on the 'front lines' trying to tell them what should be done, and how to do it. Classic situation right? Who has not been in, or witnessed this same arraignment in real life? A young newbie coming to your workplace and changing everything, speaking with importance when you know, that they have no clue what reality is, and what they are saying just does not work in practicality. There are just times when all the book education in the world is not useful, when the random chaotic nature of everything, especially a womans brain, is too complicated to predict and you just have to wing it.

Right now I find myself in a Starbucks tapping away on my keyboard amongst hoards of holiday shoppers, and families and completely alone at the same time. Perfect. This is city life and I love it. Next to me is a young girl, who apparently is a new psychologist sitting with her mother and step father talking about her sister's upcoming wedding. Her mother made a joke and they all sighed, rolled their eyes and laughed after saying that 'her' (the young girls) only job would be to keep the bride calm. My first thought is well who better? Who better to keep someone calm a family member, during a potentially stressful situation, and keep to keep her own feelings out of it, than a psychologist? Who better right? Uncle Joe the plumber? Aunt Betty the overweight, unemployed quirky one? But is the young psychologist really better? Seems like it should be right?

I have been reading a self-help book that I picked up, and have already been made fun of for reading it, called For Men Only. Using lay mans terms this husband and wife team try to explain to scrubs like me, what is going on in a woman's mind during what to men are very confusing times. Which if you are a man, know are any times the words feelings arise. As I read the book I felt like I was getting some great insights, and looking back on my previous relationships, my mistakes and their explosions, I can now say "Oh, that was what was going on" I have even been able to help a few friends with my new insight in their relationships, if only a small amount. In war (sarcastic analogy) reconnaissance of the enemy is critical to winning, or at least not losing. So, in my male, linear, and logical mind, figuring out what is going on, what each emotional outburst means, and preparing a solution for it makes sense. (I am not as smart as I look, so I realize you probably think this is ridiculous, but I was a boy scout and preparation is key to any endeavor in my mind). Each nugget of insight into the female brain, however off base it might be for 'you' in particular gives me a feeling of empowerment. Each thing I learn makes me feel like I might be able to survive longer the next time a 'battle' arises, but will I? Is being armed with information, like this girl next to me, when in the heat of the 'battle', when emotional energy is being bounced from the walls, singing my eyebrows, when it is directed at you personally useful? When her sister breaks down, starts crying that everything is wrong, and starts directing her anger towards her sister, maybe calling her stupid, or bringing up her past failed relationships out of nowhere, will she be able to pull from her knowledge and be able to do her duty to "Keep her calm" or will she crumble, get angry back, take it all personal, and storm out with her hands up. Will I be able to do any better with my new arsenal of information when my next love lashes out at me? Will I remember what it said on page 47, chapter 3 about emotional outbursts and how to best successfully (and usefully) handle them, or will I shut down, like usual, throw up my hands and say I need to go clean the garage? I don't know. I think it's like those who watch exercise Gurus and then read about them dieing of heart attacks while jogging in Central Park, or people like Dr Phil getting a divorce. We wonder, damn, what's the point? If they can't do any better than that, with all of their knowledge how the hell can I be expected to do any better than I do now? One thing for sure I can tell you, like any survival kit, its of no use unless its accessible during an emergency, so this little book will be safely tucked in my office bookshelf where I can quickly retrieve it while ducking for cover.
As to whether or not it works, I will have to let you know.

One of my longest known friends is a woman I have known since our first year of college. We have been there for each other through various relationships and for some reason, have never crossed 'the line' with each other, and have become great friends. Lifelong friends for sure. No doubt in my mind if I am ever having issues, she will drop everything and come meet for a talk or to be of service, and I would do the same for her.

Her now long time relationship has been as rocky as any I have ever heard. Everything negative you could possibly hope to find in a failed relationship you could find in this one, yet they are still together and still love one another. The other day she and I were talking about some of those issues, well I was listening, and she said something that surprised me a bit. She is an absolute type A personality, very successful, very smart and has a lot of spunk, so with that in mind what she said was all the more surprising. I had to read between the lines a bit, this was not said in words so much as in emotion, but she was beginning to make peace with the fact that he had 'changed' as much as he was going to. That there were absolutely going to be differences between their ways of thinking on some very core issues that she was not going to win on. He was not either, lets make that perfectly clear, but she was going to have to let go of it. And she was. She told me that she knew at his age he was who he was. And that wasting emotional energy trying to make him perfect, after some 14 years, was wasted energy. They were absolutely going to differ on some things and she was going to go all Zen on me and let it be. "Bend like a blade of grass in the wind grasshopper".

This is not the first time I have heard this. I have heard it before, but usually it is out of the mouths of 'old' couples. Couples that have been together for longer than I have been alive. Talking about the success of having acceptance to one another's differences, to their uniqueness, and the inability to always have 'their' own way. I wonder if this itself is the key to long life, and happiness. To know that you really can't do much better than being in a fairly successful relationship, and accepting your partner for a flawed human who is doing their best to find happiness in their life with you. Their motivations may be at odds with yours at times, their actions confusing or irritating, but if they love you, if they are still trying, still care enough to change when possible, to accept what they see also as flaws in you (AND YOU HAVE MANY!!!), would it not work for all of us to follow Grasshopper?
Just a thought.

Bitchy today? Got a reason?

2008-03-22T19:57:00.000-07:00

Approximately six weeks ago I was in a car accident with my kids. We were traveling on I-5 in the left hand lane going about 35 miles per hour, when a small Honda appeared on my left, between me and the concrete barrier. He was passing traffic on the shoulder and moving at a high rate of speed too. As soon as he passed us he cut in front and locked up his brakes (or stalled it no one knows for sure), either way we slammed into him and were creamed from behind too. Don't worry I am going somewhere with all of this, but still it's an interesting story so stick with me. The three cars involved all pulled to the side of the road, and I, after checking the status of the kids, called 911. I knew this was pretty bad, especially with what this guy had done, but really I had no idea. The driver of the Honda, who caused the accident, jumped out and came back to my car while I was speaking to the police. I stayed put but cracked my window ( smartest thing I could have done there, even though I wanted to get out and pound the skinny bastard.) He kept talking to me through the crack and tried to get me off the phone to talk with him only, but I silenced him and told him that I was already on the phone with the cops. "You are talking with the cops right now?!" He asked. "Yep"

He fled. And off he drove in a cloud of smoke.

The other car and I stayed behind, reported the fleeing mans license to the police, exchanged information and injury reports with one another, but with all okay, the cars all munched but drivable, we left.

Later that day, as I am still trying to calm down, my Mercedes looking pretty bad, both front and back, in my driveway, I get a call from the police. They were looking for a statement from me and offering me more information about the offender whom they had caught. Turned out they caught him about mile or so down the freeway where he caused another accident with two other cars. Pretty bad huh? But it gets worse. The car he was driving was stolen, yes he stole it and that explains the erratic driving, he was escaping, but worse still he had Carjacked it. Actually pulled a person out of it, violently, and took it. Now its time for the feel-good ironic part. The car he carjacked was a stick shift, but he had only learned how to drive an automatic.

That explained the cloud of smoke as he left the accident with me. His transmission and clutch were burning up. He was driving in first gear on the freeway, and may explain why he stalled in front of me. He might have tried to shift. What a Putz! What a woman! Oh dear God did I just say that out loud??! I take that back.

So, five cars damaged, one person left on the street, apparently okay, but I have not heard, and all because of one person, with no money, no insurance, no drivers license and no way to compensate all of us who have to pay deductibles for our uninsured motorists coverage. Its okay, we managed to get through another accident with no injuries. Read an earlier blog on how when you buy something new, you have to expect it will get damaged, because it will, and begin dealing with it with a good attitude now. All in all this was a Good day. My kids survived this without a scratch. Its just a car after all. I think my priorities are pretty well in place.

Now it has been six weeks since my car has been towed away and I am about to get it back (crossing fingers). What do you think my expectations will be for the quality of that car? What would you expect? Would a pretty good job be sufficient? Would it be alright if the hood was put back on close, but not quite perfect, or the paint black, but not shiny? Hell no! Right? What would you expect? For me it's Perfection. Brand spanking new is what I expect. But the question is what will happen if its not?

If you have ever called your cable company, phone company, or internet company (oh right that is the same company), and demanded that something be fixed, not just when they can but 'Right Now!". If you have ever uttered the words "This is unacceptable" (My pet peeve by the way) then you too expect perfection. If your bill is five dollars more than you expected, or your internet is down for one day you want compensation right? I bet you have even gotten out your calculator to figure out how much one day of internet costs you and tried to get them to "pay it back." And then comically wanted to charge them for your "Time." Ha. Please. But the question is it worth it?

After I bought the house I am in now, I had a bathroom remodeled and used the handyman the previous owners had used to do it. I picked out all of the fixtures, paint, and flooring and once 'done' I came in to check on it. Unbelievable. He had left the worst work in the world and had said he was done. The walls were bumpy, and uneven, the paint was not smooth and glossy anywhere, and the sink had not been hooked up right. Of course I pointed it all out and had him work some more on it and told him to call me when it was done ( I was not living there at the time). He called a day later and I asked him about all the jobs. "Yes, all done" he said, and I said fine. It wasn't. And I let it go.
Four years later I still look at the walls and still am bugged. Why did I let it go? Why was I just nice to him? He was a very nice guy, but why did I let it go? I still don't know, but I know that it made me feel burned, and I probably won't let it happen again.

All of us expect perfection from ourselves too. We all think we do a great job at what we do, try to find someone who will say "No I am just average at my job." Just try. You can't do it. Even the guy who takes money at the booth on the way into the dump will say that he/she does an above average job if asked. Everyone thinks, incorrectly by the way, that they are more important to their job than they really are. Especially after being at a job for a while. But were you, or I, to drop off the face of the planet tomorrow, our jobs would be filled by someone else who will eventually think the same thing. You are not irreplaceable. If you think you are, then you might be taking yourself too seriously. "Here's your sign" as the comedian says.

So how do we feel when some customer of ours gets in our grill about a job not done 'perfectly' by either us or the company we work for. Maybe a refrigerator was delivered with a tiny scratch on the back, bottom left side where the wall goes. Or the paperwork is behind schedule by a few days, or the "widget' will be delivered a day later than expected. Oh Holy Hell! The world is coming to an end. Right? Now it's our turn to try to explain how it happened, how this is unusual and that you all did your best but maybe a mistake was really made or maybe a partner company made a mistake that is now reflecting on you. It all makes sense to you, but conveying that through the tirade is not easy is it? So why are we such hard asses to others when it happens to us? We know how it feels to be cornered by an obvious mistake that we made and all we ask is the time to make it 'right'. To be able to offer an apology and fix it. Don't you think that everyone else wants the same thing? Usually the person you are talking to has had nothing to do with the mistake, but still "UNACCEPTABLE!" is finding its way from your lips to his/her ears.

There is a subject the book called The Secret talks about more than any other. It's about bringing to you what you think about most. I wont deal with it here, most of you know about this, if you don't it is worth checking out because it's all true and useful. What I will say is that if you expect a fight while picking up the phone and digging out the number of the offending company, you will find one. It's just so simple. If you are saying with a back and forth head swagger something like "Oh HELL no!" then you will have a fight on your hands. But just like the book speaks about, if you get on the phone expecting to have everything taken care of, to have a helpful person willing to fix your issue and offer an apology, and probably more, then you will get that as well. Happens to me all the time.

Expect things to go well, expect perfection, but when it is not delivered remember that the person in front of you did not wake up that day, kiss his wife and say "God Damn it, I want to have a fucked up day with lots of people yelling at me, and then I want to screw them and laugh as they leave" They woke up, and hoped that everything they would do, everything they are responsible for would go well, that they would encounter nice people, so when they go back home to that same wife, and she asks, "How was your day?" He can say, "You know what? It was a good day, there were some mistakes but everyone was nice about them, and I got them all taken care of."

My car was supposed to be delivered on Thursday. Today is Sunday, its been six weeks, and I am still in my rental. He called me on first on Thursday then again on Friday to tell me it would not be done then either, and I was upset. I was. This rental car is costing me money each day, even with the insurance. But what I told him, through gritted teeth, was that "Yes I was upset, but not with him, just the situation" I told him this was not personal, I just really wanted it back. He gave me an honest apology, told me why it had happened, that he really was trying to make things look perfect, and would make it right to me. I don't expect any compensation from him, but I do think that when I pick it up, he will say Thank you for being so patient. He will be genuinely grateful. It may not seem like much, but having a person's gratitude and smile, is worth something to me. If it's done right, and if it goes the way I expect, I will drive away tomorrow in my Mercedes and be in a good mood. Anyone want to ask me tomorrow night how my day was? I am sure I will answer it was a great day, because I expect it to be. ;)